ODYSSEY OF THE MIND
Chapter Ten
Things went reasonably smoothly, until
several days later. Catherine was downstairs cleaning up the kitchen after the
evening meal, when she heard a strange sound. Almost without thinking, she
headed upstairs to Rose's room.
Rose had thrown her small hand mirror clear
across the bedroom. Of course the mirror had broken, and Rose rushed to pick up
the pieces. She stared down at the pieces and started to cry. At that moment,
all she could think of was wanting to be with Jack. Without even realizing what
she was doing, she picked up one of the pieces and cut herself on her arm.
"Rose!" Catherine screamed.
The young lady did not respond to her name
being called, but Catherine reached her in time to keep her from harming
herself any further. At Catherine's touch, Rose seemed to be much more aware of
what was happening.
"Let me see how badly you cut yourself,
baby. Please, just hold still a moment."
Rose squirmed in Catherine's arms, but she
eventually let Catherine look at her arm. She had not cut deeply or through any
veins, but Rose was crying hysterically. Catherine supposed it was mostly from
thinking, but she asked to make sure.
"Does that hurt much, Rose?"
Rose tried to speak through her sobs.
"It...it stings...a lot."
"I bet it does. Now, come with me,
dear." Catherine stood her up and led her to the bathroom to clean her
wound.
As soon as Catherine began tending to her
cut, Rose became very still. Unusually so, these days. That did not worry
Catherine, but she wanted to be sure Rose was not shutting down again in some
way. And so, she asked her a gentle question.
"Rose, did you do this because you were
thinking about Jack, again? You can tell me the truth, it's all right to be
honest."
Rose looked at her with sad eyes. She just
nodded. "I...I don't know what happened. I got so...so frustrated and
that's why I broke the mirror...I...I didn't mean to do this. I don't know what
came over me." Rose began to cry again. She placed her head on Catherine's
shoulder as Catherine placed a damp cloth on her arm.
"Shh, it's okay, dear. Can I ask you
something, honey?"
"Uh-huh," she said through sobs.
"Do you want to die?"
Rose looked at her surprised. Then she turned
her gaze downwards. "No."
"So you just do this without thinking. I
can see you want to stop doing these things, but I cannot possibly watch you
every minute. You will have to learn how to stop your mind from reacting like
this all the time. I know it will be very difficult. I'll help any way I can.
There, all bandaged up. Does it feel all right?"
Rose simply nodded. "I'm glad. I know
it's early, but would you like to sleep? I'm almost done in the kitchen. Then I
can sit near you until you fall asleep. Would you like that?"
"No. I think I'd rather be alone."
Catherine was unsure she should leave her be
and she made it known. "I don't think that's such a good idea,
Rose..."
Rose looked at her so sadly. All she wanted
was some time alone to really think things out.
Catherine sighed. "All right, but only
under one condition...you must give me your word you won't do anything like
this again. No hurting yourself...or even thinking of it. Understood?"
"Yes. Thank you." Catherine kissed
Rose on the forehead and led her back to her bedroom. Very shortly, Rose was
comfortably settled in bed.
"I hope you sleep well, dear. You could
really use the rest."
"Yes, I could. Good night, Catherine.
And...thank you."
Suddenly tears sprang to Catherine's eyes.
"You're welcome, Rose. Call me if you need anything." After giving
Rose one more kiss, she left the room, closing the door behind her. But as it
turned out, it took hours for Rose to fall asleep. Her mind was too active that
night. Though she was thinking of something different than usual. Her father.
Rose lay there in the dark, thinking deeply
about her father. She didn't know why, but she just couldn't shake his profile
from her mind. She turned over onto her side and stared at the wall. Her eyes
grew heavy and they unconsciously closed. Rose, sensing a need to stay awake,
reopened her eyes. There before her, she saw her father.
"Hello, Rose, darling," he spoke to
her.
"Daddy! I've missed you so much...I'm
glad you're here."
"I had to come, darling. I know you've
been thinking about me a lot. Most of all, I'm here to help you."
"Help me with what, Daddy?"
"Mostly to help you get better, darling.
And to make sure you don't hurt yourself anymore."
"Oh," she said ashamed.
"Everything will be all right,
honey."
"I hope so. I want to get better, I
really do. But sometimes, I just can't...take it anymore."
"And that's why I'm here. To give you
reassurance."
"How?"
"Just by being here and talking to you.
