ODYSSEY OF THE MIND
Chapter Four
Weeks later, Catherine could see that Rose
was in no way getting any better. She was still going downhill. Although she
hadn't lost all control of her muscles, Catherine knew that she would soon.
Most of the day she would just lay there, staring at nothing in particular.
Catherine tried to talk to her, but Rose did not seem to want to talk too much.
Before turning in for the evening, Catherine
decided to try talking to her once more. "Rose, I know you are in terrible
pain, and there is no way I can truly understand it. But I know you can still
talk, so please tell me what I can possibly do for you. I'm sure it won't help
as much as I would like, but there must be something I can do."
Rose listened to Catherine's words. She could
not think of anything that Catherine could do for her. She felt herself being
withdrawn from herself more and more every day. All she wanted was for
Catherine to not leave her alone. With short, wispy breaths she spoke.
"Just stay with me."
"Of course I will. I always will. What
is it, Rose? You seem like you are terribly uncomfortable. Would you like to
sit up instead?"
"I...I don't know. I just don't feel
quite right." Rose couldn't explain it. She didn't feel sick or anything
of those sorts, but she just didn't feel herself.
"What's the matter, Rose?"
"I don't know. I just need sleep, I
think." Before Catherine could think what else to ask, Rose was sound
asleep.
*****
Over the next few weeks, Catherine watched
Rose decline further and further, frighteningly fast. Rose would spend most of
the day either sleeping or staring blankly at the ceiling. She barely ate,
having no appetite. And what she did eat stayed in her stomach very rarely.
Then, on this particular day, Rose could barely swallow. It seemed that now
even her reflexive muscles would not obey. Rose looked at Catherine with such
sadness it made her want to cry herself. By this time, Rose was not able to
speak, either. She wanted to very much to, but she was just not able to. She
began to lose hope more and more each day.
Rose opened her mouth to try it just once
more, but she had no luck. She wanted to speak to Catherine, but she wasn't
really sure what she wanted to say. She looked back at Catherine, hoping she'd
understand.
"I can tell you are sad, Rose, and
worried about what is happening to you. I give you my word that no matter what
happens you are staying right here with me. I don't really know how to help you
this time, dear, so perhaps I should call in my doctor."
Rose's eyes widened with fear. That was the
last thing she wanted right now. And she knew that the doctor could not help
her anyway. She shook her head 'no' ever so slightly.
"Very well then, dear. I think the only
thing that can help you right now is love."
Rose had a hopeful expression in her eyes for
the first time in weeks, and she wanted to tell Catherine thank you, but again
her voice would not work. Instead she simply sighed, and settled back deeper
into her pillows.
"You do look tired, dear. And it seems
you've eaten as much as you can manage this morning. Shall I stay and sing to
you a while?"
Rose nodded her head, seemingly very pleased.
But Catherine knew things changed moment to moment. She had to be prepared for
anything.
Catherine sat on Rose's bedside and began to
sing a song that her mother used to sing to her when she was feeling sick.
Hearing Catherine's voice made Rose's eyelids droop. She had a very lovely
voice. As Catherine's song trailed off, Rose fell back asleep.
It was usually Catherine's habit to spend
almost every waking moment of her day in Rose's room, but seeing that Rose's
slumber seemed very deep and peaceful, Catherine decided to step out to make a
very important telephone call. Just as she left, she whispered, "I hope I
can make this work out the way you desire, my little Rose. You need more help
than I can give you now."
Catherine walked down the stairs softly. She
went to the stack of papers on the end table to try and find the paper she was
looking for. Rose had given her mother's phone number to Catherine in hopes
that by the time she had gotten well, her mother could have maybe, possibly
changed. Catherine hadn't intended on calling for some time, but Rose needed to
know her mother at least cared for her at a time like this.
At last Catherine found what she was looking
for. As slowly and calmly as she could, she began dialing, while thinking about
exactly what to say. She was sure Rose's mother would be very shocked by the
news she had for her. In that instant, someone picked up on the other end of
the line.
