TRAPPED IN THE PAST
Chapter Two

I laid around for exactly three days, getting up only to use the bathroom. I never changed, didn’t eat, and never once did anything but just stare at things around the room. I began to get sick of the painting on the wall, the one of the damn flowers. It was too bloody cheery; made me want to throw up. There was also a rather crude sketch drawing of a young couple with some ducks. That one just hurt; I hardly looked at it.

On the fourth morning, Katherine came in at about nine, her hands on her hips and a worried look on her face. She stood over my bed and looked at me. I had hardly seen her since that first night. She was never around when I went to the bathroom and had the sagacity not to disturb me, until now.

"Rose Margaret Ann DeWitt Bukater Dawson, get your ass out of bed this minute," she exclaimed, her voice surprisingly discordant.

Jesus, my name was long. "Don’t call me DeWitt Bukater," I apathetically replied out of force of habit. I wasn’t in the mood for a lecture or to be middle-named.

Katherine sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Fine," she promised, "but please get up."

No, I wanted to shout, go away! Leave me the bloody well alone. But instead I just pulled the comforter up over my head and kept it there. I knew I was being a pain in the ass, but at the moment I couldn’t have cared less.

My aunt patted me on the back a few times and then softy started rubbing it in soft circles. "Darling, I took the day off work; we can go do something." When I didn’t answer or remove the blanket, she sighed again. "I know this is hard, Rose, but you have to keep yourself busy. That’s the only way to start to get over what happened."

I sat up quickly, startling her. "I have gotten over it. I’ve forgotten about it," I replied placidly, looking her straight in the eye. We both knew I was lying, but if I said it enough, maybe it would come true.

Katherine raised her eyebrows and I could almost see the little wheels turning in her head. "I doubt that very much," was the only thing she said, though. Then her lips curved into a smile and she cocked her head. "Let’s get you out of bed and then get some food into you; you must be famished. And then later we can get you some proper clothes that fit."

I groaned and closed my eyes. Shopping! That was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. I had learned, quite understandably, to hate shopping a few years ago. It meant hours and hours of boring clothes, old ladies with pins fussing over me, and people--and by people, I mean by mother--saying things like, "Rose, darling, you ought to lose some weight." Are you happy now, Mother? I felt like screaming into oblivion. I lost some weight!

With great difficulty, I pulled back the covers and swung my feet to the floor. Katherine looked rather pleased when I stood up and she gave me a sort of a smug smile. "Shopping?" I asked her with some disgust.

Katherine, to my surprise, started laughing. "Yes. You look ridiculous in my clothes. They are too small for you, and your other things are trashed. And this," she said, tugging on the sleeve of my coat, which I was still wearing, "has to go."

I immediately wrapped my arms around myself and looked at Katherine with dark eyes. "No!" I shouted. like a child who has been told that he must do something. My eyes narrowed and I saw a look of shock pass across her face. There was not a snowball’s chance in hell that she was taking this coat away from me. It was the only tangible thing I had left, besides the necklace and the dress. However, God knew that the necklace was not to be worn as a simple trinket, and that dress was horrid-looking.

"All right," she agreed timidly. "It doesn’t have to go. But you do need to take it off for a while."

That I could live with and I let her help me take it off and then I watched carefully as she hung it on the bedpost for the time being. With a soft smile, Katherine finally left and I was once again alone. I supposed I ought to bathe, but on second thought the task seemed too daunting. So I got out of my, or rather Katherine’s, nightgown and powdered my body with some fragrant powder she had lying around. Then I searched through her drawers, found a skirt and a blouse and put them on my body. I had no other shoes except for some house slippers, so I just put those back on and then started out of the room.

The hall seemed bright compared to the dimness of my bedroom as I trudged downstairs. I didn’t like it and shielded my eyes from the glare as I entered the kitchen. Katherine was leaning over the stove and I gave her a soft greeting as I sat down at the table.

"You look better," was her comment as she turned around to look me over. "What would you like to eat? I can make you eggs and sausage. Or maybe some pancakes."

