TRAPPED IN THE PAST
Chapter Eight

Fumbling, I backed down from the ledge and then stood trembling on the stone bridge. My entire body felt like it was on fire, a drastic change from the cold that had become a normality. Ironically, I wanted to rip off my clothes and dive into something icy. But I just stood there, sweating, my heart beating erratically while one thought reverberated through my mind.

I killed Jack. He was dead because I had met him. And I couldn’t bring him back. He was really dead.

It was the first time I had ever thought of him being really dead. I had always known it, but somehow I had chosen to ignore the fact that his soul no longer graced this earth. He would never again set a tangible foot on something solid. Never again would he make someone laugh, smile in his cocky way. He would never get the chance to get married or share the joys and pains of raising children. His life would not continue through the years, whatever happiness and tribulation graced those times. He was just…gone.

I had stolen his life away from him in one night. I could have been the one to freeze to death in that cold water, but I selfishly chose to remain on that board. And while he loved life and knew the full possibilities of what it could offer, I knew nothing of living life the fullest or how to make my life my own. I just knew I didn’t want to die. And like the pampered princess I was, I assumed that he would live, too. He couldn’t leave me. My life didn’t work that way. I always got what I wanted.

But the moment I took off that ring and let Jack sketch me, my life changed forever. I had crossed that line. I didn’t always get what I wanted anymore. And if that meant that my soulmate was taken away from me, then that’s what it entailed.

I just foolishly assumed that we would be together for the rest of our lives. We had beaten Cal and my mother, in a sense. What else could harm us? We were Jack and Rose, together until the bitter end. It was always going to be he and I, for better or worse. But I had ended all of that by watching him freeze to death in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

I’d never felt more alone or helpless as I did that moment, sinking down to my knees and letting out a blood-chilling scream. My head was spinning. My body felt like it was going to be torn in a hundred different directions. I wanted so badly to wake up five months ago, before I met Jack. I could fix everything, make it better. I could replay the entire epic, change the ending, and make Jack switch places with me on that board. Than maybe he might be here with me now.

Frantically, I stood up again and looked around in a dizzy haze. I had to get out of here. I needed familiarity. So, I ran, as fast I could, in the direction of Katherine’s house. With every click of my shoes I felt more pain invade my broken heart as it progressively became more overwhelming. Oh, God! I couldn’t do this. Not right now.

I had killed Jack. I had killed my best friend. I had killed the only person who had ever understood me completely, and still wanted to be with me, because I was a selfish, spoiled brat. I now was going to miss the chance to be his wife, to have his children…and simply grow old with him. I wanted nothing more. But it was gone now. And I could never get it back.

Somewhere between the bridge and Katherine’s house it started raining. Sheets and sheets of water fell from the violent sky as thunder boomed and lightning illuminated the sky above me. I became soaked to the bone, but for some reason, I ignored the water. It was all too familiar--the cold, the water, the painful heartache that was overtaking my entire body and soul. Once again, I was back on that pier in New York. Only this time, I knew things I hadn’t yet realized then. This time, I couldn’t turn back, couldn’t shield my heart from the ache. But, oh, God, it hurt. My heart began beating harder and harder the closer I got to Katherine’s. If I wasn’t careful, it was going to explode. There was a new feeling rising up in me, as well. But I wasn’t quite ready to accept it. Not yet.

All the lights were on when I finally arrived home; Katherine’s house looked like a Christmas tree. Numb and soaked to the bone, I trudged up the cold front steps, the same ones I had been contemplating suicide upon hours before, and then stood with my nose pressed against the door. Did I dare go in? It would be admitting to myself that it was real. I was really having a breakdown.

My brain answered for me and I subconsciously turned the doorknob. The sudden light blinded my eyes and I instinctively shied away.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God…

My heart, now pounding harder deep in my chest, began to overwhelm me. A few more minutes of this and I would faint dead away, right there in the entryway. My mind keep bombarding me with images I had locked away somehow. Once again, I saw Jack grinning at me for the first time, felt his warm breath on my body, and heard him utter his dying words. Somehow, I had managed to forget all of these things until now.

