ODYSSEY OF THE MIND
Chapter Twelve
About a half an hour later, Rose spoke up,
her eyes still closed. "Mama, you said you were going to hold my hand. Why
did you let go?"
"I haven't, dear. Open your eyes, you'll
see that."
Rose did just that, and saw her mother was
telling the truth. So why couldn't she feel her mother's hand in her own? Rose
began to try to move her fingers. They moved only the slightest bit. This
wasn't like the last time, though. She couldn't even feel her hand. She looked
down at it confused. "Mama...I'm starting to get scared. I...I can't feel my
hand."
"Rose, I think we should go to the
hospital...right now. Do you think you can walk?"
"I can try, but everything is so numb,
Mama. My head still hurts, but I can hardly feel anything, at least on my right
side, anyway."
Rose sat up, then tried to stand. But when
she began trying to walk, she nearly fell. Ruth knew Catherine would have to
come help if they expected to get out of the house.
"Catherine!" Ruth called from
Rose's bedroom. Catherine rushed up the stairs to find Ruth supporting Rose. "Catherine,
we need to get Rose to the hospital. Now." With no questions asked,
Catherine helped Ruth get Rose downstairs.
When they reached Catherine's carriage, she
stood there puzzled a moment. Then she remembered. Thankfully, she could see
that the window to his room was open. "James, come down here to the front
of the house, please!" At the sound of his name, the young man stuck his
head out the window. "It's important, James. Please hurry, now."
James ran downstairs, hearing the desperation
in Catherine's voice. He prayed Rose was all right. When he got to the front of
the house, he could see Rose leaning on the two women, looking very pale.
"We need your help, James," said Catherine. "We need you to help
us get Rose in the carriage."
James did not ask what had happened, or where
they were going, though he could guess their destination. As gently as he
could, he lifted Rose into his arms, moving carefully as he stepped up into the
carriage. As he put her down, he heard Rose whisper a 'thank you.' Then he
stepped down again, waited for the other two ladies to get into the carriage,
and closed the door. Wordlessly, he climbed up into the seat and prepared to
take them where they needed to go.
"To the hospital, James."
"Which one, Miss?"
"The closest one!" Ruth yelled. She
had restrained from yelling at anyone, aside from Mr. Hockley, the past few
months, but this time she just couldn't help herself. James started the horses
at a fast, but safe pace. He did not want to make the ride too rough for Rose.
To Rose, the short trip to the hospital
seemed to last an eternity. Her head was still throbbing, and things were only
getting worse. She had tried to say something when her mother had gotten in the
carriage, but her voice had failed her, leaving her confused and frightened.
She decided she just had to try once more. What she had to say was important.
Rose leaned into her mother just a slightest
bit more. She had a terrible time finding her voice, but she tried her
damnedest. She had to get it out. "I...love...you, Ma-ma." It was so
low and wispy it was barely audible.
Ruth looked at Rose very frightened.
"Rose, don't do this. You're going to be fine."
Rose had no more power to talk, but her doubt
showed in her eyes, making Ruth want to cry. Rose had to be all right. She HAD
to. After all the time it had taken for Rose to get well, Ruth would not accept
even the possibility of losing her. But Rose did look tired...so terribly
tired.
"Don't go to sleep yet, dear. Just hold
out a little longer." Rose tried as hard as she could, but she could hold
her eyes open no longer. She would just rest for a while. Yes, that's it. Just
rest until she got to the hospital. As Rose closed her eyes she saw her father
and Jack once more. Their voices were too shallow to be heard at first, but
then they became clear.
"Rose," her father began, "you
have to stay with your mother. She is going to take care of you now. I promise.
And don't be afraid of the doctors, they will only want to help you."
Patrick faded into the background, and Jack
came forward. "I love you, Rose. Now is your chance to prove to me how
strong you really are. And I know you will."
"I'm not that strong anymore, Jack. I
used enough strength for a lifetime. I don't think I have that much
left..."
