The Little Mermaid as told by H
Note: I stole the Muffin Monster from the Lenore comics, by Roman Dirge
There once lived a mermaid. She was an average size mermaid even
though the title describes her as "little," but Anderson wasn't
very well educated and never knew the difference between "little"
and "young." In this version of the story, the little mermaid did
have a name. It was Leanansidhe. But since I don't feel like writing
"Leanansidhe" five million times, I'll just call her "the Muffin
Monster" for short. Leanansidhe is such a cruel name anyway.
The Muffin Monster was a real spoiled brat. She lived in a big family
and each of them couldn't stand her. The Muffin Monster always acted
like a real grump and refused to talk to anybody. The only time
anyone ever heard her voice is when she showed off her beautiful
singing talents. She was very conceited, but still, her thoughts
about herself were true. She thought she was the most beautiful
mermaid in the sea with the most beautiful voice, and according
to the original version of this tale, she was right.
Like I said before, the Muffin Monster was very spoiled. She would
hog all of the lovely green water plants for herself for her bed.
She also stopped speaking to her grandmother because she wouldn't
let her go to the surface until she was fifteen. The Muffin Monster
hated being treated like a child, even though she was one and acted
younger than her age her whole life. Nobody liked the Muffin Monster because of her spoiledness.
Soon her fifteenth birthday came and the Muffin Monster swam to
the world above. She looked around for a moment and then she said
to herself, "This place looks like shit." She was about to start
heading back until she saw a big boat for tourists going scooba
diving. "AHHH!! What the hell is that?!" yelled the Muffin Monster.
She backed away only a few feet and then the boat came to a stop.
She decided to watch to see what would happen. About a minute later
three men jumped out of the boat in their scooba diving equipment.
Just then, a helicopter came and stopped right above the boat. An
object fell from it and fell in the boat. The helicopter flew away
and then the boat exploded, for the object was a bomb. Then one
of the scooba divers popped his head up and looked around at the
water. "Fuck," he thought, "Where's my contacts?!" Then he swam
back under the water, only able to see colorful blurs threw his
water goggles. The Muffin Monster thought this guy was in trouble,
after seeing the boat blow up. Stuck up as she was, she still saved
him. She liked his soft golden hair so she decided he should live.
So she took him by the arms and started swimming to land with him.
He tried struggling away, but the Muffin Monster would let him go.
This man didn't know what was going on, he still didn't have his
contacts and he really couldn't make out what anything was. A few
minutes later he noticed that this animal that had him by the arms
had fins. He thought he was being attacked by a shark. Then a crab
in the water came and pinched him on the ass. Of course he thought
it was a shark's bite. He screamed and then fainted. Even though
he was unconscious, the Muffin Monster continued swimming to the
beach with him. Finally they arrived at the beach. The Muffin Monster
layed the man on the beach. She ran her fingers threw his blonde
hair, which felt as silky as the fur of a rabbit. She immediately
fell in love with him from his hair. But she didn't stay too long
for she didn't want to frighten he man again when he woke up. She
swam back to her merkingdom and told her sisters about her adventure.
Her sisters were amazed. They hadn't heard the Muffin Monster say
a word since before she knew how to talk.
***
Meanwhile, back at the beach, the other two scooba divers arrived
and found the man who the Muffin Monster rescued. His name was Greg
the Groundhog. The two scooba divers woke up Greg.
"You ok?" asked scooba diver #1.
"I guess so." replied Greg. "What happend?"
"The boat got sucked up by the Bermuda Triangle." scooba diver #2
said to Greg. "What happend to you?"
"This man-eating fish tryed to eat me, but then just before I fainted,
I noticed a young woman who saved my life." Greg told him.
"Let's get you back to the hotel. You seem like you need a nice
warm bath." said scooba diver #1, who was gay. Just as the turned
around to go back, a jet plane out of control came and fell in the
ocean with a loud bang. The three men looked behind them and saw nothing, so they continued on.
