ALL I NEED
Chapter Four

"Where were you, Catherine?" It was the first thing I heard when I set my feet inside our suite. Cal was the source of the annoyed voice. I looked around the sitting room and he was sitting on the loveseat with a glass of something alcoholic that I didn't recognize in his hands. Mr. Lovejoy stood beside him.

"I needed fresh air," I replied as I closed the door and sat in a chair away from them. "Where is Rose?"

"She's with her mother somewhere," he replied, uninterested, taking a sip of his drink. "You didn't eat a thing. Are you hungry?" What? Was Cal really worried about me?

"I am, a little," I replied sincerely, and he looked directly into my eyes. "I feel very tired, too," I added.

"You need to see a doctor," he concluded, and I shook my head. "Yes, you do."

"I don't, really." I stood up. Again, my vision blurred for a moment, but this time I didn't lose my balance and simply walked to my bedroom. "Mr. Lovejoy, please call Trudy for me. Tell her to bring me something to eat."

Mr. Lovejoy looked from me to Cal as if waiting for his consent to do as I said. Cal simply nodded and sighed, busy with the problems in his mind. Mr. Lovejoy stood up and I entered my bedroom.

*****

I ate as much as I could, though I was still not tasting the food. On the other hand, I was feeling a little stronger by evening, when Cal asked me to go with him to dinner. Rose was not feeling well. I tried to go talk to her, but her mother asked me to leave her alone, and so I did. I didn't reject Cal's invitation to dinner because...I really didn't know why I didn’t. It was my way of thanking him for his concern over my health. I was wearing an evening dress like the one in the picture, with no sleeves and which completely bared my shoulders. The only difference was that this one was black.

"Oh, so this is your sister?" J.J. Astor asked Cal after he introduced me to him and his young wife. "She's beautiful, Caledon. It must be difficult for you to keep her safe from men," he added with a laugh. Who told him that I wanted Cal to keep me away from men? Though sometimes I just thanked God that he actually did that, especially when the man in question was Ismay, for example.

"Well, I won't have to worry about that anymore. She's about to marry Gregory Henderson," Cal boasted. Thank you, brother. You just reminded me of the worst thing.

"Are you?" J.J. Astor asked. His eyes shone for a second. Why did everybody like Mr. Henderson? Was it just because he had money? You marry him, then. I just nodded, my mouth shut. "What a good arrangement for your family." Yes, for the family, not me.

During the dinner itself, no one actually asked me anything. They asked my brother and he answered for me, as if I was a china doll. I managed to smile falsely and eat a little, but once again, I barely touched my food.

Cal stood up to join the gentlemen in the smoking room and asked if I wanted him to escort me back. I refused and stayed by myself at the table.

"Hey, sweetie." Molly Brown sat beside me as soon as the gentlemen left, and I looked at her. "You don't seem well. Is there something wrong?"

"No. Nothing." I smiled at her. She really seemed worried about me. "It's just that I haven't been feeling very well. Sometimes, when I stand up too quickly, I lose my balance and it's a little difficult to breathe...but it is just for a few seconds," I said sincerely. "But that is all."

"Really?" She frowned. "It might be because you have not been eating properly. I noticed that you left practically all your food on the plate today at lunch, and again now at dinner. Are you losing your appetite?" She really seemed concerned and willing to help me.

"I am," I replied quietly, looking at her. "Not my appetite, but I just can't seem to taste the food anymore."

"You look very sad, too, sweetie." She smiled kindly, pushing my chin to look at her when I looked down. "You’re becoming depressed. Did you know that?"

"Depressed?" I asked, almost in shock. I hadn't realized that, but now that she said it...

"Yes, dear. You need to take care of that." She smiled. "I know Cal is not very…uh…sweet, but he loves you and he cares about you. If you need someone to talk to, you can look for me."

"How can I fight that?" I asked, looking into her eyes. Just the thought of it made my eyes become full of tears. She was right. "I don't even know what the root of the problem is. How can I fight it?"

"It's difficult," she said, her hand wiping away the single tear that rolled down my cheek. "You have to find something you can believe in, something you can stick with and that will make you smile." She smiled at me, taking both of my gloved hands in hers. "You have to look for this thing and you have to embrace it with all your strength. It will be all right. And as I said, if you need someone to talk to, you can look for me."

