ALL I NEED
Chapter Three

The same loud knock sounded on my door. I opened my eyes slowly to find that my room was already filled with light coming from the windows. Last night, I arrived before sunrise and Trudy had just woken up. She helped me to change into my nightgown and I fell asleep an hour later.

"Catherine!" Cal's voice called from the other door, but this time only once. I heard a noise on the door and he opened it. He actually opened the door. I didn't even move. I just stared at him, still lying in the bed and covered with the sheets.

"Cal, for goodness’ sake!" I shouted in shock, looking at him holding the extra key in his hand. Oh, he was such a bastard.

"Get up, Catherine," he ordered, and gestured for Trudy, who was standing by the door, to enter the room. "Get her into anything in a light color," he ordered her. Was he ordering her how I would dress? "Catherine, get up." He looked at me again. He seemed nervous.

"Cal, what do you think you are doing?" I asked in shock. I couldn't believe he dared to do that. I sat up in bed, pulling the sheets to cover myself up.

"I'm trying to get you to behave," he said firmly, stopping in the middle of the room to watch me. "You haven't eaten properly in days. And like it or not, you're only eighteen years old and you are my responsibility. Look at you! You look weak!"

"Cal, of course I look weak. I only slept for--I don't know, four hours?" I said, staring at him.

"When was the last time you ate?" he asked me, but he knew the answer. It was yesterday afternoon at tea--only tea and a few cookies, nothing like a proper meal. I was, indeed, feeling a little weak.

"Yesterday, when we were having tea," I mouthed, looking away from him.

"Exactly. Now, get up and get dressed." Trudy had already picked out a dress and a corset. She was preparing everything to get me dressed as Cal acted, after a very long time, as a concerned older brother. "You are going to have lunch with us. I don't mind you walking around at night, but you have to eat something."

He didn't wait for me to say anything. He simply left the room, closing the door, and I looked in shock at Trudy, waiting for me to get up.

"What has gotten into him?" I asked her, and she moved her shoulders as a sign that she was just as confused as I was.

*****

Cal escorted Rose and I to lunch. I was wearing a cream-colored dress that looked a lot like Rose’s. We had actually bought them together. The only difference was that Rose's dress was greener and mine was more of a lavender tone, but both had red sashes around the waists. Rose had her hair up, as always. I just combed mine, leaving it hanging down my shoulders and back. The bottom of my hair touched my waist. I liked it down. It swung over my shoulders as I walked.

A table was set for us to have lunch. At the table, we had the presence of Mr. Thomas Andrews, Mrs. Molly Brown--a fellow American--Mr. Ismay, and, of course, Cal, Rose, Mrs. DeWitt Bukater, and I.

"She’s the largest moving object ever built by the hand of man in all history," Mr. Ismay boasted in the middle of the conversation that I wasn't paying attention to until then. I tried not to roll my eyes. "And our master ship builder, Mr. Andrews, designed her from the keel plates up."

I glared at Cal. He was on my right. Mr. Ismay was on my left. Rose's was to Cal's right and her mother on her right. Mr. Andrews and Mrs. Brown sat in front of Rose, Cal, and I.

"I may have knocked her together, but the idea was Mr. Ismay’s," Mr. Andrews said with a smile, and I turned my attention to him. Different from Mr. Ismay, Mr. Andrews was very nice, almost quiet. "He envisioned a steamer so grand in scale, so luxurious in its appointment, that its supremacy would never be challenged. And here she is, willed into solid reality."

The chatter kept going. Once again, I wasn't paying much attention to it. I noticed Mrs. Brown's eyes catching mine a few times. She always smiled at me, and I always responded with a smile at the corners of my lips. Suddenly, Mrs. DeWitt Bukater’s icy voice caught my attention.

"You know I don’t like that, Rose," she said, and I looked at the scene. Rose had just blown the smoke from her cigarette into her mother's face. I smiled to myself and looked down.

"She knows," Cal said calmly, taking the cigarette out of Rose's mouth and putting it out.

Waiters started to approach us, and Cal took charge of himself and Rose.

"We'll both have the lamb, rare, with very little mint sauce," he said, and asked Rose something that I didn't hear.

"You, Miss?" The waiter turned to me.

"Uh…the same." I looked past Cal distractedly with my eyes. Something else had caught my attention.

I saw, by the window--we were very close to the window to the deck--that officer from the other night, with another young officer by his side. He was leaning against the ship's railing, smoking and talking...always smiling.

The chatter kept going and I wasn't paying attention again. I had my gaze fixed on both officers laughing and talking outside.

"Catherine, Mr. Ismay asked you a question." Cal managed to poke me with his elbow to bring me back to earth.