"DeWitt-Bukater residence," a young
female voice answered.
"Hello," Catherine replied.
"Would it be possible for me to speak with Mrs. DeWitt-Bukater?"
"Who, may I ask, is calling?"
"Catherine Tyler. It's very
important."
"Yes, just a moment, please."
The silence as Catherine waited seemed
terrible. She thought for a moment about hanging up. How could she possibly
explain to this woman that her daughter wasn't dead, as she must believe her to
be? It had been months, now.
Just as she thought she was going to hang up,
a woman's voice came on the other end. "Hello, this is Mrs.
DeWitt-Bukater. How can I help you, Miss Tyler?"
"Good morning. I would like to discuss a
matter of your daughter actually." Both women fell silent. Ruth was nearly
in shock. What kind of a joke was this woman trying to pull on her?
"I know you must think me cruel right
now, but please listen. I give you my solemn word that your daughter isn't
dead. Since the...that night we came into New York, she's been here, with
me."
Ruth did not know what to say. It was true
that she did not believe Rose was dead, but...could Rose really be there with
this woman? And why hadn't Rose contacted her herself?
"Th-thank you for taking care of her. Is
she...is she all right?" Ruth stuttered over her words. Catherine was
silent for a few seconds and Ruth began to worry. "What's wrong with my
Rose?"
"I don't know quite how to explain this.
I will just do the best I can. She is just so terribly grief-stricken that she
has withdrawn into herself. So far that I can barely reach her anymore, no
matter what I do. She is quite helpless...it's like taking care of a baby,
really. She misses you, and has been asking for you. Or...she was."
Ruth was silent for a long time. When she
finally found her voice, it was shaky. "I'm sorry. Was?"
"She, well, her muscles seemed to have
lost function. And she...she hasn't been able to speak for quite some time,
now. She wants to see you, despite everything that's happened in the past, she
said. But...not until she's better. She misses you terribly. I felt I owed it
to her to contact you--let you know she's alive at least."
"I thank you for that. I really do. If
she doesn't want to see me until she's well, I will respect that. I know now
that she can't talk to me, but I would like her to hear my voice, to tell her
I'm thinking of her. Would that be possible?"
Catherine sighed very heavily and sadly.
"I...I don't think that is possible. You see, she can't walk either. And
she hardly listens to a thing I say anymore. Sometimes, she just chooses to
block me out. I can't explain it. I really am sorry that I can't..."
"Please, don't apologize. It's all
right. There's nothing you can do about it," Ruth said sadly.
"Mrs. Bukater--"
"Ruth."
"Ruth...this is going to sound
ridiculous, but would you like me to write down something for you and read it to
Rose? I know it sounds silly, but it's the only thing that I see
possible."
"That would be wonderful, thank you.
Please just tell her that I've been thinking about her every day, and as soon
as she says it's all right, I will come to see her. Please tell her that I...I
love her. Very much."
"It would be my pleasure. Is there
anything else that I can do? Anything at all?"
"Just take care of my daughter."
Catherine could hear the uneasiness in Ruth's voice. "And please...contact
me when she is doing better."
"Of course I will, right away. I know
you must be frightened for Rose. I give you my solemn word I am taking care of
her as if she were my own daughter. I love her, too, and I won't let either of
you down."
"Thank you. You've been so truly kind.
I...I don't know what to say."
"You needn't say anything. I think
perhaps that you should get some rest. You sound as if you could use it."
Ruth's complexion had turned terribly pale
and she felt very faint. "Yes, I think you're right."
"Good-bye for now, Ruth. I will get in
touch with you occasionally to let you know how Rose is doing."
"Thank you, again. Good-bye."
As Catherine hung up, she sighed. She had
heard in Ruth's voice that she had wanted to come right now. But her words,
copied onto the small piece of paper, were going to have to do. The question
now was, would Rose even truly hear them? Would she even believe they came from
her mother if she DID hear Catherine?