I couldn't help but lean over and hug her tight. She returned my hug, caressing my long hair.

"Oh, sweetie," she said. I could feel her smiling. "You are so young."

"Thank you, Mrs. Brown," I said, sitting properly again and carefully wiping the tears from my face.

"No Mrs. Brown here. Call me Molly." She smiled slightly. "Now, go on. You need fresh air."

"Thank you, Molly." I smiled. Why wasn't my mother like her? I stood up and left the table, walking outside to the open deck.

Molly Brown was right. I was depressed. I was so depressed that I hadn't even noticed that I was. It was killing me slowly--my parents, the wedding...everything. My whole life. I was unhappy and I was in some kind of denial of that. Maybe that was why I had not noticed it. I knew that my family wasn't trying to make me unhappy. I knew they loved me, but like me, they could not see that they were harming me...that they were killing me.

*****

"I thought you would not come." A voice brought me back to earth as I stopped beside the railing of the ship. I looked in its direction and Officer Lowe was standing right beside me.

"Oh, I actually--" I didn't know what to say. I had forgotten about his invitation, yet at the same time I was there. "Something was holding me back," I added. He did not have to know my problems.

"No matter," he replied, smiling--that same wide, natural smile--at me, though he looked as if he was analyzing me. I tried to picture how I was looking. I'm sure my tears weren't visible anymore. "Are you ready to come?" he asked, offering me his hand.

I nodded and took his hand. He held my hand firmly, as if trying to give me a feeling of security, and we soon began to walk back inside. Once again, it seemed that the sound of the waves was enough for us, and we didn't speak until we went up some stairs and...

"Is this the bridge?" I asked as he closed the small gate at the top of the stairs after I entered the area.

"Yes." He nodded and I looked around. It was interesting to be there, since no one except officers were allowed there. "Don't worry. No one will be bothered by your presence here, and the captain is in the smoking room with the first class gentlemen," he said, reading my thoughts.

I nodded and he directed me to a room. We entered the room and the young officer that was with him that afternoon smiled at us. He stood with both of his hands on the wheel. The whole room was interesting--it had control panels everywhere and all sorts of different things that I had never seen in my life.

"Thanks for covering for me, Jamie," Lowe said suddenly, leaving me beside the door and walking towards Jamie, the officer at the wheel. "Jamie, this is Miss Hockley. Miss Hockley, this is Officer James Moody."

"Pleased to meet you, Miss," Officer Moody said, and shot a look at Lowe, a concerned look. Was he also thinking that my brother would kill Lowe if he knew I was there? I had just thought of that.

"The same," I said, a little weakly. My voice was trailing off both because of the cold outside and because I was still feeling a little weak. Moody tipped his hat and left us, advising us to take care.

Lowe put both of his hands on the wheel as soon as Moody left and he gestured to me to come towards him. As I started to walk, he started to explain things for me.

"This is the ship’s master wheel, as you can see," he started, and I stopped beside him. He pointed with one of his hands to the view that we had from where we were. I could see the bow of the ship and the endless ocean in front of it. "Here you can see everything and control where we are going." He smiled then, looking at me.

"Why hadn't I thought of that?" I asked with an amused smile, looking at the view and then back at him as he kept talking.

"You see, now that we are already on our way," he started, looking at the horizon while talking to me, "we won't be having anymore stops or anything like that. There isn't much to do with the wheel now. But someone has to stay here watching it, like an automobile." He smiled and looked at me.

"We only have to move if something comes our way, like another ship," he kept going as I nodded. "They warn us in the wireless room and we make a slight turn so as not to bump into them or get in their way. But that rarely happens, since every ship has its route already mapped. So, we have this lever here." He paused and looked at the lever on his left side, pulling it and taking both of his hands off of the wheel.

"And the wheel stops, keeping the ship straight on its journey." He smiled again, looking at me. "Which, I noticed, is what happened to you."

For a moment there, I couldn't believe he had connected all of that to my life. And he was right. Someone had pulled my lever and I was trapped on a path that I hadn't chosen for myself. How could he be so sensitive to that?

I looked away from his eyes to the floor, and he didn't say anything for a few moments. He just looked at me. I sighed, swallowing back my tears, and looked back at him.

