ODYSSEY OF THE MIND
Chapter Five
Weeks later, Rose was sitting on her bed,
pillows propped behind her back. Catherine had made her a sandwich and gave her
the task of eating it by herself. The plate with the sandwich was sitting on
top of Rose's out-stretched legs. Her hand was resting next to the sandwich
that had been cut in two pieces. She was trying to pick up the sandwich, but
her fingers were hardly cooperating. Rose finally decided it was pointless
doing it this way. Maybe if she used both hands?
Rose reached out with her other hand, placing
her thumbs under the sandwich half, and the rest of her fingers on top of it.
She lifted it up to her lips and opened her mouth. She took a small bite and
chewed it hungrily. From that point on, things went much more smoothly. By the
time Catherine came upstairs, Rose had finished her lunch.
Catherine smiled very brightly when she saw
Rose's plate was empty. "You see. I knew you would be able to do it. I'm
very proud of you." Catherine smiled at her.
Rose returned the smile. "I was hungrier
than I thought."
"I'm glad to hear it. You're so thin,
Rose. It makes me worry so much."
Rose looked down at herself. She had indeed
lost a great deal of weight. Some of it she probably could have afforded to
lose...but she was down to being unhealthily thin.
Rose sighed. "I know. I'll try to eat
more. That's all I can promise."
"Of course, dear. Are you feeling
better, now? This morning you looked pale."
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you." Rose
smiled at the older woman. She really did have a heart of gold. Things were
coming along slowly but surely. Rose knew that Catherine would help her to be
back to normal in no time at all.
*****
"Come on, Rose. This may hurt, but it's
something that needs to be done." Rose hadn't used her leg muscles in so
long by now. Catherine had told her to try and bend her legs over the side of
her bed...easier said than done. Every time Rose tried to bend her knee in the
slightest amount, it gave her extreme pain.
Taking things very slowly, Rose was at last
in a proper sitting position. Of course, things hurt very badly, as usual. So
by way of giving comfort, Catherine held very tightly to Rose's hand.
"You don't have to stay like this very
long, Rose. Just a few minutes, for now. All right?"
Rose nodded her head quickly. She knew this
was for the better, and she definitely wanted to be able to walk again, but it
just hurt so much. Rose just kept on repeating 'it's worth it' over and over in
her head.
After what seemed like hours, Catherine told
Rose she could straighten out her legs again. Rose did so very slowly. The pain
eased up slightly, then when at last Rose's legs were on the bed, the pain was
almost completely gone. The muscles had been stretched enough to where they
would probably hurt for a few days, now.
Only after she was at rest did Rose realize
how she was sweating. She sighed, suddenly very tired. But she was so weary of
sleeping so much. For this reason, she forced herself to keep her eyes open,
knowing that if she let them close, she would be instantly asleep.
Catherine could see Rose's exhaustion in her
eyes, and sensed she needed encouragement. "Rose, this is the hardest
part; getting your muscles used to this all again. It will get easier each
time, now. And soon, you'll be walking."
For the first time that day, Rose smiled.
"After that, I can go home, can't I?"
Catherine smiled at her sadly. "Yes,
dear. Then you'll be well enough to travel."
"I hope so," she said tiredly.
"I know I shouldn't rush things, but I just get so frustrated at times. I
just want to go home with my mother...have the relationship with her that I
never had." Rose sighed and Catherine looked at her oddly. There was
something in Rose's eyes that just said 'leave it for another time.' So
Catherine did not ask her what she had meant.
"I'm not certain I should say this,
but...when you leave I'm...I'm going to miss you very much. I've gotten so used
to having you here. And I love you like you were my own daughter."
Rose didn't know what to say. She could tell
that Catherine had formed a very close bond with her, but as if she were her
own daughter?
"I...I love you too, Catherine. And I'll
come visit. I promise." Catherine smiled at her. She could think of
nothing that she'd like more.
"Now, it's getting near dinner time. Are
you hungry at all?"
"Yes, for once. All my exertion must
have awakened my appetite."