Oh, Lord. They all made my stomach do somersaults, and I felt like I was going to be sick again. You would think that I would have been starving, but the strange part was that I hardly even noticed hunger anymore. "I’ll just have toast," I answered softly. "And maybe some coffee." I had hardly slept more than three hours a night since I had gotten here; I needed some caffeine in the worst way.

Katherine gave me a concerned look and shook her head. "Rose, you already look like you are sick. Please eat something. I promise you will feel and look a little bit better."

Why did my aunt have to be a doctor? I shook my head at her, and finally she sighed and agreed to make my meal. It was a good thing she knew how to make it, too. I didn’t even know how to work a stove, or how on earth to boil water. I mean, I know that it had to be a certain temperature. But what happened when it got there. How did you know? I sighed out loud. I really was hopeless.

Once I ate and Katherine was convinced I really didn’t want anything else, she dragged me out of the house. It was odd being with the three-dimensional people again, instead of those in a painting on my room wall. I was convinced everyone I saw would recognize me as who I really was and expose me to everyone. I knew they must all know what I did with Jack, that I was no longer a good little girl. But they just passed by with hardly a glance and left me alone. I began to relax a little bit, but was still worried that when I turned the corner I might run into someone in my family. Katherine started complaining of the heat as we got downtown and I gave her an incredulous look. Was it not cold? I grabbed her hand in my own and it shocked her as much as it did me.

Katherine’s hand was as warm as the gates of hell itself, and mine…mine was colder than ice.

I dropped her hand immediately and looked straight ahead, afraid to meet her eyes, all the while quelling the feeling that began to rise inside of me.

*****

Shopping went all right. I had dropped two dress sizes, which was a bit of a shock. However, I had to admit it was nice to get some fresh clothes that actually fit. I insisted on paying Katherine back for some of it, but she cast my offer off and told me that it should be considered a gift. I still had all that money from Cal and was at a loss as to what to do with it. I had used a little to support myself before I arrived at Katherine’s. But now I hadn’t the need for it. Besides, I was determined to get by without his help, the bastard.

Once we were finished and we had left the last of many stores, the next quest was to find a place to eat. I had developed more of an appetite and was feeling a little bit better as I carried my many bags and stuck close to my aunt. She was talking a mile a minute about how nice it was to have me here and about how happy she was that I really hadn’t died. I hardly heard much of it, though; I was preoccupied by making sure she was always next to me and that I didn’t see anyone I knew. When she paused, I took it as my clue to nod or mumble a sort of an agreement, upon which she started talking again.

The system of stimulus and response went well for about ten minutes until, while walking by a newspaper kiosk, my body froze. I stared with wide eyes at the newspaper headline as the rest of the world faded away. Ten More Bodies Recovered Today From the Atlantic Due to Titanic Tragedy. It was the first paper I’d seen, the first news of the disaster that I’d heard, and my eyes were glued to it. They were recovering bodies? I was filled with an overwhelming sense to either buy the paper or burn the whole kiosk down. They were recovering bodies; my heart beat in unison with the words.

"Katherine?" I turned around in a circle, wanting to ask her if it were true, but I suddenly realized I was alone. I immediately froze and my body began to shake. She was gone. I didn’t know the way back to her house, had no money, and she was gone. She left me. Oh, my God! Slowly I sank back against the building behind me, my eyes staring out at the busy street but seeing nothing. My heart began to race and felt like it would come out of my chest. I couldn’t breathe. Oh, my God. She left me like Jack did. She disappeared. They both left me. I’m all alone. I closed my eyes and felt my pulse beating out of control. My whole body was shaking by now and I kept taking big gasping breaths as I held my hand over my heart. I was vaguely aware of how people must be pointing at me and staring, but I couldn’t concentrate. All I could think about what the fact that they weren’t here. Who would help me? They were both gone! I was alone. I couldn’t take care of myself. Somebody was going to come along and rape me and then leave me and then…

"Rose? Rose…Rose!"