"But you do Rose." Jack smiled at
her. "It's not time to be with me yet. You have a long and full life ahead
of you. Now go, Rose, let the doctors take care of you. I love you,
always..." The last sentence faded out into an echo.
When Rose at last opened her eyes, she was
already IN the hospital. The first thing she saw was two doctors in those
horrible white coats. She couldn't help her reflex reaction. She started to
panic. Where was her mother? Rose couldn't see her, and she had promised she
would stay. Where was she?
"Shh, it's all right, Rose. Your mother
is right outside the door, all right?" The doctor's voice was very soft
and comforting. Her panic started to cease a bit. "I promise we'll take
good care of you. Your mother told us you were having terrible headaches,
numbness in your limbs, and difficulty speaking?"
Rose tried to speak, or even nod her head,
but her body would not cooperate with her.
"I see you're trying to tell me.
Sometimes a body can make things so difficult, can't it? If you want to say
yes, just blink once for me, all right?"
Rose did just that, and the doctor gave her a
gentle smile. "Well, we'll need to observe you tonight, but I can tell you
almost certainly what is wrong, just from what your mother said. Shall I ask
her to come back in now?"
Rose blinked. She wanted to be with her
mother again terribly. She never wanted to lose sight of her. Ruth walked into
the room her daughter was in very quickly. She hadn't wanted to leave Rose
alone, but the doctors had insisted on it.
Ruth leaned over her daughter and looked into
her sorrowful eyes. Rose felt as if she were truly dying. Why had both her
father and Jack said she wasn't? She had never felt like this. She wanted to
ask her mother 'why me?' but she couldn't speak. She could barely move, and she
couldn't feel much but the pain. She just closed her eyes and sighed.
At Ruth's insistence, she was allowed to stay
with her daughter all night. Rose slept well, her exhaustion and pain keeping
her dreams away for once. But near midnight, Rose became frightfully still.
Even her breathing slowed. And Ruth grew frightened.
Ruth did not want to leave her side, but she
had to find a doctor. She ran into the corridor and saw one of the doctors that
had tended to Rose earlier. "Dr. Nevens! Please, my daughter, her
breathing is getting slower and she...she's so still." Ruth was trying her
best to not get emotional, and to act professional, but it was rather difficult
when she feared her daughter might be dying.
The doctor went swiftly into the room and
checked Rose over very carefully. "Mrs. DeWitt-Bukater, this is why we
wanted to keep your daughter here tonight. We knew the stroke would come on
full force soon. If she survives this, then we can see if there is any
permanent damage. We won't know for some time."
Ruth's head was in a spin. 'A stroke? She's
only eighteen! IF she survives this? Oh my God.'
"Rose," Ruth cried out. "Can
you hear me, darling? Rose, you have to come back to me. I know you want to be
with Jack, but you can't, Rose. I need you. Please...don't leave me..."
Ruth was sobbing, holding onto Rose's hand.
The doctor knew there was nothing else he
could do, the stroke would run its course no matter what he did. In the event
that the poor girl did not live, her mother deserved to be alone with her now.
As he went out the door, he turned again and spoke.
"It will likely get more and more
difficult for her to breathe. I think the best help through that is you, ma'am.
I wish you and your daughter the best of luck."
Moments later, when Rose began gasping for
breath, Ruth knew this was the worst of it. Somehow she also felt that Rose was
awake, though her eyes were closed. She had to talk her through this. Now.
"Rose listen to me, concentrate on my
voice. You can make it through this, Rose. I know you can. This is the bad
part, okay honey?" Ruth stroked Rose's hand. She had to think of something
to talk about, and fast.
"Do you remember that time when your
father took you to the park? You were about...oh, six years old. And you both
decided to get a little too close to the pond? You came home all soaking wet
and muddy. You were such an energetic child, Rose. I still see that in you,
even now. Oh, and then there was that time when you were seven. It was your
father's and mine anniversary party. You wanted to look so extra special. So
you went into my bedroom when I wasn't looking, and you went through my makeup.
