ODYSSEY OF THE MIND
Chapter Six
"I must admit, that day we boarded, that
ship was the last place I wanted to be. I would have stayed on in England,
anywhere. I was just so tired, of everything. But of course I knew that
eventually we would have to go home, to Philadelphia. In his usual need to show
off how much money he had, my fiancé had booked us passage on Titanic. I
thought it was going to be the longest week of my entire life. It had taken our
two maids nearly a week to pack all the things we brought with us. Looking back
on that, it disgusts me. All of those THINGS we had. For what? The first two
days were rather uneventful, for me anyway. It was always the same people, the
same mindless chatter--I had to get away. I excused myself from dinner that
evening, and before I knew what was happening, I was standing over the railing
of the stern. What an irony to be trying to jump OFF of the ship that was going
to sink in a few days anyway. And as I was standing there on the railing,
trying to make myself let go of it, Jack approached me. At first he just
annoyed me, but then...he took off his boots and prepared to jump in after me.
And that was when I knew he really cared. He took my hand in his, and told me
to step over the railing. While I was doing just that, I slipped on the beaded
train of my dress. Jack caught me with just one hand. He pulled me back over,
and the way we landed was in a rather...compromising position. Three officers
approached us, hearing my screams for help. When they saw Jack hovered over me
in his third class attire, my nice dress ripped, and me panting from pure
shock, they assumed something else had been taking place. And so, one of the
officers was ready to put Jack in handcuffs and take him away. But I said I had
just slipped and almost fallen, but Jack had saved me. Away went the handcuffs.
My fiancé was just going to give Jack money for his trouble, but I protested.
And so, Jack was invited to dine, with me, the next evening. That evening after
I had bathed and changed into my nightclothes, my fiancé decided so surprise me
with his engagement gift. Though it was just yet another way to show off all
his money...only using me. It was a fifty-six karat blue diamond
necklace." Rose said it very plainly. Catherine was in shock.
"Yes, a diamond that size would surprise
anyone. I thought it was hideous at first. Now I think it is the most beautiful
jewel on earth. When I came here, I had a gentleman's coat on. You didn't get
rid of it, did you?"
"Oh, no, dear. It's hanging right in
your closet here. Shall I get it for you?"
"Yes, please, if you wouldn't
mind." Catherine nodded and walked to the closet. She pulled out the coat
that Rose was referring to and handed it to her. Rose reached into the
left-hand pocket and pulled the necklace out. They both stared at the necklace,
Catherine in awe, Rose in remembrance.
Catherine did not want to break the silence,
but it went on so long that she began to think that Rose would not continue her
story without prompting. She asked quietly, "If it is your fiancé that
gave you that, Rose, why does it mean so much to you?"
Rose sighed. "I'll get to that in a bit.
Anyway, the day after that, I sought out Jack. We had the most wonderful
day." Rose smiled. "We spent the whole afternoon walking up on deck,
just talking. He told me about all his experiences growing up, how he traveled
to Europe, and he showed me all of his sketches. He was the most divine sketch
artist. He captured so much soul and emotion in each portrait he did. Then as
sunset neared, we were standing at the railing as he tried to teach me, of all
things, how to spit. I know it sounds ridiculous, but we were having such a
marvelous time. Until Mother saw us there. The spell was broken, of course, and
I had to go get ready for dinner. As all three of us headed towards dinner, I
straggled behind, absorbed in self-thought. Jack really was a kind gentleman.