Like I always did. You remember that, don't you?"
"Of course I do, Daddy. I wasn't a
little girl when you...I still remember that day so well. All that light was so
horrible...I've never forgotten how you looked..." Rose's voice trailed
off.
"Shh, you mustn't think that way, Rose.
All that matters is you, now. I've been watching over you. You make me so
proud, honey. You've shown an inner strength that I always knew was there.
You'll get through this and you'll be the strongest you've ever been. Trust
me."
"I trust you, Daddy. I just...I don't
know, sometimes."
"Shh, listen to me," he spoke
softly. "You're going to be okay. I won't let it be any other way."
"All right. Can you tell me why Mother
seems so angry when I mention you? I try to do it carefully, but it doesn't
help. Why does she hate you?"
"She doesn't, Rose. She's just bitter.
And sometimes, she just can't be sensitive to how much you miss me. You must
give her another chance. The next time you talk to her, ask her again about
going to the cemetery. Because even though I'm here now, it would be good for
you, and your mother. For now, why don't you try to sleep, my Rose? You look so
tired."
"No, Daddy, I just want you to stay with
me a while. Please?"
"All right, dear. Oh, Rose, can you
promise me something?"
"Anything, Daddy," she said
sweetly.
"When your mother explains, tell her I
forgive her, all right?"
"For what?"
"Just promise me..."
"Okay, Daddy. I promise. And I promise
you I'll make you proud."
"You already do, sweet Rose. You already
do." Her father's last words echoed in Rose's ears and her eyelids drooped
closed.
"I love you, Daddy," she whispered
just before she fell asleep.
*****
"Rose, would you like to talk to your
mother again, today?" asked Catherine. Rose was still pacing up and down the
parlor, though it was not as fast or nerve-wracking.
"Hmm? Oh, yes." Rose passed
Catherine and rushed right to the telephone. She had already dialed before
Catherine had caught up with her.
"Hello, Mother. How are you?"
"How wonderful to hear from you, again,
Rose. I'm doing all right. Are you feeling any better, darling?"
"Yes, I slept very well last evening. I
trust you did the same?"
"Yes," Ruth said quickly.
"Rose, honey, what's wrong? You're talking...well, in your old way."
"Yes, I know. Because it seems that is
how you want me to talk...that there are only certain things I can bring
up."
"Rose, I never said that. You were so
warm with me before all of this with...with your father. I wish you would go
back to how you were. It was so nice to have you talking like that...because I
miss you so very much. All I want is for you to come home."
Rose sighed. "I want to come home, too,
Mama. And I'm sorry I'm being so uptight. I just...I'm so frustrated right
now."
"It's all right, Rose. I understand."
"Really?"
"Yes, Rose. Stress can be very
powerful."
"So I've noticed. Mama?"
"Yes, darling?"
"Are you...are you proud of me?"
Rose just had to ask.
"Oh, Rose. I am SO proud of you,
darling. You are so much stronger than anyone I've known. In every way
possible."
"I'm so happy to hear you say that. I do
miss you, so much, but I'm just not ready to come home yet. Will you still
leave my room the same until I come?"
"Of course I will, darling. Shall we
keep calling each other every day? Does it help you?"
"Oh, yes! So much. I just wish we could
do more than talk on the telephone. I wonder, sometimes if I will ever get
home."
"You will get home, Rose. I promise you
that. It just looks like it may be a little bit longer than planned."
"Okay," Rose spoke sadly. "I
guess I just have my doubts, at times." Rose looked about the room sadly.
There, sitting across the room from Rose, was Jack.
"Go away!" Rose yelled.
"You're dead. Go away!" Rose closed her eyes tightly.
"Rose!" Both Catherine and Ruth
screamed.
"What's wrong? What's going on?"
asked Ruth.
Rose hesitated a few seconds before reopening
her eyes. The spot where Jack had been sitting was empty. Rose sighed with
relief.
"Rose, answer me!" Ruth was
screaming.
Catherine was by now, standing at Rose's
side, but Rose did not yet notice her.
"I'm all right, Mama. I really am
getting better. He's gone now."
"Who, Rose? You were just screaming.
Don't tell me you're getting better if--"
"I am better, Mama. Trust me. He went
away this time."
"Who, honey?"
"Jack," she said reluctantly.
"Yes, Catherine told me about
that."