You came out with lipstick everywhere, powder splotches all over your face. I
know I got angry with you then, but it really was funny. Your father couldn't
stop laughing for days. Now, Rose, I know you are grown up now, but I promise I
will let you explore things as you like. You never got to do that enough when
you were small, not with me. And, you do have a birthday in a few weeks, you
know. By then I'm sure we'll be home, and we can do whatever you'd like, all
right?"
Inside Rose's mind, she could hear her mother
talking to her. She was smiling inwardly, and she almost forgot how much
trouble she was having breathing. What she wanted most for her birthday was
just to spend it with her mother. No one else but the two of them. She heard
Ruth start speaking again...
"But I'm sure most of all you'll be glad
to be back in your own room, won't you, dear? It's just as you left it last. I
thought it was the least I could do. And from now on, you can go into your
father's old study as much as you like. I know you always liked going in there.
And there is a surprise waiting for you, too. I can't wait until you see it. I
know you will just love it."
Minute by minute, Ruth was giving Rose more
and more reason to live. She felt the urge to go on, to make Jack proud of her.
And she couldn't wait to see what her mother had planned for her. She had to
fight this...she just had to.
After another few minutes, Rose felt herself
emerging from her haze of pain. Her breathing calmed, and she opened her eyes.
She found she still could not speak yet. But she would. She knew she would. In
that moment, Ruth saw Rose looking at her. Ruth was overwhelmed by emotions of
every kind. Rose was all right. She had made it.
Rose wanted to speak up and tell Ruth that it
was because of her that she made it through, but her voice would not come to
her. In the most awkward way possible, Ruth embraced her daughter. She did not
want to hurt Rose in any way, so she did so very gently.
"Darling, I knew you could do it. I'm so
proud of you. I'd really rather stay the rest of the night. Just sleep, Rose.
You'll feel better tomorrow, you'll see."
Rose didn't want to sleep, now. She scanned
the room, searching. Where was Catherine, and how could she ask her mother to
have her come into the room?
Rose looked up at Ruth wonderingly. Her eyes
wandered through the room again. She hoped that she would understand what Rose
was looking for. Ruth looked confused for a few moments, then she realized.
"Catherine is out in the hall, dear. Shall I go get her?"
Rose had a look of relief on her face and
Ruth understood that it meant a 'yes.' Ruth left without another word, and
returned as quickly as possible with Catherine. Rose wanted to smile at the
look of relief on her face.
"Oh, my little Rose...I was so worried!
I know you can't talk now, it's all right. I helped you relearn it before, I
can do it again if need be." Ruth was now completely confused. What on
earth was Catherine talking about?
"Get some sleep, child," Catherine
said softly. She brushed the hair from Rose's eyes and kissed her forehead.
"We'll be right here waiting for you when you wake up." Rose closed
her eyes and began to drift off to sleep.
Catherine took a seat in a chair across the
small room, while Ruth sat in the chair next to Rose's bed. Rose felt very
comforted knowing that the two women who loved her the most were there with her
in the same room.
After it seemed Rose was really asleep, Ruth
asked her question. "Catherine, a few moments ago you said you had to
teach my daughter how to talk again once before. She told me nothing about
that. What happened to her?"
"Rose, she, uh...she went into an almost
unconscious state. She was very delusional. She said she saw very horrible
things. Well, she hardly ate a thing, she didn't respond to me, she didn't
walk...or talk. When I was finally able to get her out of it, she had nearly
forgotten how to speak. So, I had to re-teach her."
"So that is how she lost all the weight
then, too?"
"That was half of it, yes."
"Half of it? What else could have
happened? She had been through enough already."
Catherine sighed. "Yes, I know. That
second time was very different. I couldn't keep her still very often. I told
you about that. And she didn't eat much, this time because she just didn't care
to. I tried everything. It very rarely worked. I could see how strong she was,
but for as strong as she was, her will to be with Jack was just as strong,
almost stronger at times. Those were the times that she...she tried to hurt
herself," Catherine explained.