***
Back in the merworld, one of the Muffin Monster's sisters' friend
named Coco happend to know which hotel Greg was at and could help
the Muffin Monster find him. The Muffin Monster grew very excited
about this. She loved getting what she wanted and she wanted Greg.
The next day the Muffin Monster and Coco swam up to the surface
and Coco brought the Muffin Monster to the Hampton Inn, the place
where Greg was staying. The Muffin Monster assumed this tall building
was Greg's castle and thought he must be a prince. She knew she
must meet Greg or she would never be happy again. After she returned
to her merkingdom, she thought of how she could meet her prince.
Then she decided the only way was to go to the sea witch and maybe
she could make the Muffin Monster a human.
The sea witch was actually a white witch, like the majority of witches
who don't go to my school. The king of the merkingdom, the Muffin
Monster's father, had banished the sea witch from the kingdom years
ago. The king was Christian who was obsessed with his religion and
he did whatever the bible told him, including the psychotic ones.
He wouldn't stand for there to be a witch-good or evil, living in
his kingdom. He would have burned her, but fortunately for the witch
you can't burn anything in the merworld.
The sea witch was delightwed when the Muffin Monster arrived at
her lair. The sea witch knew everyone (including herself) hated
this spoiled merrow. When the Muffin Monster told the sea witch
her problem, the sea witch was more than happy to grant her her
wish. She could finally get rid of the Muffin Monster from the ocean!
The sea witch understood how desperate the Muffin Monster was to
walk on land and the sea witch didn't want to make the sea maid
happy. She was a good witch and if the Muffin Monster was happy,
that would mean every land animal would be miserable like the mermaids
in the merworld were. So the sea witch told the Muffin Monster she
wanted her voice. The Muffin Monster agreed with the deal. The sea
witch warned the Muffin Monster that each step she took would feel
like a sword was going up threw her legs. The Muffin Monster still
didn't care. The sea witch also warned her that if the prince broke
her heart, she would end her years and die as a mermaid would, and
dissolve into foam. The Muffin Monster still agreed to die to be
a human. So the sea witch took her knife and cut out the Muffin
Monster's tounge. Blood spilled everywhere, it was gross. The sea
witch gave the Muffin Monster a potion to drink before the sun rose
(or something like that...) The Muffin Monster took the potion and
quickly swam to the surface and drank it in one gulp. Then her fins
transformed into a beautiful pre-waxed pair of legs. She started
walking to the Hampton Inn when a police man stopped her.
"Where do you think you're going, Lady?" the police man asked. The
Muffin Monster didn't speak. "You're a lovely lady but, I'm sorry,
the strip club's about 10 miles away. This is America. We don't
allow people-beautiful or hideous, to just go walking on the streets
naked. I'm gonna hafta test you for whatever drugs you're on." And
the police man took her away. He brought her to the...drug place...where
the checked her for any drugs. They found no sign of any in and
out of her blood(they didn't even find any poison from the sea witch
in her). But they still brought her to the state prison anyway and
locked her up for three nights. They provided her with black and
white striped pajamas and a cool looking hat to match. After the
three nights were up, they set her free and let her keep the pajamas
as a suvineor. The Muffin Monster found her way tot eh Hampton Inn
somehow. She threw away her pajamas cause she thought they were
ugly and uncomfortable. She very easily found Greg. He was at his
car putting his suitcase in his trunk. The Muffin Monster ran to
Greg, even with her painful feet. Greg just stared at her. He's
never seen a naked woman so close. He wasn't gay (even though his
personality and looks were), he was just a nerd. Finally he spoke.
"Who are you? Your face looks familiar, do I know you?" he asked
her. The Muffin Monster nodded and then showed him she had no tounge
and therefore could not speak. "Eww...." he said silently. "Oooohhh,
you poor girl. I'll get you help. Come in my car." The nude Muffin
Monster went into Greg's car. Greg introduced himself to the Muffin Monster.
"My name is Greg the Groundhog," he told her. "I'm 74 1/2. I'm a
golfer. I like to golf. Maybe someday you and I can go golfing together.
