ALL I NEED
Chapter Thirteen
After Harry's warning, Cal kept
himself away from us. I barely saw him the next two days of the voyage.
Sometimes I would see him around the dining hall when I went there to order my
dinner, since I never ate among others while on the Carpathia. It just seemed
that everyone would look at me in pity and I couldn't stand all the eyes
resting on me.
Apparently I was not the only one
to avoid social gatherings aboard the Carpathia. It was rare to find a Titanic
passenger around the common decks, and if they were there, they were all
extremely quiet. The tragedy was still too fresh in everyone's minds and I felt
for those who lost their families. I nearly felt bad for Cal. He was one of the
few men--besides the officers commanding the boats--who had survived. It surely
wasn't a place I wanted to be in. But knowing Cal, I was sure he didn't care.
The next two days, Harry and I
tried to forget the tragedy and what would happen next to both of us. Most of
the time we would be together in our suite, talking. Sometimes, Molly would
join us, but it was nearly impossible not to talk about the incident. We found out
that the lists with the survivors had reached the press and that by the second
day a lot of the families knew whether they had lost their loved ones or not.
We also found out that the fact that Mr. Ismay had survived would probably
label him as a coward for the rest of his life, and I couldn't imagine what
would happen when the officers mentioned the whole dilemma with him and the
captain.
When we were preparing to dock in
New York the night of April eighteenth, Harry had to leave to help the other
officers with the Titanic boats and to direct the Titanic passengers through
the White Star Line port and dock in New York when everyone left the ship. He
assured me this wouldn't be the last time I'd see him, but I was not sure of
what would happen now.
When we first stopped in the New
York port, it was for the Titanic officers to unload the Titanic lifeboats at
the White Star Line dock, where the Titanic was supposed to dock. I kept
waiting in the suite with Molly, but I could already hear the fuss outside, and
from the portholes of our sitting room we could see the camera flashes in the
dark night.
It was when a steward came to
inform us that we had finally docked and we could direct ourselves to the
nearest exit that I felt as if my heart had stopped. And to worsen the
situation, when I left the suite, I found Cal waiting for me beside the door.
"I believe it is proper for
us to leave the ship together," he said as his eyes met mine. "Give
me that." He took a small paper bag that contained my dress from the Titanic
and the remaining medicine. Even though my few days with Harry had made me
recover from my anemia, I thought it was better for me to have them.
Molly shot me a concerned look as
Cal took my hand, gently this time, to go with him. I knew he wouldn't do
anything to harm me from now on, at least not physically, but I was still
scared of what kind of emotional pressure he could put on me. But once again,
we had docked in New York, and from now on, I had to keep myself away from
Harry and with my family. If I did otherwise, I would provoke another disaster.
I nodded at Molly before I went
on with Cal and whispered a thank you to her before he led me through the exit.
We had already said our good-byes in the suite, though we had also exchanged
addresses and I had made a friend for life.
When we approached the exit, I
was blinded by the endless flashes of light from the cameras. I looked down,
trying to protect my eyes and avoid everything, but it was almost impossible to
keep myself from glaring at the screaming crowd as we went down the ramp. It
seemed like the whole populations of New York was there, and the most
impressive part of it was that it was already past ten o'clock at night, and
yet everyone seemed to be there.
When we finally stepped on land,
a White Star Line official directed us to go towards a corridor away from the
press, which was kept outside. We followed a very long line, and I started to
look around for Harry, but the only officers that I could see were actually New
York employees of the White Star Line. Nobody from the Titanic's crew was
visible.
When we reached the end of the
corridor, there was an enormous room with a lot of people already meeting their
families. It didn't take too long for me to scan the room and find Harry on the
very far right side with another officer, Mr. Lightoller, helping the rest of
the White Star Line employees with the few steerage passengers and a few men
from the New York Police Department. Harry had a lot of papers in his hands and
I thought they might be the lists of the lost passengers, because very close to
him was a crowd of people crying over the loss of their loved ones.
Cal gently squeezed my hand as he
directed me through the crowd and I shot a look at him when he pointed in the
opposite direction of Harry. I followed his look, and there they were--my
mother, my father, and someone who I wasn't familiar with, but recognized
almost instantly...Mr. Henderson. My mother, an older version of me, was
dressed in her finest, as always, and had a black hat with a veil over her
face, in a mourning guise. She had a handkerchief in her hands, and for a
moment, I looked at her in disgust...I was alive. Cal was alive. Why was she
crying? She was one of the few in that room with no motive to cry.
And by her side stood my father,
his gray hair and beard, his dark, deep eyes--exactly like Cal's--and his
Victorian manners about him, always classy. And then there was Mr.