"Pardon?" I asked, distracted, and looked from Cal to Mr. Ismay. "Excuse me. What was that?"

"I was asking when your wedding to Mr. Henderson is going to be, Miss Hockley." I looked down directly at my diamond ring. Cal had asked me to wear it, at least when we were around other society people. They would notice that I wasn't wearing it, especially Ismay.

"Uh…" I actually didn't know anything about the wedding. "My mother is actually the one taking care of the arrangements," I said. "All I know is that it is going to be in New York, a few months after we return, but I don't think we have an exact date just yet." I was very good with talking, talking, talking and at the end not saying anything important at all. I learned it from Cal.

"You don't seem very excited, and I can see why," Mrs. Brown said with a small laugh. "What is he? Ten years older than you?"

"Seventeen, actually," I said quietly, looking down.

"Your father must really like him, then," she said sarcastically, looking at my ring...I knew what she was suggesting. What my father liked about him was his money, simple as that. I smiled at her comment. Finally, someone who understood the deal there. Cal just grinned...he did not like the idea much, though he didn't stand up for me because it would be pointless for him to do so.

The waiters suddenly approached and served our lunch. I was extremely hungry, though every bite that I took was very hard to swallow. I couldn't taste the food. Something was wrong with me, and it had a name--Gregory Henderson.

"Hey, who came up with the name Titanic? Was it you, Bruce?" Mrs. Brown said suddenly, and I looked at her, though not before looking outside to find that the officers were gone. I sighed. I had barely touched my food.

"Well, yes, actually. I wanted to convey sheer size, and size means stability, luxury, and above all, strength," Mr. Ismay said, and I stifled my laughter, remembering what the officer had called him.

"Do you know of Dr. Freud, Mr. Ismay?" Rose asked out of nowhere, and everybody looked at her. "His ideas about the male preoccupation with size might be of particular interest to you."

I swallowed a large gulp of water, trying to contain myself, and looked at Mrs. Brown and Mr. Andrews just in time to find them trying to stifle their laughter, too.

"What has gotten into you?" Mrs. DeWitt Bukater asked, looking intently to her. Rose excused herself and left the table. "I do apologize," her mother said, looking at us.

"She’s a pistol, Cal. I hope you can handle her," Mrs. Brown said, and I smiled, looking at Cal.

"Well, I may have to start minding what she reads from now on, won’t I, Mrs. Brown?" Cal grinned.

"Freud? Who is he? Is he a passenger?" Mr. Ismay asked, trying to sound casual.

I simply rolled my eyes again. Wouldn't someone just shoot him?

Cal excused himself, saying that he would go after Rose. Oh, he could not leave me alone there. And so I did the same.

"I think I should check on him," I said, standing up and trying to sound protective of Cal. I actually couldn't care less. He deserved it. "Excuse me." I did not look at anyone in particular and with a small nod I left the table and walked outside.

*****

"Whoa. Careful there, Miss." I bumped into someone as my vision blurred out of nowhere when I stepped outside. It must have been the sunlight directly in my eyes. I would have fallen if the owner of the voice hadn't held me firmly by the waist with one hand and my own hand with the other.

"I'm sorry," I said faintly, trying to focus my vision again on the person as I found my balance. I looked at the person, my vision better by then, and there he was, Officer Lowe, just holding me.

"Your hand is cold," he said, taking my hand gently again, now with both of his hands. "Are you feeling all right?" He recognized me and smiled widely, but he did look a lot concerned.

"I don't know. I just feel a little--" It was difficult even to talk, as if I couldn't breathe. The corset didn't help, either, but I knew it wasn't only that.

"Faint?" he asked, frowning. I nodded, closing my eyes for a second and taking a long breath. He carefully held my waist with one of his hands, still holding my hand with the other. He directed me to the shade, a little way away from the Palm Court entrance.

"I can take you to the ship's hospital, if you wish." He looked concerned, and he sounded concerned by then. He helped me to steady myself against the wall with one of my hands, but he was still holding my other hand with both of his hands again.

"It's all right, really." I was starting to feel better. "I think I just stood up too quickly and with the sunlight in my eyes, and…well…no matter. I'm starting to feel better. Thank you." I smiled at him, and he smiled back, though still looking concerned.

"Are you sure?" he asked. I nodded. "Really?"

"Yes, I'm very sure." I smiled at his persistence. "Thank you, officer."

"It's all right. It is my job, after all." He winked at me, like the night before.

"But I believe you're not on duty right now," I said, noticing his unbuttoned coat and that he also did not have his hat on. He nodded with that same natural smile on his face.

"You're very observant. Yes, I just finished my shift a few minutes ago...I was on duty since last night, when we met," he stated. Were the officers slaves of the White Star Line? That was a very long shift.

