STARTING ANEW
Chapter Thirty-One

Jack walked slowly away from the house. His head was down and his mind was lost in thoughts of the happy childhood that he had spent here. As he climbed the hill to where his parents were buried, he wondered how things would look, When he had left, there had not even been a stone to mark the place.

"I wonder if there is anything there. Maybe I should take care of that while I am here."

As he reached the top of the hill, his breathing became ragged and his eyes misty. He had dreaded this day for five years. Now he was here and he had to confront his past. He looked in the direction of where the burial plot was, and saw that there was indeed a granite marker. Someone had seen to that. But there was more. The whole site was surrounded by a tiny white picket fence. There were no weeds anywhere and purple and white wildflowers grew in perfusion inside the small enclosure. He opened the gate and went in. He glanced out to the west where the Chippewa River flowed. Everywhere he looked there were peaceful farms. The fields were black with the rich glacial soil of Wisconsin. This morning the sky was an azure blue with only a few clouds to mar the perfection.

Jack turned and knelt down next to the marker. The stone was warm from the morning sun. "Here lies Edy and Hank Dawson, died tragically, resting peacefully. Devoted husband, wife and parents." Under each of their names were the dates of their lives. Edy, October 3, 1868-August 4, 1907 and Hank, February 12, 1866-August 4, 1907. It was the words that made it real. He knew they were gone, he had never denied it, but seeing the carved stone letters, made him feel as if there was a steel blade in his heart.

Jack put his head down against the marker. He closed his eyes and tried to remember what his parents had looked like in those happy days of his childhood. But all he could see was the smoke from the fire. He opened them and looked around him. In the prairie grass by the corner of the fence, there was another small marker.

"What's this?" Jack said to himself puzzled.

He reached over and moved the grass to the side so he could read the words. "Sport, family friend, 1900-1907." It was too much for him. Someone had even remembered his dog that died that night.

Jack took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. His mouth was tightly closed. He was trying so hard to control his emotions. But why?

"No one is here to see me," he remembered.

Jack leaned closer to the marker again and put his arms around it, as if to hug his parents. Slowly his body became racked with sobs. He was so sorry that he had not been there to save them. He never even got to say good bye. He had left for his friend's house that day, just casually yelling goodbye as the screen door banged shut behind him. Just taking everything for granted. That they would be there the next morning, as they always had been.

For a long time, Jack sat there, rocking back and forth, his body shaking as he cried. Even on the day of the funeral, he had not been able to release his emotions as he was doing now. He had been a kid then and he had felt it was important to act like a man. Today it no longer mattered. He just knew that he was filled with the built up emotions of the last five years. It all had to come out, if he were ever going to put this behind him.

He wept until there were no more tears. Jack pulled out his handkerchief and wiped his face. He was glad he had come alone. It would never do for Rose to see him like this.

Before he left here, he had some unfinished business. Jack stood up. He was stiff from sitting on the ground for so long. He looked down at the grave. There were a few things he wanted to tell his parents. Some how, he knew they would hear him.

"Mother, Dad, it's me, Jack. I've come home for a visit. I stayed away from here, because I wanted to forget what happened. Not to forget you, but the fire, and all the sadness. I've been all around the world. I've been working on my drawing, just like you wanted, Mom. But now I have to settle down. I've got my wife with me. You would like her, I know. She is beautiful, inside and out. Her name is Rose. We were on the Titanic. It was a close call. We both nearly died."

Jack reached down and touched the indented letters of his parents' names. It wasn't much, but it was at least some connection to them. The stone was rough in the grooves that formed the names and dates. And his fingers felt gritty as he outlined the letters over and over. From the time they had died until today, he had felt restless, not quite knowing what to do with himself. Not knowing what had happened here at home. Finally, he felt the closure that he had sought for such a long time.

"I thought of you that night, Dad. So many people died and there were so many shooting stars. Remember how you used to tell me about someone going to heaven when there is a shooting star? But we have to move on, from here, from the Titanic. But I had to come and be sure that you were alright. I just want you to know that I remembered everything you both taught me. I will never forget you. And I just wanted you to know..."

Jack had to stop for a minute. He was becoming choked up again. But he had one more thing that he wanted to say. He put his hands over his eyes. The words would only come out in a whisper.

