7/27/00 my head hurts. but i think it's more from hunger than from anything else. at least right now. didn't eat breakfast today. wasn't all that hungry and didn't take the time. lunch time in 10 minutes though so it's not a big deal. would like to go back to sleep though. we've started setting the alarm 10 minutes later than we were so it wakes me up in a different part of the sleep cycle. at a bad point in the sleep cycle. so i'm all cranky and out of it when i first wake up. it's hard to get moving. very hard. oh well. went to a web site last night so that i could see a picture of the wedding dress that my friend got. it's very pretty. browsed around a bit too. found a couple that i like. :-) it's a neat web site. no i'm not getting any ideas, really. anyway. i was good and balanced my checkbook. should be back to being even with the bank now. it's frustrating when they don't match up. but i'm starting to get much better about keeping it up to date. which is good. especially since i use my check card alot more now that i have my paycheck directly deposited into my checking account. anyway. it's now time for me to go get my lunch. joy!
had such a nice and lovely lunch break and get to come back to a co-worker who's dumping stuff on my desk because she's doing something else (even though I'm obviously doing something else to. she can't be bothered to do anything other than what she defines as her duties) and getting all nit picky about stuff that I already know. it's easy to accidentally mis-read a date. big deal if one or two orders with tomorrow's date end up in the warehouse by accident. it's easy to read a 6 as an 8. the print is small and not perfectly clear. no one's going to be able to read everything perfectly right all of the time. she should know that. she's certainly far from perfect. it just seems to be her way to make herself feel better about mistakes. pin it on somebody else. tell someone else that it's there job to make sure everything is done absolutely perfectly. ("they're complaining to me so be more careful"). this is something that i know how to do. no one around here does their job perfectly so leave me alone. it's not like this happens on a regular basis. i'm not the one who takes orders to the back without customs papers. so i misread a bloody date. so freaking what? who's gonna die? i hate being treated like i don't know what the hell i'm doing and like i make mistakes all the bloody time. 'cause i don't. and i was in such a good mood before too. now all i want to do is throw a tantrum or something. need to vent and there's no way to vent other than to sit here typing like a lunatic. i just want to go home and relax now. i wish it was friday. then' i'd be going to the beach tomorrow rather than 2 days from now. i'm really looking forward to this. i like going to the beach and it's been a while since i've been there. haven't gotten there yet this summer. which reminds me, i still need to take Jon to that arcade place. promised that i'd take him there for his birthday. we just haven't had the time yet. so much other stuff going on between work and moving my stuff and visiting with his family. i just want to go and read and take a nap now though. i'm all tense. nice relaxing bath before a nap would be nice. i started to take a nice bath last night but i'd only been in for 10 minutes when Jon called saying that he was going to be getting out of work early. oh well. was nice while it lasted. i'll take another bath soon. i'd forgotten how nice and relaxing it is to sit there and read in almond scented water with lavender incense burning. well, the incense was a new addition last night. i've only recently started burning stick incense. normally it gives me a bad headache 'cause it's synthetic but there's one brand that we sell at the store that makes what they call "botanical" scents. i think they're all natural. they don't bother me. and it's nice scents like lavender and frankincense and myrrh and sage, cedar, eucalyptus. haven't tried the patchouli yet. but i like this incense. they don't smell perfumey like things like "ocean wind" and "night queen". icky. i just want to go home. wonder what we'll do for dinner tonight. mind's too hazed and frustrated right now to even really think about dinner. or about anything. i just really want to be home now. getting to stressed and angry takes way too much energy. i'm very stressed now. i just want to go home and play on the computer now though. but i have to straighten the house first. Kribby's going to be spending the night tomorrow so that we can get an earlystart to the shore on saturday. cleaning shouldn't take too long though. there's not that much to do other than straightening and vaccuuming and mopping. none of which should taek very long. unless the mop decides to break like the rest of them have. ooooo, sunday is the Lammas circle. i can't wait. i'll take my drum. i hope i have enough time to play on the computer tonight before i have to go pick up Jon from work. cleaning really shouldn't take all that long. and i can leave the vaccuuming and mopping tiltomorrow if i have to. the only thing i can forsee as being likely to be put off is the vaccuuming because i don't want to be doing that too late at night. would like to go home now. definitely would like to do that. now i can start to think about dinner. don't have any idea though. so limited because i have to get Jon to his other job and he needs to eat before that. we shall see. want to take a nap now. it's raining again. like the rain. but it's been raining for days on end now. i just hope that it clears up for the weekend. would suck to go to the shore for a rainy weekend. i can't think of anyhting else to ramble about. it's been a long day and i've written alot. very much alot. hopefully i'll have time to update my page again tonight. i can't decide if it's a good thing or not that i've gotten back in the habit of this. i love my page but it's a reminder and an excuse and a trigger (if i let/want it to be).
