July journal 2000
7/10/00 very tired today. need much more sleep. well, maybe not need but would certainly like it. or at least to stay in bed and read all day. yesterday was relatively bad day. slept in late, went to a diner for lunch, and then hit the used book store across the street (books 1/2 off cover price. can't get much better than that). was supposed to go to Arthur's after I dropped Jon off at work to play the RPG we started a few weeks ago. but arrival time was never set in stone on my end but when i got there he launched into this lecture about how bad it was that i didn't let him know i was gonna be late, that it would've been more forgiveable if i hadn't even called at all (Jon had called in the morning to let him know i'd be there). after dealing with a snooty person at the diner i couldn't handle that so i just walked out and went to the university gardens and read for a while and then went home and read. not gonna put up with that kind of crap. it was just more than i could handle yesterday. it's supposed to be a fun thing (well, that's what i thought) and he gets all nazi like about time. he needs to learn that the world is not here to do his bidding. not everything is going to go according to his will, no matter how much magic he uses. so screw that. i'm out of the game. the stress is not worth it. i will not go out of my way to rearrange my schedule so that i can get lectured in front of everybody about how horrible it is to not let someone know you're gonna be late. even if i'd had the chance to let him know, i don't have a cell phone. pray tell, how am i supposed to let him know if i have no phone? it all sounds so childish but my head just snappeed. i didn't really want to be there in the first place. wish it would rain. it's way too humid today. i could really go for a thunderstorm. there's too much tension in everything today between the weather and work. can't handle too much of that. too much stress. not a good thing. i go out to dinner tonight with Jon. we have a relaxing evening. i hope. we haven't gone out to dinner for a while. it'll be nice to have a night out without having the mess of cooking and cleaning up. though i do have to do the dishes when we get home tonight. we have quite a stack in the sink. oh well. we're getting a little lazy about doing them as we use them. well, it's time for me to head off to lunch. yippee. i'm very hungry.
wish i hadn't had to get fast food for lunch. but had to stop off at my parents house to drop something off for Kribby so i didn't have time for much else. oh well. stummy's not too happy right now. it'll be ok though. it's just all that greasy food. after i'd been somewhat good for a few days. wanna go home now. too much tension here. one of the high people is on the warpath, determined to find and complain about every little mistake. like he's mister perfect. he tells us to release things but screws up the part number so we have to put is all back on backorder. that's much more of a pain and hassle and potential problem than an overlooked international order that needs customs papers. those can't ship without them so it's not like they're gonna get somewhere and have missing paperwork. it's a pain when you have guys in the warehouse running around looking for parts that aren't in stock. but of course he then blames us saying that we're the ones who mixed up the part number. idiot. he's so full on himself. and he's very confrontational. not good thing at all. nope. anyway. wish i could be reading right now. got the latest issue of Sage Woman today. well, i picked it up at least. i don't know when it actually arrived. but it's a great magazine. i still can't believe that my parents actually subscribed to it for me. it's a cool magazine. more focused on straight goddess worship than i am but there's some great stories and information in there. can learn lots of stuff from many places. i just really enjoy that magazine. wish everything wasn't so tense today. maybe i'm imagining it. just feels like everyone, well, mostly everyone, is in attack mode. anyway. the broom closet door is starting to crack open. today some of the guys in the warehouse were asking me questions about my necklaces (my goddess and Cernnunos) and earrings (pentacles). well, i was relatively general but honest. they didn't seem to have any problem with it. which is good. i just don't know how far it's all gonna reach now. does it stay back there or does it get from them to their boss and from there to the boss boss. dunno. guess we'll see. not worrying about it too much though. not gonna feel much like doing dishes tonight. i'm gonna want to read my magazine. hee. really like that magazine. anyway. granola bars good. just ate one 'cause my blood sugar was dropping. it's been doing that alot lately. i get very hungry too often. and i'm not really eating any less than i have been. just getting hungry alot. i should eat better. will be nice to go out for dinner though. i hope he had a good day. oh, side thought. Lisa hired a new person at the store and it sounds like he's gonna be great. but with that is coming that she's decided (finally) to fire one of the people who's been a bit of a problem lately. and basically since she was hired. very nice person, just incompetent. it just sucks that she really loves working there and it's her only job. i just hope that she takes it well. don't know whether she's the type of person to get depressed over it or to get angry. we shall see i suppose. it just makes me paranoid though i don't think i should be. i think that i'm on eof her good employees and that my job isn't at risk. hell, she probably pays me the least out of everybody so there's be no real sense in letting me go. i'm a pretty good working and economical. :-) though she is having us do self evaluations and then having a meeting to discuss it with us and she said that i'm due a raise. hey, maybe i'll start making a whole $6.25 and hour instead of just $6. anyway. wanna go home now. would like to read. definitely would like to read. getting bored of writing about nothing. never used to get bored with writing about nothing. oh well. things change.