"Katherine?" I called out weekly, shutting the door with a quiet thud. God, where was she? I needed her so badly. My voice reminded me of when I was searching for a way to unlock Jack from the pipe, scared, alone, hopeless, and frantic…all at once.

It could only have been seconds, but it felt like a lifetime before Katherine finally came running from upstairs. She took one look at me and instantly knew what had happened. That’s one of the reasons I really loved her; she knew me well enough to simply know what was wrong by being near me.

In one swift instant, her arms were wrapping around my body. I felt a tiny sense of relief that lasted about a minute before it was replaced by the same trembling paranoia that had overtaken me so completely. My heart was pounding through my body. I couldn’t believe this was happening. It seemed like an evil dream.

"Rose, you have to let it go," Katherine whispered softly into my ear. "Accept what has happened and let the past go."

"I can’t," I whispered back. "It hurts too much, Katherine."

She squeezed me tightly, my body being crushed underneath her warm embrace. I felt her heartbeat against my skin, her life invading my soul. In her own way, trying to break through my wall of shame and ache. I resisted her attempt at first, but I was tired. So very tired.

And then, all at once, I gave up completely. I gave in to every single emotion weighing on my heart and soul for months now. My knees buckled and I fell to the floor with a heart-wrenching scream. Katherine came down with me and held me as I began to sob. It hurt so much, to realize and give in to the fact that he was dead. I had known it for months now, but I didn’t really believe. The reality that he wouldn’t be coming back to save me again had finally sunk in. It became as if I had heard for the first time that he was gone. I didn’t know what to do with myself, my arms thrashed about, and my legs moved back and forth in an attempt to stop the pain. I couldn’t breathe properly. My chest began to heave up and down. My heart was beating wildly and yet felt like it was being ripped away from my body at the same time. Pressing my nails into my hands, I tore open the skin, bringing eight different pools of blood to the surface as my thumbs clenched down upon them.

"He can’t be gone," I whispered over and over. But he was.

Katherine said nothing, just held me as my entire existence fell from around and beneath me. I became unaware of anything surrounding me, only my own heart-wrenching reality. Why had I been so reluctant to believe the truth? Why had I pretended that he was not really gone? It was a sham, a stupid fantasy that I had created for some purpose.

"Why didn’t I let it in, Katherine?" I sobbed, once again balling my fists.

My aunt smoothed my hair gently, and I felt her shrug her shoulders. "I’m not sure, Rose. Perhaps you did it to protect your heart."

"How is this protecting my heart? I feel like it’s literally on fire or breaking in a million pieces!" I wailed, unable to stop myself from lashing out. "I know why this happened! It’s because it’s my fault, Katherine! It’s my fault that he’s dead!"

Katherine pushed me roughly away from her body and looked me squarely in the eyes. The jolt shocked me out of my hysterics, and for a moment, all my crying stopped. Through my hazy vision, I could see her blue-green eyes, a mirror of my own, glassing over in empathetic tears. My breathing still labored, I tried to calm down as she stared at me long and hard. I really needed to get a grip.

"Now, listen," my aunt began softly, "none of this was your fault. You have to believe that. The ship didn’t sink and Jack didn’t die because of something you did. You may spend the rest of your life asking why. But that’s all right. It’s good to ask questions, even if you never find the answers. But you’ve got to remember that it was nothing you caused. All right?"

Once again, I began to cry. I didn’t deserve this. I had done nothing but mope around for the last five months, and yet Katherine was treating me better than my own mother ever had. It gave me a tiny glimmer of happiness in my shattered world. But, oh, God, it still hurt. Every beat of my heart reminded me that I was alive and he was not. Katherine gathered me into her embrace again and murmured soft words of encouragement. This went on for some time, Katherine and I on the floor, both of us crying, one softly, the other in total desperation. It came and went in phases. I would regain some calmness, than all at once an imagining, a word, or a simple thought would pop into my mind and I would lose control again. Over and over I built myself up for hurt. And over and over again I fell, each time crying out in total desperation. It was horrible, simply horrible.