"It's all right, though. I realize
he's...he's...dead, now." Rose was nearly about to cry, Ruth could hear it
in her voice.
"Shh, don't cry, Rose."
"Don't you tell me what to think or
feel! You hated him and you know it!"
"Please, calm down, Rose. I...I,"
Ruth paused. "The only reason I disliked Jack is because he presented
a...threat to me at the time. He really was a decent young man. He loved you, I
know."
"Yes, he did. You...you really don't
hate him anymore?"
"No, Rose. Whenever you feel you need to
talk about him, go right ahead. It's fine."
"Well...all right, if you're sure. I
should really go now, Mama. You will call tomorrow?"
"Yes, of course. I love you, Rose.
Good-bye."
"I love you too, Mama. Bye."
Rose sighed as she hung up the phone. In a
strange, confusing way, what her mother had just said made her coping with
Jack's death a little bit easier.
"Is everything all right, Rose?"
Catherine asked.
"Yes, I think...I think I'm better, now,
Catherine."
"That's good, dear. Before, you really
had me worried--"
"No, I don't think you understand."
Rose looked her straight in the eyes. "I think I'm all better, now."
"What makes you think that, Rose?"
"Because, I saw Jack, but I told him to
go away because I knew he was dead...and he did. I'm quite sure I won't see him
anymore. Can I go home soon? Please, Catherine?"
"I'll tell you what, dear...we'll see
how you are over the next week or so. Then, if I see you're all right, we'll
tell your mother. But don't tell her until then, all right? I don't want her to
get her hopes up if you still need help. Okay?"
"Yes, I understand."
"And I'd like for her to travel here
first, then she can take you home. I don't want you traveling just yet."
Rose nodded her head quickly and excitedly.
"Oh, Catherine! Thank you!" Rose grabbed Catherine and hugged her
tightly. Catherine returned the hug happily.
"You're welcome, dear. I've been so glad
to help. It's hard to believe you've been here nearly a year, now. It will seem
so empty here without you, my little Rose."
"James will be staying here with you,
won't he?"
"Yes, I imagine so, but that won't be
nearly the same. You are like my daughter, dear, and I really don't know how
I..."
Now it was Rose's chance to comfort
Catherine. "I'll come and visit as much as I can, I promise. And you're
welcome to visit Mother and I as often as you like, too. Mother told me
so."
"That would be wonderful. Quite a change
from this dreary place, I'm sure." Catherine motioned to her surroundings.
"To tell you the truth, the house IS
rather big...but I've always preferred smaller houses like this one. It gives it
a...homey feeling. Mother always made our house look kind of non-lived in. I
guess it always had a...sharp, empty look. I always tried to make my room
softer. Mother hardly ever went in there. She said my dolls and stuffed animals
were childish."
"Well," Catherine said. "I
certainly wouldn't think so. That would make for a very comfortable room."
"And, most of them came from Daddy, so I
couldn't bear to part with them. Mother got rid of so many things that had
belonged to Daddy. I wanted to keep anything he ever gave me. I still don't
think Mother understands that."
"Well, dear, perhaps soon you two can
talk that out. Now, in light of how much better you're feeling, why don't we go
out somewhere today?"
"Oh, yes, please! Where can we go?"
Rose asked excitedly.
"Why don't we just go for a walk? This
part of the city isn't too bad, and it's a simply beautiful day..."
"Oh, that sounds wonderful! I'll go get
dressed." Rose ran upstairs to her closet. Catherine had bought Rose a
couple of plain dresses. They were much, much less extravagant than what Rose
had been used to, but she was just glad she didn't have to wear that damn
corset.
Rose dressed quickly and walked down the
stairs to meet Catherine.
"You look wonderful, Rose. Very
happy."
"I am. Let's go. It does look very nice
out. I can't even remember the last time I've been outside. Did you really tell
Mama everything that happened to me?"
"A lot of it, yes. Why do you ask?"
"Because I...I'm surprised she didn't
react poorly. She says all she wants is for me to come home. I do want to go,
but...there are so many memories there."
Rose and Catherine want outside and set out
on their walk before Catherine asked the question that was on her mind.
"What memories exactly, Rose?"
"Well, the last time I was there, in the
house that is, was just before Cal took us on the European tour. At that time,
I was sadder to leave it. Most of the bad memories were from the time my father
fell ill, to just when I left. I've told you mostly how my mother acted after my
father died. Things just weren't the same. So...I'm kind of worried about being
there, again. I don't know if I'll automatically fall back into the mind of
Rose DeWitt-Bukater, or keep the strength of Rose Dawson."
