ODYSSEY OF THE MIND
Chapter Eleven
Ruth walked up the few small steps that led
up to Catherine Tyler's house. Was this all a dream? Was Rose REALLY here? It
didn't seem possible. She had been longing to hold her daughter again for so
long, and now she was finally going to get a chance.
Ruth knocked on the wooden door and waited
for a reply. At last it opened.
Catherine smiled the instant she saw who was
standing there. "I'm so glad you made it here all right. Please come in.
How was your trip?"
"Fine, thank you. I'm sorry to be rude,
but I cannot wait any longer. Where is Rose? She IS here?"
"Yes, yes, of course." Catherine
led Ruth up the staircase and into Rose's bedroom. "I'm afraid she is
still sleeping. I'll leave you two alone now." Ruth nodded her head, and
Catherine left the room, closing the door behind her.
Ruth stared at her daughter. She looked so
peaceful, even though her hair was a mess and she looked like she hadn't had a
decent night's sleep in weeks. Ruth sat down beside the bed, patiently waiting
for Rose to awaken. She seemed just fine, but she had gone through so
much...could she really be fine after that? Ruth forced herself to stop
thinking like that. This was her daughter. No matter what she was like, she was
coming home.
Suddenly, Rose stirred and opened her eyes.
'Oh God, not again,' Rose thought. She had
been through these hallucinations twice already. She didn't need it a third
time. She shut her eyes tightly hoping that the image in front of her might
disappear. She opened her eyes, and her mother was still there. When the image
in front of her spoke, she thought she was going to have a panic attack.
"Rose...it's me."
"No, I'm just seeing things again. I
thought I was finally better...please, I don't want to go through this again! I
can't!"
"Rose, it is really me. It's Mama."
She reached out and took Rose's hand. "You see? I'm not going to disappear
this time. I'm here, for you."
Rose didn't know whether to trust her senses.
They had failed her before in the past, why wouldn't they now? In a state of
confusion Rose began to cry, like she did so many times before. But this time,
her mother was there for her.
"Oh, Rose..." Ruth took Rose into
her arms and held her as she cried.
Rose did not return the embrace at first, she
was still unsure that her mother was really there. But when she kissed Rose's
cheek and stroked the back of her hair, she knew that it wasn't a dream. Her
mother was really there.
"Mama?"
Ruth nodded her head. "It's really me
this time, Rose," she said almost in a whisper. For several moments, Rose
just stayed there in her mother's arms, afraid to break the spell of the
happiness she felt by moving. But shortly, she lifted her head, and looked into
her mother's eyes.
"I missed you, so much. I thought that
I...I might never see you again."
"Oh, Rose..." Ruth could see the
sadness in her daughter's eyes. She had been through much, she could tell. And
it wasn't just losing Jack, or going through the Titanic experience. It was
much, much more.
"I knew when we were on the Carpathia
that you were alive, Rose. I didn't have any proof, but I knew in here,"
Ruth placed her hand over her heart, "that you were alive. I made a vow to
myself that I would not stop until I found you."
Rose finally had to say what was on her mind.
"When I first saw in the paper that you didn't go to the memorial
service...I thought it was because you...you didn't love me."
"Rose, I have ALWAYS loved you. Even
though I have not shown it much over the years." Ruth cast her eyes
downward. Then she continued on with her explanation. "The only reason I
didn't go to that service was because I knew that you were alive. I thought it
was senseless to go to a memorial service for someone who was very much alive."
Rose was genuinely confused. "All that
time before Catherine called you, you were always sure of that? How, Mama? I
don't understand."
"I couldn't explain it if I tried. It
was just a feeling I had deep down inside. And then I...I saw you in my thoughts
sometimes. You were in very disturbed sleep. That made the need to find you
even stronger. I knew that you needed me." Rose was stunned. This woman
that she saw before her was nothing like the Ruth DeWitt Bukater that she had
grown up with. Rose could tell that she really HAD changed.