I was losing my true innocence, right there in the entryway. Never again would I look at anything and take it for granted, never again would I be able to hear of death and not think of Jack. I was ruined, stained, my heart broken and tattered. I began to see clearly how cruel and adverse the world was. At seventeen, I was learning things that it took others a lifetime to completely realize. Our lives can completely change in a matter of moments. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. Not matter how much I loved someone.

Coming to this conclusion, my crying began to subside bit by bit until I was merely sniveling every few moments. Still a mess, but a vast improvement.

"You’re going to be all right, Rose. I promise. You will make it through this."

"How long do you think it will take?" I asked mournfully.

"Oh, Rose, I don’t know." There was a slight pause as she allowed me to excruciatingly digest this information. "I know it isn’t what you want to hear, but I doubt the pain will ever completely go away."

My eyes filled with tears once again. "It’s not fair, Katherine," I mumbled, trying to blink the water out of my eyes. "He never did anything to anyone. He loved life more than anyone I’d ever met."

"I know," Katherine said softly. "But life’s not about being fair. You know that."

I did know that. I probably knew that better than anyone. My entire life had been that way. So nodding slowly, I picked myself up from the floor and shot shakily to my feet. I was tired. I needed some rest. And more importantly, I needed some alone time. I needed to sort through some of my mess by myself. Katherine stood up beside me and put her arm around my shoulders.

"C’mon," she said gently, as if she knew what I needed, "let’s get you upstairs and I’ll bring you some lavender and chamomile tea to help you sleep."

Thankfully, I allowed her to lead me upstairs, my feet like heavy stones underneath my body.

*****

I was falling, down, down, down, past my childhood, past my mother, father, dead pets, old friends, and then more horrifically, Cal, Southampton, Titanic, my mirror, a pearl necklace, lifeboats and lifebelts, an old dress, an iceberg, New York, Katherine, and then it was nothing, just blackness and an endless void. Then with a thud I hit something cold and solid. Strangely, I felt no pain and stood up quickly, anxious to see where I was. I remembered nothing of how I got here, or even where I was. There was only darkness around me. Not even a glimmer of faint light. Frantically, I turned in a circle, confused and scared. Was I dead? Is this where the unfaithful went? Perhaps this was like one of those pools where you could not see the bottom and were thrown into as a child so that you might learn how to swim. Or maybe, more reasonably, I was going insane and this was a maze I had to get out of in order to regain my sanity. It certainly was confusing…and cold…and smelled vaguely of lavender and iron. A disgusting combination.

I took a step, and did not fall farther into the void. I was standing on something solid. I knew that much. Gingerly, I bent down and felt whatever was beneath me. It was cold, like steel but softer. An odd thing, certainly nothing I had ever seen before. I took another step, and than another, until I had walked a good fifteen feet or so. Nothing continued to happen.

And then, all at once, there was a burst of great light. I felt myself being drawn toward it as it engulfed me in its presence, and I all of a sudden felt warm and comfortable. It was a strange feeling. Maybe this is what those who die and then come back try to describe to the living. Oh, God, was I really dead? How had this happened?

"Rose," the light said softly as soon as it had surrounded me completely.

I knew that voice. And then his face appeared, followed soon after by his body. He seemed to be floating toward me but when he stood before me he stopped. He wore the same clothes I had last seen him in, although dry and clean. I was in awe of what was happening, as if it were God himself in front of me.

"Am I dead, Jack?" I responded, surprisingly languid and calm. I had been waiting months for this moment, but all I felt now was a sense of peace. Neither of us made a move to touch the other, perhaps having the forbidding sense that if we did, it might make the other disappear. What an peculiar reaction; five months apart and this was how we treated each other.

