TRAPPED IN THE PAST
Prologue
There are times in our lives that when we
look back years later, we want so badly to forget. For me, there were about six
months after the sinking that I wish now I could erase from my mind. It was
such a dark period in my life; I was such a mess. Nevertheless, it was
important in who I became and was part of my healing. I had done well to try
and forget those times, involving myself in other things--my children, my work,
writing, acting, being a loving wife. However, when Aunt Katherine died
unexpectedly this winter, I was forced to return to that house in Chicago where
I had spent so many tremulous days and nights. Simply seeing the old place
brought back so many things that I had worked hard to forget.
Until then the only thing I still thought of
was the cold, and that was only because I still suffered from unexplainable
chills once in a while. But that first year was so cold. Even in the dead of
July I would crawl into bed with blankets piled around me and a heavy nightgown
on. I hardly ever went anywhere without a coat and always wore socks. All these
things combined to make a small comfort zone for me, although they didn’t help
me much in the end.
So many things had gone horribly wrong. If I
had just realized right off the bat what I was doing to myself, I probably
would have been okay. However, I tried to block everything out of my mind. I
tried to shut life out; you can’t do that.
Now I sat in the middle of Katherine’s
kitchen, listening to the clock in the hallway strike midnight. A thousand
different memories ran through my head. Everywhere I turned, I remembered
something else that had happened there, or remembered something else I had gone
through.
I closed my eyes and sighed. There was so
much more than anyone knew. For the first time, I began to replay the entire
experience in my head, watching it go by like a movie. I had survived the
heartache and the breakdown, but I would never be the same again.