7/11/00 cold in here again. don't like it when it's cold in here. not a good thing. don't like being cold. wish i could figure out why i'm not sleeping too well. i keeping waking up in the middle of the night. around 4:30 or so. no fun. so i'm very tired when i wake up in the morning. fortunatley i'm not as tired as i was the one week (or however long it was) that i just kept nearly falling asleep at my desk. put my head down for 2 seconds at lunch one day and was just about to fall alseep when someone came by and woke me up. i was really out of it then. better now. not quite that tired. but still tired. tired enough that if i went back to bed i would fall sleep rather than just wanting to lie there and read. oh well. really wish it wasn't this cold in here though. i'm wearing long sleeves and a sweater and socks and my hands and nose are still cold. my fingernails sometimes start to turn purplish because i'm so cold. how can that be good? some explain that. please. anyway. i just really hate being cold. i really don't understand how the people here can possibley be comfortable in just short sleeves. anywya. enough on being cold. it's not that interesting. wish it was lunch time. getting hungry. didn't take time to eat cereal this morning. didn't have any clean bowls anyway. we went out to a movie after dinner last night so the dishes didn't get done. was thinking about doing them tonight but i need to take a shower tonight and i'm working both jobs. so maybe tomorrow. though i need to do laundry tomorrow night while Jon is at work. too much to do, too little time. sucks. wish i had more than one day off at a time. never have any time to do stuff. would also like to take another vacation. i've been dying to get to the beach. just want to sit out on the sand and read. wish i could afford to take another week off and spend it at the beach or something like that. i don't like having to work 50 of the 52 weeks of the year. i think we should have more time off. maybe this means that i really should become a teacher. wonder if it pays enough to live off of though. only an hour left until lunch time. this is a good thing. wonder if i'll have enough time to take a shower tonight before i go to pick up Jon from his second job. depends on how early we get out of the store. i'll see if we can push to get out of there as early as possible. we shall see i suppose. that way i won't have to stay up all that late just to take a shower and then i might also actually have time to do the dishes. not eto self, must get gas at lunch time. starting to get rather low. getting very hungry now. want to go eat lunch. 20 more minutes though. though i probably could leave a little earlier if i wanted to. but i like my lunch hour 'cause it basically separates my day in half.
less than 2 months to ny b-day. kinda scary thought. getting tired of this whole growing up business. i miss being little and actuallly believing in imaginary friends. i'm tired. would like to take a nap. would be nice. wish i didn't have to work at the store tonight. not that i don't like the store.
7/13/00 i'm bored. i want to be at home sleeping or reading. i don't want to have to work both jobs today. i want to have some time to relax. but i also feel all motivated like. i want to start riding again. i want to write stories (i can't write like that to save my life though). i want to get the house clean. i'm tired of having to pick my way through the house like a mountain goat. i don't know. i just don't have any real time to do stuff. need to go buy a vacuum. maybe i'll do that tomorrow night after i drop Jon off at work. I'll go pick one up and then do a little cleaning. I keep putting off that ritual that i want to do to Sif until the house is decently clean. and it never reaches a clean point. i get tired of a messy house. i'm hoping that once we get it clean we can basically keep it clean. or at least relatively so. it'll help if we can get the box out of the living room from the tuner he bought last week. i hope he does the dishes today. i kept mean ing to but never got around to it. it's his turn anyway. i've been doing most of the cooking and dishes lately.
want to be at home reading right now. don't want to work any more today. would much rather sleep. why is there never a comfortable temperature in here? with the a.c. on i'm freezing but thenwhen it clicks off it gets too warm in here. argh. oh well. but i'd rather be warm than cold.
7/19/00 very tired today. didn't sleep well at all. kept waking up. don't like that. so now i'm very tired. wish i could sleep better. hungry too.
didn't get the chance to eat breakfast this morning. Jon did some great cleaning yesterday. he got he dishes done and straightened the kitchen and the hallway room. so i put away my clothes and put together the vaccuum and vacuumed. hee. is good to have a vacuum that works.
