december '99
12/28/99 geez, I let the entire month go by without writing. I'm so bad. haven't had time. merry belated christmas and yule and early happy new year 'cause I don't think I'll write again before then. can't write too long tonight. have to get to sleep. still fighting off a nasty cold/flu thing. picked it up right before christmas and it hit me full force christmas day. fun. I was a mess by that night. was just so overworked and tired and cold and I haven't been that sick in years. I just ended up bursting into tears for no reason. through my bf off gaurd for a minute. but he was so good. he got me juice and soup and let me sleep. so I'm practically functional again. just need to make a note to myself never to work 10 days straight again, 2 of which being 12 hour days. how my boss expects us to be functional when she overworks us like that, I don't know. oh well. at least it's over with. had a nice brush with si urges and old feelings of insecurity/insufficiency at the yule celebration a couple weeks ago. people started talking about how the red and black paint on one of the candles looked like dried blood, and it did, and then later a conversation about burning started. all accidental stuff but it started a craving so I started wallowing. if I'd been home it would've been a lost cause. but I wasn't. so I was ok. but remembering that is putting me in a bit of a mood at the moment 'cause I'm still very tired. I got to sleep now so that I don't stay sick longer than necessary. gods, I hope I didn't get my bf sick. I'll feel so bad 'cause he was so good when I was out of comission. last thing I'll say it IT'S SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!
12/30/99 had to change the colors of this page. it was getting to me to leave them preset. I'm home and tired and spent alot of time on the drive home thinking. part of me just suddenly wanted to go running back to my ex-bf and say I'm sorry and try to fix things to make them like they were. for no real reason. and that's not what I want to do. I was just suddenly missing the insane intense feeling of love and the knowledge that the person I'm with feels the same. there's no going back now. and I don't really want to. it's just sometimes hard to deal with the fact that it's hard for the person that I'm with now to love someone. he keeps saying he almost does. but that's only almost. and there's no almost for me any more. I don't know. it's just hard at the moment to realize that my life is no longer planned out like it was 8 months ago. everything has turned upside down. for the good and the bad. relationships, it was good. school, now there I've royally messed up. I don't know what I'm gonna do now. and that's not so good. but I shouldn't think about that tonight. 'cause I'm tired and home and already spent too much time on the way home ponderign the fact that I was going to be home with access to my old friends. start up that old craving. but I've been so good for over months. I won't use that as an excuse though. I know better than that. but that doesn't rule out doing it just 'cause I can. I'm just tired. I just gotta keep telling myself that. I'm just tired. and lonely. don't like being home and having to sleep alone. at least I'm off tomorrow and can sleep in. but I really don't wanna be by myself tonight. really don't wanna. feel lonely. don't like that. I tried calling him before I left work but he's either not answering the phone or he's not home. dunno which. don't really matter either way though. I think I'm getting too depressed to even bother with anything anyway. but that's where the burning comes into play, doesn't it. I could haul one of the electric radiators out of the basement to my room. one little burn wouldn't matter. but it either wouldn't be one or it wouldn't be little. miss burning. it's such a nice thing. but leaves such incredibly nasyt scars. very nasty. and they won't fade much. and there'd be no hiding it from him after some point. I dunno. I'm just being stupid and silly and tired. I should just sleep. but I wanted to get at least part of a poem I was working on up. I can't get satisfied with it but I figured to put up at least the little I like. we shall see. wish it would snow again. that would make me happy. it didn't really stick theother night but it was still snow. I likse snow. we don't get enough of it any more. oh well.
it's a little later. can't seem to get my mind off si. just the thing in general, not even specifically doing it. i don't know. i'm just feeling intriguied by it for some reason. don't know why. i'm feeling entirely too tempted to go downstairs and get that radiator because I have way too little energy to bother to cut. maybe i should go look in my box for a reminder as to why not to do this. but i'm just so tired and feeling so lonely. and i really don't like feeling lonely. maybe i try calling him before i go to sleep. not an all bad idea. i think bedtime should be now though. later.
back