Catherine decided to wait until Rose awoke on
her own to share her news. She would have to make it very clear to Rose that
what she had to say was important. Otherwise, she might not ever hear. She
headed up the staircase to wait by Rose's bedside like she had so many times
before.
It was nearly two hours before Rose opened
her eyes. Catherine would not have realized she was awake if she weren't
watching closely, because her eyes were not fully open, and she just stared
blankly at the ceiling.
"I'm glad to see you're awake,
dear." Catherine forced cheerfulness into her voice. "I have a
message for you, an important message." Catherine went and stood as close
beside Rose as she could, and looked down on her. "Look me in the eyes,
now, Rose. You must listen to what I have to say."
Rose could sense the urgency in Catherine's
voice. She moved her gaze to meet Catherine's. "That's good, dear. While
you were sleeping, I took the liberty of calling your mother." With just
that said, Rose's eyes shot open and she looked half-terrified, half-anxious.
"She wanted me to give you a message."
Catherine waited a moment, to see what Rose
may do. When all that happened was that Rose's fear seemed to grow, she quickly
began passing along the message. "She said to tell you she's been thinking
about you, every day. She will wait until you are ready to come and see you.
Most of all she wanted me to tell you that she loves you. Very much. I'm hoping
if anything can still get a true reaction from you, this will be it. Please,
Rose, say something, do something to let me know you understand."
Rose opened her mouth to speak, but she knew
that her voice would not come. So the only thing she could do, was lip a simple
'thank you.' Catherine understood perfectly. Rose for once had a look of
contentment on her face, despite of all the physical and emotional challenges
she was facing. But Catherine could also still see the doubt in Rose's
expression.
"You see Rose, everything is going to be
all right."
Rose nodded her head ever so slightly. She
did know things were going to be all right, now. The first thing she had to do
was get herself well, will herself to start moving and talking again. Right
now. But what first?
Rose looked at Catherine questioningly. She
looked down at herself. She wanted to move. "What is it, little one?"
Rose opened her mouth to speak, but nothing
came out. Rose was so frustrated she wanted to scream. But she had no voice!
Her frustration built up enough for her fingers to slowly curl into a loose
fist.
"I can see you're angry at yourself,
dear. It's been a long time since you've spoken, that's all. Just keep trying.
I'll be staying right here. I'll encourage you as much as I can."
Rose still looked very unsure, but she knew
she had to try at least once more. She was so tired of things being the way
they were, tired of feeling trapped inside herself. Taking a deep breath, she
prepared to try again.
She opened her mouth to speak, but what came
out was hardly recognizable as a voice. It was very raspy and hoarse.
"I...I w--" It tickled the back of Rose's throat and she began to
cough violently.
Without a moment's hesitation, Catherine
rushed to get Rose a glass of water. She held the glass up to her lips. After
Rose had taken a few sips, Catherine said, "You what, Rose? Try again,
just once more. You're doing fine."
Talking very slowly to not agitate her
throat, she tried to speak again. "I...want...to--" Rose stopped
again and began to cough. Catherine told her to drink some more water, and
encouraged her to try again. "I...want to...get...better."
"I know you do, little one. I'm going to
be here to help, just like I have been. I'm very proud of what you just did.
That's your first step. Do you think you have enough strength left to your
voice for us to call your mother back? James can carry you down to the phone,
as soon as he gets in. Would you like to talk to her?"
Rose looked at her perplexed. She didn't know
if she was ready to talk to her mother just yet. For two reasons. She wasn't
sure if her mother would still be controlling, and she didn't want her mother
to see, or even hear her when she was in this state. Things would just have to
wait until she was fully better.
Rose shook her head no, and Catherine was
truly confused.
"Why not, Rose? I know you miss her
terribly. I explained to her how sick you've been. She's promised she won't
come here until you say it's all right. So what is it?"
