ALL I NEED
Chapter Five

"Oh, so you haven't thrown yourself overboard," Cal said as I left my bedroom the next morning. "Do you know I looked for you everywhere yesterday?"

Well, you didn't look everywhere, you moron, I thought as I watched him, trying to breathe under my corset. I managed to smile as I sat down in a chair, trying not to breathe too heavily and make it obvious to him. But I actually was not able to breathe very well, both because I had just put on the corset and because, once again, I was feeling weak.

"Did you look for me, or…" I paused, breathing deeply. "...did you send Mr. Lovejoy to look for me?"

"I sent him, but it's the same," he said, gesturing distractedly and walking across the room to Rose's door. "Where were you?"

"Walking." I stood up slowly, moving my body under the corset, trying to make it comfortable, or at least bearable. "Cal!" I called him as my vision started to black out. "Cal!" I called again. He didn't hear me.

I felt my heart beating slowly and cold sweat on my hands. The next thing I felt was someone grabbing my waist before I fainted.

*****

"She has the symptoms of anemia, Mr. Hockley." I heard an unfamiliar male voice. My eyes were closed and I was lying in a comfortable bed. "She does not have it yet. There's still time to stop it."

"What does that mean, exactly? Why is she feeling like that? What do we have to do to stop it?" Cal asked all at once with a mixture of anxiety and anger.

"Has she been eating properly?" the unfamiliar voice asked. There was a pause, and he kept going. "Well, then, that is why. She has to eat. That is all. Anemia is due to a lack of iron in the body. It is easy to treat if it doesn't develop completely, but when it does develop, it can be serious."

"So, all that she has to do is eat?" Cal asked skeptically.

"Eat healthy, that is. Fruits, vegetables, healthy food. We have plenty of that on the ship."

"All right. Thank you, doctor," Cal said.

I heard footsteps and a door closing. There were footsteps outside the room and a few quiet footsteps in the room, and then I heard the sound of someone sitting in a chair and voices coming from the sitting room. I opened my eyes slowly to find that I was lying in my bed, in my bedroom, and Trudy was sitting in a chair beside me. She smiled widely when she saw my eyes opening.

"What happened, Trudy?" I asked quietly, moving myself under the silk sheets and the flowered bedspread. Just then, I noticed that I was wearing my nightgown again.

"You fainted, Miss. It was a few minutes ago. Mr. Hockley asked for a doctor and he examined you here," she answered kindly. "He said you--"

"I heard what he said," I cut in. "Anemia, isn't it?"

"Yes." She nodded. "He gave you a shot of something that I could not understand very well, but he said that it was some protein for your blood. He also provided some medicine." She looked at the small table beside my bed, covered with little bottles of medicine.

"Do I have to take all of these?" I asked, frowning.

"Yes, if you want to get better." She smiled. "He also said you have to start eating properly. Are you hungry?"

"A little," I said. I started to feel extremely tired, even though I had had hours of sleep. "Can you get something for me to eat?"

"Sure. I will bring it. Excuse me, Miss," she said, and stood up, leaving the room.

When she opened the door, I heard another voice in the sitting room.

"Oh, is she all right?" It was a female voice which I recognized quickly. Mrs. Brown.

"Yes. She is fine." That was Rose. "Cal said the doctor informed him that she has anemia, or starting to have it. I didn't understand very well. It seems that if she doesn't treat herself properly, she really will have anemia and then it will be serious."

"Miss Rose, she is awake." I heard Trudy's voice. "She asked for food."

"All right. Thank you, Trudy," Rose said. "Go on. Go get something for her."

"Can I see her?" Mrs. Brown asked as I heard the sitting room door closing.

"Sure. Come on in," Rose said, and they both quickly appeared in my bedroom doorway.

"Catherine?" Rose asked with a smile, and I nodded. She entered the room with Mrs. Brown following her. "How do you feel?"

"I'm all right, I guess," I said with a smile. They both entered the room and closed the door. "I just feel tired all over."

Mrs. Brown managed a small laugh as she sat on the bed beside me, taking my hand in hers.

"Remember what I told you? You need to take care of this, honey," she said kindly, brushing a few locks of hair away from my eyes.

"I will leave you two alone," Rose said, and with a small nod, she left the room, closing the door.

"I will take care of this," I stated. "I promise."

Gradually, I started to remember everything that happened last night. Everything that she said, that Harry said. But something was wrong there. Even though I wanted to change the course of my life, to push the lever and direct the wheel to where I wanted to be, I just could not do it. If I ever told my parents, or even Cal, that I didn't want to be married, they would desert me. And I had nowhere to go.

"Sweetie?" Mrs. Brown had been talking to me. I hadn't been listening to her.

"I'm sorry. I was thinking of something else," I said.

"I see a different sparkle in your eyes today," she said kindly, and I smiled faintly. "You seem to be trying to change everything."

"I am, thanks to you." And to Harry, I thought.