He chuckled, sending a warm feeling throughout my entire body. "No, you’re not dead."

"Then where am I?"

Jack grinned softly. "Now that I cannot reveal."

"Even to me?"

"Even to you."

Odd, I mused. We must be in some strange purgatory-like state where the dead could communicate with the living without returning to earth. It was an unusual experience thus far, although not entirely unwelcome.

"Why am I only seeing you now?" I asked softly. True, it had been months since we had parted. Maybe if this had occurred before I might have bypassed that whole disastrous scene that had happened earlier this evening.

"You wouldn’t let me," Jack responded, much to my astonishment.

"I wouldn’t?"

"Yes, you pretended I never existed and locked me out of your heart. Even I couldn’t penetrate that lock. It’s against The Rules. I tried, Rosie. I did everything I could, short of asking for a miracle. But you’re so damned stubborn."

Ashamed, I looked down at my feet. I was stubborn; my entire life I had been told that. A blessing and a curse, like so many aspects of my life. So it was my own fault, then? "I’m sorry," I mumbled apologetically.

"You didn’t know," said Jack gently.

Slowly, I looked up to face him again. I wanted so badly to reach out and brush his hair out of his face, hold his hand, do anything to make him seem more real. But once again I hesitated. What if he suddenly disappeared? How would I deal with that? For a few moments, I stared at him. He stared right back, as if daring me to make a move, as if he were scared to do anything himself. It made my knees weak, and I began to feel dizzy; Jack’s gaze had always done that to me.

"Is there a heaven, Jack?" I asked in an attempt to regain my stability.

He broke into a smile, but did not respond.

"A hell? God? Anything?"

"You’ll find out soon enough," was all he muttered. "And then you’ll have an eternity to dwell on it."

This confused me. Did he mean I would die soon, or rather that when I did die the time I spent on earth would be nothing compared to eternity? I supposed he wouldn’t answer if I asked. The entire concept of heaven and hell blew my mind anyway. How could there be only two places where everyone who had ever walked the earth now existed? It was a staggering question.

"Are you happy?" I asked instead, desperate for a good answer. For the sake of my sanity, I needed to know he was going to be all right.

"Yeah, I’m happy," Jack answered with a grin. "I miss you, but I’m happy. It’s amazing, this entire experience."

"Death?"

He nodded slowly. "You have no idea how much is in store for you, Rose. Or even how much is in store for anything and everyone. I wish I could tell you the future, or of what I have been through. But it’s a secret. Anyway, if I told you it would throw the entire course of history off. Imagine how many lives you could affect or what you could change, knowing the future."

"I would change a lot," I answered, referring not to the future as he put it, but of the past. A shadow crossed Jack’s face as he realized what I spoke of. I felt a familiar sting in my heart and my hands began to shake. Even thinking of it made me upset.

"You can’t change the past, Rosie," he answered grimly. "As much as you or I would love it."

"I know," I mumbled, my eyes filling with tears once again. "I’m so sorry, Jack. I didn’t mean for you to die," I then whispered through choked sobs.

Only now did he move to touch me. Relief poured through my body as his arms encircled my body and neither of us was whisked away suddenly. I cried heavily on his shoulder as he held me close to his comforting body. It was the first time I began to feel a bit of redemption as Jack began to whisper that he knew, he knew I didn’t mean for him to die. For a long while we simply stood, engrossed in what could only be described as a dream within a dream. His presence felt so real, his skin so tangible, that several times I had to remind myself that he was dead. This couldn’t possibly last. Five months of pain, sleepless nights, depression, and hurt began to melt away.

"You’re going to be okay. I promise," he whispered, smoothing my hair down.

I pulled away, if only to simply reaffirm that he was here. His words seemed too prophetic, too good to be true.

"I promise," he echoed, squeezing my hand. A chill ran through my body. I promise. Our own personal charter. Until now I had locked that promise deep away in the recesses of my heart. But now its meaning and hope were thrown back at me. He had given me life. I owed it to his legacy to make the best of it.