"Not...until...I'm better." She
coughed slightly, but she was able to suppress it this time. She looked into
Catherine's eyes, hoping she would understand.
"All right, dear. I understand. It's
nearly lunchtime, now. Are you hungry, dear?"
"No." Catherine frowned at this.
"Later. Too...tired, now."
"All right. You just lay your pretty
little head down and get some more sleep. You've made a big accomplishment
today. You should be very proud of yourself." Rose smiled as much as her
body permitted, and closed her eyes. Even doing so little that she did do, it
gave her an overwhelming feeling of fatigue.
When Rose awoke, she didn't know how much later,
her room was empty except for herself. She felt panic gnawing at her stomach.
Where had Catherine gone? Remembering her voice, Rose began to call Catherine's
name, louder and louder.
Catherine came rushing into Rose's bedroom.
"What is it, dear? Are you hurt?" Rose was lying there gasping
deeply. She had gotten so worried. Catherine rushed to Rose's bedside and
hugged her. "It's all right, dear. I was just downstairs fixing something
to eat. It's all right."
"I'm sorry...you're just always here,
and I..."
"I understand. Now, I'm almost finished
making our lunch. Would you like to come down to the kitchen today, instead of
staying here, little one?"
Rose was going to say no at first, but then
she thought about it. She was trying to make a recovery as soon as possible, so
she might as well. "Yes...I think...I will."
"Good. I'll get James to help you
down."
Rose found herself feeling self-conscious as
James carried her downstairs, but she was so glad to be somewhere new! But when
she saw what Catherine was making for lunch, she frowned. She had almost
forgotten how little she could eat.
Catherine glanced back just in time to see
this expression, reading it instantly. "Oh, don't look like that, now.
You'll be eating like you should in no time, you'll see. Everything is ready
now, so let's eat, shall we?"
Rose reluctantly agreed. How did Catherine
expect Rose to eat anything solid? She had just barely gotten a few muscles to
work today, but she didn't know how much she would be able to chew...or swallow
for that matter.
In the end, when Catherine held the sandwich
up to Rose's lips, she just shook her head slightly. Catherine tried everything
she could think of to get her to take just one small bite, but nothing worked.
Rose had made such progress today, she couldn't let it be halted now. Catherine
decided to try one more time. She held the sandwich up to Rose's mouth one last
time, and she yet again declined to take a bite.
"Rose, you must eat something, dear.
Just please try it." Rose shook her head again. Catherine sighed. She
didn't know of any other way to make her eat.
"All right, then, if you're that
determined to not even try, there will be no lunch for you today." Rose's
mouth nearly fell open in surprise. "Now, don't look at me like that. I
made you your lunch, you've chosen not to eat it. I can't force you. You can
use the sunlight at least, so you can stay here until I'm finished."
Rose sat there practically pouting. She was
hungry, yes, but she had no desire to chew her food. She sighed in defeat and
tried to reach out for the sandwich Catherine had set on the plate in front of
her. Her arm would not move. 'Oh, wonderful,' Rose thought.
Catherine saw this and decided to try and
help her again. "So you want to eat, now, do you?" Rose nodded her
head.
Catherine picked up the sandwich and held it
to Rose's mouth again. She reluctantly opened her mouth and took a very small
bite out of it. It took much effort to chew, but she was able to do it at
least.
When it came time to swallow, Rose felt a
sudden rush of panic. Pushing it to the back of her mind, she simply did it.
When she looked up at Catherine again, she was smiling.
"You see? I knew you could do it. I
think that from now on you should have meals down here with James and me when
he is here. Would you like that? No one should be cooped up in one room all the
time."
Catherine was right. Rose had been stuck in
that room for far too long. It was a very lovely room, but being in it for so
long made her a bit depressed. It was good to see a little bit more of the
house.
"Now, let's see if you can't get some
more food in that stomach of yours." Rose nodded her head and took another
small bite. When finally she had finished the entire sandwich, she felt a sense
of accomplishment.
