Written by Rachel Walker
Based on some situations originated by James Cameron.

Jack and Cal enter a small square room and take seats in opposite corners. Rose comes in after them and sits beside Rachel in front of the two.

Rachel: Okay, for the record, Rose will not be speaking except to me. Don’t ask me why. It just kind of turned out that way, so we’re running with it. (pulls out list) And now the list!

Jack and Cal look oddly uncomfortable as they shift awkwardly in their chairs, switching their sights from Rachel to Rose.

Jack: Is this really necessary? I mean, we already know Rose picks me.

Cal glares.

Rachel: You’re missing the point, so shh. Now, on to the first question. Money? Cal is quite well off, I believe, so you get a check. (checks board)

Jack: Hey! No fair! Rose doesn’t want any of that stuff!

Cal: But she needs some money. And you don’t have squat!

Rachel: Okay. Okay. Jack gets a point, too.

Cal glares.

Rachel: Okay. Now for physical appearance.

Cal stands upright and tries to look handsome. Jack gives a dashing smile of sparkling white prince charming teeth.

Rachel: All right. That’s one for Jack.

Cal: (sad) Well, what about hair?

Rachel: If you’re sure you want to go there…a point to Jack. You look like a greaseball. But then, Jack doesn’t bathe much, so a point to Cal, also.

Cal: Athletic body?

Rachel: Now, that we can do. All right, despite many obsessed fangirls’ beliefs, Jack is a stick boy.

Jack glares.

Rachel: And Cal has the body of an Olympian god, so one…

Jack: Ahem--we never see him with his shirt off. How do we know he’s got a good body?

Rachel: You know, I think it’s just implied. I mean…look at him.

Jack: He’s an aristocrat. He’s probably never lifted a finger in his life.

Rachel: Well, he looks quite nice, so deal. Don’t get on my nerves. If I want, I could penalize you for living with rats.

Jack grumbles.

Cal: (snickers) Rat boy.

Rose fiddles with her skirt, whispers to Rachel, then blushes and looks down. Jack and Cal look on curiously.

Rachel: All right. Rose would like to add sexy hand thing to the list. One for Jack.

Jack smirks.

Cal: Hey! What sexy hand thing?

Rose whispers to Rachel.

Rachel: Rose says that he did something nice with his hands in that car…

Cal: Well…maybe I have a sexy hand thing, too, you know!

Rachel looks over to Rose. Rose shakes her head in the negative.

Rachel: Sorry. One for Jack.

Cal slumps back, defeated.

Rachel: All right, for some more general questions--okay, Cal can provide lavish living conditions, so one to him.

Cal: And one for having friends! All of Jack’s friends die.

Jack: They wouldn’t accept them into society because of their moral views. Besides, I had Fabrizio…he’s gotta count for something.

Rachel: One to Jack for having a cool foreign friend, and I’m not sure if I should give another one to him for not being friends with snobs.

Cal: No way! That’s another implied thing. Cameron never actually said they were snobs!

Rachel: Good point. Oh, but you do have family…

Jack: That would hate her if she was herself.

Rachel: Point to Jack.

Cal: (makes to protest but decides against it) Oh! I did give her a great gift! That’s going to count for something, right?

Jack: No way. She didn’t want it.

Rose whispers to Rachel.

Rachel: Actually, Rose liked that necklace. Apparently it brought out the color of her eyes.

Jack: Well, I drew her a picture, so a point to me.

Rachel: No. Cal doesn’t have the ability to draw her a picture as a gift. No point.

Jack: But I don’t have the ability to buy her a two million dollar necklace!

Rachel: And whose fault is that?

Jack: What?

Rachel: Fine. One for Jack, too. What’s next? Best kisser…uh…Rose? (looks over at Rose, who looks to be in deep contemplation)

Jack and Cal watch Rose carefully as she slowly rises and walks towards the two. In an innocent manner, her gaze drifts from one to the other as she taps the side of her chin. A smile finally plays upon her face as she moves closer to Cal, who grins back smugly yet doesn’t dare to steal a glance at his rival. Jack grits his teeth and grips the armrests of the chair tightly as he watches Rose lower her head to Cal’s and gently place a kiss on his lips. She lingers for a few seconds before straightening herself again. When she does, she makes sure to give her best Rose in deep thought look, while Jack just looks like he is ready to kill and Cal simply attempts to not notice the murderous gleam coming from across the room. After a moment, Rose walks towards Jack, smiling. Longingly, he looks into her eyes before he, too, is presented with a light kiss. It is Cal’s turn to watch bitterly as he frowns at the scene in front on him. When Rose does at last release him, Jack seems to slip into a state of bliss on the chair while Rose begins to pace slowly in front of the pair, tapping her lips with her fingers, frowning.

