"So what have you been doin' with yourself all these years?" Rick Peterson asked. He and the Kid were wandering through the large house and yards -- partly to give Rick a tour of the place, and partly so Kid could keep an eye on things, taking note of what needed to be done. This way, Kid fulfilled all his obligations, as host and as part-owner. Between Rick's visit and Jesse's illness... Things were sure going to be busy.
"Oh, this and that," Kid replied. "I was with the Pony Express the whole time that was runnin'. We were in Sweetwater for a while, but we moved to Rock Creek when some trouble started. That's where I met Louise, actually. We got married shortly before the Express finished, then bought this place."
"Just like that? You make it sound so easy, just buy a place, find a wife, and settle down."
Kid chuckled. "Well, it wasn't quite that easy," he told his friend about the storm, and how Buck and Emily came to each earn a third of the pXp.
"Sounds like you've had an eventful few months."
"Yeah," Kid agreed. "But you know what? I wouldn't trade them for anything. There's nothin' quite havin' family and friends around you."
"Mmmm," Rick was strangely quiet after that.
So much so that Kid began to worry, and changed the subject. "So, what about you? What have you been doin' since I left Virginia?"
"Oh, this and that," Rick said, wryly echoing Kid's earlier words. "I wandered from place to place, lookin' for work, but it wasn't easy. Most of the larger plantations didn't want to hire anyone, they had slaves; and the smaller places couldn't afford to pay me."
"Why didn't you leave Virginia and head west, like I did?"
"Unlike you, I never had any burnin' desire to leave the South."
Kid shot Rick a look. "I didn't have a 'burnin' desire' to leave."
"What would you call it, then?"
Kid shrugged. "When Ma died, I knew I had to earn some money. I couldn't keep the farm, and Pa and Jed were gone. I just figured I would be better off out west."
"What about Doritha? Why didn't you send for her like you said you would?"
"I meant to, but life out west wasn't as easy as I thought. Things were rough for quite a while, I wasn't about to bring her into that. Then, as time passed, I just began to forget about her. I was only fifteen. About that time, she married Garth."
"Yeah, well, we all know how that turned out."
"Look, Rick, what are you sayin'? That I might've spared her from her fate if I had sent for her? I'll save you the trouble. I went through all this in my mind, over and over again when Doritha tracked me to Rock Creek! She asked me to run away with her, but I had fallen in love with Lou, and couldn't. Maybe it's for the best."
"For the best?" Rick exclaimed incredulously. "Kid, she was killed because of what Garth was up to. Anything would've been better than that."
"We don't know that, Rick. What if I had run away with her? Somethin' just as bad or worse could have happened, to me, to her, maybe even to Lou! We just don't know, and it don't do any good to dwell on what mightta been."
"Since when did you thing like that? You used to dwell on such things all the time."
"Yeah, well, when ghosts from my past, and Lou's, turned up, we learned to focus on the future instead of the past."
"The future, yeah that's what we have to think about."
There was something in Rick's tone. "What are you thinkin' about?" Kid asked his friend.
For a long moment, Rick did not answer. "The War."
"Oh," was all Kid replied. That was a forbidden subject at the pXp. Too much of what they held dear was on either side of that bloody conflict; and one of their family had been lost already. But Rick had no way of knowing all this, and he just on his merry course of conversation.
"Yeah," Rick continued. "I was thinkin' of signin' up, joinin' the South in fightin' the Feds."
"What?! " That statement stopped Kid in his tracks.
"You heard me."
"But why? I mean, you've always been a peaceful fella."
"I'd like to think I still am." Rick paused for a moment. "But things change, Kid. Times change. You don't know what it's like back home, Kid. Men of all ages are rallyin' under the Bonnie Blue Flag."
"Rick, the 'Bonnie Blue' was phased out a year ago." Kid pointed out dryly. He hadn't been back home in years, and even he knew that.
"You know what I mean." Rick said. "The point is everyone is all fired up about savin' the Confederacy. It's contagious!"
"It's all propaganda."