"Yes, she told me." Ruth looked at
her in sadness. She had no idea that Rose had been through something THIS
serious. And now to go through this physical challenge, too. She wondered if
Rose would ever be the same person again. Physically or emotionally.
"Thank you for everything you did for
Rose. I will never be able to repay the debt I owe you, but I think I know of
something that would accomplish part of that. Once Rose and I go home, and she
has had time to settle in again, I'd like you to come visit us. Please. It
would mean so much to Rose, I know it would."
"If you wish it, I suppose I could make
travel plans. I haven't traveled in so long. I suppose I could use the little
vacation." Catherine smiled. "Now I think it's just time that we pray
Rose will be all right in the long run. It may be a while until she's back to
her normal self again."
"Yes, I know you are right. I'm sorry to
seem rude, but I would like to sit here alone with Rose for just a few minutes.
I know she's just sleeping, but I have things to think about. Would you
mind?"
"No, of course not. I'll be right
outside the door. When you are finished, I will come back." Catherine
stood and left the room without another word.
Ruth did not speak aloud, but she thought
very deeply in her own mind. She had many amends to make with Rose...and
Patrick. Rose said that he had forgiven her, but how could she know? For the
first time in a long time, Ruth missed him.
"Patrick, I'm so sorry for the way I
treated you, especially when you...when you were dying. I knew both you and
Rose were suffering so much, and I did nothing to help either of you. You would
be so proud of our Rose. And she still loves you so much. I promise you, from
now on I am going to earn the same kind of love she has for you."
"Don't cry, Ruth," she heard a
voice say. She looked up, and she could see Patrick at the far end of the room.
"P-Patrick?"
"Yes, dear, it's me." He smiled at
her sweetly. He had been looking over Ruth just the same as he had Rose.
Patrick walked to where Ruth sat. "You're looking as lovely as ever,
Ruth."
Ruth could not meet his gaze then. "You
always tried to tell me how attractive you thought I was. I never returned your
affections as I should have. I was truly cruel to you at times. How...how can
you still love me, Patrick?"
"There are many sides to you, darling. I
happened to see the bad more than the good. I will always love you, Ruth.
Regardless of what you say or do. Look at me, Ruth." She looked up to meet
his eyes. They sparkled as they had always done before. "Rose is going to
need your help. You can't spend all your time thinking of me, all right? I love
you, I forgive you."
Patrick took Ruth's hand and pulled her up so
she was standing. He kissed her sweetly on the lips. It was the first truly
passionate kiss that they shared since Rose was a very young child.
Patrick pulled away and looked Ruth in the
eyes. "I have to go, now. Take care of Rose." He backed away and
whispered, "I love you," as he slowly faded away.
As Ruth stood there, stunned by what had just
happened, she heard Rose begin to stir in her bed. She turned all of her
attention to her daughter. Rose slowly opened her eyes. She wanted to smile at
seeing her mother there, but her muscles would not cooperate. All she could do
was stare. But Ruth came to her side even without being asked.
"How are you feeling, darling? Any
better?" The pain was gone, but she felt extremely worn out. So overall,
she was feeling better, yes, but this not being able to communicate was going
to drive Rose out of her mind.
"It's all right. I understand, Rose. You're
very tired still. Do sleep some more. You'll feel much better in the
morning." Ruth bent over and kissed Rose's forehead.
With that peace in mind, Rose closed her eyes
and drifted into a dreamless sleep.
The next morning, Rose awoke as the sun shone
into the hospital room. God, how she hated that bright light.
Ruth saw her daughter's eyes flutter open and
walked to her bedside. "How are you feeling today, dear? Any better?"
Rose didn't have the strength to find her
voice, but she was at least able to smile a little bit.
"That's wonderful," Ruth said with
a gleam in her eyes.
