TRAPPED IN THE PAST
Chapter Five

I walked the avenue until my legs felt like stone
I heard the voices of friends, vanished and gone
At night I could hear the blood in my veins
Black and whispering as the rain
On the streets of Philadelphia…

--Streets of Philadelphia–Bruce Springsteen

The party was in full swing by the time we arrived. I shied behind Katherine as she rang the doorbell and knocked on the door simultaneously. Self-consciously, I patted my hair. My aunt said it was rather becoming; I still thought it was a mess. I still didn’t know why I’d done it. Perhaps I really was going completely insane. Katherine had gotten me to wear this God awful dress that supposedly brought out my eyes. I thought it looked like a mermaid costume by the way it was colored--a funny greenish lace with bits of gold. Didn’t seem too patriotic to me, but who knew with Katherine.

It was a warm night, from what I heard from my aunt. I, on the other hand, was freezing. At the moment I would have given anything to be back at home, wrapped up in a blanket and snuggled in a chair close to a fire.

The next thing I knew, someone had opened the door and I was forced to be with real people again. It was this woman, about my height, who looked the same age as Katherine--maybe a bit older. She was wearing a blue dress and had way too much makeup on.

"Katherine, so glad you could come!" Mrs. X exclaimed, throwing her arms around my aunt, who started laughing.

"Oh, I’m only too happy to," Katherine responded when she could talk again. She was using that voice that she used when we were around people that were either A: higher up on the social ladder or B: she wanted to impress. I was guessing that it was the latter in this case, because their house wasn’t very fancy and the woman didn’t look like a society bitch.

Katherine then turned toward me and stepped aside. "This is my friend and boarder, Rose Dawson." She introduced me as if I couldn’t speak for myself. "Rose, this is Alexandra Kunkler; I work with her husband."

Ah, so that was it. I was correct about her wanting to impress someone. Diligently, I stuck out my hand and played the old Society Rose bit. God, I really hated that. Mrs. Kunkler shook my hand warmly and then started blabbing about someone else around my age that was there. I listened with one ear open and the other completely shut off. Honestly, I didn’t care. When she took me by the arm and started leading me through the house, I threw a pleading glance over my shoulder at Katherine, who just smiled and waved. Traitor.

Next thing I knew I was being introduced to one Lily Bratcher, who was a friend of the family’s. The girl was significantly shorter then I, and not thin, but not fat either. When she smiled her two cheeks bulged out, making her look slightly like a chipmunk, but it was endearing. She was wearing a blue dress, rather appropriate for the Fourth of July, and it made me feel even more ridiculous in my green outfit. Her hair was dark brown, almost black, the kind I had wanted as a little girl. It was also straight. Well, more or less it was straight. That bitch. Once again I was jealous of someone I didn’t even know.

After all the pleased to meet you formalities had been taken care of, Mrs. Kunkler said she had to check on the caterer and then left, leaving me alone with Lily. The girl gestured to a door about ten feet away and I followed her as she led me outside to a porch. The night air was a welcome change from the stuffy interior. Though I was still cold, I felt flustered and claustrophobic in a room with so many people. Walking over to the edge of a rail, I leaned over and looked out across the brilliant views of the city. All of Chicago was out tonight, but that was nothing new for a weekend.

"I understand if you don’t want to talk to me," Lily said suddenly, coming up beside me as I leaned against the porch rail.

"Why would you think that?"

Lily shrugged, and then, to my shock, stuck her hand down her dress front. Pulling it out a minute later, she emerged with a slightly beat-up pack of cigarettes. When she took one out and handed it out to me, I felt like I was finally seeing the light again. Katherine wouldn’t let me smoke; she hated the smell and thought it was bad for you. Gladly, I took what was offered to me and greedily accepted the lighter Lily then handed me.

"God, thank you." I sighed, blowing the think smoke from my mouth with a satisfied groan.

Lily chuckled. "You looked like you needed it," she answered, cigarette hanging out of her mouth in a strangely familiar way.

I smiled as I looked back out at the horizon. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d had a smoke. As far as I could tell, it had been that night…below decks, when we had danced. If I closed my eyes, I could almost remember his arms around my waist, the sound of the lively band, the smell of cheap booze and smoke. I could almost feel him…

"So, why ya here?"

My fantasy was interrupted again. Lily was asking the ever-popular why are you here question. Which meant, what the hell was your story. "It’s complicated," I mumbled vaguely, exhaling a large plume of smoke. "You don’t want to hear it."

"I got time," Lily replied, giving me a soft smile. "God knows I want to have an excuse to be out here as long as possible. Half those people in there couldn’t even tell you when the Fourth of July was."

That brought a smile to my face. "You really don’t know want to know. Trust me," I said, chuckling in spite of myself. I don’t want to tell you was what my mind was really shouting at me. It was Independence Day, and I was finally free. The last thing I wanted was to relive past tribulations.