Rachel: Well?

Rose holds up a single finger, signaling one moment, then turns back to the men. Again she walks towards Cal and holds out her hands to him. Taking them in his own, he stands up before her. He looks deeply into her eyes before her arms find their way around his neck and waist, pulling him down tightly into her embrace. He kisses her deeply in the way only a true born Frenchman could, bringing Cal fully back to reality as his hand reaches instinctively to a certain concealed pocket. It is then that Rose steps away, fully flushed in the face and trying desperately to hide a grin. Much to Cal’s annoyance, she turns to Jack, who stands nervously as she approaches. She smiles shyly up at him, slowing bringing her hands to rest upon his shoulders. Obviously unsure of himself, Jack cautiously lowers his head, allowing Rose’s lips to reach his. It is a gentle kiss at first, that is, until Rose’s grip tightens and her hands find their way into his hair and down his back, encouraging him to deepen their embrace. Cal sits frowning in an attempt to ignore the couple to his right, who seem to be taking their time in their passionate kiss. He glances quickly in their direction and does a double take.

Cal: Hey, that’s not fair! He’s doing the sexy hand thing!

Rachel raises an eyebrow. Rose and Jack finally pull apart.

Jack: (shrugs) It’s a package deal.

Rachel: Now, Rose, may I have your answer?

Rose thinks for a moment, then starts back towards Cal.

Rachel: Uh…I think that’s enough…

Rose pouts, then whispers in Rachel’s ear.

Rachel: Point to Jack.

Cal: But--

Rose shakes her head. Cal whimpers. Jack sinks back into his chair with far off, dazed look in his eyes and rests his hands behind his head.

Rachel: All right. Now that that’s done with, what’s next on the list? Hmm…point to Jack for being willing to die for Rose. I’m not sure about this next one. Well, we know that Cal is willing to kill for Rose and that Jack is willing to kill Cal for Rose. Does that mean you’re both willing to commit murder for Rose?

Cal: For the record, I would not commit murder. My intention was to fight him face-to-face.

Jack: (coughs) Tried to shoot us in the back. (coughs)

Cal: What was that?

Jack: You tried to shoot us in the back.

Cal: I…er…it’s love!

Jack: Psycho. (raises eyebrow) Rose, do you really want someone who would shoot you?

Rose shakes her head.

Rachel: Okay. Okay. Enough. Point to both of you for the whole killing thing. Jack gets a point for not being a murderer.

Cal: That’s not my fault. It’s the fault of some putz in Hollywood named James Cameron.

Rachel: Let’s move on.

Cal: Hey, I’ve got a good one. Who’s not likely to die in freezing water at the end of the movie before he can live out his life with Rose?

Jack goes back to glaring.

Rachel: Good point. (checks board) Let’s move on to attributes…hmm…best dressed…I’m going to have to go with Cal. His suit is spiffy. And that shirt Jack wears while the boat is sinking…ugly. Um…both have great taste…you both picked Rose, so you each get a point. Let’s see…better eyes…

Rose points to Jack. Rachel checks the board. Cal is sad. Rose is sad because Cal is sad.

Rachel: Jack doesn’t throw temper tantrums or throw Rose around…so point to him. And…um…better artist…Jack. Duh.

Jack: Ha ha! In yo’ face!

Rachel: And Cal gets a point for not saying in yo’ face.

Jack curses the world. Rose whispers to Rachel.

Rachel: Oh. Hmm. Well, apparently we have a tie right now, so Rose and I have decided to end this with a wrestling match…

Rose whispers to Rachel.

Rachel: In the rain…

Rose whispers to Rachel.

Rachel: Without shirts on. (gives Rose odd look)

Cal blinks. Jack blinks. They slowly turn to look at each other, then back at Rose.

Cal: You’re kidding, right?

Jack: There’s no way. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair.

