Hidden Secrets

Lou closed the diary, tears blurring her vision. Her mother had been through so much, and she was concerned that her children wouldn't forgive her? If anything, Lou would be the one who needed forgiveness, after Jeremiah and Teresa read the diary and discovered her lie.

Of course there was the matter of their half-brother. If things had been different, Lou supposed that she might have been angry at this revelation; but after what she had seen and done, what her mother asked her to do, she could understand why her mother had not said anything. Lou was only eight years old at the time. How could she understand that her new friend was her brother? And the others were just babies. Maybe if she had lived, MaryLouise might have told then when they grew older, but not under the fiction that their father was a good man who had died a long time ago. How could she explain it? Besides, she never expected to see Running Buck again.

Lou now had a different dilemma. Both Jeremiah and Teresa knew about their mother's diary, and both wanted to read it. She would not be able to hold them off for long saying that they were too young to understand.

"What do I do, Ma?" she asked silently. "What can I do?"

"What's the matter?"

Lou jumped as the Kid knelt in front of her. "What are you doin' up here, Kid?"

"I came up to get changed for supper, and to tell you that supper was almost ready. I figured you wouldn't notice the time."

She smiled faintly. "Thanks. I'd better go downstairs and see if Rosa needs a hand."

Kid took Lou's hand as she stood. "Teresa's helpin' her. Are you all right? It looked as if you were cryin' when I came in."

"I'm fine."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Now's not the time, Kid. It can wait." Lou slipped her hand out of Kid's light grasp, kissed him softly and walked out.

He watched her leave with mixed feelings. Something troubled him. She looked pale, haunted. Troubled by ghosts of the past. Kid picked up the diary his wife had discarded, open to the last entry. It had been practically an obsession with her these last two days. He knew that it contained secrets, secrets hidden for the past twelve years. Were they meant to be kept? Or was Lou meant to discover them, allow them to dredge up the unwanted memories of her father that she had buried for so many years and kept from her siblings?

There was something else. There was more in the diary than just descriptions of Boggs' cruelty. Lou was strong, she could cope with that. But whatever she had just read sure had her asunder. She was so distant, more so than of late, almost like she was in the weeks that followed her miscarriage. That was a life-shattering experience. What could possibly be in the diary that was that life-shattering? He began to read.

Upon her arrival in the kitchen, Lou found that things were indeed as Kid had said. Teresa was helping Rosa prepare supper, and there was not much left for Lou to do. So she set about alternating between setting the table and watching Jeremiah and Buck argue about the merits of carrying a gun. Normally this was not the sort of conversation she would entertain having with her younger brother, believing that he was far too young to handle a gun; but she could see that Buck was trying to dissuade Jeremiah from his fascination with guns, so she left them alone.

She had just finished her task when Rosa rang the dinner bell. It was hardly needed, but Jeremiah thought it was great fun, so it became a tradition. A moment later Kid came down smiling, but the smile did not seem to reach his eyes.

Lou looked at him intently, and instantly knew that he had read that last entry. To be sure she mouthed the word "diary".

Kid nodded, then he ever-so-slightly inclined his head toward Buck and shrugged. Lou shrugged back and mouthed "later".

Jeremiah watched this exchange with great interest. "What do you think is goin' on?" he asked Buck.

"I think that is their business," Buck replied, frowning. He too had seen the exchange and noticed that it seemed to involve him. Still, it would not do any good to mention it now, since neither thought it was desirable supper conversation. Maybe they will mention it later.

McCaffrey was not happy. He knew that Buck Cross was trouble. All Indians were, in his opinion, and "half-breeds" were worse. Problem was, apart from his henchmen and the others who chased Cross the day before, no one would take him at face value. Lone Tree Valley's marshal, Gavin Pierce, listened to his story, but he also listened to the Kid's side of things when he came into town to buy some lumber. The Kid passed on Cross' story about the money being a bounty, providing the name of Seneca's marshal, and inviting him to check the story out. Pierce agreed to do so, and decreed that Buck Cross was to stay unmolested at the old Sutherland ranch until there was proof one way or another of McCaffrey's accusations.

This meant that Cross was allowed to roam free for the time being. As far as McCaffrey and others were concerned, it was a mistake to let an Indian or even a half-breed to have then run of any decent town. And they were going to do something about it -- with or without the marshal's help. After all, Pierce could hardly exonerate him if he was dead with proof that he was a thief.

The plan was simple. McCloskey would lead his best horse over to the old Sutherland place and leave him there, where Cross was sure to see it. Cross would be sure to investigate this lone horse. The minute McCloskey or Jacobson saw Cross with the horse, they would shoot him for horse stealing. It would be justifiable and their would be one less Indian in the world.

McCaffrey smiled grimly to himself. The plan was fool-proof, but it was a bad time indeed when good people had to resort to tactics such as this. Even fool-proof plans can blow up in your face, and he intended to be there to make sure nothing went awry.

