ALL I NEED
Chapter Fourteen

"It must have been so traumatic, miss." Susan attempted to start a conversation while she finished fixing my hair.

"It was," I said simply, watching myself in the mirror in front of me. I was in all my porcelain glory again, but inside, I was rotting.

"You're still so distant, miss." Susan looked at my eyes in the mirror while she finished the chignon. "I hope this changes. We missed your free spirit here." She smiled kindly.

"I believe the last thing I will be now is free, Susan," I said when she finished the chignon, leaving the usual locks over my shoulders and on both sides of my face.

"Don't say that," she pleaded, though I'm not sure she knew what I was talking about. I sighed and stood up.

I glared at the window and the light coming from outside. The day was rainy, but the sun was high in the sky. I remembered the few days on the Carpathia. Most of them were overshadowed by pouring rain and very dark weather. But I didn't need bad weather to remind me that my day was unhappy.

"Oh, you look beautiful," my mother said with a smile. She had just entered my room. "Even though you insist on wearing black to mourn." She gestured to the black dress and gloves. Who was telling me this? Someone who wore black for one day because...it was appropriate?

"I lost people dear to me in the sinking, Mother!" I snapped, shooting her an unhappy look. I did lose dear people, even though I didn't know any of them very well. I lost Rose, I lost Mr. Andrews, I lost Mr. Murdoch and Mr. Moody. I nearly lost Harry in the sinking, and I lost him afterwards.

"I'm sorry, Catherine," she said politely. "I should respect your mourning."

I wanted to snap at her that yes, she should respect my mourning and stop throwing Mr. Henderson at me, but it didn't seem worth it. She probably understood why I was so quiet, and she didn't make me talk, for that matter. All she asked me to do was behave properly and smile, as she had always asked me. I was so used to this false happiness that I managed it all right, even though the times I had to do it before I wasn't so unhappy inside.

"Mr. Henderson is waiting," she said, watching me put my black gloves on. "I think he bought you another ring."

"Will you stop talking, Mother?" I shouted at her. She stared at me in shock. "Please, just stop talking." I gestured, irritated, and she watched me as I left the room. This was going to be much more difficult than I thought.

As I walked downstairs, my mother already catching up with me, Susan, who was waiting for me, directed me to the dining room, where lunch was being served. As I entered the room with my mother, Cal, Mr. Henderson, and my father stood up. I did everything a well brought up lady should do and greeted Mr. Henderson, who kissed my hand. I could feel my mother and father watching all of my moves carefully.

"You look lovely, Catherine," he said after he had pushed my chair in to the table when I sat down.

"Thank you," I said quietly, trying not to roll my eyes. Cal was sitting in front of me with our mother by his side. My father was at the head of the table. Mr. Henderson and I were on the other side of the table.

Cal looked from Mr. Henderson to me curiously. He must have been thinking of all the possible ways I could be considering to make Mr. Henderson disappear, and we even exchanged a look for a second. He smiled, stifling his laughter, and looked down. Even I did that at his spontaneous reaction.

"So, as I was saying…" Mr. Henderson turned to talk to my father while the maids served us. "We surely made a good deal buying a few buildings on the west side of the city. The tendency there is to become very crowded."

I shot a look at him. He reminded me of Ismay. I swallowed dryly, looking at my food and trying my best not to pay attention to the conversation, and that was quite easy, because if I did, I would probably get upset with the way Mr. Henderson and my father boasted about different things and interests as if they were kings of the universe. I ate quietly, sometimes glaring at Cal, who made a few comments now and then, but he seemed distant, considering his own problems. My mother would keep that ladylike smile on her face, but as a lady she also remained quiet.

When we were done with dessert, one of the maids came to tell my father that the mailman was waiting for him outside. He excused himself and left the table. Almost immediately, my mother stood up with some strange excuse that she had to show Cal something, and they both left. No one had to tell me that my mother was just waiting for the right moment to leave me alone with Mr. Henderson, and that probably he was the one to give her the idea, because as soon as they left the dining room, he turned to me.

"I know it must have been quite traumatic for you," he said courteously. Traumatic? Now I'm traumatized by you looking at me. "And so I bought you something that might make you smile again."

What was he talking about? He had never seen me smile, except in pictures, but had never actually seen me smile like I had smiled when I was with Harry. Oh, no. There I went thinking about Harry again.

"Oh, you shouldn't," I said politely and softly, trying not to look so distant. But he had already taken a small jewelry box from his pocket. He opened it for me, and there it sat--a beautiful diamond ring.

"It's beautiful," I whispered. It was beautiful. I couldn't deny that. But no, it would never make me smile.

"It's yours." He smiled kindly and took my ungloved hand--I had taken the gloves off to eat--placing the ring in my finger. Now, there we were. I was one of his possessions now.

"Thank you." I smiled falsely, but he didn't seem to notice how false it was. He kissed my hand softly again. Someone, please, help me.

"Catherine--oh...I'm sorry." Cal entered the room with an envelope in his hands.

"It's all right," I said almost immediately, looking at him. Thank you, Cal, really.

"I'm sure it is." He grinned sarcastically, stopping by my side. "This is for you. It's from the White Star Line."

I froze for a moment, feeling my heart in my throat. This couldn't be a letter from Harry. It just couldn't. It probably wasn't, because Cal wasn't looking intently into my eyes. On the contrary, he seemed very calm. I took the letter in my hands and stood up. Mr. Henderson politely stood up when I did.