Cal raises eyebrow.

Jack: Well, come on, I’m less than half your age. I can’t fight an old man!

Cal: You’re not half my age! You’re twenty and I’m thirty! That’s not half.

Jack: Old man!

Cal: Rat boy!

Jack: Rat boy with sexy hands! Face it. I’m young and sexy and you’re not.

Rachel: (blinks) You do realize that it’s only going to cause an influx of young fangirls who will only write more bad fan fiction like this one, right?

Jack: And more J/R.

Rachel: Yes, and C/J slash.

Jack and Cal slowly look at each other and then shift uncomfortably away in their chairs.

Cal: Dear God! Why did you have to say that?

Rachel: I think it’s hot.

Jack cringes and pushes his chair farther into the corner, seemingly intrigued by the bumps on the wall.

Rachel: Oh, come on. The two of you with perfect bodies…the light from the bedroom window glistening off your sweaty, rippling muscles…

Jack: (pushes into far corner with his hand blocking his view, as though it would stop his mental images) Aw…gross. Will someone please make her stop? I think I’m going to be sick.

Rachel: (receives a kick from Rose) Fine! I’ll stop. (mumbles) Bunch of babies…so, I take it no wrestling match?

Cal: No!

Rachel: All right, then. Since it’s tied seventeen to seventeen, I guess we’re just going to have to make a new list! You guys can just do whatever for now while Rose and I work on a new one.

The two girls start to chatter while making notes on the sheet of paper, not paying any attention to the men in the room. Cal, feeling bored, gets up and momentarily leaves the room to stretch his legs while Jack continues to simply sit, looking unimpressed. Everyone’s thoughts are interrupted when incessant laughter breaks out just outside the door.

Rachel: Now what?

Cal walks in with a huge grin on his face, desperately trying not to break out into laughter again while holding a magazine.

Cal: Hey, have you seen the new Variety ad?

He holds up the picture as Jack, in one quick, cat-like motion, grabs it from his hands.

Jack: Give me that.

Cal: Whatever. You look like…Wynona Ryder. (laughs some more)

Jack: Shut up. I do not look like Wynona Ryder.

Rose decides to get up and join the group in scrutinizing the picture.

Cal: Oh, and that brown on brown on brown thing they did with your outfit. (starts nodding) Incredible. Very becoming, if I do say so myself.

Jack: At least I didn’t try to shoot Rose!

Cal: Get over it!

Rose: (mumbles) At least he shows some respect for me. Rachel! Point to Jack!

Cal’s jaw drops as he stares at Rose in disbelief while Jack snickers to himself.

Jack: Someone got told.

Rachel: I thought you were supposed to be not talking?

Rose shrugs and goes back to her seat.

Rachel: Can we all just settle down now and get on with the list? You know what? Give me that.

Rachel goes to take the ad from Cal, but as she does this, Roes discreetly scribbles something on the list.

Rachel: Now, can we just forget about this and continue?

Rose smiles innocently.

Rachel: There were a few things on the old list that weren’t counted properly, so we’ll start by fixing those up. First, you two distracted me and I didn’t give Jack the point for charisma…now for the hat. Should you both get one, or is one better than the other? (looks at Rose)

Cal: I should totally get it.

Jack: No, my bowler hat rocks my socks.

Cal: I’m sorry, but fedoras just aren’t sexy. A top hat, on the other hand…now that just screams sex!

Rachel: I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you not to do that again.

Cal: Just telling it how it is.

Rachel: Let’s just drop it, please! I’m just not going to give out any points for hats since it seems some people are a little too emotionally attached to theirs.

Jack scowls.

Rachel: Okay, then. Name. Either Rose Dawson…or…um…what is your last name, anyway? (looks at Cal)

Cal: (mumbles) Hockley. (looks sad)

Rachel: Right, then. One to Jack. Hockley sounds like Cockley, and that references a penis. I don’t think Rose is too keen on that. Now, hired help. Cal’s got maids and valets and stuff. We’re not going to factor in the fact that Lovejoy tried to kill them. That scene got cut. So a point to Cal.

Rose looks sad because Jack looks sad.

Cal: (rolls eyes at obvious cry for attention, then notices Rachel) Hey, how come you’re not busy sympathizing, too?

