Rumplestiltskin-as told by H
There once lived some old miller guy and his young daughter. They
were poor. The old miller wished that he'd have some hope on getting
money when his daughter grew up and got a real job. He lost all
hope when she stated that she wanted to be a carpenter. At the same
time, there lived a king and his pet prince. Coincidentally, they
all lived in the same kingdom and neither child had a mother. Odd....When
the prince was about 18 and the miller's daughter was 13, the king
told everyone that his prince needed a wife, because he was depressed
and the king was getting annoyed. The prince was depressed because
they stopped making lead butter knives and he liked those. He used
to collect them. In fact, he had a collection of about 608921 lead
butter knives. The miller heard a rumour that the prince needed
a wife in the kingdom like, miles away. He drove his motorcycle
to this mystical land. The miller came up to the king who ruled
the kingdom and he told him that he was interested in marrying his
son and becoming a queen. He mentioned that his daughter was a princess,
because he thought it would be real cool if she was. The king found
this amusing since he didn't even have a son. He had 3 daughters,
the youngest being 57 who all lived with their stuck up husbands,
and a shaggy hermaphroditic dog named Hubert. He played along with
the scrubby looking miller that his daughter would have the opportunity
to marry his son if she could spin straw into gold. The miller,
not really listening to this ridiculous deal, agreed to it (what
an idiot). All he really heard was the word "gold" and "straw".
He sort of figured the king wanted to trade for some fucked up reason.
He handcuffed the miller's daughter and stuck her in some dusty
dungeon wirh a bunch of straw and a spinning wheel. She didn't know
what the fuck was going on so she just sort of sat around and sang
melodies about geese. A little green man appeared out of nowhere.
She got fightened and she slaughtered the little green man for invading
her territory. Then she ate him because she was bored. Another man
appeared, much like the other one. "Hi!" said he. "My name is Rumplestiltskin
and you killed my brother! How dare you!" The girl , not really
knowing what was going on, apologized for it. The little man didn't
quite understand because the girl didn't really know much english.
Her father spoke english, but she couldn't really pronounce anything,
I guess....Rumplestiltskin asked her what she was doing in this
dump and she said she had to spin straw into gold. Don't ask me
how she knew what she was supposed to do at the time...the man gor
excited. He jumped up and said that he'd do it for her if she cut
out her tongue and gave it to him. She did and so the man ate it.
Then he took a jar of intestines and gold coloured glitter crap
that teenagers like (it was the girl's glutter crap, she didn't
know that he stole it). He sprinkled it on the straw. He thought
it was cool how he ate the girl's tongue though because now he sounded
like the girl. Everyone figured he was just a transexual. Anyway,
the girl was happy now because she could leave now. Unfortunately
for the girl, this was about a decade later and the king (who was
by this time long dead) had completely forgotten about her. She
waited another 10 years, patiently too. She got kinda hungry though
because the straw that she used to live off of was now gold to her.
She nibbled chunks of the rats that visited her iinstead and the
flesh of the decaying corpses of the dead prisonered that rested
in her cell. That made absolutely no sense, I know, but it's true!
This girl was a god damn sick cannibul. She was REAL sick....She
got so bored! Before she ate the rats and corpses, she's always
rape them first just because she got bored and she needed something
to do. She still raped their skeletons after. The rats were a bit
small to her though and it was tough to rape their skeleton. Instead,
she pretended to be a rat and she nibbled on their bones to sharpen
her teeth. Her teeth sort of got sharp after a while and they got
all black. They looked cool. She was real hot with sharp black teeth.
She liked to dress up some skeletons in women's clothing and she
liked to put the rats down her dress so they could play. She enjoyed
it when they bit her breasts and ate the flesh of her nipples. One
time a couple of lesbian rats mated right inside her dress. It gave
her multiple orgasms. Oh, and sometimes she treated her playful
skeletons like barbie dolls and she let them have sex all the time.
She had a great time in that dungeon, I dunno why the fuck she wanted
to leave. Yeah, so anyway, about 10 years passed and the little
green man's brother returned. "Hi!" said he. The girl was confused.