Rose looked at Ruth bewildered.
"Mama...did something happen to you to make you change like this?"
"Yes, Rose, it did. I came to my senses
and started thinking of you rather than myself. I knew almost from the start
that Cal didn't make you happy. I was just so terribly selfish. I'm sorry for
that, Rose. Please, forgive me."
Rose's eyes became misted over, again...but
for other reasons this time. "I already have forgiven you, Mama. I just
want to be with you again. I missed you."
"I've missed you so much, dear."
Ruth embraced her daughter very lovingly. She, too, began to cry. After
embracing for another moment, Ruth pulled away from Rose a bit.
"Now, why don't you get up and come
downstairs with me? It's about midday, now. I'm quite sure Catherine is making
lunch already."
"I don't doubt it. But I must look
terrible! I need to freshen up first."
"Relax, dear. There's no one here to see
you but Catherine and myself. But if it would make you feel more comfortable,
go right ahead. I'll be downstairs waiting, all right?"
"Okay." Ruth smiled at Rose and
kissed her forehead before leaving Rose's bedroom.
Ruth and Catherine sat quietly talking in the
kitchen, but when they heard Rose coming downstairs, they both looked up.
"Do you feel better now, Rose? You
really didn't need to worry so much about how you look, it's just the three of
us here," Ruth said.
"I know, Mama. I suppose I'm just too
used to doing it, that's all. Now, what will we be having for lunch? I'm very
hungry," Rose said energetically.
"I'm afraid all we have is sandwiches
today, dear. Is that all right?" asked Catherine.
"Yes, that's fine."
"Rose, come take a seat next to
me," Ruth said kindly. She pulled out a chair and gestured for Rose to
sit. Rose sat in the chair and slumped down comfortably. "Rose, dear,
don't slouch."
Rose shot her an angry look. Ruth looked back
at her and realized what she had said. "I...I'm sorry, Rose. Old
habit."
"I know it is. I think as time goes by,
you'll stop saying things like that, with practice. I can't be like I used to
be, Mama. It wasn't really who I am, and if I try to be like that, I just
won't..."
Catherine interrupted as gently as she could.
"Rose, you and your mother can talk about those things later. For now,
just eat your fill. You still need to gain weight back, dear." For the
first time Ruth seemed to notice how thin Rose was. It was true that sometimes
Rose had wished she was smaller, like her mother, but not like this. She had
lost a lot of weight from her delusional states. More weight than a girl of her
figure should ever lose.
Ruth was filled with guilt. She should have
been there with her daughter when she was going through her rough times.
They ate lunch in silence, not having
anything pleasant to talk about. After lunch was concluded, Catherine
announced, too loudly, that she needed to go for a walk. Rose suppressed a
grin, knowing why she had said it. As Catherine left through the front door,
Rose and her mother both went into the parlor to begin discussing things. So
many things...
"Rose," Ruth began. "What
really happened when I wasn't here? All I know is bits and pieces of what
Catherine told me."
Rose closed her eyelids and took in a deep
breath. She wasn't prepared for this today. "Where do you wish me to
start? After I left you on the ship, or after it had...when we on the
Carpathia?"
"You decide, Rose. You don't have to
tell me anything you really don't want to. Mostly, I just wonder how you ended
up like this...so thin. And there is something in your eyes that just makes you
look...not sad, not ill either. Just...changed. Please tell me, what is
it?"
"To make things simple, Mother, I went
temporarily insane...twice." Ruth looked at her confused. What was she
saying?
"Almost from the very second when I
lost..." Rose was silent for a few seconds. "I began having
these...dreams, if you wish to call them that. I saw so many horrible things. I
saw the ship sinking, I saw Daddy, and I saw Jack...I started seeing Jack,
Mama. First just in my head, and then in front of my eyes. I thought he was
really there...as real as you are right now, sitting here. I saw Daddy, too.