"Buck, can we talk to you for a minute?" Lou kept her tone light for the benefit of Jeremiah and Teresa, not wanting to worry them. Yet there was an underlying edge to her voice belying the lightness of her tone, something that both Buck and the Kid recognised.

"Sure." Buck said nothing else until the three of them were in Lou and Kid's bedroom with the door safely closed behind them. "What is it, Lou? You look as though you're about to tell me I'm dyin' or something."

She smiled faintly. "It's not that bad. At least, I don't think so. But I do need to ask you some difficult questions, and I hope that I don't hurt you."

"Is this about the money?" Buck asked suspiciously.

"No, nothing like that. It's about something Ma wrote in her diary."

Buck raised an eyebrow. "About me?" he asked with a touch of disbelief in his voice.

"Maybe." Lou hesitated, and Kid, having read that last entry and having an idea of what Lou was going on about, took her hand in a gesture of comfort and support.

She took a deep breath. Where to begin? "Buck, do you remember a time when you were, I dunno, about five or so, going on a walk or something and passing a wagon that had broken down on the side of the road?"

Kid shot his wife a look, wondering what she was getting at. But Buck seemed to take it in his stride. "Vaguely," their friend replied. "After all, I was only five. How did you know about that?"

Lou ignored the question. "Can you remember what happened?"

"Not really. I think it was a family, mother father and a child. My mother got real angry at the man for some reason, screamin' at him in a way that I had never seen before. I remember that. But not much more. I'm sorry."

"That's okay."

"What's that got to do with anything anyway? It happened over fifteen years ago."

"You'll see. Buck, what do you know about your father?"

Buck's eyes narrowed and the expression on his face hardened. "Lou..."

"I know these aren't happy memories, and you'd rather not know, but it's important. Did anyone in your tribe ever mention anything about your father to you?"

"Not really. No one wanted to talk about it, and I never wanted to know anyway. There was one time though, I must've been about eight or nine, a white woman stayed with us for a while. I don't remember much about her, but I think she may have been connected with him. She had some children, two just babies and a girl about my age. We played together I think."

"Do you remember her name?"

"No, I never knew it. They were given Indian names. I can't remember the woman's name, or the babies, but the girl was called..."

"Dawn's Raven," he and Lou said together.

"How did you know?" Buck asked, incredulous.

"Like I know that your mother's name was Raven Moon? Am I right?"

"Lou, the only way you could possibly know that is if..."

"I was there?" Lou finished. "Well I was. I didn't remember until I read Ma's diary, but just after we escaped from Boggs we hid with some Kiowa Indians for about a week, until we could get out safely. Ma wrote it all down in the diary, includin' the incident where your mother passed the broken down wagon sixteen years ago."

"But that would mean that it was your family that was there."

"It was. I don't remember it at all, but I was only four. Ma wrote it all down includin' the reason why Raven Moon was screamin' at Boggs. It's all in here." Lou handed Buck the diary, opened to the entry dated April twenty-one, 1846.

Quietly Jeremiah crept up to the door of the Kid and Louise's bedroom. It was closed, as he expected, but he could still faintly hear voices on the other side. After all the lectures Kid and Louise had given him about eavesdropping he knew that what he was doing was wrong, but there was something about that diary they were keeping from him; he could feel it. All the secret looks and private conversations. Now Lou wanted to tell Buck something in it before her own brother? Maybe they were planning something...

That was it. He had long suspected that Louise did not want them. Why else would she leave him and Teresa in the orphanage all those years? Sure she said that she meant to come for them when she had a place to look after them, but did she really mean it? They had never heard hide nor hair from her in five years, not until that man, Boggs, came for them claiming to be their father. Then she came running, but she put them right back in the orphanage. Couldn't she have kept them then? Okay, maybe not. She was still riding for the Pony Express then, and no one was supposed to know that she was a girl, but still...

But what could Louise be planning with Buck and the Kid? And what would that have to do with the diary? Was he missing something? The only was he could find out is by listening...

McCloskey looked around nervously. Not for the first time he was having doubts about this plan. He was sure he wanted to get that damned Indian, he knew that much. But this idea of entrapment seemed a little to hit-or-miss for him. What if it were one of the children who found the horse, or one of the Andrews? They would be shot by the trigger-happy Jacobson, and there was no way Marshal Pierce would believe they were stealing the horse. And Jacobson would not take the time to distinguish between any of them. As far as he was concerned, they were equally as guilty for harbouring Cross, and McCloskey knew that McCaffrey felt the same. The only difference was: McCaffrey would draw the line at shooting the children...or would he? It was hard to tell with McCaffrey.

Nevertheless, McCaffrey said that the plan was foolproof, and if McCloskey valued his life, he had to follow through. Sighing, he carefully removed the rope from around the horse's neck. He had picked a fine Palomino, called Fire Eater, as bait. Fire Eater was not necessarily McCloskey's best horse, but he knew that the Palomino would stand out against the night as opposed to a darker horse.

Slapping Fire Eater on the flank, McCloskey urged him on, and settled down to wait in the cold night; his breath producing little puffs of hardly visible steam.

