ODYSSEY OF THE MIND
Chapter One
"You have to promise me you'll
survive..."
Rose lay on a cot in third class, trying in
vain to sleep. She just couldn't do that...her mind was too full. At the same
time it jumped from one thing to another so rapidly. Rose could not focus in on
only one thing for more than a few moments. Strangely, she also could not cry.
She had even tried to make herself cry...but she didn't feel much of anything.
No anger, loneliness, or sadness at all. At least not yet.
Somehow, Rose was at last able to drift away
to sleep.
When she awoke, she looked about her
surroundings; most people were up on deck, except for her and a few women who
were sleeping. She lay there, not thinking of anything for a change. She feared
if she thought about any one thing, she would have to think of everything. She
instead just stared blankly ahead, not aware of the woman walking toward her
cot.
"Excuse me, but I've seen you lying here
all by yourself. If you don't want to talk right now, that's fine. But I
thought you might like some soup to help you warm up."
Rose just shook her head. She also did not
meet the woman's gaze, even as she began to speak again.
"My name is Catherine. If you need
anything I'll be right nearby. Would you tell me your name? Please?"
"Rose," she muttered softly.
"Okay, Rose. I'll be close if you want
to talk." Catherine started to walk away when Rose changed her mind.
"Catherine." Rose looked in her
direction.
"Yes?" Catherine turned around.
"I...would you stay here...with
me?" Rose suddenly decided she didn't want to be alone.
"Of course." Catherine sat on the
cot next to Rose's and she sat up. Rose studied the woman's gentle appearance.
Her stout figure was a bit pudgy, and her hair was a silvery-gray. Her gentle
eyes were a soft brown that seemed to radiate pure compassion.
"Are you feeling all right, Rose? You
look pale," Catherine observed.
"I'm just a little cold, and tired. I've
got no one with me, so I just would like you to sit right here. Are you by
yourself, too?"
"Yes, I am. But I was alone when I
boarded the...the other ship. But you weren't, were you?"
Rose could only shake her head.
"Where are they? Did they...?"
"No, Catherine. I just can't be with
them anymore. It's a long story."
"Oh, I see. Maybe later on you'll be
able to talk about it. Do you have a place to stay, then?"
"No," she said softly.
"Well, why don't you come and stay with
me...until you can get settled. I own a boarding house in New York. Though I
haven't had any actual boarders in some time, now. I'd be happy if you'd stay
with me for a while. It gets so lonely there." Catherine looked at Rose,
hoping for a positive answer.
"Oh, I don't know. I'd just be in the
way--"
"Nonsense, dear. I'm inviting you as my
guest. Please, don't refuse."
"All right. If you insist."
At Rose's acceptance of her offer, Catherine
smiled slightly. "I'll be so happy to have you. You're going to like it
there, you'll see. Now, you do look very tired. Why don't you close your eyes
for just a little while?"
"I think I will. But you'll stay here,
won't you?"
"Of course, if that is what you want.
Don't worry, I'll be right here when you open your eyes."
Now it was Rose's turn to smile. "Thank
you." With that, she settled back onto her cot, closed her eyes, and was
asleep in a matter of minutes. But this night was to be the first of many, many
nights when Rose did not sleep peacefully.
Catherine sat next to Rose as she started to
fidget in her sleep. Catherine saw that even though Rose's eyes were closed,
she squinted hard and threw her head back and forth as if to dodge something.
She did not want to wake her, but she was afraid not to.
"Rose...Rose, wake up. It's only a
dream. Please wake up." Catherine shook Rose very gently by the shoulder,
not wanting to startle her. Slowly her eyes fluttered open, and she sighed.
"Are you all right now, dear?" Rose shook her head, but could say
nothing at first.
Rose simply yawned and stretched out
slightly. A dream, she said to herself. Only a dream. She looked around the
room. Most people had come down below deck by now. It was getting cold and dark
outside. Rose smiled at Catherine and closed her eyes again. As Rose drifted
off to sleep, her dreams began to come back to her. She looked about her and
all she saw was reminiscence of a life she hated. She a world of arrogant
people...Cal, her mother...but somehow, she did not see her mother as
"evil." Instead, she saw her just as unhappy as she had been, and saw
her as being...frightened, now. Because she believed her only child to be dead.
Everyone else faded away, and Rose was left looking only into the eyes of her
mother...but she couldn't reach her, no matter how hard she tried. Rose began
not only to cry, but also to scream at the same time.
"Rose...Rose!" Catherine tried to
wake her up. But Rose did not hear her. Or even feel Catherine's hand shaking
her shoulder. She just stared at her mother, as she too, began to fade away.
Rose sobbed and reached out to where her mother had stood.
It was at this point that Rose's screams
turned into words...or rather, just one word. She just kept repeating it over
and over, still not seeing or feeling Catherine beside her at all. All
Catherine could do by this time was sit there, listening and watching.