They kept telling me to just be strong; I could make it without them. But I...I
couldn't. I really couldn't. In between the times I saw them, I would...well,
panic. I just wasn't strong enough. More than once, Catherine had to stop me
from...hurting myself. If it weren't for her, I think I would be dead. That
second time, I don't know what happened. I was convinced that Cal was going
to...well come and get me, drag me back to marry him. I was doing so well and
then I just went down hill again. No matter what Catherine would say to me, I
didn't believe her. She tried everything in her power to ease my mind, but I
just wouldn't...couldn't, hear her. I was terrified, that's the only word for
it. I went back and forth between fright and tears, because, for as afraid of
him as I was, that was how...how much I wanted you. Catherine told me most
nights I would be screaming for you in my sleep. Not just calling
you...screaming."
Rose wasn't aware of it, but tears were
starting to stream down her face. Ruth gently brushed them away with the back
of her hand. "It's all right, Rose. I'm here now. I'm never going to leave
you like that again." Rose closed her eyes and nodded. This was too much
emotion for one day.
"Rose, why don't we go see if we can
find Catherine outside? It's a beautiful day, and you really look like you
could use the sunlight."
Rose reluctantly said yes, and stood up.
Suddenly she was very unsteady on her feet, making worry leap into her mother's
eyes. Ruth steadied her, and told her to sit down again. "Perhaps we
should stay in after all. I think you've had enough new experiences for today,
hmm?"
"Yes, I think so." Rose put her
hand to her forehead. "Oh, I have such a headache all of a sudden. Could
you get me a glass of water, Mother?"
"Of course, dear. Just wait right here,
I'll be right back."
As Rose sat there waiting, she thought about
nothing in particular. She had thought too much today already. She knew she
shouldn't be like this...her mother was here now. So was there something else
wrong? Why did she have such a headache?
Ruth returned with a tall glass filled with cool
water. She handed it to Rose and felt her forehead; she didn't have a fever.
That was good at least. "Perhaps you've done too much thinking today,
darling. That can cause you a terrible headache." Rose drank the glass of
water then looked back up into her mother's eyes.
"Yes, I know. But I just don't
feel...right. It hit me so suddenly, and I feel terribly light-headed."
Ruth knew this was serious now. "Rose,
just lie down here on the couch. Would you rather I left you alone, or
stayed?"
"Please don't leave me alone."
There was such desperation in Rose's voice, the thought of leaving her never
crossed Ruth's mind a second time.
"I'll stay right here with you, don't
worry." She kissed Rose's forehead and sat there, on the floor, next to
her daughter. She watched as her eyelids slowly closed. It was then that
Catherine reentered the house, coming straight into the parlor.
"Ruth, what is it? Is something wrong
with Rose?"
"Yes. She has a headache. One minute she
was fine, and the next she said she felt truly ill. I don't know what it could
be."
"I'm going to call the doctor, right
now. You just stay there, in case she wakes up. She doesn't like waking up and
finding herself alone if she's like this."
Catherine walked out into the sitting room,
while Ruth stayed with Rose. She suspected that this was something that Rose
had gone through a lot of in the past year. But was there something that
triggered it this time? Or was she truly ill?
As Catherine left, Rose opened her eyes
again. "Mama...it hurts. Make it stop..."
"I would if I could, darling. The doctor
will be here soon. Has this ever happened to you before?"
"No, never like this. I've had
headaches, but nothing out of the ordinary. This one feels like someone is
ripping my head apart."
"Were you thinking of anything when it
happened?"
Rose thought for a second before replying.
"No, I don't think so." Rose had a confused look on her face. She
really had no clue what had done it this time. "I don't know why this is
happening, but I don't think it's just stress, Mama. Something is wrong. But
I've already had enough problems. I don't want to be sick anymore! I don't want
you to see me like this!" Rose yelled out in frustration.
"Rose, I'm going to stay with you no
matter what. Do you understand? I'm NOT leaving you. Tell me you believe me,
Rose." Rose did not open her eyes. The light bothered her for some reason.