She thought she had killed him, and plus she was on drugs and she
couldn't tell if she was hallicunatijng or not cuz he was a little
green man, but he wasn't chasing her with a butcher knife. She always
ran away from those men. "Hmmm....." she though. She decided to
get the guts and meet one of these men that visited her. She figured
she could have sex with them if they didn't kill her. She has tried
actually, but I won't go there....She asked if she could rape him
and he disappeared. She was kinda ugly, I guess....Well, she was
hot, but she just sounds ugly if I described her. She was like 30-something
by now and she looked like some old swamp lady who smoked like 10
boxes of cigarettes a day. Someone just asked if she looked like
a beansighe and no-she looked nothing like one, ok? Just to clear
that up....They do both look very cool and hot, but though you might
picture her in some gothic style (I am actually), she's supposed
to be green and like...sewer colours I guess...Her skin did sort
of glow because of all the acid (rain) that she had. But yeah-she
did look cool. The little man just got kinda scared cuz she didn't
turn him on. He didn't even recognize her. He sent his little sister,
Margret, after her (it's supposed to be spelt that way). She didn't
get scared. She believed that she was a big brave dog and she wasn't
ascared of no monsters. She mistakend the girl for a monster and
nearly ran away. The girl captured Margret and put her in a cage
(no clue where the cage came from)). She poked out her eyes with
one of her claws that she had graown herself because she kept screaming
and it was irritating her, She wasn't used to so much noise. Margret
cried and the girl stared at her. Margert had NO idea that the girl
was staring at her. "Sleep, little one!" spoke the girl to Margret,
followed by a cackle. "EEheeheehee." Like how there's no exclamation
point after that? I do. Margret fell asleep, but the girl didn't
really know. Instead, she shoved a pitchfork down her throat because
she wanted to see if she had any blood. Turns out she didn't. If
you're actually wondering where the pitchfork came from, then you
must read faerytales more often and then you'd understand. Margert
was sort of dead, but not really...The girl thought she was just
asleep so she watched her and she somehow got entertained by it.
She got bored and she didn't really have any flsh left by then because
she was all decayed and stuff...The girl didn't seem to really mind
though. She liked the sweet taste of whatever was left of her. Rumplestiltskin
later discovered that Margret was missing and set off on a journey
to find her. He remembered that he had sent her to that girl's house
to let her escape. He went back there. He did remember the scarey
monster that he thought he saw, but he figured he was just kidding
himself. He figured he was just kidding himself. He forgot why he
had sent Margret, sort of....He didn't really, but he convinced
himself that she volunteered to go and he just couldn't remember.
He didn't like to blame himself. He went back and the girl came.
She looked even stupider than before, but she was still hot. Rumplestiltskin,
shivering from fear, asked the friendly monster, "Can I have my
sister back, please?" She demanded a description and he told her.
She had absolutely no memory left and she was very confused. He
thought she was lying and he decided to try and make friends with
the nice scarey monster. He later discovered after about 3 years
or so, that she was the girl that he had been looking for. He got
very excited. He made her a deal that if she gave him Margert back,
then he would set her free. The girl by now had thought that she
was a dead gerbil locked in a graveyard because she was buried alive.
She agreed and he made the stone walls vanish. They were magic walls
and they could do that if you told them to go away. Rumplestiltskin
hurried and set Margret free (anything can happen in this story-there's
really no explanation how he set her free after she was digested
long, long ago.) Rumplestiltskin left.
***
The girl decided to explore the rest of the castle. For some stupid
ass reason, she remembered her deal with the king and she set off
on a massive search to find him in the castle. She was very confused
though because the place looked like a stupid mansion in Los Angeles.
Some ass modernized it. She put a curse on the place. She got arrested
and was put in a lab for people to do experiments on. They thought
she was an alien from outer space. Rumplestiltskin returned because
he knew she was in trouble again and trapped. Though she did turn
into a really cool bitch, he still cared about her. "Howdy!" said
he when she noticed that he had returnbed and wanted to rescue her.
(He came with a cape this time-he was cool). "I will let you escape
if you tell me my name." He liked making deals with her and he thought
this one would because cool because his name is just fun. She raised
an eyebrow and said "I thought you said it was Rumplestiltskin."
He got a bit pissed cuz he did. Original, no? She said out of noweher,
"When you set me loose again, can I go to Egypt? I like the warriors
there." Rumplestiltskin spoke, "If you want, but instead of guessing
my name, you can give me all your limbs because they taste good."
She agreed quickly. She really wanted to go to Egypt. He chopped
off her limbs and madse her vanish. The stupid scientists got so
confused. He put a hex on her so that if anyone stole her, then
she would be pecked to death by a sparrow. And if she decided to
eat the sparrow (she had the habit) then she'd turn into a pinetree
with pine needles and pinecones-get it? That's why they're called
pine trees! Pinetrees can't live in Egypt, you know. She went to
Egypt and became a ninja (I like ninjas) because she forgot about
the warriors. She got abducted by aliens and she died because their
meat is poisonous to humans. Rumplestiltskin put her limbs on display
at his limb museum. He got really pissed off one day and snapped
in half. This story is really bad. Ok...They got married and had
kids and lived happily ever after. THE END
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