"Maybe. But you can easily see the truth. The Federal Government would not let us live our lives the way we had been for hundreds of years. We left the Almighty Union so we could live our lives in peace, but they won't let us! They are the ones who started the War, not us!"
"So you believe in the War?"
"I'm beginnin' to, yeah. For a while, I didn't have an opinion one way or another, as you say, I've always been a man of peace."
"So what changed your mind?" Kid wanted to know.
Rick shrugged. "This and that. I just began to see things more clearly, and I know where my loyalties lie. Joinin' the Army just seems like the logical thing to do."
"So, what are you doin'? If you're so all fired up about fightin', why are you here?"
"I wanted to see you. I wanted to tell you what I was thinkin' of."
"You could have done that in a letter," Kid pointed out.
"True," Rick shrugged again. "But, there's also somethin' I wanted to ask you, somethin' I couldn't ask in a letter." He hesitated.
"What?" When no answer was forthcoming, Kid turned to look his old friend in the eye. "Rick, you came three thousand miles to ask me a question. What is it? Or are you gonna ask me later?"
"No..." Rick exhaled and looked away for a moment, seemingly trying to gather his courage. "I've always known your were patriotic., that you were loyal to Virginia."
"Yeah, go on," Kid had a suspicion as to where this was heading.
"Well I wanted to know if you'll come back home and fight with me."
Kid's suspicions were right. "Say again?" he asked disbelievingly.
"I want to know if you'll come back to Virginia and fight with me."
"Yeah, that's what I thought you said," Kid turned away. "You want to know if I'll turn away from my wife and family, and everythin' that I've tried to build here, to go back to a Virginia that I hardly know any more, and fight for her?"
"In a nutshell, yeah."
Kid was silent for a long moment. "Well, it ain't that simple," he said finally. "There's a lot to think about." Abruptly he started walking again, motioning for Rick to follow. "So, is there anything else you want to see?" he asked his old friend, his tone and demeanour clearly stating that he wanted to change the subject.
"What do you mean, he needs all the strength he can get?" Teresa asked, suddenly frightened, though she knew not why.
"Listen to his breathin'," Lou answered. Jesse's breathing was harsh and ragged, even more so that before. "I'm afraid he's got pnuemonia."
"Without gettin' a doctor to check him out, how can you tell?"
"Technically, I can't," Lou admitted. "But from the sound of his breathin' that's that it looked like. If I'm right, he's got a long recovery ahead of him. After what he's already been through, he'll need all the strength he can muster just to pull through,"
"What were you talkin' about when we came in. About Cody and Noah?" Teresa asked Buck.
Lou and Buck exchanged a glance. Should they tell her? Having never actually met Noah, Jeremiah and Teresa were not told any of the details that surrounded his death; the fight, or Jesse's part in it. Lou had know way of knowing how much Teresa had figured out when Jesse had hidden them from McKenna and Phillips, short of asking her. But she knew that both her younger siblings regarded young Jesse James with some sort of hero worship. Would telling Teresa the whole story end that hero worship? Would that shatter her completely? Lou's confusion was mirrored in Buck's deep brown eyes. There were no easy answers.
"It's a long story, honey, one that would take too long to tell. The thing is, it's somethin' that makes Jesse feel real bad. If he's thinkin' about that now, he might not want to fight the pneumonia."
"So we have to make him realise that he's got somethin' to fight for," Teresa said.
"Well, yeah, only because he's got a fever, it's not gonna be easy." Buck smiled at the rather frightened girl. "Do you think you can handle it?"
Resolution flared in Teresa's blue-grey eyes, and she smiled bravely. "Just tell me what to do."
"Well, for now, all you need to do it sit by his bed and wipe his brow, try to bring the fever down. Talk to him if he becomes agitated. I thought you said last night that you knew what to do."
"Oh, but I do," Teresa grinned unexpectedly. "I just wanted to make sure I remembered everythin'." Taking the seat that Buck had just vacated, she expertly began wiping Jesse's brow.
