I ate a gopher yesterday. I turned him into noodles. However, they were too crunchy and I broke my tooth. I also burnt my tongue and gums. Then, my face fell off. My dad, Bobby, called me down for brunch and I was astonished! I was reluctant, until Mister Plant Dude tried to attack my scarf. So I ate him because I am vegetarian because I hate plants because they always eat my scarf because they are hungry because I never feed them their plant food because I thought plants ate insects because the bug guy acts kinda like a plant because he is a lunatic. "MY FEET ARE COLD," I screamed at the cold gopher noodles. And so I put on my dear socks with a voluptious grin. "How YOU doin'?" said my socks. They asked because I'm sexy and it is only THEY who know! Morror, mirror on the wall, who has the smelliest elbow of them all? And the woman in the wall screamed into me delicate ears as I dove. It was like being shaved into the wall by a midget named Frankie. "Fuck, get them away you fucking whore with the antlers as teeth!" shouted the insane man. "I ate a little girlie penguin with ballet slippers and a banana stuck in his throat. 'Twas most splendid indeed she was! I do concur ole' chap, bloody brilliant! Soon afterwards, her mother comes crawling into the room, drunk as a drunken' bastard on crack whispering, "I have washed your socks, Deary," in the voice of an old dying man eating a rotted twig. *sniff* THE END