"I'm sure you'll do just fine,"
Catherine comforted her.
"I will do the best I can, but if Mother
still refuses to talk about Daddy, things will be left...unfinished, in a way.
He meant--means--so much to me. I just want Mother to understand that. I know
she loves me, now, but her understanding mine and Daddy's relationship would
mean a lot, too."
"I'm sure. You just need to give your
mother a chance, dear. I really think she just isn't ready to talk about your
father yet...that's all."
"I hope so. But I guess I owe it to me
AND my mother to at least try."
"That's a good attitude." Catherine
smiled and Rose soon returned the smile.
Later that afternoon, as Rose and Catherine
returned from their walk, Catherine mentioned that she had a surprise waiting
for Rose.
"Well, what is it Catherine?"
"Calm down, dear. Just sit down and I'll
bring it right down." Catherine walked upstairs and into her bedroom. She
opened her bureau drawer and pulled out the box she was looking for.
Upon her return downstairs, Catherine saw
Rose sitting up straight and her eyes bright and shining. Catherine smiled and
sat down next to Rose in the living room.
"Here, Rose. I was saving this for when
you were better."
Rose opened the small box and pulled out its
contents...it was a beautifully crafted scarf.
"Oh, Catherine..."
"It was my mother's," Catherine
explained.
"It's beautiful...are you sure you want
me to have it? It's so special. And since I'm not even related, I'm not
sure..."
"I thought you would say that. I do
understand your objection, but I've decided I want you to have it. Rebecca was
my only child. I was never able to give it to her, let alone to a
granddaughter. I want you to have it."
Rose whispered 'thank you,' and suddenly
burst into tears.
"Rose, dear, whatever is the
matter?"
"I...I just..." It took Rose a few
seconds to compose herself. "You've just done so much for me...and
I..." Rose paused for a little while. "I love you," she
whispered.
"Oh, Rose," Catherine put her arms
around Rose tightly. "I love you, too, honey. Can you promise me
something, Rose?"
Rose looked up at Catherine with tears
running down her face. "Anything," she said sweetly.
"I want you to pass this down to your
first born daughter. Can you do that for me, Rose?"
"I would be honored," she said
proudly.
"Thank you, my darling. Now, you have
had quite a busy day. We should have dinner. You just relax, I'll make
it."
"All right. I'm going to find a
book." Rose liked to go into Catherine's small library. It reminded her of
her father's study at home...before her mother had sold all of his things. Very
shortly, Rose was settled in a chair, reading. Seemingly, right away, Catherine
was calling her to the table, and they took a very pleasant meal together.
*****
Rose awoke later that week with an eager
mind...and heart. Today, Rose was to tell her mother she could come home.
There came a knock on Rose's bedroom door.
"Rose, are you awake, dear?" asked Catherine softly.
"Yes, Catherine, I'm awake. Come
in."
"I made you some breakfast and I decided
to bring it up to you. I made bacon and eggs." Catherine smiled at her.
"Oh, how delightful." She smiled
back. Catherine placed the tray on Rose's nightstand drawer.
"Thank you, Catherine. As soon as I'm
finished, I'm going to call Mama. I wonder how long it will take her to get
here."
"I'm not sure, but it shouldn't be very
long. I'm glad to see you so happy. But I'm sad at the same time. I really will
come to visit as soon as I can. Once you've had time to settle in at home,
actually. I don't suppose that will take long. You and your mother will need
time to discuss some things, I'm sure. I'll leave you to finish your breakfast.
When you come down to make the call, just bring your dishes."
"I will." Rose smiled at Catherine
again as she left.
Just a while later, Rose was dialing her
mother. She was so excited her fingers were shaking. At last, she had finished
dialing. As usual, Ruth answered.
"Hello?"
"Mama, it's me. Catherine says I can
come home. Can you leave soon, to come here to get me?"
"Yes, of course. I've just been waiting
for you to tell me when. I'm so happy, darling. It's been so long..."
"I know, Mama. I'll start packing as
soon as we hang up. You'll be leaving tomorrow, then?"
"Yes, dear. You get to your packing,
now. I love you, darling. Good-bye."
"Good-bye, Mama."
Rose hung up the phone. At last things were
going perfectly.