Won't that be fun? I have no wife, but you can be my wife if you
desire. You're too young for me, but that's ok. I live in Chicago.
I'm just visiting here for a feildtrip that us members of the Golf
Club get to go to. The Golf Club is lots of fun! There's three members
and it's growing! There's myself, scooba diver #1 and scooba diver
#2. You can join the Golf Club too if you want. Boy, I wish I knew
your name. Do you like to golf?" The Muffin Monster just shrugged.
She didn't know what this confused sad and pathetic seeming man
was talking about. Golf? Greg went on and on about golf for seven
more minutes, when he arrived at the Men's Warehouse-his favorite
store to shop for clothes (besides Victoria Secret). He bought the
Muffin Monster some mens' clothing. The Muffin Monster looked at
it and threw it out the car window, acting like her spoilish self.
Greg picked it up and told her, "C'mon, you've gotta wear something.
You can't go in public wearing nothing. Someone will shoot you with
a gun someday doing that." The Muffin Monster obeyed. She admired
his gorgeous hair too much to act like a bitch to him. She put on
the mens' clothes and instead of looking like a whore, now she looked like a crossdresser.
Without thinking of how little he knew the Muffin Monster, Greg
the Groundhog asked his hitchhiker if she wanted to go back to Chicago
with him. She shook her head, so he told her he;d extend his feildtrip.
Then he took her to the nearest golf course. After a few long games
of golf, Greg took her out to dinner at a pretty nice restaurant with a live singer.
"Wow, she's good," Greg said to the Muffin Monster. She thought
to herself, "If only her could hear me sing, he'd think she sucked."
Now the Muffin Monster was dying to show off her talent.
Greg brought the Muffin Monster back to his hotel room after dinner.
"Would you like to watch the Golf Channel with me?" Greg asked.
"There's a 24 hour marathon about all the history of golfballs on
tonight." The Muffin Monster gave an "ok" gesture as a reply, even
though she really didn't want to. Just after Greg put on the TV,
the Muffin Monster stripped naked. She hated the itchy mens' clothes.
Greg, being a slow person, took her nudeness as a sign that she
wanted to have sex with him. So he stripped his own clothes off
and raped the Muffin Monster. The Muffin Monster didn't know what
was going on, but she didn't try to stop him for she was enjoying
this very much, even though Greg, being a virgin for 74 1/2 years,
really wasn't good. He also was the least sexiest man with wrinkles
and moles all over his body, plus a disease he had causing him
to have black and gray spots all over his skin. But the Muffin Monster
had never seen a named human before and she didn't know any better.
Suddenly, Greg's hair peice fell off his head. The Muffin Monster
screamed, but no sound came out, She shoved him off the ebd and
ran out of the toom to the beach to sulk. She no longer loved him
now that she knew his hair wasn't even his own and he was bald.
She now was afraid of all bald things. She felt her heart begin
to break. She arrived at the beach a few minuted later. She sobbed
for about 20 minutes and then she saw all of her sisters pop their
heads out of the water. They were all bald. The Muffin Monster's eyes grew wide with fear.
"We heard what happend," said the Muffin Monster;s sister #1.
"We sold out heait to the sea witch to save you," said ther Muffin Monster's sister #2.
"She used out hair to make this magic sword," said the Muffin Monster's sister #3.
"Strike the sword into the prince's heart and the spell will be
broken. You'll turn back into a mermaid and you'll be able to live
the rest of your meryears." the Muffin Monster's sister #4 explained.
She took the sword and her sisters swam away. Out of nowhere, white
droppings from a seagull came shooting down from the sky and fell
on the Muffin Monster's head. She ran, not knowing what it was,
and tripped over a grain of sand, accidentally throwing the sword
into the ocean. The ocean turned a bright red color from the blood on the sword.
"Ahh, shit..." the Muffin Monster thought. But moments later it
was too late for the Muffin Monster to be saved. She felt herself dissolving into foam.
In the original version of The Little Mermaid, the Muffin Monster
rises to heaven. But since we want a happy ending in this one, we'll
just leave the demon as foam. THE END