He really seemed to care when I talked to him. As I started to descend the
stairs, I saw Jack standing at the bottom, waiting for me. He looked so
charming, wearing a brand new tuxedo, and his hair slicked back. He took my
hand and kissed the back of it. Of course, that wasn't uncommon in my
experience, but this time did FEEL different. It made me tingle all over. Then
he took my arm, and we walked into the dining room. Usually, dinners like this
seemed to drag on forever, but I knew that night would not be like that. To me,
it did not seem to last long enough. At one point, my mother wanted to make
Jack look bad, so she asked how the third class accommodations were on the
ship. But Jack shot right back with a smile, and said there were no rats. When
Jack told my mother that he lived wherever God took him, she made a comment
about that, too. Jack again turned the situation in his favor, making a
beautiful speech about making each day count. Then everyone was toasting what
Jack had said. I couldn't completely contain my smile, seeing how displeased
Mother was. Dinner eventually came to an end, but Jack had other plans. As he
kissed my hand again, saying good night, he slipped a small piece of paper in
my hand. 'Make it count. Meet me at the clock,' is what the note had said. I
couldn't imagine what he had in mind. But there was one way to find out. As the
clock chimed nine, I walked up the stairs to find Jack waiting for me. 'So you
wanna go to a real party?' is what he asked me. Again I didn't know what he was
talking about, but I went along with it anyway. Never was I so happy I agreed
to anything. We went several decks below, to the loudest party I have ever been
to. It was so wonderful. For a while I just sat watching everyone else dance.
Jack's partner was a little girl who seemed to adore him. No one looked at me
strangely because of the way I was dressed, or anything. They just accepted me,
because they could see I was with Jack. All of a sudden, he came over and asked
me to dance with him. I was so nervous. I didn't know any of the dances the
band was playing. It was all upbeat Irish music. But I'm glad that I eventually
agreed. We had so much fun. He led us both up to a platform where he showed off
some fancy footsteps. I looked at him with a gleam in my eyes, kicked off my
shoes, and did almost the same exact thing he did. You should have seen the
look on his face." Rose couldn't help but giggle this time.
"After we finished dancing, I went over
to a table nearby and picked up a glass of beer. Almost without breathing, I
drank most of what was in the glass. Jack had been surprised at my dancing, but
now his mouth was nearly hanging open with surprise. I asked him if he thought
just because I was first class, I couldn't drink like anyone else. Just as we
turned to speak to some of his friends, someone spilled beer all over me. You
would think that I had broken my leg by the tone in his voice when he asked me
if I was all right. I just laughed and assured him I was fine. At the table
next to us, two men had just finished arm wrestling. I took a cigarette from
one man's mouth and took a long drag. I asked them if they thought they were
'big tough men,' then told them to see if they could do what I was about to do.
I asked Jack to hold up my dress, as I stood on the very tips of my toes. It
had been so long since I had done that, and yet it felt good, too. I felt so at
home there, so ALIVE."
Rose's tone of voice turned to a
more...melancholic one as she continued. "The next morning, I was having
breakfast with my fiancé. He had his manservant look in on me the evening
before, and he knew where I had been. I told him he couldn't command me like a
foreman in one of his mills. He got extremely angry and sent the table flying
across the room! I could tell it was taking most his strength not to hit me. He
made it quite clear that I was to obey him...always. Seeing him like that always
frightened me so, and I could never hide it completely. He was always so
careful to hide that side of himself from Mother. My maid saw it often, just
like she did that day. Later, I had to face my mother's opinion on where I had
been the night before. My maid was lacing my corset, when my mother came in and
sent her away. She told me I was not to see Jack again. She reminded me of why
I needed to marry Cal...our money had run out and we needed the financial
support. It felt like my world collapsed around me...again. Still, later, as I
was walking on the deck, Jack surprised me, pulling me inside the gymnasium
where we could talk in private. He told me he thought I was the most amazing
person he ever met, and I saw the love in his eyes, even though he didn't say
the words. I'd been looking for someone who could love me for ME, and yet, as
he stood there in front of me, I was afraid. I loved him, I knew that, but
there were so many things to consider...after everything that he said, that
beautiful speech he made to me, I told him that I was going back and to leave
me alone. I can only imagine what horrible feeling he must have had at that
moment."
Rose paused for a few seconds before
continuing. "Later that afternoon, I was having tea with my mother and her
friends. They were discussing my wedding plans. Of all things, that was what
they had to be talking about. I'd heard that same conversation SO many times. I
barely heard the words anymore. I excused myself and went looking for Jack. I
found friends of his first, instead. They told me where he was, and I went
straight there...to the boat deck. Oh Catherine, the colors were so brilliant.
