This is a very disturbing fanfic that's a crossover between my two favorite animes, Fushigi Yuugi and The Vision of Escaflowne…plus, I put two of my friends into it (Drew and Dave) and myself twice.
OH! And there's this drugged out kindergarten teacher…I just plain old made her up.
*Dilandau strokes his scar*
Dilandau: I hate that bastard Van. What the fuck? Why the fuck did that son of a bitch have to give me this shitty scar and mess up my beautiful face? Why?
*Dilandau continues mumbling to himself about this*
*Nuriko, in a beautiful dress, enters the room*
Nuriko: You know, you probably shouldn't do that…it could cause an infec…
*Nuriko is swiftly slapped across the face by Dilandau*
*Nuriko rubs his face and sits down. He looks off stage right*
Nuriko: I wonder where *swoons* Hotohori-sama is…he was supposed to be here…
*Dilandau doesn't look up…he still is rubbing his scar*
*Hotohori enters the room in a ravishing kimono*
*Nuriko swoons again*
Nuriko: OH!!! Hotohori-sama! You came! I'm so glad that you came! Good for you that you're facing the fact that you have a problem!
*We notice now that Hotohori was being pushed on-stage by Tamahome and Chiriko. They are both out of breath*
Hotohori: I didn't want to come. I don't have a problem. They made me come *motions to the two senshi who are now panting* I guess I'm here for moral support.
Nuriko: Oh, well. That's okay. I'm sure that they can help you too. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. I guess you just haven't reached that step.
*Nuriko now turns back to Dilandau, who is still sitting, rubbing his scar*
Nuriko: This is the meeting of the Persons Who Are Confused As To Their Sexuality, isn't it?
Dilandau: You. You are a bastard bitch, you whore. Yes. Yes, this is. I am here with that bastard Allen Schezar. I hate him and am intent on destroying him and everything else in this world. Do you have a problem with that?
*Nuriko sits back, very scared*
Nuriko (to Hotohori & co.): Well, I guess this is the place. Are the others coming? It would be a shame for them to miss this.
Chiriko: Well >pant< you see >pant< they >pant< said they'd >pant< be in in a minute >pant<.
Tamahome: Yeah, they met some guy in the hall. *he looks very ticked off* All blond hair and blue eyes and Yui's swooning all over him. Miaka tried to pretend that she didn't find him attractive, but she was drooling. I felt so uncomfortable that I had to leave.
*Miaka and Yui, swooning, enter stage left, with Allen, carrying a cup of water, Chichiri, Mitsukake, and Tasuki follow, rolling their eyes*
Allen (to Dilandau): Hey, Dilandau, here's your water. I hope everything was okay while I was gone?
Dilandau (taking cup and chugging down the water): I will not thank you. Make a note of that. You are the ugliest, girliest bastard in the world. *stops and thinks* well, next to this guy at least *motions towards Hotohori, who looks offended*
Miaka: You know, Yui, this guy is the cutest guy that ever lived *spots Tamahome right in hearing distance* Next to my Tamahome, of course.
Yui: Yeah, definitely.
*Chichiri taps them on the shoulders*
Chichiri: Girls, you're making a puddle on the ground no da. Why don't you sit down? Here.
*Very gentlemanly, Chichiri pulls out two chairs for Yui and Miaka*
Yui & Miaka: Thank you, Chichiri.
*Tasuki and Tamahome, noticing that Chichiri got attention from the girls, rush over to them with candies and flowers. The Girls don't notice*
*A woman enters the room in a plaid jumper. She reminds EVERYONE of a kindergarten teacher. She asks everyone to sit down in the chairs, which are situated in a circle. Then, she stands in the middle of the circle waiting for everyone to quiet down*
Woman: Hello. My name is Mrs. Katrighim. Welcome to the Persons Who Are Confused As To Their Sexuality. This is an anonymous group that lets both people who are confused about what sex they are and what sexual preference they are speak out. First, we'll go around the room and introduce ourselves…we'll start with…
*Tasuki raises his hand*
Mrs. Katrighim: Yes?
Tasuki: Yeah. If we introduce ourselves, wouldn't that kinda defeat the purpose of an ANONYMOUS group?
Mrs. Katrighim: *thinks* well…um…nevermind. We'll start with you, the funny-looking man/woman rubbing his/her scar. Please state your name, occupation, hobbies, and what your problem is.
*Dilandau looks up. He stands up and walks to the center of the circle*
Dilandau: My name is Dilandau Albatau. I am a dragonslayer. I slay dragons. I also slay annoying boys, beauty queens, cats, and bitches in my free time. I pilot the guymelef, Alseides. Oh, and, uh, I don't have any problems.
Allen: Well, I wouldn't say that.
Dilandau: What do you mean by that, sissy-boy?
Allen: Well, you haven't gotten any…*thinks*…ever.
*The ENTIRE room gasps.*
*Dilandau looks around for something to distract attention, but doesn't find anything*
Dilandau: Er…um…I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!!!!
