8/19/99 not gonna say that much right now. not much to
say. thought the zipper thing was kinda appropriate for
this. when I feel like I'm going crazy it's not unlike
something coming unzipped in my head. release release
release, must find release in the blood. with that said,
I leave you to ponder.
8/20/99 it's way past my bedtime considering I have to
be at work at 9:45 tomorrow morning. but I wanted to get
more poetry up and get that page linked to the main page.
I'm having a lot of fun with this page. learning a lot
too. :-) I've probably done enough for one night.
someday soon I'll get around to writing a real entry
here.
8/25/99 it's actually only just the 25th. that's what
I get for staying up past midnight. I'm surprizingly not
all that tired considering I worked late both last night
and tonight. oh well. and yesterday was such a bizarre
day. I don't know what was going on. I was at work and
felt like I was on the verge of completely flipping out
all afternoon and then one of the night people called in
sick so the boss asked me to stay and close since I had
only worked 4 hours. and that nearly completely broke
me. I spent the next half hour (at least) trying to keep
myself from bursting into tears. I don't cry easily. I
don't understand why it got to me so badly. it did mess
up plans I'd had for the evening. but I can normally
deal with things like that. and it's not like I'm under
some huge amount of stress. at least not that I'm aware
of. I don't know. it was disturbing. and then again
after I'd gotten off work I spent a good part of the
night trying to keep myself from crying. I know that I
need a good cry now and then and it's been a long time
since I last did. but still. I hate doing it and I hate
doing it for now reason even more. stupid bloody mood
swings. or something. I don't know. it's good that I
wasn't home last night though. I don't know if I could've
made it to bed without doing something (i.e. playing with
my old friend the scissors or perhaps even older friend
the radiator). but I've been good for quite some time
now. I think I'm working of 4 weeks. I've lost track.
which has almost been helpful at times. I don't focus
on the fact that it's been x weeks since my last episode
'cause then I start thinking things like why bother
trying any more? I made it this far, that's good enough,
it's just gonna happen again anyway, so why not? those
sorts of things. which are bad, bad, bad, bad. indeed.
and I'm feeling kinda silly or something. I'm getting
tired. to bed with me then. later.
8/28/99 I fel bad for not writing regularly. I haven't
had or made time to write here or even in my regular
journal(s). I have a notebook for a journal but then I
started doing it on the computer. I find that I can type
faster than I can write and keep up with my thoughts
better. for the most part anyway. plus there's all
those neat fonts in Word. I like picking out a font that
strikes me a cool depending on my mood. but then it has
frustrated me at times when I can't find any font that I
like. oh well. I was all set to do a nice ramble 'cause
I've had some thoughts recurring but I'm too tired to
think clearly enough to do that at the moment. that's
what happens when you work 8 days straight. and last
night work was unbelievably draining. flet like all my
energy had ben sapped out by the time I got to my car.
sleep would be a good thing right about now. but this
is the first time I've had a good amount of time to spend
on the computer in days. I wanted to get my other poetry
typed in today (don't know if I'm quite ready to link it
to the main page though). I wonder why I feel like I'm
exposing so much more of myself by sharing my "normal"
poetry than with my SI stuff. I don't know. I'm not
sure which is more representative of the real me. if
there is one. that's a silly thought I guess. there is
a real me somewhere. just don't know where yet. wonder
is I want to know. anyway. that's pointless. wish I
had enough energy to put into thinking. I can ramble
just fine. but I want to think. I have questions that
I wanted to think through out loud. well sort of.
writing them out is sort of like thinking out loud. a
more physical manifestation of something inside my head.
something like that. I can't believe that August is
almost over. classes start next week. and a week from
then I'll actually turn 22. I don't like that too much.
makes me feel like I should be so much more adult than I
am. but then sometimes I do feel completely like an adult
and I'm totally ok with that. it's weird. I miss being
little and believing in my imaginary fiends. where did
that ability go? I had an imaginary pet elephant in high
school but I knew he wasn't real, I didn't go around
talking to him. he just kinda existed in my head. sort
of just a comforting thing. to feel less alone. I hate
that feeling. but you know, I haven't felt alone in quite
some time now. well, quite some time being a couple
months or so. that feeling of isolation and being alone
is a big trigger sometimes. it's so easy to work myself
into that dark hole. it's almost a comfort in a way
'cause it's something familiar, it's something I know.
if that makes any sense. I think I will go take a nap
now. or at least lie down for a while. hopefully I'll
get the energy to write out my thoughts later. I'd really
like to get them out of my head.