Lily was quiet for a good minute. I got the feeling that she was thinking something over. Her eyes became dark and cloudy, and she neglected her cigarette for a minute, lazily holding it between two fingers. Blinking a couple of times, I turned my gaze back over the view.

"It can’t be any more tragic than my story, Rose," she said finally, capturing my attention once again.

"Try me," I responded dryly.

I hadn’t expected her to actually say anything, so when she started to talk, I was shocked. First, she gave me this big, long, drawn-out ordeal about where and how she grew up and after, that is, when she launched into the interesting stuff. Call me crazy, but I felt drawn into this girl’s tale. Call it a connection.

"My parents died the summer after that, and I moved to Boston when I was sixteen to live with my cranky old aunt. She had this God awful house--" Here Lily exhaled a large amount of smoke, adding to the character of the story "--with about twenty cats. The place smelled dreadful, Rose. You have no idea. After a while, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I started going out at night, mainly to get out of the house for a change. A month or so later, I met Barry."

I felt a chill run down my spine as my cigarette hung limply from my lips. Men. I couldn’t even hear a story about one without thinking of him.

"Barry and I started going out just about every weekend. He was twenty-four and married, but I didn’t care. I was just happy that someone besides a fifty-year-old woman was interested in me. After awhile…" She paused for a long moment. "…we started fucking around."

Lily’s blatant language startled me. Not that I hadn’t heard the phrase before, nor could I say I hadn’t used it. It was nice to hear it from someone else for a change. It almost made me smile.

"One thing led to another, and next thing you know, I’m knocked up and he’s telling me he’s got a wife and a little baby back in Philly. Then he left town without so much as a good-bye. Bastard." Lily sighed heavily and took a long draw of her cigarette. A shadow of anger and hurt had fallen across her face, so very different from the cheerful girl I had met just a few minutes ago.

"What did you do?" I heard myself asking.

Lily shrugged. "Picked up my shit and ran here. Had the baby in the streets, gave it up for adoption, and then moved in with one of my cousins out here."

"Do they know?"

"About the baby? No," Lily answered, peering out at the horizon. "I don’t even remember what he looked like."

I didn’t quite know what to say, so I leaned against the rail and stared in the same direction Lily was. The distant chorus of partygoers could be heard through the shut glass doors, the light from inside playing with the shadows of the night. It would have been an awesome sight, were it not for the fact that I felt like shooting myself at that very moment, and I was pretty sure Lily felt the same. I felt like a bitch for thinking that I was the only one with problems.

"You going to sit there and tell me what you went through was as bad?"

Lily’s question cut through the conglomeration of voices. Slowly, I turned my head so that I could look at her. I stared long and hard, not saying anything, simply nodding leisurely. There was no way I was going to tell her.

My companion shrugged her shoulders and tore her gaze away from mine. "Wanna get out of here?" she asked after a long moment.

"God, yes," I mumbled, before taking a long draw of my disappearing cigarette. I was going to miss it when it was gone.

She grabbed her coat, I borrowed one of hers, and for a long while we walked, first away from the house, then down the driveway, ending up on the road that led…somewhere. I didn’t much care at this point. Between us, we finished off the rest of that pack of cigarettes, hardly talking except to ask for a light or something of the sort. My feet began to hurt about a mile and a half down the road, so I took off my shoes and threw them on the curb. Then we continued on, farther and farther away from the house, until we were in town. Cars raced by as we climbed up onto the sidewalk and strolled. A few noisy brawlers even had the indecency to honk and whistle. Lily and I simultaneously gave them the middle finger.

As we passed by the first of many bars we would undoubtedly come upon, I paused and stared through the dusty glass. Swarms of people, mostly men, filled the hazy room, loud noises resonating from every corner. I wanted to be in there, I realized, as I leaned against the windowpane. I wanted to get piss drunk, fuck as many guys as possible, and then not even care the next day. I wanted to feel alive again and not have it mean a damn thing the next day. I wanted to be truly free.

But I would care, because the fact of the matter was that I was still attached. This thought hit me as Lily was pulling me away from the view. She insisted we walk over to the nearby park. I felt a little numb, wanting another cigarette and hoping that for my own good Lily didn’t have anymore on her. She made me sit down on a cold bench, upon which I simply plopped down and stared into the night. Lily sat down beside me, and we waited in silence for absolution to wash over us. But it didn’t happen. Lily was too proud to let it in, and I was too stubborn and unaware to realize that that was what I needed.

After a while, I rose from my seat and crossed over to the little stone bridge that acted as a pathway over a small canal. I tentatively walked to the middle of the overpass and stared into the black water rushing beneath me. With trembling hands, I reached into my inside dress pocket and pulled out the little glass bottle of pills Katherine had given me. I shook my head at them and then launched them into the abyss, where they landed with a loud splash.

I didn’t need the damned pills; I didn’t need anyone else. I was going to get through whatever this was…by myself…no matter the cost. I was Rose Dawson; I’d survived a hell of a lot worse than this.

The only problem was, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. And I had no idea where to start.

Chapter Six

Stories