7/28/00 on the way home from work yesterday Jon said my scars were horrible. they aren't. and even if they are, it's not for anyone else to say but me. at least that's the way i look at it. they're mine. so i'm the only one who can be critical about them. something like that. no one else really ever sees them. they're not there to most people. at least that's what i let myself believe.
8/3/00 'nother day to be at home in bed with book. oh well. doing laundry last night took alot less time than i thought it would. so i went home and took a nice long cool bath with candles and incense and bubbles. that was nice. with all the heat and humidity it was nicer to take a cool bath than a hot one. though hot ones are so relaxing. only thing that sucked about last night is that when i went to move that laundry from the washer to the dryer i found that the ne bottle of detergent had gotten a crack on one bottom corner and had leaked all in the basket and onto my laundry bag. so i had to run over the the store and get a basket and bag 'cause there was no where to rinse out the basket. oh well. now i have a giant bottle of detergent with a hole in it. i'm hoping that i can just put some packing tape or something over it to seal the hole. we shall find out. have to spend the next 2 nights at my parents' house while they are down the shore so that i can give my mutt dog his insulin (poor boy's diabetic and going blind.) it'll be nice to be with my sweetness again. hopefully she'll sleep with me. at least for a little while. she'll probably at least be totally in my face. off and on. that's the way she is. as long as i'm doing something that doesn't involve her she'll be right there.
8/4/00 it's another freezing day in the office. i miss my doggies. it's kindanice being home with them. they really love me. well, as much as a dog can. and my sweetness is so fantabulous. very tired today. slept really badly last night. even more worse than usual. had weird dreams and the knot under my shoulder blade is now about twice as bad as it was yesterday. and i keep waking up at wither 4 or 5 in the morning. usually 4. but it's annoying. would definitely liket o be back asleep right now. and i wish i wasn't so hungry lately either. picky picky me. it's so cold so cold so cold so cold. don't like being cold. no not at all. not one little bit. all bundled up in long sleeves and my sweater and i still sit here and shiver. this can't be good. going to watch Edward Scissorhands tonight. hopefully. depends on how late it is when we get back from his second job. we watched Sleepy Hollow last night. i like that movie. i suddenly miss riding very much. wish i had more time to start again. but i don't think that i'll have time any time soon really. 'cause if i quit the store in the spring it'll be so that i can go back to school which will take up a lot of time. i don't know. i miss living on campus and going to school. it's alot simpler that way. it's hard to have a job and go to school. it's so much easier to put off school work and studying then. i don't know. lunch time soon. relatively at least. 45 minutes to go. i'm very hungry. i like food. i also like sleep. don't know which is better. right now i think i'd take sleep though. eat when i wake up. i'm just very tired of being tired and being hungry.
definitely time to be going home and back to sleep. no time to though. gonna have to do dishes tonight (that's the joy of my parents house though, a dishwasher) and need to make something to take to theblot tomorrow. think i'll make cornbread and maybe a fruit salad. that would be nice. everyone enjoyed it last time. at least seemed to. or something. too tired to think very clearly right now. need more sleep. need better sleep. want to go home and sleep. yes i do. sleepy me. would also like like to take a warm bath and read for a while. i like to read while taking a warm bath.
8/6/00 figured it would make more sense just to make a combination of july and august entires rather than creating a whole new page for 2 july entries. or however many there were. ran out of space on my other july page. this works just as well though. as long as I don't have lots to say in august though. doesn't matter much though. head hurts. very tired. haven't slept well in way too long. keep waking up in themiddle of the night. hate that. and the knot under my shoulder blade just keeps getting worse. and i'm in some sort of depression and can't figure out why or shake it. and i'm getting very tired of it. i hate feeling iso.ated and uncared about and worthless and tired and like i want to cry. i'm really sick of it. but it won't go away. why can't i make it go away? where'd it come from any way? i need to lose some weight. i weighed myself the other day and i'm heavier than i thought i was. i'm 10 pounds heavier than iw as at this time last year. that sucks. i really need to exercise. i guess the walking across campus did function as at least some exercize. i just don't like this. Jon keeps talking about going with me to go get a bike so that we can ride together but it's not happening and summer is coming to an end and winter will be here soon and then we won't really want to be riding outside all that much. i don't know. gotta figure out if there's something that we can do in the house. i don't know. there's just so many things that i want to change about myself. and i really can't. at least this one i can. no, i won't starve myself. don't think i could even if i wanted to (which i actually have but for other reasons and it still never happened). i like to eat too much to not do it. i enjoy food. it's a good thing. can't live without it. and i know it's my fault for not exercizing. we shall see. i just wish i was better a things. wish i could write music and motivate myself enough to learn the guitar (wish i could remember which box i packed the books in). wish i could write stories and better poetry. wish i was coordinated and elegant. there's no one thing that i excell at. i'm just about average on most things, below average on more than enough other things. tired of being average. why can't i be really good at one thing? i don't know. getting too tired to think. head hurts. maybe i should take my shower befor ei go pick up Jon instead of after. but that would require effort. and i only have an hour. it'll just have to wait. it's not going to be a late night anyway. wonder what we'll do for dinner. worry about that later i guess. think i'll go read or something.
