february 2000
2/10/00 I read The Luckiest Girl in the World by Levenkron a couple days ago. not sure what to make of it. it's a good book in that it kept me interested but that's about it. his prtrayal of si'ers is a little off though. I mean, yes, being a perfectionist/over-acheiver whatever is true for some people. fear of failing, not being good enough. but I guess you can't show every cause in one character. I just don't know how many si'ers go to the extremes that his character did. he made her cut in front of other people as more of a call for attention than help it seemed. I don't know it's hard to explain. it just seemed too general and too extreme. it seemed really obvious to me that it was a therapist writing a book about something he's studied but not experienced. I found it much easier to identify with the character in Crosses than in this book. about the best thing going for this book is it's triggering ability. made me wanna cut so bad. I don't know. I just didn't like the whole savior therapist picture he painted. he made the girl seem like this crazy little nut and the therapist the wonderful caring person who could help her. I don't know. I'm not sorry I read it. I just wish it had been more like Crosses. oh well. I wonder if any of that made any sense at all. oh well. wish I would stop trying to trigger myself. I really am looking for an excuse to si and just can't seem to find one that will ease my conscience. but I want to. as screwed up as it is I want my identity as an si'er back. and I don't really understand why i'm suddenly not coping as well as I was. unless I'm just that much more stressed lately. I mean, my hours at work are lower than I would like and I don't make nearly enough if I really want to move out come June. and I have to think about school for the fall. what am I gonna do? minor in anthro? in music? do a double major in music? how will I pay for school? on and on and on. I haven't had urges to hide though. none of the wanting to curl into a ball and never move again stuff. I just feel silly for making it so long and then suddenly wanting to relapse and not really caring if I do. I'm afraid to be home for any extended period of time 'cause i'm afraid I'll be able to talk myself into it. I dunno. I go read.
2/11/00 help help help help help help help help help help help help help help..... bad bad bad bad bad me. wanna do bad thing. went out looking for a new slicey thing today. not a good thing for me to be doing. wanted to find somehting like the little red slicey thing that amie bought for us at work to open boxes. something like a little retractable razor blade. sorta. little and red. wanted one of my own. couldn't find one. so now wanna use the exacto knife i have up stairs. don't want the scissors this time. don't wanna burn. wanna bleed. bleed bleed bleed bleed bleed bleed bleed bleed. red red red blood. yes. is good. but I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. but I really wanna. been an icky week. getting bitched at at work. stressing over stupid stuff. wanna make it all go away. know how to make it go away. make it all better. that's just what I wanna do. but I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. I don't want Jon to blame himself. he knows it has nothing to do with him but I can see how it's easy to blame yourself for it. I don't know. I really want to. and I've been good for so long. one time won't make that much of a difference. or so I'll tell myself. right. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I can't call him at work and I just tried calling a friend of mine 'cause we were gonna try and get together this weekend. but he's not home. so that escape is out. just gotta go do it. or put it off long enough. don't wanna bother trying to put it off. maybe I'll go read or something. it's really cold in here. I don't know. just wanna bleed it all out.
note to self-cutting underside of arm stings much more than the top. live and learn, right?
2/23/00 month is almost over and I haven't had much of a chance to write. been very bad lately. too bad. no tonly the cutting episode. minor burning episode too. no tnearly as bad as I have done before but still enough to blister. which is the goal anyway. oh well. back to square one. again. i'm making the beginning of march the new start. giving myself another week or so of freedom of sorts. so i wonder if i'm gonna do anything or not. doesn't really matrer i suppose. just hate the fact that i lied about it. i promised myself that i wouldn't. but i did. bad me. very bad me. not good thing to do. no way to fix it nicely now though. my stummy's not happy. just had a big bowl of ice cream. i should go to sleep soon. i'm really tired. wanna sleep. don't wanna go to work tomorrow. work no fun. and is tiring. wanna just go and play guitar. that's fun to do. anyway. not much to ramble about tonight. my eyes hurt and i'm tired. should just go to sleep then i guess. deal with things tomorrow. later.
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