"Now, you can stay down here for a while
more before James carries you back upstairs. I wanted to ask you something,
just once more. I know what you said about wanting to wait until you are well
to talk to your mother. She does trust me to take care of you. I heard it in
her voice. She will not come here until you say she can. She promised. So why
not just allow her to hear your voice, tell her for yourself you're getting
better? If I had even a few more seconds to spend with my daughter, in any way,
I would. You and your mother are starting over, and you must start somewhere,
my little Rose."
Rose looked up at her with sorrow. She
couldn't imagine what pain she must have gone through when her daughter died.
Rose looked back down and simply nodded her head. Perhaps Catherine was right.
Her mother should at least be able to talk to her. "I...I think I
should...talk to her."
"I'm proud of you, Rose. You aren't
going to be sorry, I promise you. I'll dial for you. Just wait right here,
dear." Catherine carried the phone from the living room to the kitchen
where Rose still sat. As Catherine dialed, it seemed to Rose that it took
forever. Just as Catherine pressed the receiver to Rose's ear, she realized she
was holding her breath, and slowly released it.
Hello, DeWitt-Bukater residence." It was
a voice that Rose did not recognize. Would her mother have gone that far as to
hire new maids already?
With the strongest voice she could manage,
Rose spoke to the young woman. "Hello. I would like to speak to Mrs. DeWitt-Bukater
if it would be at all possible." Catherine was surprised at how strong
Rose's voice became.
"Yes, of course. One just a moment,
please."
During the ensuing silence, all Rose could do
was scowl. How could her mother have hired someone new, already? It hadn't been
that long ago...Rose was brought out of her thoughts when her mother came to
the phone.
"Hello, this is Mrs.
DeWitt-Bukater."
Rose's breath seemed to be trapped in her
lungs, and for several long seconds, she could not speak at all.
Rose opened her mouth but nothing came out at
first. "I...M-mother?" The voice was soft and timid, but Ruth knew
instantly that it was Rose's. It was now Ruth's turn to be shocked. She hadn't
expected to talk to Rose for quite some time.
"Yes, Rose, it's me," Ruth began
very softly. "Catherine said you were still quite ill. I'm surprised
you've telephoned this soon."
"I just w-wanted you to know I'm
g-getting better."
"Thank you for calling, Rose. You've
made me so happy." Indeed, Ruth sounded as if she were about to cry.
"Your voice is so weak, dear. Does it hurt you to talk?"
"No, but it t-takes a lot of
e-e-energy."
"I'm sure. I can hear you're getting
tired. Perhaps we should hang up now."
"Not yet! There is s-something I have to
ask you."
"What is it, dear?" asked Ruth.
Rose could hear the concern in her voice.
"W...d..." Rose couldn't find the
words to ask her question. "Shh, it's all right Rose. You can ask me
later, all right?"
"Okay, Mother." Rose was relieved,
and yet very disappointed at the same time.
"Now, I think you should go and get some
rest. From what it sounds like, you've had a very stressful day as it is."
Ruth sighed. She hated the fact that she was causing some of that stress. Rose
responded a little 'yes,' a bit of blandness returning in her voice. "It's
going to be all right, dear. You'll see."
"I h-hope so."
There were a few seconds of silence before
Ruth quietly spoke. "I love you." Rose didn't need to ask her
question after all. Rose hesitated before speaking up again, not sure if she
should say what she wanted to, but then decided she may as well give it a try.
"I...I love you, too." Ruth was so
surprised to hear this that it was she who could not find her voice for a
moment. Though it sounded silly to her, when Ruth did manage to speak all she
could say was 'thank you.' She was about to hang up when Rose began saying
something else.
"When I'm better, I w-want to come
h-home. But you have to...p-p-promise me you won't m-make me m-marry...HIM.
P-please."