8/4/00 it's another freezing day in the office. i miss my doggies. it's kinda nice being home with them. they really love me. well, as much as a dog can. and my sweetness is so fantabulous. very tired today. slept really badly last night. even more worse than usual. had weird dreams and the knot under my shoulder blade is now about twice as bad as it was yesterday. and i keep waking up at wither 4 or 5 in the morning. usually 4. but it's annoying. would definitely liket o be back asleep right now. and i wish i wasn't so hungry lately either. picky picky me. it's so cold so cold so cold so cold. don't like being cold. no not at all. not one little bit. all bundled up in long sleeves and my sweater and i still sit here and shiver. this can't be good. going to watch Edward Scissorhands tonight. hopefully. depends on how late it is when we get back from his second job. we watched Sleepy Hollow last night. i like that movie. i suddenly miss riding very much. wish i had more time to start again. but i don't think that i'll have time any time soon really. 'cause if i quit the store in the spring it'll be so that i can go back to school which will take up a lot of time. i don't know. i miss living on campus and going to school. it's alot simpler that way. it's hard to have a job and go to school. it's so much easier to put off school work and studying then. i don't know. lunch time soon. relatively at least. 45 minutes to go. i'm very hungry. i like food. i also like sleep. don't know which is better. right now i think i'd take sleep though. eat when i wake up. i'm just very tired of being tired and being hungry.
definitely time to be going home and back to sleep. no time to though. gonna have to do dishes tonight (that's the joy of my parents house though, a dishwasher) and need to make something to take to theblot tomorrow. think i'll make cornbread and maybe a fruit salad. that would be nice. everyone enjoyed it last time. at least seemed to. or something. too tired to think very clearly right now. need more sleep. need better sleep. want to go home and sleep. yes i do. sleepy me. would also like like to take a warm bath and read for a while. i like to read while taking a warm bath.
8/7/00 very tired today. still haven't been able to get any good sleep. which is not a very good thing. it's no good being tired. just want to sleep more. don't want to be here at work, tired and cold. it's no fun at all. want to be at home in bed asleep. the blot on saturday was nice despite my being in a major mood thing. better today though. took a long hot shower last night and that seems to have taken some of the icky stuff away. almost most of it. hey, and i just noticed that the knot is pretty much gone. now the tops of my shoulders are a little stiff but other than that there's not too much pain. yippee. this is a good thing. very cold today though. humidity outside is incredibly high and you get chilled when you come in from that to a dry cold room. hair's also doing the poofy thing. don't like that. need to get my hair trimmed soon. or at least do it myself. if i could find my scissors. we had to move all of my boxes out of the hallway 'cause the landlord said we could fail inspection because of that. so now it's all crowded into the living room. so we have no room. and he wants to stay there. i mentioned that i want to move when the lease is up and he very nearly bugged out. i don't know why he wants to stay there. it's too small, the front lock doesn't work, the kitchen floor is a wreck, the bathtub doesn't drain well, we get ants and roaches on and off. he wants to stay 'cause the electric bill is low. what does that matter when the place is tiny? my sister pays less than we do for a place nearly twice the size. but he doesn't want to leave the town we're in and he doesn't want to live in an apartment complex. which basically screws us. i don't know. i never wanted to live in a city. which is right where i am now. i don't know what to do there's plenty of laces in and around that aren't as bad as where we are. not that it's a bad side of town or something. i just don't want to spend the next 5 years of my life living out of boxes. which is very nearly what i'm doing. the only thing that i've got set up in the house is my dresser with some of my clothes and my altar. i use the walk in closet for my dresses but it's crowded with lots of miscellaneous junk. i just can't really handle living so messily and such. i live there but i don't . neither of us is home enough to keep the place clean which i hate. i mean, what if we could find a place that costs less? then we wouldn't have to work so much and we could keep the house clean. i can understand that he doesn't want to keep moving because that's all that he's been doing for 10 years or so. but i don't think that that's reason enough to stay in a place that's mediocre. it's not a place to settle down in and i don't see how he could possibley think that. i don't know. i'm stressing over anything and everything that i possibley can lately. ideally i