"Well, I'm glad to hear it. Would you
like to come downstairs?"
"No, not today. I'd like to be alone,
please."
"Is something wrong, Rose?"
Catherine's voice held concern.
Rose answered 'no' too quickly, but Catherine
decided not to pursue it for now. "All right, I'll go make you
something."
As Catherine was about to head down the
stairs, she heard Rose begin to cry. She was about to return to Rose's side and
ask her why, when she heard her whisper a single word, which answered her
question. Rose spoke softly into her pillow. As Catherine left, she knew that
Rose was whispering something about her mother.
Rose realized now how much she really did
miss her mother. It was almost ironic. Her mother was, in a way, a cause of her
current situation. A few months ago, she wanted nothing but to get away from
her...now all she wanted was to be with her.
When Catherine returned with Rose's dinner,
she was still weeping.
"Rose, I...I heard what you were saying
earlier, accidentally. If you are missing her that much, perhaps we should call
your mother again before you eat. I know you wanted to wait, but I think it
would be a great comfort to you. For your own sake, please say yes."
"All right," Rose spoke through her
tears. "I guess that would be okay." Rose just looked down at her
hands, suddenly feeling embarrassed.
"James, can you come in here,
please?" Catherine called out. James came walking into Rose's bedroom
carrying a glass of milk.
"What is it, ma'am? Does Rose wish to go
downstairs?"
"Yes, would you?"
"Of course, ma'am." James put his
glass of milk down and scooped Rose up into his arms. She said nothing as he
took her down. Once she was seated in the chair and James had left the room, Catherine
picked up the phone and began to dial.
"No, Catherine, I'd like to do it
myself."
Catherine smiled, pleasantly surprised.
"Well, all right, then. Just take your time. You've not tried this yet, it
may take patience."
"I know. All right." Indeed, it
took a good several minutes for Rose to finish dialing.
Rose had an odd, almost unreadable expression
on her face when Ruth, herself, said hello. She also could not find her voice
for a moment.
Rose opened her mouth and finally,
"Mama?" came out.
"Oh, Rose, darling, it's so wonderful to
hear your voice again! How are you doing, honey?"
"Better. I miss you, Mama." Ruth
could now detect the sadness in Rose's voice.
"I miss you too, dear. And as soon as
you are well, I'll come up there and then you can come home, all right?"
"Okay. And I am getting better, now.
Catherine says I should be all better in another couple months."
"That's wonderful, I'm so proud of you.
I can hear how much you want to come home. I want nothing more than to have you
here with me. If it would comfort you, you can call me every day. I would be so
happy if you did. It's lonely here without you."
"I'm sorry. When I come can we...go to
the cemetery and visit Daddy?"
Ruth paused before answering. She certainly
hadn't been prepared for this question.
"If you want to, I suppose you can,
yes." Rose noticed that she had used 'you' instead of 'we,' but she did
not want to make this an unpleasant occasion, so she did not mention it.
"How have you been doing, Mama?"
Ruth thought it sweet of Rose to be concerned
over her health when she was in such a bad condition herself.
"I'm doing fine, dear. Just fine. My
health has seemed to hold up rather well through the winter thus far. I only
hope the rest of winter isn't too bad."
"So do I, Mama. But you don't just stay
there by yourself all the time, do you? You always liked parties and things so
much."
"Yes, I did. But now I prefer being here
at home most of the time. I feel closer to you here. People come to visit. I'm
happy with that," Ruth explained.
"You enjoy being there even with so many
of Daddy's things still there?"
Ruth was puzzled, and at last had to ask why
Rose was talking like this. "Rose, what is all this about your father? Why
bring him up, now?"
"Never mind," Rose mumbled. Ruth
thought it so strange. Rose had never talked about Patrick after he had died.
Come to think of it, Rose didn't talk about really anything after he had died.
Maybe Ruth should have paid more attention.
"Rose, you're starting to worry
me."
"I'm fine, Mama. Really."
"If you're sure." Ruth's voice
still contained much concern, but she trusted Rose's word.