"You were not wearing this ring of yours last night. I'm very observant, too," he kept going. Just then I noticed that he still had my hand in his. He took the ring on my finger gently, as if showing me what he was talking about. "It almost blinded me. Maybe that is what made you lose your grip. You're very fragile. This looks very heavy."

I couldn't help a small, low laugh and nodded. He was right, after all. That ring was heavy, and it surprised me that I did not fall over every time I straightened my hand.

"And so you are observant." I smiled at him, nodding. "No, I was not wearing it last night. It's heavy, very uncomfortable." I winked at him, and he nodded in acknowledgment. "But I am sorry. I am keeping you here. You must be tired after your shift."

"No. It is all right. You still don't seem quite all right yourself. I will not leave you here alone." He smiled. How adorable was that?

"Well, thank you, officer." I smiled back in gratitude. "But I think I am fine now. You can leave if you wish."

"You seem uncomfortable." He noticed that I looked away from his eyes. He always kept very close eye contact while talking to me. "Am I being too bold?"

"No. Of course not." He still had my hand in his. I did not try to pull it away, and neither did he let it go. "It's not you."

"So, there is something," he noted, quick-witted. "Something I can help you with?"

"It wouldn't be fair to you." I smiled. I was flattered at his kindness and protectiveness towards me, even though he barely knew me, that at the same time as I wanted to leave, I wanted to stay. "You have got to be very tired."

"I'm used to that," he replied firmly. "And really, it wouldn't be fair to me if you refused my request to walk with you for while, just to make sure you are really all right."

I smiled widely at his sweetness and looked away for a moment. What harm would it be? He was pleasant company. He was natural, made me feel comfortable.

"All right. I accept." I nodded finally, looking at him. His eyes shone for a moment and he offered his arm to escort me, which I accepted, and we started to walk side-by-side.

*****

"I thought you were a night person, Miss Hockley." He managed to start a conversation a few seconds after we left the Palm Court entrance. We headed down a few decks, still outside.

"I am, or was...sort of. I think." I couldn't have sounded more confusing than that. He laughed, looking around as we walked, and even I laughed at my confusion.

"What keeps you up at night, then?" he asked courteously, looking at me for a second.

"It's too complicated..." I said quietly, looking around. Now I could see the dark blue ocean. It was crystal-like and very calm.

"Some illness?" he guessed. "Insomnia?" I shook my head.

"Regret, I think. Is it considered an illness?" I was talking nonsense, but that was how I felt. He understood my train of thought and stopped, directing me to the railing, leaning against it and supporting his hands on them. His eyes once again fixed on me.

"I suppose, yes. Does it hurt?" he asked kindly. I couldn't help but smile as I stared at him. Then I nodded, looking away from his eyes. "Where does it hurt?" He was just too kind.

"My mind." I looked at him, feeling a small breeze against us. It blew my hair softly. "And my heart," I said quietly.

"So, that is why you stay up at night?" he kept going. His voice was lower now, soft.

"Sort of." I nodded, taking a few steps forward and to his side, putting my hands over the railing and looking at the endless ocean. "I stay up at night because that is my way to escape from the regret I feel during the day among everyone else," I declared. He kept quiet. His face turned to watch me as I stared at the ocean.

"No one is up at night to give me orders and try to make me act like I am someone else," I continued. I was actually talking to myself, but aware that he was listening--intently--to my words. I looked down at my ring, moving it on my finger, and he followed my glance. "At night I can just be me. Away from everything and everyone, just me. It feels like I can control where I am going."

"That is very deep." He looked at me as I looked up into his eyes again and smiled. "I wish I knew what to say. But I do think I am lucky enough to see the night Miss Hockley during the day, right now."

"How do you know this is me?" I asked him, and he smiled.

"I don't see any difference in your eyes from last night to now," he stated, just like that.

"You're right, officer." I smiled and looked back the ocean. "You are indeed very observant."

"I was thinking…" he started, after a few minutes of silence. Incredibly, it was not uncomfortable at all. It seemed that the sound of the small, calm waves were enough for both of us. He turned around, his hands on the railing again as he looked at the horizon. "You told me you feel you can control where you are going when you are up at night, didn't you?"

I simply nodded, listening intently to him, but still with my eyes on the ocean.

"I want to invite you to see a place where you can really control where you are going, if you wish, tonight." He looked at me as I looked into his eyes.

"What place?" I asked, curious.

"That will be a surprise." He smiled, already amused.

"All right." I nodded, smiling back at him. "Where?"

"You can meet me at the same place, same time, and I will take you there," he replied, looking back at the horizon with a sparkle in his eyes.

Chapter Four
Stories