it's been an interesting week. one of my friends finally set the date for her wedding and asked me to be in it. she started dating her fiance back in high school just before i had started to date Jon. difference was that they ended up at the same school after a year. i think that if we'd been closer things might've been different. if i had gone to a school closer to Cornell or if he'd switched to RU. i don't know. it kinda makes me wish that things had worked out though. 'cause that's what we had planned on and expected. we were supposed to graduate from college and then get married. but that didn't happen. sometimes i wish it had. i miss feeling the way i did for him. but then there were lots of little things that were just hard to deal with. so i think overall i'm much better off now. but i wonder if i'll ever reach that point with this Jon. i mean the point of seriously talking about marriage and having kids. i think that's where his family thinks we should be heading and i certainly don't disagree but i don't know about him. i mean i know he wants kids and all but there's so much that he wants to do before that happens and i don't know how much of what he wants to accomplish will happen within a reasonable time frame for him to still have kids. i don't know. we shall i see i suppose. another thing that happend this week is that i found out that one of the girls i know who was pregnant lost her baby. i felt so bad 'cause she was so thrilled about it. but it made me wonder how often that happens.
7/21/00 don't want to work. want to be at home reading. want to not think. been kind obsessing off an on the past couple days. wish things were different. wish more mystical magical things were real. kind of wish thing were the way they were supposed to, the way they were planned. wish i could write and be poetic and creative and actually express what goes on in my head. ideas that just won't solidify. they just float. or run. wish my head wouldn't hurt every single day. i get so tired of having headaches. wish i was still riding. but that one i can fix. just need to find a stable nearby that i can afford and that i like. well, relatively near by. i used to drive a 1/2 hour to get to the stable for lessons. i miss riding. it would be nice to exercise somewhat. want to be home now. but i don't want to go home and do dishes like i'm supposed to though. woud rather read or play on the computer. something like that. dunno. tired. wish i was sleeping better. i get tired of not sleepingwell. just like i get tired of having headaches ad being cold all the time. but it's friday and that means that Red Dwarf should be on tonight. that is a good and funny british comedy. head is starting to hurt again. it actually went away for a little while this morning. but then it starting in the morning was a little odd to begin with. for the most part the headaches haven't been starting until after lunch. you know, the scars on my arm are fading a little. unless i'm insane (which is entirely possible) the ones on my arm from th scissors are just about disappeared. there's only 2 that seem to be visible at all. it may just be because i'm tan right now. but maybe not. so is this a good thing or not? those weren't the bad ones anyway. the other ones are. those are big and pale. though looking at them right now, they don't seem so bad. but i'm biased. and the scarring was usually part of my purpose anyway. i generally don't hate them. not often. they're me. i made them me. you know, it's a nice day out, a really nice day. but it doesn't seem to have the energy that some days have. right at the beginning of most seasons there seems to be lots of energy in the air. but there's not that much lately. is it just because it's the middle of the season or is that just the way that summer is? it's so hot that the energy really can't flow too well. or something. the weather is odd though. unusually cool for the middle of July. it's more like late may. maybe i'm just getting tired of being normal. at least normal by my standards. i don't know. i really need to get my hair cut. it's a lot longer than i realized. which isn't bad. the ends are just starting to get icky again.
7/23/00 very tired today. slept in until noon. didn't actually get out of bed until 1. wasted a day off. i should've been cleaning the house or at least gotten outside for a little while and read. that's what i was planning to do. go to a park and read for a little while. but just wasted my day instead. not the brightest thing to do. tried to write here earlier and it wouldn't let me log on. which annoyed me. that's the only reason why i bothered to get out of bed. so i took a shower and went grocery shopping. just want to go back to sleep. but i won't bother 'cause it'll just make me feel even more tired. which i don't need right now. what i need is for my neck to stop hurting and the cat to stop bothering me. not my sweetness. i could deal with my sweetness. one of Jon's cats. i like his cats but they can be way too demanding sometimes. my eyes are tired. finally got around to doing the ritual to dedicate the amber ring i bought to Sif (ok, i know amber is usually associated with Freya but the color just makes me think Sif. can't help it). anyway. wish i could figure out what's making me obsess again. i visit web sites that i know can trigger me. listen to music that i know can trigger me. find myself wanting to go back to the message board. haven't been there in so long. it helped for a while but then is tarted using it as a way to trigger myself. bad me. i'm wanting that part of my identity back. i want it back. i want to solve my problems without having to think about them. i want my scars back. i want them back. no one sees them anyway (a load of bull and i know it but i can still tell myself that it's true). i don't know. can't tell if i'm me or not anymore. how can i be me if i'm trying to get rid of something that's a really big part of me. what's so wrong with it anyway? i don't see why it's so bad. i cope one way you cope another. who's to say what way is better than the other? wish i could lose some weight. everyone says i'm so thin. but i'm not. my legs are fatter than they should be. i really would like to lose 5-10 pounds. not too much. need to eat better and exercise. it's hard to eat well when you have so little time for anything. let alone exercise and eating well. it would help if we had more time to do our own cooking. but we don't. oh well. how can i think about taking back that part of my identity when i have all these ideas about where i want to end up in life. i want to have kids. and relatively soon too. but i can't have si as a prt of my life when i have kids. i won't have that. but then how much of a choice will i really have in the matter? i don't know. i'm just trying to make myself belive that it's and ok thing to do. and sometimes i believe that. but i'm getting to be too rational. i know i have the power to decide, weigh the consequences. i want to stop feeling. well, sometimes at least. if i make myself feel physical pain then i won't feel what's going on inside. that's the purpose. i don't know. can't think to write any more today.