"Yes, Mama, I'm sure. I'll explain the
reason for my questions another day, I promise. I am fine. I've just been
thinking a lot, and I miss him so much. That is only part of it, the missing
him."
"Well, what is the rest of it,
Rose?"
"Another day," she repeated.
"All right. If you say so." Ruth
was disappointed, but she understood. Whatever it was she knew Rose would tell
her in time.
"Mama? God forgive me for asking...but
whatever happened to Cal? Did he...leave?"
Ruth became silent for a short while before
she spoke. "Yes, he went back to Pittsburgh a while back."
"Sorry," Rose muttered softly.
"Don't be."
"But Mama...the house. How will you be
able to keep it until I get there?"
"I will find a way, Rose. Please, don't
worry about that. You just keep getting better. That's all I really want."
Rose smiled. "Yes, I know. I should hang
up now. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I...I love you, Mama."
"I love you, too, darling.
Good-bye."
"Bye." Rose heard the click on the
other line, then she, too, hung up.
"Everything all right, dear?"
Catherine asked.
Rose turned to face Catherine and smiled.
"Yes, everything is all right."
"That's good to hear. Since you're
already down here, would you like to eat down here?"
"That would be easiest. I am rather
hungry after all."
Catherine smiled. "Good."
*****
"Catherine?" Rose spoke softly.
"Yes, dear?"
"I think I'd like to try and walk again,
today." Any attempts that Rose had made trying to walk, or just stand for
that matter, had failed her miserably in the past. She felt that she might be
able to do it today.
"All right, dear. If you wish. Remember
what I've told you before. Take it slow, don't rush yourself."
"I remember." With nervousness
beginning to gnaw at her stomach, Rose put her feet over the edge of the bed
and placed them firmly on the floor. Pushing herself up slowly, she stood,
barely able to support her weight.
"Try walking towards me, dear."
Catherine was only about six feet from Rose, but it seemed an awful lot farther
than that.
"All right." Taking extremely small
steps, Rose began to walk towards the woman who had been so kind to her. Inch
by inch, Rose made her way across the floor. She did not look down to see her
feet moving. She kept her eyes riveted on Catherine's face. Just a few steps
short of her, Rose felt her strength give out from under her.
Rose had been expecting it to happen, so it
did not shock her much. But the fact that she was hurtling for the floor DID
shock her. Catherine put out her arms as fast as humanly possible to catch
Rose. And it was a good thing that she did. The last thing that Rose needed was
to break something and be stuck in bed again.
Catherine's voice was incredibly calm.
"Well, it looks like you've done about all you can handle today, my little
Rose. Just lean on me, and we'll get you back into bed. Tomorrow you can try
that again. Your endurance will increase, you'll see."
Rose said nothing as she went slowly back to
her bed and settled in. Catherine sounded worried when she asked, "Is
there something on your mind, dear?"
"Yes. Events of the past."
"Oh, I see," Catherine stated
sadly. "Would you care to talk about it?"
"No," Rose said calmly. "Not
just yet."
"That's understandable. You seem tired,
little one. Would you like to take a nap, now?"
"No, not yet. All I seem to do is sleep.
I'd rather talk to you a while, if you wouldn't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't. What is it that
is on your mind, dear?"
"I just want you to know that I'm so
glad you brought me here to live with you. Without your help, I don't know
where I would be now."
Catherine sat on the bed next to Rose. She
took Rose's hand in her own. "God sends each of us here with a mission,
Rose. I believe my mission is to help you through this. It's been such a
pleasure having you here."
"But...I've been such trouble, made so
much work for you. How could all of the things I've put you through possibly
have been a pleasure?"
"Oh, Rose, you look so much at the bad
side of things. Have you ever really helped someone? The feeling of
accomplishment that you have is like nothing else ever felt." Catherine
thought for another moment. "Caring for someone you love is always
rewarding."