Lou and Buck exchanged another look. "Will you be all right on your own?" Lou asked her sister. "Buck needs some rest, and we have chores to do." Teresa nodded, barely looking up from her task. "Okay, I'll be back later, to see how things are goin'."
Teresa barely noticed that her sister and half-brother had left, so intent on her task was she. Jesse was still wailing "You don't understand!" over and over again. These words haunted her, like they had Buck; it almost seemed to her as if her were pleading with some unseen person, someone only seen in his mind. Whoever it was, they had him quite distraught.
In any case, at this point, all she could do was soothe him. "Shh, Jesse, shh," she murmured over and over again.
"You don't understand!" Jesse cried out, staring into the swirling mass of the faces of everyone he had ever known, a cacophony of voices, high pitched and deep, loud and soft, the same chant uttered by this myriad. Everywhere he turned, the faced, the voiced, all haunting him. "Which side are you on, Jesse?"
"It's not fair! You don't understand!" Jesse cried.
"We don't understand?" Two voices, and the faces that went with them stood out from the rest, and after a moment, the cacophony faded leaving the two: his brother Frank James, and his late friend, Noah Dixon.
"You betrayed me," Noah's voice grew louder, no longer just a disembodied head he advanced on Jesse menacingly. "You sold me out to help your brother in a cause that promotes slavery, and takes the freedom away from people like me. And that betrayal got me killed."
"No, Noah, I didn't mean for that to happen. But I had to tell Frank; he's my brother. I've always known that I had to help family."
"But we were your family too, Jesse," Noah said. "Yet you betrayed us. You killed me."
"That was never meant to happen. I never wanted to hurt you. No one was supposed to get hurt!"
Noah snorted. "What did you think was gonna happen, Jesse?"
"I don't know!" Jesse shook his head as if to clear it. He found himself on a wide, open prairie, alone, except for Noah and Frank. He turned to Noah. "All I know is, when you died, I had to set things straight. So I told Teaspoon where to find the man who killed you."
"Yeah, by betraying your own brother." Frank's voice cut in.
"But you weren't there, Frank. I knew you weren't gonna be with Pierson."
"You don't know the meanin' of family!" Frank said derisively. "When things got tough, you betray your own side."
"No, that's not true! That's not true!" Jesse covered his ears and shrank back from the advancing forms, but he found there was nowhere to go. "No no no!"
"Shh, Jesse, shh." What was that? Cutting through the accusations was a calm, soothing, child-like voice. All of a sudden, Frank and Noah disappeared, leaving him alone on the vast prairie. The soothing voice continues. "Shh, Jesse, shh." Calm, child-like, familiar. Very familiar, a voice he heard not so long before...
"Teresa?" he asked aloud, looking around, but he could see no one. "Teresa McCloud? Is that you, Teresa?"
"Easy now, Jesse, shh." The prairie, everything, disappeared.
Teresa was aware of a change in Jesse. His weak, crescendo wail "You don't understand!" grew to a more intense, slightly less coherent conversation with someone only he could see. She continued soothing him, hoping that it was doing some good. Suddenly, unexpectedly, he said her name.
"Easy now, Jesse, shh," she said, shifting position slightly to wipe his brow.
His eyes popped open. Looking around wildly, he asked: "Where am I?"
"Hey there," Teresa said gently. "You're at the pXp." Seeing his blank look, she added. "Kid's place."
"How'd I get here?"
"I dunno. Buck found you, and brought you here, How are you feelin'?"
"My head hurts. So does my throat. And my chest." Jesse's voice had turned into a harsh whisper.
"Shh, don't try to talk too much. Louise thinks that you have pneumonia." Teresa placed her hand on Jesse's forehead. "You still feel rather warm. Not surprising, you've had a fever. You were mumblin' a lot."
"What was I sayin'?"
"You kept sayin' 'you don't understand' a lot. You also mentioned some names; Frank and Noah. I know that Frank is your brother. Who is Noah? Is he the same Noah that Kid and Louise knew?"
Jesse nodded and looked away for a moment.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
He shook his head. Let's just say that I have done somethin' that I'll never be able to make up for."
To be continued...
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