would like a house but there's no way that i could afford that right now. part of me just wants to pick up everything and move to some other state. just drop everything and move. not sensible so i don't thin ki'll be doing anything like that but i would certainly like to get out of where we are. ok, enough about that. not to rant about my job at the store a little bit. not that it's bad but i can no longer cash my paycheck there because of some idiots. one of which is now fired. but that's how i get my cash for the week. i dont' have time to go to the bank. it's closed by the time i get out fo work and if i work saturday morning at the store, well that covers all of the bank's hours. it's just a giant pain in the ass. i wasn't involved in any of the problems going on but she spent about half of the staff meeting harping onthe problems and what it was doing to her. like she's the only one who works there who gets stressed and has health problems. i get tired of hearing how this does this to her and that is doing that and on and on and on. i don't mean to be unsympathetic but there's only so much i can take. she is not the only one who has problems sleeping and gets migraines. i don't know. enough of that. i feel like i'm being mean and cold hearted. but yesterday i started wondering what gave me the right to be so screwed up in the head when i wasn't abused or anything and there are people out there who had abusive or alcoholic parents. i don't know. i'm just so disatisfied with who i am lately. mental note to self, need to get gas and go to bank during lunch break. anyway. i wason being disatisfied. i don't know. i'm not really anything that i would like to be but who i want to be is really not in my control to change to. lunch time soon. i went on a whole healthy food type thing last night when we went grocery shopping. granola bars and fruit and skim organic milk and 12 grain bread. at least this is healthy for me. going to try and make myself eat apples or carrots when i want a snack instead of chips and salsa. drink more milk and juice. eat breakfast so i don't get hungry during the day. we'll see how long this lasts. anyway. bank and gas. must remember bank and gas.
want to go to sleep. why is that such a common theme for me. all i want to do is sleep. i'm entirely too lazy. not a good thing. best thing that's come out of last week is that now Lisa is going to give us 40% off books. it used to be 20%. now i'm going to buy way too many books. can't be an all bad thing though. at some point i need to either buy or make something to act as an altar cloth. at least i would like to. my brain seems to have stopped thinking. too tired to attempt to think any more. more energy than my body has to use right now. i could just really use one good night's sleep. i would really like that. wish it was going home time now. would like that too. would like lots of things that just aren't going to happen any time soon. why does there have to be 4 hours left until i can go home? why do we have to work at all? i just drank too much cold water too fast and now my stummy's not happy. argh. anyway. need something to do. nothing to really do right now. except make some follow up phone calls but i don't really want to do that. don't like making calls. and my other project would involve making phone calls to get it started. no fun. very tired. want to sleep. sleep is a good thing. theoretically. wish my stomach wasn't feeling so unhappy. hate it when i drink too much too fast. very tired. need more energy. down to only 3 hours now. time is being eaten away slowly but surely. want to go home now though. half feel like i should call out of work one day this week or something so that i can make up some sleep. how the hell are we going to get the house clean for saturday? have a bunch of people from Jon's group coming over to discuss plans for an upcoming event. but the house is a wreck and we have no place to put all the stuff that we had to pull out of the hallway. at least we have chairs now. but still. the house is a total mess. it's going to stress me out now. my eyes are really starting to bug me. wonder what we'll do for dinner. maybe we'll just buy him something and i'll make myself dinner and he can take the leftovers for lunch tomorrow. just ate a nice apple. gala apple. not as good as the ones that my mom gets from her grocery store. i like apples. they remind me of fall. i like fall. 5 minutes til 2 hours left. fall and spring are my favorite seasons. i think fall is my absolute favorite though. i love crunchy leaves and crisp air and jeans and sweaters. my eyes are hurting really bad today. happens when i get really stressed or don't get enough sleep. or both. bit by bit it's getting closer to going home time. which is good. definitely will be good to go home. i'm rambling an awful lot today. guess that means i haven't had much work. or at least not that much work that i want or have to do. i'll pick up Jon and have dinner and go home and then do something. clean and take a bath or something.