"Mama...mama..." It was what Rose
had called her mother when she was smaller. When Rose became of a social age,
Ruth demanded she stop using it. But now more than anything in the world, she
wanted her mother. But...she couldn't go back to that. She couldn't.
Rose cried harder, realizing that no matter
how much she wanted to run to her mother right now, she couldn't. Like Jack
said, it would kill her inside.
Finally, Rose emerged from the strange state
she was in, seeming to see Catherine for the first time. She wanted to say
something, assure her she was all right now...but she was so tired. She simply
fell into Catherine's arms, holding on to her as tightly as she could, hoping
she would have some words of comfort. To act like a...a mother.
"Shh, it's all right, Rose. It was only
a dream. You're all right." Catherine soothed Rose as much as her
capability let her, but she could still see that Rose above all wanted her
mother. But something in her eyes just held a forbidden truth. Something that
even Rose herself did not want to believe--she couldn't have her mother.
As Rose finally fell asleep a while later,
tears were still trickling down her face. Catherine vowed to do everything she
could for Rose...but she seemed to know nothing would be enough. Nothing except
bringing Rose and her mother together again. Someday. Catherine sighed and lay
down on the empty cot next to Rose. She watched her as she slept, making sure
that she would be all right. She felt that she should stay awake tonight...just
to make sure.
*****
When it at last came time to disembark from
the ship, Rose felt a terrible weight resting on her heart. Partly because it
was already dark outside, and raining. But there was more. Though she knew
there was no point, Rose found herself scanning the crowd of people, hoping to
see her one last time...
As the rain poured, Rose knew there was no
hope. She only wished that she had said something more...nice, when she had
left her mother. But at the time, she was angry. Rose hoped her mother realized
that.
Rose whispered very softly in hopes that even
Catherine wouldn't hear. "I'm sorry, Mama, I hope you can forgive me.
I...I love you." Barely holding back her tears, now, Rose disappeared with
Catherine into the mob of people gathered on the dock.
*****
Much to Rose's protest, all her mind would
feel as she arrived at Catherine's home was guilt. She felt guilty that she
left her mother, guilty that she had left Jack, and guilty that she was going
to stay here with this woman. She was being so kind to her. But why?
After another moment, Rose found the courage
to speak up. "Catherine...I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but why have
you been so kind as to let me stay here? You don't even know me, not
really."
"I just met you, yes. But I do feel like
I know you. That probably doesn't make much sense to you. All I know is, I
couldn't leave you alone. Especially not now."
"It makes more sense to me than you
know. I'm thankful you are taking me in, but I've left my mother all alone. I
don't know what she will do, there in that big house, with only the servants to
talk to..." All of a sudden, Rose burst into tears. Immediately Catherine
hugged her tightly.
"I know you miss her, dear. You've
called for her in your sleep already. Just try to calm down, now. We can talk
about your mother tomorrow. We can get better acquainted then, too. For now, we
both need rest. You can sleep in your own room, or I can bring the cot I have
into my room. Which would you like?"
"I...I'd rather stay with you,
please," Rose pleaded politely.
"Of course. Come." Taking Rose's
hand, Catherine led her upstairs quickly. Rose sat on Catherine's bed silently
as she prepared the cot, bringing a warm blanket and two pillows. As soon as it
was ready, Rose said thank you, and almost before she could even say good
night, she was asleep.
Catherine studied Rose's facial expressions
for a moment. There seemed to be a look of confusion on the young woman's face.
She did not look quite angry or sad, and by no means did she look happy.
Just...confused. Before Catherine could think anything more, Rose began to
fidget in her sleep.
"Jack, where are you?" Rose's voice
was just a whisper at first, but it rose in pitch as her dream continued.
"Jack..."
Catherine was totally confused. Who was this
person Rose was calling for? Rose called out a while longer, then started to
weep, and finally woke up.
Rose looked up at Catherine and realized what
she had been doing. Catherine stared at her, but something in Rose's eyes
warned Catherine away from questions. Rose just closed her eyes slowly and
turned on her other side, pulling the covers tightly around her frail body.
Rose barely slept at all that night. At last,
around dawn, she allowed Catherine to embrace her, to at least give some
comfort. She still would not explain anything, and Catherine thought it best
not to pry.
"Dear," she began gently. "I
think it would be best if you just stayed in bed today. You look awfully weak.
Would you like that, would it help, do you think?"
"Perhaps," Rose answered
reluctantly. "I think that's really all I need. Rest."
"Yes," Catherine agreed.
"Would you like me to set you up in a spare bedroom? I'm sure it would be
much more comfortable than that dreadful old cot you slept on last
evening..."
"I think maybe, yes. It's worth a try. I
am sorry, I must have kept you up all night."
"Oh, please, don't apologize. Let me
just show you your room. It's right across the hall, so if you ever need
anything at night all you have to do is call my name." Rose just smiled
and followed Catherine's lead.
Rose smiled slightly as Catherine opened the
door to the small bedroom. A small bed lay on the opposite wall of the room, a
wide window at the head. The dark blue drapes were worn, but they served their
purpose. On a small end table next to the bed, a small, ornate lamp was placed,
seeming oddly out of place in such a simple room. An elongated dresser was
placed against the right wall, the simple knobs a tarnished brass.