7/24/00 really wish i could sleep better. keep waking up so i'm very tired in the morning and don't want to get out of bed. bed is so comfortable and warm and snuggly. much better place to be than at a desk at work. espcially when i know that i'll be freezing by lunch time. oh well. i was good and put a rubber band around my wrist yesterday. don't know if it'll do any good but at least it's there. i'm afraid it'll just encourage me to use it instead of trying to deal like i have been. i mean, i made it 6 months without having one. so why do i need it now? we'll see. too tired to think right now though. don't want to think. want to go home and sleep. gonna clean the bathroom tonight though. it's all icky. and i finally found a shower caddy to put all of our stuff on. one of those things that hangs over the shower head and holds the soap and shampoo and stuff. i've been trying to find one for a while and finally did. bought that and got Jon a bathing suit and a new belt and detergent and pictionary (he really wanted it. who we're going to play with i have no idea though) and the Toby Keith cd that has "How Do You Like Me Now" on it. love that song. yes, i like country music. sometimes. this song belongs on my happy tape. i should update my happy tape. i need to add that song and that Sting song. and i should probably add some Meat Loaf. hee. i'm hungry. didn't have time to eat breakfast this morning. really should make time to eat breakfast. i miss eating breakfast. breakfast is a good meal. well, any meal has the potential to be good. really wish i wasn't so tired. really don't like being tired. it's no fun. just want to sleep. or at least be at home relaxing. the sky is turning some interesting colors. looks like it's gonna rain. and the tinted windows make the sky look kinda grey yellow. pukey looking but kinda cool in it's way 'cause it means it should rain. and i like rain.
sky is starting to clear a bit. no longer the pending rain color. just clousy. oh well. wish it would rain though. i tried to make a doctor's appointment this morning but the one place i called said they didn't take my insurance. i call the company, they said i could go see any doctor i want. so now i'm all confused. i don't know if what i have is insurance or just some sort of plan or what. i don't know how it works. no one really explained it. i gotta see if i can find all my papers on it but they didn't tell me much to begin with from what i remember. i don't know. it's just so frustrating. i finally got myself together enough to try and make an appointment and it falls apart. doesn't help my head any. just makes me feel all confused and not happy. i'm just feeling kind of off in general since lunch. kind of quivery. not shivery like i'm cold, just unbalanced or ungrounded. note to self, put on some hematite when i get home. almost feels like my blood sugar is low, like when i get really really hungry and i get shakey. but it's not that. feels different. wonder what it is. maybe i am hungry. don't really feel like eating though. although as i now sit here eating some marvelous dove dark chocolate, i'm not feeling quite as shaky. guess it was just low blood sugar. now i feel a little sick though from eating chocolate on an empty stomach. can't win. oh well. have music running through my head. not a bad thing but it makes it hard to focus. drinking too much water. making my stomach hurt. i'm just a well of complaints today, aren't i? when am i not? hopefully i'll feel better after i get home and accomplish something. i will clean the bathroom. i will do this. hopefully i can get Jon to cook dinner. i will clean the bathroom and then take a shower in all its lovely cleanness. and hopefully i'll have time to update my page again tonight. i should as long as he doesn't decide to get on the computer and play games. which i have a feeling he will. we shall see. just don't know what i want for dinner. i'll worry about that a little bit later. see what Jon wants and go from there. or something. i don't feel much like thinking any more but there's not much else to do other than sitting here and writing. could enter some orders but i'll leave that for the morning. would much rather do that. random thought, finished my book at lunch so now what am i going to read? wonder if i shoul dbother to try to find The Mists of Avalon or if i should finish The Oathbound. i'll decide that later too. probably end up with the second one just 'cause it'll be a pain in the butt to try and dig out my book boxes. but i would like to read Mists again. and i'd like to find it 'cause i'm not exactly sure where it is anyway. it seems to be MIA. or something. really would like to be going home soon. don't want to be at work doing nothing any more. besides, i'm hungry and would like my dinner now. note to self, need to pay credit card bill. boring. really would like to get home and start cleaning before i lose my motivation. 'cause then i won't want to clean any more and it won't be as fun. only 5 more minutes now though. wish i wan't feeling so disoriented. i don't feel quivery any more but it's like my eyes aren't keeping up with my head when i turn it. so i'm off kilter or something. i don't know. i just want to be home now. well, i can start shutting down my computer now. later.