*he runs and sits down in his seat. Mrs. Katrighim motions to Allen that it's his turn*
Allen: Well, my name is Allen Schezar. I am a Knight Caeli of Asturia. That means Heavenly Knight, for those of you who don't know. In my spare time, I like to seduce women who are almost a generation younger than me. I do not have a problem. I am here with my sister, who is having some problems. You'll see her later, I guarantee.
*Allen sits down. Mrs. Katrighim asks Tasuki, who is very reluctant, to talk*
Tasuki: *rubs his head* um…my name is Tasuki. I am a seishi. A Suzaku Seishi. I serve Suzaku No Miko, Miaka. In my spare time, I practice new tricks with my fan and burn Monster-chan.
*Tamahome gives Tasuki an upper-cut*
Tasuki: er…I'm here with Nuriko and Hotohori.
*he sits down, weeping over his hurt jaw*
Mrs. Katrighim (to Tamahome): Sir or Madam, I am sorry, but here we do not resort to physical violence. Threatening and the like is allowed, but violence is not allowed. Please, will you speak next?
Tamahome: My name is Tamahome. I am also a Suzaku Seishi. I serve and protect Suzaku No Miko, Miaka. In my spare time, I fantasize about actually getting some nookie from Miaka instead of just a hug or something. I don't have any problems, except for my temper.
*Miaka jumps up and pulls Yui to come up with her*
Miaka: Hi!
Yui: Hi!
*Dilandau glares at their over-enthusiasm so early on a Saturday morning*
Miaka: I am a junior high student, and Suzaku No Miko.
Yui: I am an honors junior high student, and Seiryuu No Miko.
Miaka: In my spare time, I like to think about Tamahome, and I usually am being attempted rape upon.
Yui: In my spare time, I like to think about Tamahome, and some way to get Nakago's earring out of my ear. I also like to change into an ugly serpent creature.
Miaka & Yui: We don't have any problems. We're here with Nuriko and Hotohori!
*by this time, Dilandau looks like he will strangle anyone in the room if there is any more perkiness displayed, and Hotohori looks either ticked off or embarrassed, we can't tell which*
Chiriko: Hi, I'm Chiriko!
*Suddenly, Dilandau jumps up and starts strangling Chiriko, until he dies. Everyone rejoices, except Mitsukake, who rushes to his side to save him, but Dilandau strangles him, too, and there are now two dead, boring people, and everyone is very happy, except for Mrs. Katrighim, who looks despleased*
Mrs. Katrighim: now, Dilandau, I'm very disappointed in you. I know we all thought those two characters were annoying and pointless, and that they just made clutter, but still, you shouldn't have strangled them. At least not in the middle of the circle, because now we have to clean this mess up. Shame.
*Dilandau seems very meak because of his scolding and hauls the two bodies outside into the hall garbage can*
Chichiri: Daa. My name is Chichiri no da. I am also a Suzaku Seishi no da. In my spare time, I like to fish no da. I don't really have a problem, but I did kill the last guy that cheated on my girlfriend no da.
*everyone in the room is silent*
Hotohori: Hello. My name is Hotohori. I am a Suzaku Seishi and emporer of Konan country. In my spare time, I like to look into a mirror, and I do NOT have a problem with my sexuality. I love my empress very much and I had the biggest crush on Miaka.
*everyone rolls their eyes*
Hotohori: I am NOT gay!
*everyone rolls their eyes*
Hotohori: I'm not!
*everyone rolls their eyes*
Nuriko: You may not be gay, but you LOOK like a girl.
*everyone giggles*
Hotohori: I do not!
*everyone rolls their eyes*
Mrs. Katrighim: please, sit down. Miss, I think you're the last to go.
*meanwhile, across the room, Dilandau is changing into Serena, and Allen is gagging him so he doesn't scream*
Nuriko: Hi. My name is Nuriko. I am a Suzaku Seishi and I was until recently a courtesan. In my spare time, I like to think about Miaka and Hotohori. I had a sister name Kourin, and she died. I started dressing like a woman, and thinking like a woman, and fell in love with Hotohori, and then I faced facts that my real, true identity was male and that I should dress and think male, so then I fell in love with Miaka.
*the room is silent as they think this through, and then there is a knock at the door*
Mrs. Katrighim: come in.
*the door opens, and two, very homely, yet skimpily dressed women come in. One has a fro' and a 5-o'clock shadow, and the other has VERY yellow, curly hair. They nod at the teacher and go to sit down. However, there is only one more chair left, so the bigger one sits on the smaller one's lap*
Mrs. Katrighim: We were just finishing up introducing ourselves. Would you two like to introduce yourselves?
*the two stand up*
#1: hi, my name is Drew. I'm a high school student. In my spare time, I act. I am a crossdresser, but mainly, I'm here with Dave.
