january 2000
1/8/00 damnit, Janet. i just lost my entire entry because i didn't save it before i started trying to fix the fact that an image wasn't showing up. i really don't feel like writing it all over. it'll just have to wait until tomorrow. argh!!!!!!!
11:30pm well it's later. decided to use some time tonight to re-write what i lost this afternoon. at least some of it i guess. don't really remember most of it and it don't really matter. had a nice dinner out with a friend of mine from high school this evening. don't get to see him all that often. i'm surprized that we've stayed in contact over the years but i'm glad we have. it's cool. it's nice to actually have friends from outside of college. not that i actually have any contact with any of my friends from college any more. especially snce it's been forever since i've gone to the pagan sudents' group. oh well. the group is starting to fall apart a bit. pity. anyway. i'm tired and don't really feel much like writing any more. i did earlier. i was all set to come back and re-write everything from before. oh well. after dinner we stopped by Jon's since we had to drop something of at one to one of Bryan's friends and he lives in the next town over from Jon. i feel bad that i didn't go back over to his house tonight. he was tired and seemed rather down. wish i could help. and there's not much i can do if i'm not there. i was gonna call him after i dropped Bryan off but it's getting a little late and i'm hoping he went to sleep early tonight since he's working so early tomorrow. i think i'll call him at work tomorrow before i go pick him up. we shall see. i think i'm gonna go give myself a tarot reading with my new deck(!!!!!!) which i got for Yule (thank you, Arthur and Amy). i love my deck. i knwe it was the deck for me the moment i saw it. it was quite literally just calling my name. it just felt so right. that's what decided me on using tarot instead of runes. at least at the moment. perhaps some day the runes will call for me. at the moment it's tarot though. which is what one of the psychics at work said i should do anyway. hee. but suddenly i'm having fun writing. but it is getting late and i do ned to get up tomorrow at a reasonable hour so that i can go get Jon at work. i hope he's doing ok. he really seemed down. hopefully it was just mostly being tired. we shall see. i go do a reading now and then i read some more of my book before i go to sleep. i'm actually kinda getting into the book despite the fact that's it's aimed at teens. though i can get into most books if i try. it's not to hard to get sucked into a different world. at least not for me. so used to my imagination providing me with a better world from a book than the one that i actually live in. but life is good for me now. it really is. i have so much to be happy about and thankful for. mostly that i finally feel sane and that i no longer feel suicidal. sanity is a beautiful thing.
1/12/00 i think that's the date. i've been a bit off all week. yesterday felt like wednesday and monday felt like tuesday. oh well. i keep having dreams about si. not actually doing it but looking at my arm or leg and seeing the cuts. i don't understand. i don't think that i've been thinking about it all that much. at least it's not triggering me or anything. not really. i suppose i tmight if i was actually home more often. oh, my frst reading wasn't too bad. it made sense. probably would've made more sense if i actually knew the cards but for it being the first, it wasn't bad. so now i just have to keep practicing and learing those darn cards. i love that deck. i should have some time this afternoon so i'll probably do another. i should also do those meditations on the cards that are in the book. might be fun actually. hee. and i just put in a bid for a guitar on ebay. i tried to find one through the classifieds in teh paper but it seems like no one wants to sell their guitar right now. besides, it looks like that even with shipping it'll be a bit cheaper through ebay. hee. so i'm keeping my fingers crossed. i'll just need to learn now but i've had several people offer to teach me the basics which is a good place to start. joy. i just made a copy of my Seven Nations cd so that i can listen to it in the car and currently am filling in the extra space on the tape with Meat Loaf. hee. good stuff, another happy tape. well, not quite. my real happy tape is all of my happy songs. like Only If and Book of Days by enya and dreams by the Cranberries and the Mummers Dance by Loreena McKennitt. like you really need to know everything that's on my happy tape. but those are all the songs that make me happy and hyper and just want to dance around. running out of things to say. and i thought i had so much to say today. but there's nothing to ramble about. no one's home so it's quiet and stress free. gonna go take a nice bath and read soon. do some laundry. while i'm finishing up my tape i think i'll go make my list of good words to add to the site. it'll be explained on it's page.