7/25/00 it's very cold in here. i'm very tired. could barely get myself out of bed this morning. i really did not sleep well last night. had odd dreams about amusement parks and riing on roller coasters. i don't know. so we ended up running a few minutes late there. which wouldn't have been a problem if we hadn't hit every possible red light, slow truck, and back up. i hate traffic. can we say road rage? or something like that at least. i do not like driving. so that made me very cranky. and freezing my butt off in here certainly isn't helping matters at all. although i am better since i ae my breakfast granola bar. i was in a horrid mood this morning. very very pessimistic. a little better now. which is good. but i've been spending the past couple days wishing Jon and I had a little more direction. i mean, i really would like to just be settling down and having kids. but we're kind of directionless. and we can't stay that way forever. i want to have kids. i think he'd make a great father. but if he really wants to have kids like he says he does we really don't have that much time. well, assuming that we're going to have kids together. which could be assuming alot. but i would like to. mail man's here. he's a piss face. not a nice person at all. anyway. only about an hour until lunch time. just got an e-mail back explaining the health plan. i feel much better now. now i can make an appointment. that confusion really had me up a wall. i couldn't seem to get any clear answers anywhere. can't wait til lunch time. now that i'm not confused any more I feel much better. head is clearer. definitely a good thing. anyway. I really would like to have a baby soon. I don't know if I'm ready but then I don't know if that's something that you can ever be totoally ready for. it's just odd that I get so disappointed every month when my period starts. this really isn't somehting that I should be hoping for right now. but I can't help it. don't know why. time for a newsubject. but why change the subject when it's not a bad one and it keeps me from thinking about other things. it's like I have 2 personalities or something. part of me wants to be the dark miserable si me. the other actually wants to be normal and adult. i keep zoning out. mind starts to wander and do it's own thing for a little while. nearly reach a state of non-thinking sometimes. it's pretty cool. useless while I'm at work though. oh well. only 1/2 hour until lunch. this is a good thing. I'm hungry. looks like it's gonna rain some more. it rained last night. would like more than a drizzle though. i wouldn't even mind a bit of a thunderstorm. a nap would be the best thing though. definitely would like a nap. but instead i get to work both jobs today. even more fun. and with the new guy who i think doesn't like me. but then i've only spoken with him a couple times. he just doesn't seem to be all that friendly towards me. which is annoying and hard to deal with even though i actually put out effort to be friendly. ok, computer systems being slow so i can't go to lunch until this stupid booking goes through. well, not really. if it doesn't go through in another couple minutes i'll just go and worry about it when i come back.
it printed. finally. so i had a lovely lunch outside. isn't raining though. i like to sit in my car and eat lunch when it's raining. like to watch the rain on the windshield and listen to it on the roof. it's nice. rather relaxing. want to go home and sleep now. just want to curl up under a blanket and sleep. sleep is good. getting tired of only wanting to sleep though. need more energy. need more sleep. much to tired to think or do work. would love to be asleep now.
i wonder how many people actually end up at this site on purpose. i wonder how many who get here by accident stop and browse. i don't know. and i'm too lazy to bother to figure out how to add a guestbook. oh well. i accomplished my dish cleaning and buying of mop goals. added a cooler and a pair of sandals to that list. going to the beach this weekend. i haven't owned a pair of sandals in forever. at least it feels that way. i think i need to stop writing now. i just have this feeling that if i keep writing i'll talk myself into triggering myself for the hell of it. something like that. but i want to write. but i don't have much to write about. other than the recurring thought/urges in my head. i want to run around yelling "look at me look at me look at me" but also "don't look at me don't look at me". things of that nature. if that makes any sense. probably not. dunno. don't matter. it's like i want to be aknowledged and go unnoticed at the same tie. i don't know. i've been thinking about maybe starting to see a therapist again. but i wonder if it would accomplish anything or even if i need it (bull, if i'm still cutting and wanting to i think i still need to). i don't know. it's letting myself still know that it's a problem which gives me an excuse. i know, my head's all twisted since it can take the fact that it's a problem and use that to justify doing it. it makes it ok. in a way. maybe i'm looking for someone to say that it's ok to do it until i don't need it any more. the thing is that i don't need it now. not really. i don't feel like i'm making any sense any more. and i'm writing more that i said i was gonna. so i go do something else now.
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