8/30/99 well, if you want to get technical it's 8/31 but
close enough. I can't believe august is almost over
already. the summer has gone by so fast. can't decide
if that's good or not. anyway. yesterday a friend of
mine asked me what happened to my arm. my intial response
was "which one?" which was not the brightest (I was not
thinking at all and this as before I had had any mead)
so she responded with "both". and all I could answer was
"nothing" in a voice that was attepmting to sound innocent
or something. I gotta come up with a good story to use
consistantly. the barbed wire one isn't so bad and
somewhat believable 'cause of the way my scars are. I
don't know. I was just caught off guard. mostly I guess
because she's sen my arms before but never said anything
and it's not like I've done anything recently that would
draw attention to them. hell, it's been over 4 weeks at
this point. at least. I used to love my scars so much.
the ones from the burning mostly. I don't know why. it
kinda made me me I guess, something like that. but now
they seem to draw more attention which I don't like. not
at all. but I don't hate them. not often. sometimes
they repulse me. I see my arms as ugly. but most of the
time I'm indifferent or actually see them as beautiful
and want more. I just don't like the scars from the
cutting. they don't stand out nearly as much but they
seem so much more obvious to me. seem to scream SI
rather than just beeing scars that could've happened from
some weird accident. parallel just aren't explained away
easily. but those aren't the ones people notice. why
haven't I realized this before? who knows. doesn't
really matter. well, the whole scar thing is one of the
things I wanted to write about before. just needed that
little catalyst I guess. I think I'm too tired to start
getting into the other thought (that and it's more fun
to procrastinate). it's late. I should get some sleep.
sleep is good. I shoudl have time to write again before
work tomorrow. and if not then then probably on wednesday
'cause I have off (and there was much rejoicing).
8/31/99 now that I'm awake and the day has actually begun
it is the last day in august. which means that one week
from tomorrow I turn 22. eek. I don't know if I like
this at all. oh well. had a not so nice dream this
morning. it was about this guy I've been seeing. he
decided to start seeing someone else (though not stop
seeing me) and for some reason he and I and this new girl
were out somewhere together with some friend of his (made
up in the dream) and some girl he was seeing. and I was
not a happy camper. I didn't want him seeing anyone else
(and I don't which at this point in time is selfish and
not quite right but that's a whole other story) so I got
up and left. then the phone rang and woke me up. I was
quite unhappy when I woke up. but it has faded as
emotions from dreams tend to do as the day progresses.
and I guess that maybe this dream is something of an
indirect catalyst to get me to spew my other thoughts.
and I have the time. don't need to leave for work for
another half hour. joy. I've just been pondering love
and the different kinds there are. at least the variations
that exist in my mind. now whether or not they're
universal is a different and unimportant story. it's my
head. anyway. it occurred to me that you can love
someone out of need or out of wanting them or some
combination of the 2. and the more I thought about it
the more it seemed that loving mostly out of need is not
such a healthy thing. it really isn't. it narrows your
and makes it hard to function outside of that need, in
all aspects of your life. but then loving someone only
because you want them isn't all good either. I think it
lacks something though it's probably not as damaging as
the other. I think a nice balance of the 2 is what's
needed. and not a 50-50 balance. don't know what though.
but what other aspects of love exist? seems like other
things are just sub-categories (or something) of the
first 2. like wanting what the other person wants,
whatever makes them happy. that falls under wanting in
a way. I don't know. does any of this make any sense?
or am I just completely warped? that is entirely
possible. sometimes I'm just so confused. love is a
good thing for the most part though. anyway. enough of
that. I prmised myself I was gonna try to keep my love
life separate from this. it's gonna invade every now and
then though. oh well. it's such a nice cool windy day
out. fall's coming a little early. at least it feels
that way. which is fine by me. fall is probably my
favorite season. I love them all. snow in winter,
thunderstorms in summer, and all the lovely green and
flowers in the spring are great. but I especially love
fall. the crisp air and the pretty leaves. makes me
feel so alive somehow even though it's when everything
is starting to shut down for the winter. have I rambled
enough for today? at least for now I guess. I should
go eat some lunch (I'm so glad I've lost my interest and
semi-obsessive thoughts about trying to starve myself.
it's wonderful what a little boost in your self esteem
can do. when someone tells you rather sincerely (gods
I hope it's sincere) how nice or sexy you look on a
rather regular basis you can just about start to believe
it). anyway. that was an entirely too long side note.
must eat now and then be off to work. later.