"No need to thank me. It's my pleasure." She squeezed my hand gently and stood up as Trudy entered the room with a tray in her hands. "Now, you go on and eat something. As I told you before, if you need to talk, you can ask someone to get me."

"Thank you, Mrs. Bro--Molly." I half-laughed when she looked offended that I almost called her by her last name.

"Try to keep that smile on." With a wink, she left the room.

Trudy helped me to sit up properly in bed, and just then I noticed the gauze forming a small bandage on my right arm over a vein. It must have been where the doctor had injected the protein. Trudy put the tray in my lap, and I looked, puzzled, at the food.

"What the hell is that?" I asked, frowning. There was only some very red soup and a glass of water.

"It's what the doctor recommended. I met him in the dining hall. He told me to get you this. It’s tomato soup with papaya fruit."

"Are you trying to get me to vomit what I already don't have in my stomach? Tomato with papaya? This is...disgusting!" I looked down at the bowl. She couldn't be serious.

"It's what you have to eat, Miss," Trudy said professionally.

I knew that if I didn't eat it, she would get in trouble. Then I closed my eyes and sighed deeply, thinking positive as I took a spoonful of the soup. It was probably the worst thing I had ever tasted in my life. It went slowly down my throat, and that was the entire process for the whole bowl. For every two spoonfuls, Trudy had to fill the cup with water again. But the soup was the least of my problems.

*****

I slept the entire day, waking up a few times to take my medicine. I really awakened in the evening, as usual, and was reading a book after having the same disgusting meal for dinner. Suddenly, Cal entered the room, ordering Trudy to leave. As she did, he closed the door. He was already dressed up for dinner.

"I need to have a word with you," he said firmly. Oh, boy. There was trouble.

"Uh...all right," I said quietly, holding the book in my lap.

"Do you know an officer named Harold Lowe?" he asked, straight to the point. He looked into my eyes.

I froze. I swallowed the nothing in my mouth and couldn't help but widen my eyes for a moment. I looked away from Cal. Oh, my God. I was in trouble. What happened? Had Lovejoy seen me with Harry and told him? Had he seen what happened in the wheelhouse? Oh, Jesus, did he see me kissing him? Oh, my God.

"I...might," I said, my voice failing. My throat was dry.

"Might?" he asked sarcastically, leaning against the wall beside the door. "Well, he seems to know you very well, because he came to look for you today."

What? Was Harold Lowe insane? If not, he clearly had suicidal thoughts. How could he even think of looking for me? Or worse, look for me through Cal? He knew Cal's temper. But that could also mean that he did not know what happened last night. But Harold Lowe was insane, period.

"Did he?" I tried to sound casual. I failed, Cal sighed, losing his patience.

"He said Mrs. Brown told him about what happened to you today." Mrs. Brown? What? How? Did she know about us? My mind was spinning.

"Well, he helped me yesterday...when…uh…you left the table to go look for Rose and I left after you. We…I mean…I...I almost fainted, just like today, and he helped me." At least I wasn't lying. "He must have seen me with Mrs. Brown and asked her if I was all right today."

"So, he does have some interest in you," he noted. Oh, you're so smart, Cal. "Otherwise, he wouldn't ask about you."

"Well, what do you want me to do? Take his eyes off his face so he can't see me?" I asked. I couldn't help myself. "Because, you know, he doesn't even know me. How could he have any interest in me if not physical attraction?" I was such a good liar. It had to be the Hockley blood.

Cal stood in silence, watching me with disbelief. It wasn't my language, because he was used to arguing with me on that level. It was just because he wasn't expecting me to say that. He blinked and turned around, opening the door.

"I am going to dinner. Good night." That was all that he said, and then he left the room, closing the door. I sighed deeply in relief. That was close.

A few minutes after Cal left, Trudy entered the room with her face as pale as if she had just seen a ghost. She closed the door behind her and leaned against it.

"Trudy? What happened?" I asked, frowning and looking up from my book.

"Mrs. Brown is here with...with..." She started to gesticulate. She gestured to her hat. With a servant? What was wrong with that? "…with that officer who came to look for you today."

My jaw dropped, along with the book in my hands. If I wasn't sure before if Harry was insane or not, now I was. He waited for my brother to leave and came back?

"Miss, if Mr. Hockley sees him again...oh, my God." She looked around, a hand on her chest. "What do I do?"

"Wait. What did Cal do to him the first time?" I frowned, trying to think straight.

"Oh, he was really mad. Screaming that he didn’t know his place, that you were a first class passenger...an engaged first class passenger, and he was just an officer," she replied quietly.

"And what did he say to that?" I'm going to kill Cal.

"He just said that he was worried about you. He was very calm, which impressed me, if I may point that out." Well, it impressed me, too.

"All right." I sighed. What should I do? He was there, and he wanted to see me. I wanted to see him, too, I confess. "Tell him to come in."