Catherine walked over to the lamp and tugged
on the lamp chain, illuminating the room with an orange glow. She searched
through one of the drawers of the dresser, trying to find the nightgown she
knew was there. When she had at last pulled it out, Rose looked confused.
"I don't mean to be nosy," Rose
interjected, "but where did you get that?" It was obviously something
made for a younger woman, and a relatively smaller size than Catherine appeared
to be.
"It was my daughter's, this was her
room." Catherine looked terribly sad for a moment, but Rose could see the
effort she took pushing away her sad thoughts to smile instead. "Now, I'll
leave you alone a few minutes to get settled. Just let me know when you're
finished, and I'll come back." Catherine closed the door behind her as she
left.
As Rose changed, she wondered briefly about
where Catherine's daughter was. But she knew from Catherine's expression a
moment before that she could not ask.
Now ready for bed, Rose called for Catherine
to join her again...she found she didn't like being alone. Could she even stay
in this room, by herself?
Rose slipped under the covers uncomfortably
at first, then becoming accustomed to the feel. "I...could you...sit with
me, for a while, I mean?" Rose asked awkwardly.
"Of course, dear." Catherine pulled
up a chair from the corner of the room and set it down next to Rose's bedside.
It took Rose awhile to fall asleep, but when
she did, it was very deep. It was not peaceful, but Rose had no realization she
had been dreaming until she woke up screaming at the top of her lungs.
Catherine rushed to her side and wrapped her
hands around Rose's perspiring body. She took in shaky breaths and shook with
chills that she could feel in the very core of her bones. All she could do was
weep.
"Just try to calm down, Rose. It's all
right. Nothing will happen to you here, I promise."
Rose knew Catherine meant well, but she
couldn't really understand...but Rose did not feel ready to explain. She just
cried herself out, resting her head on Catherine's shoulder, then drifted back
to sleep.
This pattern of fitful sleep continued all
throughout the day, and well into the evening. Catherine became worried. She
did not know what to do. She could not even define what exactly it was that was
troubling Rose so. They had all gone through a dreadful experience. But something
told Catherine that there was more to Rose's experience than just that.
At last, by nine o'clock that second evening,
Catherine had to ask Rose for at least a partial explanation for her torment.
Otherwise things would not get any better and Catherine would be of no help at
all. Rose hesitated a long moment before answering her question.
Rose stared at Catherine intently as she
spoke softly. "I-I lost...someone." That was all that Rose said. She
held no emotion and her tears would not fall.
It was all that Catherine needed to know.
"Yes, I see," Catherine whispered. "Well, you can just stay here
until you are feeling better, dear. For as long as it takes. Don't worry about
that. I hate to leave you feeling like this, but it is late, and I need to get
a few hours sleep. If you do need me, though, just call. All right?"
Rose nodded her head and turned over onto her
side. She stared at the wall as if in a trance. She pulled the covers up to her
chin and sunk into her pillows. She was numb. She didn't want to live in
reality any longer. It was too cruel to her.
Later that evening, Catherine was awakened
not by Rose's calling out, but by silence. It was TOO quiet.
Immediately, Catherine went to Rose's room,
and gasped at what she saw. She could not tell if Rose was awake or asleep. Her
eyes were open, but she was not blinking, and she just stared blankly ahead.
Catherine decided to try rousing her. But how?
Catherine, thinking that perhaps Rose was
just physically ill, put the back of her hand to Rose's forehead. Rose still
stared blankly ahead. She felt no warmer than usual so now Catherine was
bewildered. She softly began to speak to Rose, hoping that Rose would recognize
her voice.
"Rose, can you hear me? I know you've
been through a lot and you are very upset, but your being like this is starting
to frighten me, dear. Please talk to me."
Rose continued to stare, but somehow
Catherine sensed that Rose was hearing her, and decided to just keep talking.
She would talk for as long as it took to get a real reaction. Any reaction at
all.
Rose heard Catherine's voice as if through a
fog. She could not even tell that it was Catherine's voice. All she heard were
soft murmurs. She felt at peace this way. She could be whoever she wanted to
be, with anyone she wanted to be with.
"Rose, I know you can hear me,"
Catherine called. "Rose, please come back to me." This time Rose
could at least recognize the voice. It was a woman...she knew the woman. Rose
at last heard what Catherine was saying but did not know how to call back to
her.
Rose quickly discarded the idea of using her
voice. She hadn't the strength for that. Instead, she forced herself to turn
her gaze in Catherine's direction, and stared directly into her eyes.
"Thank goodness!" Catherine
whispered. "Please say something. Are you going to be all right?"
Rose's lips cornered up slightly, not
revealing a smile, but just enough to let Catherine know that she was
responding. Before Catherine could get another word in, Rose shut her eyes and
fell asleep. It was the beginning of a long journey ahead.