Rose looked directly at Catherine, her eyes
very serene. "You keep telling me you love me, and I know you must. I do
still wonder why at times. I was a complete stranger to you before all of this,
and here you are saying you love me. When, at the time, my own..." Rose
looked away as she felt tears forming in her eyes.
"So it is your mother that you think of,
am I right?" Rose simply nodded her head. "I take it you two have had
your share of differences, then?"
"You could say that, yes." Rose
lifted her head and met Catherine's gaze again. "Sometimes I wonder if she
really has changed." Rose began to cry once again. Unsure of why she was
even crying.
Catherine simply held Rose until her tears
ceased. When Rose lifted her head again, Catherine asked, "What did she do
that made you want to stay away from her?"
"To go into details would take far too
much time, but she wanted me to marry someone I did not love, just for the sake
of what SHE could gain from it. I don't think she ever loved me back then. She
thought only of herself."
Thinking very carefully about what she was
about to say, Catherine started to speak. "Rose, dear..." she paused.
"A mother always loves her child. No matter what the circumstances. Now, I
do not really know what went on with you and your mother, but I'm sure that she
at least thought that you, too, would gain something from this...arranged
marriage."
"Perhaps. She probably believed he loved
me, because she had to believe that. But it was as plain as the light of day
that I was unhappy, and yet she insisted. I cannot understand that. I've tried.
And yet...I still don't understand. And even after everything she put me
through, I've missed her. How can that be?"
"Sometimes we love, even against our
will. You will always love your mother, the same way she will always love you.
No matter what either of you does, that emotion will always remain. If you
search deep within your soul, you will see that it is the hope that keeps that
love alive. There is a special bond between a mother and her daughter. Many
times it's not even noticeable. But it IS there, dear. You have to have faith
in her."
"That is something I need to find again.
When my father was alive, I still held onto the hope that she would become the
kind of mother I needed. But after he died, she was only cruel to me, in so
many ways. I still miss him so much. And it has been so long since I talked
about him. Sometimes I think I'm the only person in the world who remembers
him..." Rose became silent.
Catherine paused for a while. Rose had really
been through something terrible. But it wasn't just Titanic...it was life.
"People grieve in different ways sometimes, Rose. Some people, a lot of
people, refuse to think or talk about those who they have lost. They think that
if they don't think about it, the pain won't be there. Perhaps that is what
your mother has done."
"No, Catherine. She has told me many
times she never loved him. She wasn't just saying that. I saw it in her eyes.
She tried to make me forget him...how hard she tried. But I won't. Not
ever." Rose was now trying her best not to cry.
"And you shouldn't. No child should ever
forget its father...or mother for that matter. Everyone has that ability to
change. If your mother truly wants to, she CAN be a different person."
"I...I think you're right. I was
supposed to go with her, but I...I stayed on the ship instead. She sounded
afraid when I walked away and let her leave alone. I'm not sorry for my choice,
but I'm sorry it frightened her. But I...I had to go back. He needed me."
"Who needed you, dear?" Catherine
was genuinely confused this time. She had heard Rose mumble the name
"Jack" a few times before. Was that who she was referring to?
"Jack did. My fiancé had made it look
like Jack had stolen from him, and just on his word they put Jack in handcuffs
and took him away. I didn't know exactly where he was after that, but I had to
find him. I couldn't just leave him there to drown. And no one else seemed to
care if he lived or died. Maybe if he had had money they would have..."
Rose was talking very fast for her, it was
almost as if she didn't have enough time to speak. "Slow down, Rose. I can
sense the sadness in your voice. You don't have to continue if you don't want
to." Catherine looked into Rose's eyes for an answer. She saw that her
eyes were misted over.
"I do want to. It won't be easy, but I
think you deserve to understand what made me end up like this. And I need to
say it. I know none of this will ever go beyond this room. I trust you. That is
the reason I started telling you this at all."
"Very well then, dear. Why don't you
start from the beginning? I know that you boarded the ship with your mother and
your fiancé, and that is about the extent of what you have told me." Rose
nodded and took a deep breath. She knew she needed to tell her story. It was
going to be a long day.