Slowly, I realized it was Katherine’s voice and opened my eyes, my heart still beating wildly. When my eyes focused on her, I saw a bewildered and concerned look on her face. She took one look at me, dropped her bags, and grabbed my wrist, upon which she proceeded to take my pulse. The next thing I knew she was hurriedly hailing a taxi and I was being sat down in the back seat of a car amongst shopping bags.

We started moving and that started a whole new rush of feelings. Jack…Jack had been in a backseat with me. But this was different. His arms were not there; his warm body was no longer on top of me. We were moving! This was too fast; we were going to crash. It was too enclosed, too much like being trapped against that gate. I gripped the sides of the seat with iron hands and closed my eyes. I was so dizzy; my heart wouldn’t calm down. My aunt was holding my wrist again and kept shaking her head. I was going to die, I realized. This was it! Jack, here I come…

And then everything went black.

*****

When I woke up I was in my own bed. I couldn’t remember how I had gotten here. The last thing I remembered clearly was walking next to my aunt downtown. What were we doing home? I opened my eyes, looked around, and saw Katherine sitting next to me on a chair. She had tear tracks on her face and her eyes were puffy. I looked at her and it all came back to me again. How long had I passed out?

"What happened to me?" I asked breathlessly, my voice hardly above a whisper.

Katherine took my hand and held it. "You had a panic attack," she explained gently. "You passed out, which was probably a good thing because your pulse was getting dangerously high."

I searched her eyes. A panic attack? "What…what is that, exactly? I mean, why did it happen?"

My aunt sighed and shook her head. "It’s when your body gets…overworked, for lack of a better term. You have all the symptoms that you just went through, lots of discomfort. I think the newspaper might have started it and then when you couldn’t find me, it escalated. I knew I shouldn’t have put you in a car, but there was no other way." She looked at me with a very concerned glance.

"Are they normal?" The last thing I needed was a bunch of medical problems. I had heard of panic attacks only a few times before, but no one I was around ever really discussed them. They were one of those taboo subjects that were to be left alone.

"Relatively, after a big disaster like this. However, yours was a serious one, Rose. I’m worried you might have more." Her voice had that doctor tone to it, the one that I hated.

I knew what she was getting at, however, when she said I might have more. I stared at her with an unwavering expression.

"There are some wonderful medications out there now, Rose…"

"No," I said, shaking my head and holding up my free hand. "Katherine, no."

"But Rose, darling, they might help," she protested, standing up and dropping my hand. With worried steps, she paced the floor next to my bed and chewed her fingernails.

"I’m fine, Katherine. Really," I answered. "I’m putting it behind me." Funny, it reminded me of another time I had said that. I quickly put that out of my mind and turned my full attention back to my aunt. Don’t do this again, Rose.

Katherine stopped pacing and stared at me for a long time. It made me nervous and I began to feel sick. Why was she looking at me like that? Sighing, she folded her arms across her chest and shook her head.

"It’s your life," she whispered, and with that, turned and left my room, leaving me alone once again.

I sank down underneath the covers. I was so cold, my feet like ice and my hands no better. Why on earth couldn’t I get warm? I used to have a problem with always being overheated, and now I would have given almost anything to feel warmth again. Sighing heavily, I stared with wide eyes at the coat hanging in front of me. I wanted badly to run over and grab it, but restrained myself. The power it had over me was frightening. The only time I slept was when it was wrapped around my body, and even then my dreams were plagued with haunting images and sounds.

I lay there a long time, alone with my thoughts, until Katherine came in with a bowl of soup. I wasn’t hungry, but ate some just to make her happy. It was good, I had to admit, but it just wasn’t what I needed. I didn’t know what I needed anymore. But it wasn’t food. There was something wrong with me. I could sense it. However, I chose to believe that it was due to my panic attack and ignored it. Tomorrow would be different, I thought as my bowl was being taken away. Tomorrow would be better.

Chapter Three
Stories