"I believe you, Mama. I love
you..." It was the last thing that Rose said before she fell asleep again.
The next time Rose was aware of anything,
there was a doctor standing over her, telling her to open her eyes. She did
this, reluctantly.
"Now, your mother here has told me you
have a bad headache. How do you feel right now?" the doctor asked kindly.
"Terrible, my head feels like it's splitting
apart. I just want it to stop."
"Yes, of course." Rose was annoyed
with his tone of voice. It was almost as if he were speaking to himself rather
than her. Without warning, he flashed a small light in her eyes, which made her
cry out in pain.
"Oh, my. I take it that the light
inflicts pain, now does it?" Rose's annoyance grew stronger. She had just
screamed out in pain, wasn't that self-explanatory?
"Yes. Very much so. Doctor, what's wrong
with me? This couldn't be caused by just stress, could it?"
"No, I don't think so. But I won't say
that it isn't possible."
Now it was Ruth's turn to speak up.
"Isn't there something you can do to find out for sure? My daughter can't
go on suffering like this."
"No, of course not. All I can tell you
is to have her take something for the pain, and get plenty of rest. If she
doesn't feel better by tomorrow, you should bring her to the hospital."
Ruth had been dreading that word since the
doctor arrived. She knew the sort of reaction it would get from Rose. It came,
just as she expected.
Rose sat up right startled. "No! I don't
care what you say or do to me, I will NOT go to the hospital. I never want to
set foot in another hospital for as long as I live." She said this calmly
but VERY firmly. It was obvious that she was not going to cave in on this
issue.
"Rose, dear, perhaps it would be best if
you just--"
Rose cut Catherine off abruptly.
"No."
Catherine was surprised. Rose had never
spoken to her like that before. She silently watched as the rest of the
conversation unfolded.
"My daughter doesn't want that, and if
she doesn't want to go, she isn't going, Doctor. I'm very glad you came, but
whatever happens, Catherine and I will take care of my daughter. Right here, where
she is comfortable."
"The final decision is up to you, of
course. If you do need me again, please do call. Good day, ladies."
Catherine showed the doctor to the door,
leaving Ruth and Rose alone together. "I can't go to the hospital, Mama.
You know what being in those buildings does to me...I just can't." Rose
began to cry tiredly.
Her father had been sent to the hospital many
times. It had torn Rose apart a little bit more every time. She hated seeing
her father in so much pain. She was grateful, at least, that he had insisted on
not going the last time. Much to Ruth's protest, he wanted to die in peace--at
home.
"I know you can't, darling. You won't
have to, no matter what. I promise. Might you be more comfortable upstairs in
your own bed?"
"I'll go up there later. Right now I
need something for the pain. Catherine must have something." Just then,
Catherine was stepping back into the room.
"Yes, I do, dear, upstairs. I'll be
right back. Just lie still, try to relax."
As she waited, Rose fixed her eyes on her
mother's face. Still, they had no clue what was wrong. And now Rose was growing
frightened.
"Mama, what's happening to me? What did
I do to deserve all of this?" Rose was starting to panic.
"Rose, dear, you must stay calm, or you
might make matters worse. Everything is going to be fine darling. I promise.
Now just lay down and try to get some rest." Ruth said this as calmly as
possible. She HAD to be calm...for Rose's sake.
"Very well." Rose lay back down on
the couch and waited for Catherine to return.
Ruth sat there silently, but so many thoughts
were going through her mind...she had waited so long to be with Rose...and now
this. She didn't think this present trouble was punishment for Rose, other than
the pain she had to endure. It was her own emotional punishment. For not being
here when Rose needed her; for never truly being her mother before.
Ruth began to cry, but controlling her sobs.
She didn't want Rose to hear her cry at a time like this. She needed to be
strong for her. Ruth envied Rose's strength more than anything. She had been
through so much, and yet she was still here. And up until now, she was doing
fine. She HAD to make it through this. She endured so much to have it all be
worth nothing now.