Rachel: I can be a Cal shipper at times. (winks)

Cal: Ah-ha! (nearly jumps out of chair) See? I told you; they do exist!

Jack: Pfft!

Rachel: Worry not, my Jack. I’m glad she ended up with you. Even though you died.

Jack: Don’t remind me…

Rachel: I just have a tendency to go for the underdogs.

Cal: I’m the underdog?

Rachel: Duh. Especially in this fandom he is. Have you seen some of the rabid fans? They want your blood out there. (winks again) Okay. Now for best first name. Well, Cal tends to sound like something the dog coughed up, so I’m going to go with Jack.

Jack smirks.

Cal: Excuse me? Something the dog coughed up! What happened to Cal shipper, wink, wink? And I’ll have you know that if you were rich, you would not be saying that.

Rachel: This is true, but you see Rose?

Rose waves.

Rachel: Also not rich at the end of the movie. Point to Jack.

Jack: You should take off an extra point for the gross last name.

Cal: I’ll get rid of it. I’ll be like one of those artists. Think of it like Madonna or Cher. Cal.

Jack: Well, Cal, I still am winning by a few points!

Cal: How safe, exactly, do you think you are once we’ve left this room?

Rachel: No fighting!

Rose nudges Rachel in the ribs.

Rachel: That is, unless in the process you accidentally start ripping each other’s clothing off…

Cal: (rolls eyes) Women.

Rose and Rachel high five each other.

Rachel: Next…uh…best kisser? Wait. Didn’t we already do that? (starts looking through pages, confused)

Cal: (clears throat) Uh…Rachel…

Rachel looks up to see Jack already pinned against the wall by Rose with her lips securely locked to his in an embrace that can only be described as…well…

Rachel: (tilts head to the side and watches curiously) She looks pretty good at that…

Cal: Oh, yeah...

Rachel: Huh. You never suspect the quiet ones…

Cal: You should see what she can do with an apple.

Rachel: I’m not too sure I want to hear about that. (raises her voice) Uh…Rose, honey, let the man breathe. He’s shaking from lack of oxygen.

Cal: Yeah, and you can give him his tongue back while you’re at it. (mumbles dejectedly)

Rachel looks sad because Cal looks sad…wink.

Cal: (flinches) Stop doing that! You’re weirding me out.

Rose finally backs away and skips innocently back to her seat, leaving Jack in a state of confused shock. Jack blinks. Rose whispers to Rachel.

Rachel: I know, Rose; we already gave him the point. Okay. Let’s see what’s next.

Jack blinks.

Rachel: Jack, you can sit down now.

Jack blinks…slowly sits down…blinks.

Rachel: Okay. Point to Jack for being good at poker, point for being stronger, point for being taller…

Rose jabs Rachel in the ribs. The men watch curiously as the two girls whisper back and forth, occasionally looking up at them, smirking and then going back to their conversation. After an eruption of giggles, the girls straighten themselves and try their hardest to look serious.

Rachel: (scribbles something down on list) Right. Where were we?

Cal: Wait. What was all that about? What did you write down?

Rachel: Nothing. So, next…

Cal: I don’t believe you; let me see that. (gets up and looks at list)

Rachel: Fine. Whatever.

Cal: That’s not fair! Why does he get two points for being taller?

Jack starts paying attention. Rose giggles.

Rachel: Well…because.

Cal: What kind of an answer is that? And what were you two giggling about?

Rose looks at Rachel and shrugs.

Rachel: Fine. If you must know, he gets two points for being tall because, well…let’s face it. Bigger is better.

Rose starts giggling. Jack becomes strangely amused by the bumps on the wall again, yet one can see the faintest hint of a smile.

Cal: I don’t get it.

Jack chuckles.

Rachel: Never mind.

Cal: (sits, then looks at Jack) Shouldn’t you be busy glaring because the world did you wrong or something?

Jack: The world did do me wrong. I die, remember?

Cal: Yeah…so…get over it. It’s not like my life’s been a piece of cake either, ya know.

Jack’s jaw drops in stunned disbelief as he stares at the man in unquestionable anger before turning to Rachel.

Jack: Let me get this straight, now. All I have to do is take off my shirt and then I’m allowed to kick his pansy ass?

Cal: You’re not seriously considering…

Jack gives a glare of death.

Rachel: Uh…well…

The End.

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