You were there, you must have seen that sunset. As I approached him at the bow,
I suddenly felt weak. Not physically, but emotionally weak. I called his name
and told him that I had changed my mind, in the softest tone of voice that I
had. He gave me the silliest grin. He extended his hand towards me and he told
me to give him my hand. I hesitated for a moment, but not that long. Then, he
told me to close my eyes and step up onto the railing. He even told me not to
peek, the way people tell it to a child. Normally, I would have been annoyed,
but the way he said it, I just laughed and did as he asked. He took my arms and
extended them out straight. The wind was cool, but I didn't care as long as I
was with Jack. He told me to open my eyes. What I saw was so beautiful. From
where I was, I only saw water below me. The colors in the sky were
so...magical. I exclaimed exactly what I felt like--I was flying. Jack started
to sing softly into my ear. I smiled so widely, drinking in every word. I'm
sure you know by now what song it must have been." Rose went on without
waiting for Catherine to respond.
"Almost before I realized it, I had
turned just enough to look into Jack's eyes. Everything else was so perfect,
and in that moment I knew what I wanted to do. I felt like I had to,
somehow."
If it were anyone she was telling her story
to, Rose may have felt uncomfortable. But she trusted Catherine. She knew she
could tell her. "I tilted my head just a slight bit more, and it was there
that Jack leaned in, and our lips met." Rose blushed slightly. It was not
in her upbringing to talk about such physical contact with others.
"I'd never felt so wonderful. I never
wanted that moment to end. I just tried my best to memorize everything...the
way his touch felt, how I felt inside. Because I knew I still had to go back to
my fiancé. Which was the last thing on earth I wanted."
Rose debated whether to tell Catherine the
next part. After a short conversation with herself, she decided to go for it.
"I asked Jack to accompany me back to my cabin, and he, of course, said
yes. On the way there, I told him that I wanted him to do me a favor. When we got
to the suite, I walked into the wardrobe and pulled out the necklace. Jack was
completely stunned when I told him it was a diamond...so he wasn't really
paying much attention when I told him that I wanted him to draw me like one of
his girls in Paris...wearing the necklace. He gave me a simple 'okay,' not
realizing what I meant."
Catherine, too, looked dumbfounded. Rose
swallowed the lump in her throat and continued. "I repeated myself saying
'wearing only this.' He just looked at me straight in the eyes and nodded his
head slightly.
"I went into my bedroom to ready myself.
I was so nervous! I wondered what had possessed me to want to do such a thing.
But it was just art, right? I put on a silk kimono and walked into the sitting
room where Jack was sitting, sharpening his pencils. He looked at me with such
passion in his eyes. But I could see his nervousness, too. I parted my kimono
and let it slip to the floor. Both he and I stiffened, feeling VERY
self-conscious about the whole situation. I lay down on the couch trying to
find a suitable position. He told me to move my arms a certain way, and to keep
my eyes on him. He was very professional all throughout." Rose had a far
away look in her eyes as she remembered.
"When he was finished, he looked away as
I stood and put my kimono back on. I came up behind him and looked at the
drawing. He seemed to capture my soul on paper. It was so amazing. I told him
to date it--I wanted to remember that night forever. I guess I really didn't
need a piece of paper to make a lasting impression of that night, huh?"
Rose sighed almost as a natural reaction.
"When I had redressed, we heard a knock
on the door. It was my fiancé’s manservant. Jack and I ran to my bedroom,
taking the exit that way. But he followed us. When we saw him, we ran. We took
the elevator down to E-deck and kept running--he had followed us. We ran, but
there was no where left to go except for the boiler room, so in we went. We
eventually ended up in the cargo hold." Rose stopped realizing what point
she was at. Should she tell Catherine? COULD she tell her? Catherine sensed
Rose's hesitation.
"Rose, you don't have to tell me if you
don't want to..."
Rose looked into her eyes, deciding that she
WOULD tell her. She took a deep breath and continued. "There was a shiny
new Renault there. Without going into any details, we both ended up in the back
seat of the car."
Rose thought for a short while on how to put
the next part. "We made love, Catherine. But for some reason, I didn't feel
shame in doing so. It just felt...right. Like it was supposed to happen."
