I've lived the fullest life of all animals. I am older than the trees. Older than your father's father. I used to be the only of my kind and to prevent our species from extinction, I preserved my body early in life with magical herbs, which are now nonexistent on this planet. That was my fault though. I overdosed on those herbs nearly everyday due to my fear of extinction and I used them all…I am now a living fossil. My goal was to breed and multiply and I was successful. Perhaps even a bit too successful.
I live in a cave in New Iceland. It's hidden under a series of cliffs. I haven't always lived here. I was born on the continent of Pangaea. Everything was one dimensional back then. Two moons existed. Trees were taller than ever and branches only grew at the tops. Dinosaurs ruled the earth. Every animal was both warm and cold cold-blooded and could change their skin colour by thought. They were made of stone yet moved as smoothly as a snake. I was deformed and alone with a lack of these special abilities that my dinosaur pals possessed. To avoid getting crushed by live stone, I would hide deep underground. The dinosaurs could see through the ground, and I could not. They weren't interested in the specks underground, so I was safe anyway.
One day Pangaea blew up. I was the only survivor on land. I found myself in an ocean of clear sea water. I floated around for a few nights, my limbs scattered. There weren't any currents in these days, so everything stayed pretty much in place. A friendly sea creature named Nessie came and rescued me. I rode on his back to a small island surrounded by many scattered islands from the explosion. Pangaea was shattered. Nessie was kind enough to take my detached limbs in his pouch and he returned them to me. I ate my limbs and soon enough they regenerated. I also ate Nessie as there was nothing to eat on the island. The plants had died out and I had no choice. I owned this naked island. I gave it the name of "New Iceland," a term that I just made up now.
New species formed on this island. Most were three dimensional rather than one-dimensional and this strained my eyes for a long while. My biggest desire was there to be another like myself. I wished this for centuries and finally my wish was granted. A primate was born. It was a male and he was awfully hairy. He had a large, ugly nose, orange fur, and a white face. I mated with him, hoping that one of us would multiply. It didn't work. What was I doing wrong? I wished and hoped for many more years and my mate finally came to me. A beautiful female human. We produced a daughter. My dream was starting to come true! We made a few more people in he next years. Then my mate died of natural causes. The next generation of humans could not see well in the dark, meat made them ill, and various plants made them swell. I didn't understand. However, they did survive and live a full life. After a century or so, humans were endangered but existed. I was settled. Animals were afraid of humans and their only predator was disease really. The expanding population caused the small island the rock, which created the water currents in the ocean. Slowly, New Iceland grew bitterly cold. Wind blew. Caves, streams, lakes, and cliffs formed throughout the island. Once again, humans died and and I was left alone. They weren't strong enough to survive the cold weather. I grew depressed and tired of life. I regretted preserving my body. It wasn't worth it. I hung out in a cave, bored out of my mind. I would stare at the walls for days, watching them move, freezing and not dying. My skin got so dry and cracked. I bled everywhere. I wiped my blood on the cave walls and created designs just to entertain me. I needed something new to look at. This was my life for the next thousand years. It got unbearably cold. Snow fell from the ground. I felt like a living frostbite. I lost my sense of touch completely. But one chilly day I got a visitor at my cave. A giant beast with tusks the size of trees, covered in fur, came into view. He stayed around the rest of the day and soon enough, night fell. He went to sleep. Here was my chance to attack him. I quietly snuck out of my cave and lit the beast on fire. He didn't like it…he got kind of mad…However, he did die and that was the whole point. I snuggled up in his coat and fed off of his meat. His coat had to have lasted at least a month. It made me very happy.
Not too long after the encounter with the mammoth, humans arrived at the island and took over. It was MY island, but I let them stay only because they were generous enough to visit it in the first place. To this day, I have no idea how they came here. I was sure I was the only human in the world. My wish had come true a second time. Karma exists though. Even though they were people, I hated them anyway. They were mad! They killed everything in their path, stole my cave drawings idea, and tried to civilize me as if they were older than me and knew more. They wore these really ugly costumes and acted like such greedy pigs with ice as a heart. I sort of liked it better when they hadn't come. They kept trying to teach me things in a language that I couldn't understand and they were too stupid to know that I can't understand!
"You've got ears, can you not hear?" They'd ask, expecting an answer.
"Teach me your ugly language first, Fools!" I'd answer. I wasn't expecting an answer because I knew they weren't understanding me anyway. I was outraged though. It was like these people didn't have the ability to think. They had no common sense whatsoever. They just assumed that we were all born with one common language and humans knew it by instinct. They weren't leaving, so I did. I dwelled further into my cave and I only left at night when the humans were asleep. Some people tried taking over my cave once so I lit them on fire and had a few satisfying meals. It serves them right! They asked for it! Their stupid cronies got mad at me for it.
"We are the Vikings! We are superior!" They yelled to me.
They turned me into their slave. They must have been very bored and needed something to do. They treated me like a puppet. I was their toy. Soon they grew old and got bored of me. I was free.
I isolated myself once again in my cave. The rise of Christianity hit and now I was considered a demon by everyone. I do not know why exactly…people are odd. Everyone thought they were the best and it amused me. They drove me nuts though. Everyone was such an idiot! They tried burning me and sending me to hell, but I'm immortal, so that's their problem.
Many centuries passed and people got over their evil demon phase. Scientists discovered me and realized that I didn't know their language. They kidnapped me and tied up my hands. They took me to a police station.
"Where are your clothes?" the mean old police asked.
I gave them a blank look. They took me to a room with a TV set and made me watch a cheap program called "Muzzy," which taught me how to speak their native language. They interviewed me and I told them all lies. I tried telling the truth, but they kept calling me a liar because of their damn messed up scientific studies. They washed me up and stuck me in a lab, where I turned to rock. They put me in a glass cage in a museum. I really didn't like this. They gave me a club, covered my privates, and posed me. They named me Locus, of all names! People stared at me all day. People were actually stupid enough to pay to see me. I couldn't believe it. What has my world come to!
I had no muscle at all and I had to rely on the powers of my mind to smash the glass and free me. After many months the glass finally shattered, only it wasn't my mind that did it. It was the laserbeam of an alien, who had come to abduct me. I stood there in my museum position, utterly confused by all this. They kidnapped me and stuck me in their spaceship where I was raped numerous times. They brought me to their home planet.
I would go on and tell you about my adventures in the new world, but I see that you are all falling asleep, so I'll just end it here. The end.