After Ruth stepped away from the bed,
Catherine took her turn at saying good morning. "You look much better,
now, dear. We'll see how things go today, how long the doctor says you might
have to stay. Then, when you do get out, you can come back to my house, and
stay there until you're ready to travel, all right?"
Rose wanted to answer yes, but found her
voice would not cooperate. She simply nodded instead. It was Ruth who protested.
"No," Ruth stated. "I don't
mean to seem rude, Catherine, but once Rose is ready to leave the hospital, I'd
like to go home as soon as possible. Rose has already been here so long, and
I--"
"I understand," Catherine spoke up.
"More than you know. Rose should be getting home soon. You'd like that,
Rose, wouldn't you?" The expression on Rose's face told Catherine all she
needed to know. Rose was just so tired and frustrated...she wanted her mother
and she wanted to go home.
*****
Later in the day, after waking up from a
short nap, Rose decided that she could not endure her inability to speak any
longer. She was going to find a way to make her voice work. Today, even if all
she could say was one word. She opened her mouth, willing something, anything,
to come out.
"M...ma...ma." Her voice was hard
and scratchy, and it tickled the back of her throat...but she had to keep
trying. "M...mam...mama." She did not say it very loudly or clearly,
but Ruth still heard it.
Ruth and Catherine looked over Rose with
surprise. They didn't expect her to talk for some time yet.
Ruth bent down and gave Rose a big hug.
"M-ma," she repeated.
"I'm right here, Rose. It's all
right." Rose smiled up at her. She wondered if she could get anything else
to come out.
"Mama, I...I just want...to go
home."
Ruth suddenly looked as if she wanted to cry.
"You will, darling. As soon as we can, I promise."
"But...the money?"
"Don't worry about that, now. Your Uncle
Samuel has been helping me. We're going to be just fine. You always liked your
Uncle Samuel, didn't you, Rose?"
Rose simply smiled, not feeling up to talking
anymore. Catherine saw this, but decided to go ahead with what she had to say.
All Rose had to do was listen. As politely as possible, Catherine asked Ruth to
leave the room. Rose seemed confused.
"I'm sorry, Rose. I know you want your
mother to stay. But now that I know you're going home so soon, there are things
I need to tell you."
"Well, what is it, Catherine?"
Catherine exhaled deeply and began to
explain. "You've often asked me why I took you in without even knowing
you. I gave you reasons, but they were not why, Rose. You see, my
daughter...died when she was in one of those...hospitals." Rose gasped
slightly. She knew exactly what Catherine was telling her, now.
"She...she was so much like you, in so
many ways."
Rose wanted to say something, but she could
not think of the right words. And so, she simply waited for Catherine to go on.
"She even looked quite a bit like
you...I never wanted to put her in that horrible place, but my husband's
brother said it was the only thing we could do. I wasn't as strong of a person
as I am now. I let him tell me what I should do. Rebecca begged me not to let
them take her, but I didn't know how to stop it. I went to see her there, just
once...she refused to speak to me. I could see how badly they were treating
her, and just a few weeks later, the hospital called my brother and told him
she...she was dead. I got the news second-hand. Her own mother..."
After Catherine was able to regain her
composure a little, she continued. "That's why I couldn't bear to put you
there. And I thought that by helping you, I would, in some way...be making it
up to Rebecca. Sometimes I wonder, if at the end, if she ever forgave me. I never
meant for her to end up there." Catherine's last words trailed off, and
she looked down at her feet.
"I...I'm so sorry," Rose said
softly. "I think," Rose was interrupted by her own coughing. "I
think...she understands."
"Thank you, Rose."
"Catherine, if it's all right, I'd
really like to sleep, now. Will I see you later?" Rose asked with a
scratchy voice.
"Of course, darling. You just rest.
Things can only get better from here."
Rose sighed. "Yes, I hope they do.
Please, ask Mama to come back, now."
"I will, Rose." Almost before
Catherine left the room, Rose was sleeping.