#2: hi, my name's Dave. Wassup? I'm a high school student and a swing dance instructor and I work at HMV. in my spare time, which I have none of, I like to hang out with my boyfriend and have fights with Kerry, the author of this fanfic. *waves at audience* um…I'm gay and a crossdresser.
*the two sit back down on each other*
Mrs. Katrighim: I think that's it, now that we all know each…
*Allen raises his hand*
Mrs. Katrighim: Yes, Allen?
Allen: my sister hasn't introduced herself yet…
Mrs. Katrighim: *looks around* well, she's not here yet, so I don't think that she can introduce herself.
Serena: I'm right here.
Mrs. Katrighim: oh, I see. We have a person here who's sex has been altered by a Fate Altering Machine. I had one of those in my Tuesday class this week.
Serena: hi. My name is Serena Schezar. I don't have a job. I don't have any hobbies. Well, there was that time I almost ate a snail, and that other time when I crushed the butterfly, so I guess I like to kill animals. I have an alter ego, who's name is Dilandau, and I would like to learn how to supress him.
*everyone claps*
Mrs. Katrighim: so, now that we all have introduced ourselves, I would like you to split into groups. I would like all the pretty-boys…that's Allen, Chichiri, and Hotohori to go over there.
*Chichiri looks dazed*
Mrs. Katrighim: and all the gays and cross-dressers over there. That'd be Dave, Drew, and Nuriko. All the people who don't get any over there. That's Miaka, Tamahome, Dilandau, Serena, that fanged kid, and Yui.
*Tasuki's fangs start to glow, and he pokes at them*
Mrs. Katrighim: Now, I want the virgins to make a presentation on how they can lose their virginity, the pretty-boys to make a presentation on how they could stop wearing make-up and masks and going to the salon each week for a manicure, and the gays to make a presentation on gay pride. Drew, just pretend that you're gay. Okay, get to work.
*the three groups start to get to work. Nuriko, Drew and Dave have completely bonded, and Nuriko might go on a double date with Dave this weekend. They are cutting pictures out of magazines to make a collage. Allen and Hotohori are fighting over who's better-looking, and finally they come to the agreement that it doesn't matter, because they are the two best-looking people in the room. Then, they turn to Chichiri, who's hair is sticking up even more than normal, and they continue to give him a full makeover. Meanwhile, Tamahome ans Tasuki are planning a wild orgy to lose their virginity at while Miaka, Yui, and Serena talk about how to get boyfriends, or better boyfriends and possibly get married and then have sex.*
Mrs. Katrighim: Is everyone finished? We'll hear from the girly-boys first.
*Hotohori and Allen lift Chichiri up out of his seat and guide him to the center of the circle. He has a paper bag over his head*
Allen: We were told to find some way of keeping ourselves from going to the salon every week and getting maincures.
Hotohori: And we thought of how to do it.
Allen & Hotohori: We just give someone else a makeover!
*they lift the paper bag off of Chichiri's head. His cheeks are blushed, his lips have body, his eyelashes are 3" long, and his hair is curly and froffy like Goldi Locks*
Chichiri: I feel so embarassed no da.
*Allen and Hotohori sit down, and Chichiri follows*
Mrs. Katrighim: well, that was very…er…interesting. Next, is the gay boys.
*Dave, Drew, and Nuriko stand up with a poster that has a picture of a naked man on it. Different parts are from different pictures.*
Dave & Drew: This is a naked man.
Dave & Nuriko: we think that he's very cute.
Drew: I just think he's nice.
*the three bow and sit down*
Mrs. Katrighim: the virgins have infromed me that they have split into two different groups. The first is Serena, Miaka, and Yui, and they are going to read us a poem.
Serena: In the morning I wake up.
Miaka: But I'm by myself.
Yui: I need a man in my cup
Serena: Don't put him up on the sh…*Serena suddenly, painfully, turns back into Dilandau, who runs around the room screaming 'moero' and lighting matches*
Miaka & Yui: oh, shit. We can't finish now. The end.
Mrs. Katrighim: please, take your seats, security has been called to take care of the crazed pyro. And now for the pathetic virgin presentation by Tamahome and the fang boy.
Tamahome: this is our idea, see.
Tasuki: What do you mean, 'fang boy?'
Tamahome: it's your line, Tasuki…
Tasuki: Oh, yeah…A WILD, DRUNKEN ORGY!!!
*everyone rolls their eyes*
Tamahome: No! not just like any wild orgy…it's a wild, DRUNKEN orgy! Free alcohol for everyone who gets an orgasm!!!
*all the men, except Nuriko and Dave, who jump on each other, jump onto Miaka, Yui, and Mrs. Katrighim, and everyone gets a massive orgasm, and drinks lots of vodka and Miaka, Yui, and Mrs. Katrighim die from the shock of so many consecutive orgasms. Everyone rejoices until Dilandau lights them all on fire. At which point he is the only one who is rejoicing. Except for Kerry, the author, who finds this all extremely hilarious until Dilandau jumps off of the page and lights her on...*
-the end-