Ruth was as quiet as she could be as she
cried, but it wasn't enough. "Mama, please don't cry. Please. I'll be
careful, I'm going to get better. I won't go away like...like Daddy. Mama, you
always used to tell me you didn't love Daddy. Is that really true?"
Ruth cast her eyes downward. She didn't
expect Rose to ask that question now, of all times. She didn't even know how to
answer it. She took in a deep breath and envisioned Patrick looking down on
her.
"That's a difficult question, Rose. I
think that in my heart, I really did love him. But he was like you, Rose. He
didn't care what was proper. He did what he wanted to do, and didn't care what
anyone thought of him. He just made me so frustrated at times. I didn't know
how to deal with it. So most of the time, I shut him out...much like the way I
did to you. Only, I didn't have a chance to ever apologize to him." Ruth
was silent for a long while. It was her turn to do some complex thinking.
After Catherine had come to give Rose the
medicine she needed and then left, Ruth spoke up again, as if the conversation
had not been interrupted.
"If I could, I would tell him I'm sorry.
He was a wonderful father, and if I had let him into my life, he would have
been a marvelous husband, I know. We can't go back now, so maybe by redeeming
myself with you, your father can forgive me. Someday."
"He already has, Mama. He told me
so." Rose recalled what her father had made her promise him.
"Rose, you were in a...delusional state
then--" Rose put a finger over Ruth's lips.
"This one time was different. I can't
explain it, but there was one time when Daddy came to me. He spoke to me only
for a little while, but he knew that you had changed. He was very proud of
you."
"Thank you for telling me that, Rose. It
means a lot to me. The entire way here I was promising him I was finally going
to take care of you, love you like you are meant to be. It certainly took me
long enough, didn't it, Rose?"
"The only thing that matters is that
you're here with me now." Despite the horrendous pain in Rose's head, she
managed to smile. The smile was short lived, though. The pains ripped through
her head again, and Rose squinted hard. "Mama, I think I'd like to go
upstairs now."
"All right, darling. I apologize for
keeping you talking so long. Come, just lean on me if you have to. We'll take
it slowly."
Rose looked uncertain, but got to her feet.
She did indeed have to lean very heavily on her mother. Through much effort,
they made it up the staircase and into Rose's bedroom. Ruth helped her to the
bed and made sure she was comfortable. Though no level of comfort could get rid
of the pain.
Rose took long, deep breaths, and let them
out slowly. She tried to relax all her muscles. She knew if she tensed, it would
just make matters worse.
"Rose, are you all right?" Ruth
noticed her unusual breathing.
"What do you think, Mother?" Rose
asked very forcefully.
"I mean are you any worse. You're
breathing abnormally. You just scared me--"
"Just please be quiet! It hurts..."
Ruth had never heard that tone in Rose's voice before. Even while talking about
her engagement to Mr. Hockley.
Ruth made sure to whisper now. "I know
you don't want to, but perhaps you should go to the hospital, dear. I promise
I'll stay right there with you. Someone has to find out what is wrong with you,
darling. Please, let's go. Right now."
Rose winced at the thought. If there were one
thing in the world she would pick to never do again, it would be to go to the
hospital. But she knew her mother was right. "Not now, Mother." Rose
paused for a few seconds. "But if it is still like this tomorrow morning,
I promise you that we will go to the hospital."
"All right, Rose. Just sleep for now.
Shall I still stay here, or not?"
"Please stay. You don't have to say
anything more. Just...hold my hand. Please?"
"Of course, dear. Now sleep. You need a
lot of rest." Rose closed her eyes and within minutes, she was asleep. The
painkillers worked, but to little fulfillment. Ruth tried to comprehend what
would be giving Rose such terrible headaches. She had been just fine, and then
POW. Almost as if lightning had struck her.
Ruth sat there beside her daughter trying to
convince herself that it was nothing, this was just a horrible headache. But
deep down inside she knew it was far worse.