Slowly, for no words seemed to sum up what I felt inside my heart, I began to move toward him, hoping to once again feel the pressure of his mouth upon mine. But as I did so, he began to move away, as if on rollers, as the light around us faded gently. Whimpering, I quickly jerked away and desperately called out for him.

There was no response as he drew further away and the light diminished more.

"Jack, please don’t leave!" I screamed, watching his form leave just as he had arrived.

And then I was alone, once again finding myself in dead silence and black darkness. Falling to my knees, I began to cry. I wanted him back. Today had been hard enough, and now he was leaving me again on top of everything else. This was all too much. I screamed and threw myself down on the floor, twisting around in the same manner I had in the front entryway. Was there to be no end to this heart-wrenching grief?

Suddenly, I began to fall, as if someone beneath me had pulled a string attached to my back. I tried to kick and squirm free, but my legs were bound by some sort of opposing force. I shut my eyes and cried out once again as I began to fall faster and faster, until I hit what felt like water with a driving force. I heard the splash, but instead of rising above, I began to sink beneath the surface. I was drowning, but as I opened up my mouth to yell for help, my lungs filled with salty water. I felt a sharpness in my hands, but as I tried to hold them, one within another, I felt them began to deteriorate. It was as if the water was an acid and eating my skin alive. I could smell the salt of the sea and the iron of my blood. I screamed again, this time blood spewing out of my mouth. And then I was sinking deeper and deeper, unable to stop myself from being carried away by an unseen force…

*****

I awoke with a jump, gasping for air and stability. The first thing I noticed was the abundance of light in my room; I must have fallen asleep with the lamp on. Secondly, I was aware of the erratic beating of my heart. Still breathing funny, my hand flew to my chest as I tried to calm myself down.

Was it all just a dream? It had felt too real to be such a fantasy. But it must have been. I was still in my bed. Oh, could a dream really reach across time and space to affect me as this did? When Jack had touched me, I could literally feel my skin warm at that spot. Even now, I could imagine his hand upon my own, and it made my body tingle just to think of it.

Groaning in frustration, I tried to move but found my legs wrapped tightly by the sheet. Apparently, my slumber had not been still as well as uninterrupted. As I glanced around, I saw that pillows and extra blankets were also tossed about. And my comforter was half on the bed, half hanging off the side. I threw the top layer of coverings off and then reached down to untangle my legs. Slowly and deliberately I peeled away the layers of fabric, as if peeling away the last few months of my life. The smell of lavender filled the room, and from outside I could hear the occasional car or shout. But it all seemed to melt away as those sheets unwound from my body. Then, all at once, it all was too much and I burst into tears. How was it that I was here, able to do something as simple as untangle a sheet, when Jack could no longer walk this earth?

How long would this last? The crying, the pain, the incurable longing in my heart…they couldn’t possibly go on forever. Right? Oh, God, it was hard enough trying to simply get by without him here. But it was the longing that would probably kill me if I didn’t find some way to control it. I had to learn to get on with my life without Jack. But it was so painful. And I could find no way to quell my suffering. Sobbing, I turned out the light and wrapped the covers around my body, cocoon-like.

I cried myself to sleep again that night. The darkness and the warm blankets did their best to hold me, but they were lacking. I was missing the one thing I wanted most to keep me warm.

You can’t change the past. For so long I clung to the notion that if I pushed it all aside for long enough, it would all go away. If I pretended it wasn’t real, that Jack was simply gone away for a while, it allowed me to think that his death was all make believe. I would surely wake up one morning with him beside me. I didn’t want to think about him six miles beneath the ocean or the fact that I was the reason he was dead. I had locked it up for so long that the fantasy became real and by then I had slipped farther away from the truth. And it took almost losing everything for the reality to catch up with me. I was alone, the one who had survived.

And there was nothing I could do about it. Except live.

Chapter Nine
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