"Would you care to join my father and me for a smoke, Gregory?" Cal asked courteously, and Mr. Henderson nodded, smiling slightly at me before leaving with Cal. Cal waited for him to actually leave the room and looked at me. "It's just a letter about the hearing. Don't choke on your own heart. By the way, lovely ring."

"Shut up, Cal," I hissed at him, and he laughed, leaving the room. I must've been obvious with my concern.

I opened the letter quickly after they left the room and found out that Cal was right. It was just a letter of apology from the White Star Line with the date of my testimony--April twenty-first, at ten o'clock in the morning. I didn't know if I should feel relieved, disappointed, or sad that I still hadn't heard from Harry.

*****

I was standing by the glass balcony door, watching the rain outside as my thoughts started to fly around my few days with Harry. I had awakened up much earlier than everybody else and was already ready for the hearing. The days hadn't changed, the pouring rain insisting on making everything worse. I touched the glass door, following one raindrop sliding down the other side of the glass, feeling tears coming to my eyes.

I held my tears back and looked around the room. It was filled with dress boxes and flowers. My dressing table held twenty jewelry boxes, open to the diamonds and rubies, the sapphires and the silver shining with the sunlight coming from the balcony door. All of them were Mr. Henderson’s gifts for me in the last two days. My mother was amused and in shock at all of them, but I barely managed to thank him. It seemed that each one of them was some kind of payment as he gradually tried to buy me. He never treated me badly, far from that, but he wasn't Harry and I did not love him, that was all. I wished I could tell everyone that so maybe they would understand, but I knew they wouldn't.

There was a soft knock on my door and I looked at the clock. Nine in the morning. I'd been standing watching the rain and thinking of Harry for over two hours. I swiped the tear from my cheek and told the person to come in. The door opened and Cal entered, closing it.

"Good to know you're ready. Susan told us downstairs that you woke early and already had breakfast," he said, walking towards me, and I nodded. "I need to have a serious conversation with you about the hearing."

"Yes?" I frowned.

"They will ask you about the day of the sinking. I need you to confirm the story of that day. You blacked out, but someone robbed us. Father already filed the insurance claim for the Heart of the Ocean," he said quickly, a little nervous.

"The Heart of the Ocean was stolen?" My jaw dropped. I hadn't imagined that that had been stolen.

"Yes, it was," he said after a brief silence, as if thinking of what to say. "You need to confirm what you confirmed that day. You remember that I don't want our parents to know what happened between you and I on the ship."

"I'm aware of that." I raised an eyebrow. He was once again threatening me. "I will say it. Don't worry. I don't care about it."

"Good. Now, let us go," he replied quickly, a little relieved. And we both headed downstairs, where a car waited for us...much to my disgust, Mr. Henderson would go with us.

*****

As we arrived at the building where the Titanic hearings were taking place, a group of photographers and reporters surrounded us before we could enter the building. I kept my head down with the hat and the veil covering my face, still mourning in black. Mr. Henderson took my arm gently and escorted me inside. Right behind us came my parents and Cal.

When we entered the building, I finally looked up and scanned the place. It wasn't too crowded and I supposed that the hearings were scheduled at a different time for every passenger. We walked through a reception room, where my father took the lead and informed the young secretary that we were there for the hearing. Every now and then, Mr. Henderson would greet someone he knew who was walking past and he would introduce me as his fiancée, and once again, I kept a faint smile on my face.

"Catherine, you will go first." My father approached us just after an attorney, a friend of Mr. Henderson, left.

"All right." I sighed as we walked down a corridor and my father stopped in front of a door.

"We will leave you here with Cal. We can't go inside with you, but we will be in the audience," my father informed me, and I nodded. With a kiss on my hand, Mr. Henderson left with my parents as Cal and I entered the room.

"Names, please," one man said as soon as we entered the room. He was standing by the door with a list.

"Caledon and Catherine Hockley," Cal informed him, and he checked something, nodding for us to go.

"Molly!" I exclaimed as I saw Molly talking to someone. Madeleine Astor, I recognized as they both turned to see me.

"Cathy, dear!" Molly smiled widely as I hugged her. It was so good to see her. "Hello, Cal," she said when I left her, and Cal kissed gently her hand.

"Madeleine." I nodded at Madeleine and she nodded back as Cal kissed her hand, too.

"You came for the hearing, I suppose. At what time is yours?" Molly asked, looking at me.

"At ten," I informed her, and looked for a clock on the wall. Five to ten.

"Oh, you're first, then." She nodded quietly, and just when she finished saying that, another door opened and a man called my name. "Your turn." She smiled.

I sighed once again and walked towards the door. I was directed by the police officer down a small corridor, and then he opened another door. He nodded for me to enter the room, and so I did.

Once I stepped inside, the flashes from the small area reserved for the press blinded me for a second. I hadn’t realized that there would be reporters at the hearing. I looked down, avoiding them as another officer directed me to the stand. I didn't look around until I finally sat on the chair.

The room had a small audience in front of the stand. Right in the front, I could see my parents and Mr. Henderson. On my left side was the small place reserved for the press and the court reporter. Beside me was a higher stand with U.S. Senator Alden Smith and Lord Mersey from the British Board of Trade.

And then I felt as if the floor had just vanished from under my feet--on the right side were all the Titanic crewmen that had survived with the officers in front of them. Harry was watching me the whole time.

Chapter Fifteen
Stories