1/13/00 I think I remember some of the things that I forgot yesterday. or at least one. I was thinking about how my parents make a bit of a deal over my sister's eating disorder (she's both bulimic and anorexic), how they almost go out of they're way to have her go to therapy and to talk to her therapist and read books to try and understand it/her/the causes. but they never bothered with my si. I mean, not that I really would want them to interfere with me that much, might've just made things worse but on the other hand it sometimes seems like they care about her and her problems more. which is sorta valid since hers are more life threatening. I don't know. it just makes me feel unloved in a way. but then I really hate having to talk to them about it. mother had to bring it up last night. have I stopped totally? have I done anything since I stopped seeing Debbie (my therp.)? blah blah blah. so I tell her what she wants to hear. and for once it's the truth. for the most part. though I almost tripped up yesterday. was sitting in front of the heat vent 'cause it was damn cold and for some reason I just reached out and put my wrist against it without even really thinking. kinda just sat there in a daze for a few minutees trying to figure out what the hell was going on, what I was doing. then some thought about Jon popped into my head, don't remember what exactly but it snapped me out of it and I pulled my arm away before I really burnt myself. now, do I need to consider that and episode or can I kid myself into thinking it was nothing? I mean, it left a little red mark for about an hour. I don't consider that much since when I do this intentionally it's to make a 2nd degree burn. I don't know. it was and it wasn't. it was unprovoked. and it didn't come to anything. I just don't know. don't really matter. or maybe it does. dunno. don't care. too cold. it was supposed to snow last night and it didn't. or at least not where I was and even at home it wasn't as much as they were predicting. though it might still snow again this afternoon. which I would be pleased with. anyway. I must go finish laundry and take a shower. later.
1/24/00 getting tired of writing 00. looks silly to me. anyway. last night was bad. bad bad bad bad bad. I think I would've cut if I'd been home. thank goodness I wasn't. thank goodness I'm feeling better today 'cause I was planning last night since I knew I'd be home today since I'm not working. just been going in and out of a bit of a depression for the past couple days and last night was just bad. I was tired and just had no energy and just wanted to lie there and not move. and then I started thinking about cutting and I wanted to so bad 'cause I knew if would feel so good and make it all better. all better. hee. I could feel the scissors on my arm, I could see the blood, I could fel the sting and soreness of the cuts. I wanted to so badly. but I couldn't. wasn't home. no scissors. scissors upstairs now though. hee. no, I'm better today. gonna take a nice hot shower and then take a nap so I'm not so tired. I know that tends to contribute to being depressed. I'm surprized I was able to make myself eat last night. usually when I'm that down I can't eat. oh well. anyway. it snowed last week. snow snow snow snow. enough that it's still on the ground. enough being about 2 inches. I was thrilled though. I love snow. and I had a snowball fight with Jon before I went to work on the day that it snowed. what else are you supposed to do with the snow that's gathered on your car? brush it on the ground? I think not, what a waste of perfectly good packing snow. hee. was fun. snowball fights are good. make you laugh. is good to laugh. wish it would snow a bit more. it's all cloudy today. it was supposed to snow either yesterday or today but it's not. wonder if it just got pushed back. I'll check the weather forecast before I take a shower. would definitley like some more snow. I go now. my feet are cold.
1/31/00 I don't understand why I keep obsessing over si lately. it's really starting to get to me. I'm craving it and I really wanna do it. really really do. don't think I can though. but I'll sit there thinking about the feel of the scissors on my skin and seeing the bloody cuts. I don't know. this isn't cool though. it all seems to be without any reason too. which makes it all the more frustrating. dunno. finding myself wanting to read about it again and visit the web sites. which is all in an attempt to trigger myself I think. but when I think about actually going and trying to do it I just feel like I may sit there with the scissors against my arm but I won't be able to bring myself to do it. it just won't happen. I'll feel silly and stupid and crazy. random thought. well kinda. saw Girl, Interrupted the other night. good movie. now I want to read the book again. wasn't as disturbing (to me) as I thought it'd be. but there's this one character who would keep chicken carcases under her bad (her dad would bring her a roasted checken and she'd keep the remains under her bed. I think she was bulimic or had some sort of eating disorder). but anyway. just made me wonder if it's the same sort of thing as me hanging onto those tissues. dunno. that's a pretty screwed up thing to do, isn't it. oh well. I'll get rid of them eventually. I was gonna put up a list of books I've read that I think are good, both si-related and just general books. but angelfire isn't letting me create a new page today. maybe it will by the time I'm done writing here. but I think I"m almost done with that. I don't know. don't really feel much like writing. but at least my mindset has gotten a little beter since I started writing. just wish i could figure out why I'm obsessing so much lately. maybe I'm just really stressed and don't realize it. I don't know. I don't really care. I'm gonna go see if I can get that booklist up. later.
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