"Yes, you're right," I declared finally, and he smiled kindly.

"I can't help you to push the lever again in your life and make you have control of where you are going," he started as he kept the same eye contact with me. "But I can let you feel what it is like."

He took my hand, directing me to stand in front of the wheel and put both of my hands on it, laughing softly for a second.

"I thought you didn't wear your ring at night," he said cheerfully, looking at my engagement ring over my glove. I wore it because I was dining with Cal and the others, but he didn't seem to want an explanation. He simply noted it, and with a gesture, he pushed the lever.

The wheel moved slightly under my hands, and it would have moved more if he hadn't put his hands over mine to help me hold it. I thought it would be much easier, but the thing was hard to keep straight.

"Let me guess," he spoke softly, now very close to me, still helping me with the wheel. I could feel his body against my back and his breathing steady as he bent his head over my left shoulder to speak with me. "You thought it would be easier?"

"Much easier," I confessed. By then, I did not really know if we were still talking about the wheel or control of my life. Everything seemed dreamlike, the whole symbolism that he built around it...everything.

"Yes," he said softly. His eyes were on the horizon and he was still bent over my left shoulder, whispering in my ear. "You need help in the beginning. Especially if you leave the lever pulled for too long." Once again, I did not know what we were talking about, and he held my hands together with his, still helping me.

I did not know what to say. I simply stood there in silence, looking at the horizon and thinking of all of he had said, all that Mrs. Brown had said.

"May I ask you a question?" he asked suddenly, but still softly. I nodded. "What is it about your engagement that you don't feel the need to wear your ring?"

"It's an arrangement, not exactly an engagement," I whispered back to him without moving. "I have never seen him in my life and he already disgusts me. I was, or am, in denial over the whole thing."

"The engagement...it isn't it the way you want it to be?" he asked calmly, still holding my right hand to help me with the wheel, but letting go of my left hand to bend over a bit to pull the lever again.

I nodded as he straightened up again and turned around to look at him. Even though I took my hands off the wheel when I turned around, he kept his hand on it.

"No, it isn't," I said quietly, leaning against the wheel to look into his eyes.

"How do you want it to be, then?" he asked, once again keeping eye contact with me, as if he could see through me.

I did not know exactly what got into my head, but the whole conversation with him and with Mrs. Brown about the direction of my life definitely had something to do with my actions. I stepped in his direction and he didn't move. He was still looking into my eyes. Now we were just a few inches apart.

"I wish it to be more like this," I whispered, close to him, and without thinking twice, I gave him a soft kiss on the lips.

He returned it, though I'm sure he was a little shocked. I slowly pulled away, but he already had his free hand on my waist and he accompanied me, pushing me gently against the wheel, not letting go of my lips. We kissed slowly, and I could feel his heart pounding as fast as I mine as I rested one of my hands on his chest. The kiss became passionate when he involved his tongue with mine, still with slow and gentle movements.

"You're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," were his words when he pulled his lips away from mine, though he was still very close, his head bent to the side and his eyes now open, looking directly into mine. "Since yesterday, when I saw you for the first time, I felt I needed to get close to you."

"That's pretty close, you know...officer," I joked. It was all I could say. He laughed softly, looking down for a moment.

"Just Harry," he said quietly.

"Catherine," I replied, smiling.

He smiled back. He looked into my eyes for a moment, but then looked away from them a moment later, as if he was thinking of something. I opened my mouth to say something, but I thought twice and shut it again, looking the opposite way.

"What is it?" So, he was observant. He was looking down, but he did notice that I had attempted to say something. "You can say it," he added my eyes met his again.

"Before I met you tonight…" I paused. He kept his right hand on my waist and now he put his left hand over my right hand, which was on his chest, slowly nodding for me to go on as I straightened my head, now with my eyes fixed on his coat collar. "I was talking to Molly Brown, and..." My voice trailed off.

"And?" he asked softly. He had his head straight, too, his lips touching my forehead as he talked.

"And she--" My voice failed for a Moment. The thought of the depression once again made my eyes fill with tears. I tried to hold them back, but they were already slipping slowly down my face. He remained quiet. He didn't even move. I took my hand away from his shoulder and wiped some of the tears away, and he remained patient.