Lou watched in agony as Buck read the diary. Wondering what he would think. Wondering if would reject them the way he rejected his unknown father. Unknown...until now. Buck's facial expression as he studied the diary was unreadable, Lou had no way of telling how he was taking the revelations therein. Even after he finished reading the last entry and put the book down, he was silent, just staring into empty space, his deep brown eyes hooded. As Buck's silence grew longer, Lou began to despair.

Sensing Lou's anxiety, Kid slid both arms around her and held her close. He only had time to read the last entry, so he had some idea of what was going on, but not all of it. But just the finding out the identity of his father, and the fact it was Boggs of all people, would be enough of a shock.

"Are you all right, Buck?" Kid asked finally.

Buck was slow to respond, and when he did it was to talk to Lou. "Is there any doubt?"

Lou slowly disengaged herself from Kid's arms and shook her head. "Not if Raven Moon recognised him. Ma never had any doubt, not after he admitted to her. From what I know and remember of him, he was the kinda man who would..." Lou trailed off as she saw a dangerous glint in Buck's eyes.

"I could kill him," he said with a deceptive calm, looking over at the Kid. "I could kill him for what he did to her, if you hadn't already beat me to it. If he was alive..."

Lou broke down at that point, memories of Wicks and her own rape surfacing. "I'm sorry, Buck," she said through her tears. "I'm sorry for all the pain your mother went through. I'm sorry for what he did to you."

"It's not your fault, Lou." Tears were forming in Buck's eyes also as he drew Lou into a comforting, brotherly embrace. "You are not responsible for anythin' your father did before you were born, and I would be proud to call you my sister."

"Sins of the father," Kid spoke softly.

Both Lou and Buck turned to look at him. "What?" they asked.

"It's an old Bible quote. 'The sins of the father are visited on the son'...or somethin' like that." He shrugged. "It seemed appropriate."

"Did you mean it? About bein' proud to call me your sister?" Lou asked Buck.

"Of course I did. You and Jeremiah and Teresa. You're already like family to me anyway."

"Even though it would mean owning that..."

"That Boggs was my father?" Buck finished the sentence as Lou nodded. "Well, I can disown Boggs with out disowning you guys. Isn't that what you did when you told the children that he wasn't your father?"

Lou nodded again. "That's gonna be hard to explain, too. How do we tell them that you're their half brother if they don't know about Boggs?"

Before either Buck or the Kid could answer. there came a loud whinnying from outside, but not from the direction of the half-patched stables.

The words grew muffled, and Jeremiah could no longer hear what they were talking about. For the longest time nobody said anything, at least as far as he could make out. Then Louise was practically screaming, but grew quiet again. He shuffled impatiently. I wish I knew what was goin' on, Jeremiah thought.

Then he heard the whinnying from outside. Knowing that the others would investigate, and fearing he would be caught eavesdropping, Jeremiah slowing backed away from the door -- but not before it opened and Kid appeared.

"What are you doin' here?" Kid asked, frowning.

Ignoring the question, and hoping Kid would forget to ask again, the thirteen-year-old pointed to the side door, the one that lead straight outside and down to the ground. "Did you hear the horse? Do you think that one of ours got out?"

"Don't think so, it sounded further away. Wait in the house with Teresa while we check it out."

Jeremiah watched Buck, Louise and the Kid left, then glanced into the open bedroom. There, lying on the bed, was his mother's diary. He had not been told that he could read the diary, but he had not exactly been forbidden to either. All he'd been told one way or the other was that Louise may want him to wait until he was older. If there was something in there that concerned him now, then he should read it, he reasoned, whether his big sister agreed or not. He quickly darted into the bedroom, grabbed the diary, and hid it in his room.

The night was dark, almost pitch black. No moon out, hardly any stars, but Fire Eater stood out like a beacon when Kid shined the lamp on him. "Whoa, boy," he called soothingly. "Where did you come from?"

Lou and Buck slowly approached the Palomino. "He looks kinda like Sundancer," Lou commented, "but it can't be. Last I heard Jimmy was in Kansas."

"It's not Sundancer," Buck said. "Sundancer's lighter. This horse is more golden. But he belongs to someone, that's for sure. He's too well taken care of to be a wild horse."

"Think he could belong to Indians?"

Buck lifted the left foreleg and checked the hoof. "Nope, he's got shoes. Indian ponies ain't shod."

"That looks like Fire Eater," a fourth voice called from behind them.

The ex-riders turned to see Jeremiah approach. "I thought I told you to wait in the house with Teresa," Kid admonished.

"Rosa's with her. What's Fire Eater doin' all the way out here?"

"Who's Fire Eater?" Lou wanted to know.

"Mr. McCloskey's horse. Tim was tellin' me about him in school once. Tim wants to have Fire Eater when he gets older, but his father won't let him."

"Great!" Buck had not forgotten about McCaffrey, McCloskey or the others. "Next thing you'll know, they'll lynch me for bein' a horse thief."

"Do I need to?"

To be continued......