Rose looked into Catherine's eyes, expecting her to scold her for her
unladylike behavior. But that is not what she got. Catherine's eyes were filled
with care and sympathy. She really did understand what she and Jack had.
"Later, we were up on deck, in the cold
night air. I made a promise to Jack that I was getting off with him. He told me
that it was crazy, and I told him that was the reason that I trusted it."
Rose frowned when she thought about the next part. "Then came the
iceberg."
Rose stopped speaking a moment, thinking.
What came next she knew she didn't want to say. She COULDN'T say it. Besides,
Catherine knew what had happened...she was there, too.
Tears sprang to Rose's eyes as she thought
about just what she should say next.
"It's all right, Rose. I understand. You
needn't tear yourself up with the rest." There was such sympathy in both
her eyes and voice. Rose knew she didn't need to tell what happened from there,
but what happened in the water...
"I don't need to tell you most of it,
no. Except the very end, to explain how I ended up coming back here,
alone." Catherine just nodded, waiting patiently for Rose to continue.
Before she did, she took a deep breath.
"After the ship disappeared beneath the
water, the first thing I had to do was find Jack. We had been holding hands,
but the terrible suction pulled us apart. We were only separated a few minutes,
but it seemed like an eternity. Finally I saw him, and he told me to swim. We
ended up beside a piece of wreckage floating nearby. I had hopes it would be
large enough for both of us, but...it wasn't..." By now, Rose was fighting
back her tears with everything she had.
"He...told me to get on it. But when he
tried to get on, it...it started to tip over. So he let just me lay on
it." Rose thought for a moment, sniffing, trying to hold back her tears.
"He told me that the boats were going to
come back, to just hold on a little bit longer. A little bit longer came, and
the cries of the people in the water had started to...to stop. I mentioned it,
and he again told me to just hold out a little longer. I felt so cold and
lifeless. I didn't think that I could live for another five minutes. I...I told
him that I love him, thinking that I was going to die soon. He...he started to
tell me that I had to survive and go on. He told me to...to promise him I would
live. I told him I did promise. Of course, then I still thought..." Rose
pushed that thought away and began again.
"In the end, I don't even have a clue
how long we waited out there. I felt myself about to give up, so I laid there
looking at the stars and started singing, the same song Jack had sung to me on
the bow of the ship. It was then that I heard the officer in the lifeboat
calling out. His voice was distant and distorted, but then I saw the light he
was carrying. I never was so happy to see anything in my life. I called Jack's
name and...and shook his hand." Rose's attempts to hold back her tears had
now failed her. But she wanted to finish her story. She HAD to finish it.
"No matter how many times I called his
name or how...how hard I shook his hand, he...he wouldn't wake up." Rose
started sobbing. It was almost out of her control.
Through sheer force of will, Rose brought her
sobs under control long enough to conclude her tale. "I knew he was never
going to open his eyes again, nothing. I had to let him go. I whispered my
promise to him once more, hoping somehow, wherever he was, he heard me. Then I
kissed his hand, and prepared to let him go. But...his hand was frozen to mine.
I had to pry it loose. As I watched him sink beneath the water, I felt the most
desperate sadness I ever had in my life. In that moment, I didn't care about my
promise. All I wanted was to be with him, forever. I laid my head down, wanting
to just stay there, and die, too. But then...I thought how ashamed of me Jack
would be...and I HAD given him my word. I didn't know how, but I had to find a
way to go on without him. I thought I would know how...there was an officer
floating near by, a whistle frozen in his lips. I swam off of the wreckage and
pried the whistle from his lips. I blew and blew until the boat was right next
to me. All I remember was getting into the boat. The rest is all just a
blur."
As soon as Rose reached the end of her words,
her tears began anew. Catherine sat there in shock a moment, then her motherly
instinct took over. She pulled Rose close to her, holding her as tightly as she
could.
"Shh, it's all right, little one. Jack
wanted you to go on, and so you shall. He wouldn't want you crying all the time
now would he?" Rose thought about what Catherine said, and sobered up a
bit. She wiped away the tear tracks on her face.
"No, you're right. I have to be
strong...for Jack."