"What?" Trudy asked suddenly. "I'm sorry, Miss. It's just..."

"Don't worry. Cal won't be back for hours, and you know that. Where is Mr. Lovejoy?" I asked. Mr. Lovejoy, my extra cross, if my whole family wasn’t a big enough cross for me to bear. How could I have forgotten him?

"He's with him, nowhere around the suite," she replied.

"So, it is all right, really. Nothing will happen to you or your job. My brother won't find out. I promise," I reassured her, though she did not look convinced. She left the suite.

A few moments passed, and Harry came through the door. He had his hat on and his uniform was impeccable. Was he on duty? He was just making me believe even more that he was, indeed, insane. He smiled when he saw me. Oh, that smile. Then he gestured to see if he could close the door, and at my nod, he did so, walking towards the bed and sitting at my side.

"Hello, there," he said. "How are you feeling?" His voice was low, gentle, like the night before.

"I'm feeling better now," I lied. I wasn't feeling any better, and I knew it would take time for everything to make an effect on my health. And about my emotional health…don't even get me started. "How are you?"

"I'm all right. I am supposed to be on the bridge now, but James is covering for me. Mrs. Brown went there to look for me. She assured me your brother wouldn't be around." He was insane.

"Mrs. Brown? Do she and you...I mean...do you--"

"I met her today, if you're trying to ask me if we are part of a secret group that hopes for the best for you." He smiled, and I smiled back. "I asked her if she knew if you were better. I remembered when you told me about your conversation with her, and she seemed like a person to trust...otherwise, you wouldn’t have talked to her in the first place. So, I asked her."

"And then you came here. I know that part already." He nodded. "You shouldn't--"

"I still don't understand what your brother tried to imply when he said I should not have looked for you. Apparently, you share the same thought," he replied calmly, though his look was nervous. "Perhaps you can explain better than he did."

"Well…uh..." I did not know what to say. He was right. Where had that come from? "It’s because I am engaged, I...guess."

"That's what he said, too. That is, before his bodyguard dragged me out of the suite." I opened my eyes wide. "Oh, that part you didn't know."

"Are you serious?" I asked in shock. He nodded. "Oh, my God. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault. I refused to leave, you see," he said calmly, and that just made the statement even more...insane.

"You're unbelievable," I said, looking away from his eyes. I was almost laughing from pure shock.

"So are you, and that's why I came to look for you," he said kindly. That was when I felt my stomach turning upside down. How could he be like that?

I blushed a little and looked back into his eyes. He laughed at my silent reaction and shook his head, taking one of my hands between his own warm hands.

"It will take much more than a spoiled older brother and a very strange bodyguard to keep me away from you," he said firmly. I remained silent, feeling like my body was slowly melting from his words. "Your brother said you are engaged, but I feel nothing about that, and from what you told me, neither do you. I told you yesterday that you could believe me, and now, more than ever, I'm reassuring you of that."

"This is madness," I replied, looking away from his eyes.

It was madness. I could never think of simply leaving everything that my family wanted me to be, even though that was what I wanted to do, and to believe in a person that I'd known for such a short period of time...a person who, with every word so carefully chosen, made my heart beat fast.

"Oh, well, I never told you I was sane," he replied, and I looked at him. "In fact, I'm not. A lot of people say that...but that is just because I act with my heart and not with my mind. You should do the same. Acting with your mind is slowly killing you...literally." He caressed my cheek with one of his hands. "You have such a beautiful smile. It's a shame to keep it to yourself."

I didn't know how to reply. Once again, he had chosen the words so carefully that I couldn't think of anything to say. He had the power of saying the right thing. It must have been a gift from God, because he was always so good at it. And the way he looked into my eyes, always giving me the sense of security that I needed.

And just when I was thinking of his loving kiss, he bent over me, putting his hand on my side and kissing my lips slowly, his eyes closed. I closed my eyes at the touch of his other hand on my cheek, carefully caressing me. Then I kissed him back. He had his head tilted slightly to the side as he returned my kiss. I felt his tongue against mine, both involved in slow movement, just like the other night. Passionate, yet slow and gentle. Just like he was as a whole towards me, passionate, strong...yet slow and gentle.

He finished the kiss slowly as his hat fell off his head, still very close to me. He looked down and laughed quietly at the situation.

"I think we ashamed the hat out of the situation. Like it or not, we're on your bed. I cannot even imagine if the captain--"

I laughed quietly at his joke, but as he spoke, I put my finger over his lips, asking him to be quiet, and so he was, looking back into my eyes as I smiled widely.

"I believe in you," I whispered to him, and he smiled as widely as when we first kissed, that same happy sparkle in his eyes, as he took his hat and placed it on my head.

"And I will not let you go," he whispered back to me, kissing the finger still over his lips and taking my hand in his. "I will help you with the wheel now. You have just pushed the lever, and I know you will need help."

Chapter Six
Stories