8/10/00 blecky today. have a nice happy cold. spent the past 2 days in bed with a heavy head. now it's all in my chest and i'm coughing left and right (mostly left). at least i can move around without feeling like i'm going to fall over now. starting to fade a little though. was feeling almost chipper a little earlier. would like to be back in bed now. i don't think the changes in temperature in this building are going to be good for me. getting over heated and then cooling down quickly over and over probably isn't a good thing. just ate some swedish fish. i like swedish fish. especially the red ones. and this was a bag of just red ones. unfortunately i didn't have any breakfast this morning so this is sugar on an empty stomach. not such a good idea. my poor nose is all sore now. going through so many tissues. i hate being sick. i think i just totally wore myself down though. i've been stressing myself out so badly lately. i think i just stressed myself out so much taht i shot my immune system and got sick from the first bug i was exposed to. which was on saturday at the blot. so now i get to be all icky and miserable. at least my attitude is better now. i'm not stressing. i really hate being sick though. and i rarely get this sick. this is twice in a year now. i need to take a nap. well, don't need to, would like to.
feeling a little more alive since eating lunch. not looking foward to going to my other job tonight though. gonna be tired as it is but i also have to work with the new guy who i'm thrilled with. he does his work and all i just don't really like working with him. the knot under my shoulder blade isn't liking all this coughing at all. tired. need a nap. well, not sleepy though. would like to lie down though. need to relax more. would like to lie down and read. that would be nice. or read in a nice hot bath. easy to say when i'm sittin gin air conditioning. not gonna want that hot bath so much once i get outside in the humidity. oh well. i'll try to get to bed relatively early. but i want to take a shower before i go to sleep to help clear my head a little but i won't get home until 10:30 or so. if i'm asleep before midnight, that'll be relatively early for me. and hopefully i can sleep through the night again. well, as much through the night as i was before i got sick. i did last night, only had my standard 5 a.m. wakeup. wish i could stop coughing though. it's getting deeper now and those deep chest coughs are the ones that really hurt. don't want to go to the store. want to go home. don't want to eat dinner. but if i don't eat it before i leave i won't really have time to do it when i get to the store. want to sleep. don't want to work with the new guy. so paranoid of work now. feel like if you do one little thing wrong that she's gonna fire you. would really like to sleep now. would also really like to stop coughing. throat's all tickly.
8/11/00 must be getting better. my appetite is back. actually feel like eating breakfast today. quite hungry though. which isn't a bad thing considering i haven't felt like eating for the past 3 days. food! anyway. very tired though. been coughing a lot.
i hate the bank. had to sit for 15 minutes in a drive through line only to be told that i had to come inside because i didn't have my account # on me. so i go inside and have to wait another 10 minutes just to give them my ssn. why couldn't we just do that in the first line? so i wasted half my lunch break trying to cash one check. great. sucks that i can't cash my checks at the store any more. i don't have the time to be doing this every week. well, i do kind of but i don't want to have to. it's a pain in the butt. it's getting cloudy out. there was talk of the possibility of thunderstorms this afternoon. i actually really wouldn't be too opposed to that. it's raining now. like the rain. would like to be home in bed with a book ow. that would definitely be nice. like to read. wish Jon wasn't working his second job tonight. he didn't get any cleaning done last night so i't's up to me to ge tthe bulk of it done tonight and leave only the things like mopping and vacuuming for tomorrow afternoon. but then we also have to cook something to feed the people. or at least have food to feed them. question is what. ooo, it's really raining now. wish we were in a place where i could hear the rain on the roof. that's always so soothing. rain seems to have stopped for now. hey, i'm off on sunday. that means i can sleep in. which i really need to do. and then i can spend some time on the computer updating my page 'cause i haven't gotten the chance to yet this week. hey, maybe we can make Jon's vegetable stew. that's vegan, which means that Karen can eat it. and it's good. I really like it. only problem is that it's so warm out lately that who's really gonna wanna eat a hot stew. but then it's not like it's as heavy as a beef stew. i think we can do it. and it's not that hard to make. we can probably get it thrown together before everyone comes over. my cold is really starting to clear up alot today. at least it feels that way. my nose is get clearer and clearer by the minute. always a nice thing. and my cough isn't what it was last night and this morning. 'nother nice thing. hee. need to remember to buy a pair of cleaning gloves before i go home. i should also balance my checkbook on sunday. i've gotten much better about keeping track of everything i just need to double check my balance against what the bank says i have. note to self, need to trim hair tonight. found my scissors last night while looking for another thing of chapstick. that's the main problem (well one of them) of being sick is that my lips and nose get all sore and raw. don't like that. almost makes me feel more miserable than the stuffy head and cough do. wonder what we should do for dinner tonight. don't want to have to clean tonight. want to be able to spend a relaxing evening like he got to do yesterday. don't want to have to work tomorrow morning. don't even know what i should wear tomorrow. think about that later i guess. i just haven't had the chance to iron anything.