"Of course. I promise, dear. I'm going
to hang up now. Go get some rest, call me back whenever you like. I'm at home
most of the time." With a few more words exchanged, both Rose and Ruth
hung up their phone lines. Rose could not believe this. It seemed just too
easy! Her mother, so...changed. She wanted to go on talking all day, but was
suddenly more than tired. She actually felt weak, quite faint. And that
frightened Rose. Very much.
Rose looked about the room in a daze.
Everything seemed blurry and she became dizzy.
"Catherine!" Rose called out.
Catherine rushed to Rose's side quickly.
"What is it, dear?"
"I...I think I need to go
upstairs."
Catherine looked at her, concerned.
"What's wrong, honey?"
"I feel dizzy. Please, I need to go
upstairs." Rose was now growing tiredly impatient.
"James!" Catherine called out. He
rushed straight into the room when he heard the tone of Catherine's voice.
"Yes, ma'am, what is it?"
"Take Rose upstairs, please. She's been
down here long enough for today."
"Of course." Without another word,
James lifted Rose into his arms and took her upstairs as quickly as possible.
Catherine followed closely behind and saw that Rose was now growing very pale.
James carried her into her bedroom and laid
her gently on the bed. He looked down at Rose and noticed her pale complexion.
"I do hope you feel better, Rose." He kissed her on the forehead and
quietly left Rose's bedroom. Before Catherine was even able to ask Rose what
had happened, she had fallen asleep.
Rose awoke a couple of hours later, alone in
her room. Usually she would have worried if Catherine was not there, but this
one particular afternoon, she felt like being by herself. Her dreams had not
been haunting by any means, but she just felt...depressed. She felt lonely,
afraid, and she wanted to be home in Philadelphia. Most of all she wanted her
mother. Catherine was wonderful, but every child wants their own mother when
they're hurt or ill...and Rose felt both.
Rose did not allow herself to cry, for fear
Catherine may hear. She was just so tired. Tired of feeling like this. There
always seemed to be something going wrong. From what her mother had said, she
would now know what Rose needed to be comforted. If only she could go home
right now. For the first time in her life, Rose admitted to herself that she
needed, and even missed her mother. In that instant, all she wanted was to call
her mother back. To hear her voice.
But something inside of her told her
"patience." If she called up her mother again right now, she would
become more and more dependent. She needed to get better first. Emotionally,
she felt better than she had in a long time...but physically she was a mess.
She could chew and swallow, barely move her finger to hold the telephone, and
she could just barely speak. That was about the limits of her capabilities.
Rose decided that she felt well enough to start doing more. But what next?
After just a moment's consideration, Rose
decided what she would try to do. It suddenly seemed so dark in her room. Rose
wanted the light on. It was very close by. Reaching it was not a problem. The
challenge would be actually lifting her arm to turn it on. Rose could move her
fingers, yes, but grabbing onto the chain could also present a problem. But she
had to at least try.
Rose willed her arm to lift so she could
reach out to the lamp. It seemed to take all her strength and all her will, but
finally her arm rose above the bed. With what little coordination Rose had, she
reached out in search of the lamp's chain.
After twice getting very close to having the
chain in her grasp, Rose at last managed to grab it. Knowing she could not
hesitate, she pulled down on the chain as hard as she could. Instantly, the
light snapped on. As Rose laid back in an unconditional sweat from the effort
she had put forth, Catherine re-entered the room.
She looked around the room puzzled. She had
never turned on the light...Rose hated the light. Then she looked at Rose; she
looked exhausted.
"Rose, honey, what happened?"
"I...I turned on the...the light."
She motioned over to the small lamp.
Catherine's face lit up almost as much as the
lamp. This was truly a big step. It meant Rose was no longer unwilling to let
the light in...and she was truly wanting to get better.
"That's wonderful, Rose!"
Rose put on a weak smile. It was something,
but it was so small. How was she ever going to do the bigger things again?
The phrase "never let go" echoed
through Rose's head, over and over.