Henderson...he must have been quite handsome when he was younger, though now he
just seemed worn out. Exquisite and charming, but still worn out. His hair was
light brown, lighter than Harry's, and his eyes were a very light green. His
facial features were strong and he also had a light beard on his face. He was
tall and somewhat strong-looking. And he just stared at me...to my panic, his
stare was a mixture of Bruce Ismay and Mr. Lovejoy. I felt like screaming.
Everything froze for a moment as
I looked back at Harry just in time to catch him taking a look around, and as
if planned, our eyes met again. He managed to smile at me and nod quietly as a
sign for me to keep going. I wanted to run through all of these people and
throw myself into his arms again, and I probably would have done that if Mr.
Henderson hadn't been there staring at me.
I looked away from Harry, trying
to focus. It was probably best for me not to see him right now. When I looked
again in my family's direction, my mother was already in front of me, hugging
me tightly. I stood frozen as Cal let go of my hand to go with my father, and
my mother just kept squeezing me. I didn't hug her back as I was in some kind
of shock. Suddenly, her soft voice spoke close to my ear.
"Oh, Catherine, I was so
worried!" she said through her tears. "Oh, dear God. I'm so glad you
are all right!"
I tried to smile, but it was too
difficult for me. Consciousness had taken me now and I realized this would
probably be the last time I would see Harry. When my mother released me, I
looked around again, but the crowd of people didn't let me see him one last
time. His voice echoed in my head as I heard someone talking close to me.
"I will see you and I will talk to you again, Catherine. I promise
you," had been his last words to me. His nod from the other side of the
room was like a confirmation of that, but for some reason, I feared he would
not be able to keep his promise this time. But he was Harry. He always kept his
promises. For God’s sake, he promised me he would survive the sinking of a
ship, and he did.
My father managed to give me a
comforting hug before directing me to Mr. Henderson, who waited politely for us
at a distance. I shot a killing look at my father when he introduced me to him.
I could not believe that my father thought this was a good moment to introduce
me to him. I actually couldn't believe he was even there, now kissing my hand
gently as I kept a faint smile on my face. Cal shot me a confident look from
over Mr. Henderson's shoulder and his expression was actually funny, because we
both knew that I was acting and my true wish was for Mr. Henderson to simply
vanish.
With proper introductions that I
barely heard, I kept my mouth shut. My mother, for the first time, saved me and
made me walk by her side as Cal, my father, and Mr. Henderson walked together,
talking about something that I wasn't paying attention to. Before leaving the
room, I looked back and caught a last sight of Harry, still helping Mr.
Lightoller. I tried to keep that image in my mind. This could be the last time
I saw him.
*****
When we left the pier, much to my
relief, Mr. Henderson left us for his house, as it was quite late by then, but
my parents invited him to lunch with us the next day at our home. I couldn't
believe that they had simply ignored that I had just been through the most
traumatizing day of my life and that it would probably best to leave me alone
for a while. Even Cal tried to convince them while we were heading to our
house, but my parents simply ignored his hints that it wasn't a good time.
"Miss Catherine!"
Susan, my personal maid for quite a long time, shouted when I entered the
mansion's hall. Our New York house was smaller than our Pittsburgh house, but
quite big in and of itself. Everything was beautifully decorated in the latest
Edwardian fashion. It even reminded me of the Titanic somehow...and that wasn't
good.
"Susan," I said, truly
smiling for the first time when she hugged me. "It's good to see
you."
"Oh, miss, I was so
worried," she said, her green eyes full of tears as she held both of my
hands with hers. She was a little older than me, probably in her early
thirties.
"Susan!" my mother
called, reprimanding her warm welcome to me.
"I beg your pardon, Mrs.
Hockley." Susan's expression quickly changed to a serious one as she
managed a small curtsy.
"It's all right,
Susan." I looked from my mother to her, and then I smiled again. "I'm
glad you were worried about me."
Susan smiled widely, taking the
paper bag in her hands and going with me upstairs to prepare me a bath before I
went to sleep. When I was in my nightgown and under the silk sheets and warm
blankets, my mother entered my room to kiss me good night.
"I'm glad you're back,
Catherine," she whispered to me, touching my hair and sitting by my side.
"I know it must've been traumatic for you." Oh, you do, Mother?
Thank you for informing me. "But now everything will be all right. You
met Mr. Henderson, and now you must agree with us that he is a fine
match."
I closed my eyes and didn't
answer. It seemed to me that now that my nightmare was actually beginning. I
tried not to think of Harry too often, but it was almost impossible not to.
When my mother kissed me good night after my dead silence and left the room, I
started crying quietly again for the first time since I found out that Harry
was alive. It seemed as if a part of me had just died.