"I just wanted you to know, how proud I am to be your son."

Tears slide down his face and his insides churned. He was not aware of anything else in the world, except his grief. Jack didn't even notice the scent of Rose's perfume or the light touch of her hand on his shoulder.

Rose stood next to Jack for several moments. She could not believe that this defeated and devastated looking man was her resilient Jack. She leaned closer to him, so her cheek touched his shoulder.

As if very tired, he spoke to her. "Oh, Rose, I was so deep in thought. I didn't hear you."

She reached down and placed the lilacs on the grave.

"Aren't they lovely? Amanda sent them. She puts flowers here every week."

"That's wonderful. They really are taking care of things," said Jack, automatically.

"Jack, please come. You need to come away now. There is nothing more to do. Please. I need you too Jack," she said in a gentle loving tone.

Jack shook his head as came back to the present.

"You're right Rose. I can't do anymore. But I can't help thinking, how much they missed."

She took both his hands in hers.

"Yes, but it sounds like what they had was perfect, even if it was for a short time."

He thought for a minute, then answered, "Yes, I think so. I believe that."

They stood together with the gentle wind blowing in their hair.

"I just thought of something," Jack said.

"What's that?" asked Rose.

"My parents, they would have loved you. Sometimes when I was growing up, I had a bunch of silly girls hanging all over me. I think they wondered if I would ever settle down and get serious. They would have loved being grandparents."

Rose put her hand to her mouth.

"Oh my God, Jack, I just realized that if we have children, they will only have one grandparent. My mother!"

"That's right, Rose," he said.

In a serious tone she asked, "Do you think she can turn her life around and be a pleasant person? She says she wants to be close to me."

Jack put his hand on his chin and thought for a moment.

"Well, I can't say for sure, but I think it might be possible. I think she has some deep dark secrets and maybe once she works through that, she'll be okay. You know, sometimes people like that really want to be accepted, but they have gone on as she has for so long, that they don't know how to reach out. I think we will have to make an effort to help her. It won't be easy."

Rose put her hand on his shoulder. She nodded slightly to his comments about her mother. But she already had something else on her mind.

"What would you think if we started a family right away?" she asked him.

He looked at her quickly. Was she about to tell him what he already suspected?

"That would be great if it happened," he said carefully. "I love kids. I would love a big family."

She was quiet.

"That is Rose, if you want a big family too. You are the one that has to go through everything," he said.

"When the time comes, whenever that might be," she stopped for a second, "would you be there with me? When you are with me, I am not afraid of anything."

"Of course."

Jack bent his head down and kissed her. That kiss gave her the answer she wanted and brought Jack the courage he needed to move on with his life.

At last, Rose said, "We better get going. I think Amanda is making lunch for us. They are so nice."

"I just met Anders briefly, but he seemed like such a genuine person," agreed Jack.

"I told them about us. They were so sympathetic. I know we decided not to tell everyone we met, but it seemed so natural with them," she told him.

"That's okay, sometimes it is easier getting things like that out in the open," he responded softly.

Jack seemed reluctant to leave the peace of the hilltop.

"Come on," Rose urged. "They are waiting for us."

He took her hand again. And looked over the place that would be in his heart forever.

"I just want one last look," he said smiling at her.

It was the sweet, gentle smile of the Jack she first met. The grim lines around his mouth were erased. He looked at peace with himself.

Jack eyes wandered across the scene below him. What he saw was a tonic for his soul. He drank in the fertile land where he grew up and he saw the sluggish green river in the distance. The meadowlarks and blue jays were calling from the trees behind him. The tall grass rustled against the fence. The scent of the purple lilacs still wafted in the air and the wildflowers softened the hardness of the granite stone. Next to him he could feel the heat of Rose's body. This was his parents final resting place. Peaceful, serene, private. Now he felt that he could at last lay this part of his life to rest.

He turned once more to look at the marker in the little enclosure. He put his hand to his lips and then touched that hand to the top of the warm stone. It wasn't much, but it was the only farewell that he was able to give them.

"Now I believe they are at peace and I've said my good-byes. Let's go Rose. I'm ready now."

Chapter Thirty-Two
Stories