"And she made me realize that I...that I am depressed." I finally finished my sentence and he nodded a little, barely moving his head. I put my hand on his shoulder again. I could feel my throat aching from trying not to cry. "But she also said..." Once again, my voice trailed off.

"It's all right to cry," he whispered, and I hugged him tight, laying my head on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat. It was steady now. I looked at the sky through the windows of the room. He wrapped his arms around me. One of his hands was on my head, his fingers between the locks of hair and his other arm steady around my body, giving me that feeling of protection. He kissed the top of my head softly.

"What else did she say?" he asked, whispering to me, his chin on my head.

"She said I had to look for something I can believe in, something to stick to that would make me smile," I said, my voice failing as I felt tears running down my face. "And then you told me I need help to control my life because I left my lever in place for too long..."

He pulled himself away a little. His hand went from my head to my neck, directing me to look up into his eyes again, and so I did. He kept his hand on my neck.

"You know she is right, don't you?" I nodded. He used his thumb to gently wipe some of the tears from my face. "You know, when I was fourteen, I became really depressed. I was so young..." He was looking directly into my eyes with a slight smile on his lips. "My family wanted me to work as an apprentice in Liverpool," he kept going as I nodded. "And so I signed up as a cabin boy on a traditional sailing vessel and never saw them again. That was when I pushed my lever and directed my life to where I wanted it to go, almost literally." He smiled, talking about his work on ships.

"I wish I had that strength..." I said quietly, looking away from his eyes.

"You do." His hand went from my neck to my chin, and he made me look at him. "Everyone does. You just need, as Mrs. Brown wisely said, something you can believe in. I had something. I still have something."

"I have nothing to believe in. My life is so empty..." I wanted to cry again. Why was it so hard? I looked away from his eyes.

"I know this will sound extremely straightforward and very bold. After all, you don't even know me," he said, his voice still low, but it was steady at the same time...confident. "But as I said, since the first time I saw you, I felt I needed to get close to you." He smiled and I looked into his eyes. They were shining in the dim light. "You can believe in me, in what I'm feeling for you right now. I don't know exactly what it is, but you could feel it when you felt my heart pounding. I believe in that."

I felt my throat become even achier. This time it wasn't because I was trying to hold back my tears. It was because I was impressed...a little shocked, perhaps. My eyes opened wide for a second and he smiled at my reaction, gently squeezing my waist with his other hand. Since I met him, he always knew what to say and when to say it, but now he just got me over the edge.

Before I could think of something to say, we heard someone coming down the corridor on my right. We didn't have much time to pull apart from each other, because when we did and looked, side-by-side, in the direction of the steps, they had already ceased and there was an officer looking at us.

"And I thought you had gone mad and were talking to yourself," the officer said. His jaw dropped a little as he looked from Harry to me. Harry was holding my hand behind our bodies and he gently squeezed my fingers as if trying to tell me to stay calm.

"It's much worse than I thought," the man concluded. "Can you imagine if the captain comes here and finds the girl with you?" He was amused.

"You won't tell him, will you?" Harry asked, his voice calm. I was almost having a heart attack, and there he was...calm.

"No, of course not." The officer gestured and I sighed in relief, looking away from him. "But this was...wild. I couldn't even imagine what would happen if the captain saw the--is that Miss Hockley?" he asked suddenly as he approached us.

"I am quite famous, am I not?" I asked sarcastically in my best attempt to sound casual as I looked from the other officer to Harry.

"Your brother is, actually," the other officer said. "Famous for being a little bit of a troublemaker, if is not too bold of me to say it."

"Oh, no, I understand, and agree." I nodded with a smile. I imagined Cal's face if he ever heard that.

"Will, this is Catherine Hockley. Catherine, this is First Officer William Murdoch, or Will," Harry said.

"Pleased to meet you, sir," I said, smiling a little.

"The same, Miss." He managed a small bow and shot a look at Harry. "You’d better escort her to her suite, first because it's very late and second because I just came from the first class smoking room and there were more drunk men there than when we all have free time together on the bridge." We all laughed at that and he gestured kindly. "Just take her. I will cover for you until you come back."

Harry nodded, and I said good-bye to Officer Murdoch. The entire way to the first class decks was silent again. I had stopped crying, though my eyes were still sore from the tears. This night had changed everything, and I knew action needed to be taken.

Chapter Five
Stories