november '99
11/2/99 well, hope everyone had a happy and blessed Samhain/Halloween. was a rather quiet and uneventful weekend for me. didn't get the chance to do any sort of real ritual but still got to at least spend time with some friends. and got to dress up for work. though I've learned that heels are perhaps the most evil thing ever invented. every man should be forced to wear stockings and high heels for an entire day. I don't understand how most women put up with it. down with heels!!!! anyway. I'm waiting patiently for my athame to arrive so that I can be taught how to cleanse it so that I can actually use it. it'll be nice to actually have some ritual tools. anyway. not too sure what to ramble about. don't really have any sort of direction tonight. no real purpose to write other than the fact that I have nothing else to do at the moment. well, read. I'm in the middle of a fabulous Mercedes Lackey book. though I'm sure all of her books are fabulous. all the ones that I've read so far have been. you know what's been cool though? lately I've been getting e-mails from different people about my site. I feel like it's actually serving a purpose now. I don't know how they're getting here since I don't think I come up on any search engines (despite the fact that I've tried to suggest adding my site, that whole process is annoying) and I'm only linked to one page that I know of. it was supposed to be 2 but the other person hasn't added me to her links yet. oh well. doesn't matter much. people are still getting here and finding something that they like. guess that's where a guestbook serves a purpose. I wonder if I'd get any more feedback that way. I myself have never take the time to sign guestbooks. I wonder how mny people actually do. perhaps I should figure out how to add one and find out. not too bad of an idea. on my to do list then. it's strange, I've been good for so long now but I got a passing urge earlier this evening. for no real reason other than the fact that I can do it. but the driving need isn't really there. so it passed. which is good I suppose. part of me is missing it. but not very often. 'cause I don't think about it very often. haven't had any real reason to. my scars are seeming more obvious now for some reason though. which is starting to disturb me. I used to love them completely. very rarely have I been disgusted with them. but I've found myself being somewhat embarassed by them. probably because they really are more noticeable than I think. I was talking to a customer the other day and he made a passing comment about my arms. and earlier that day I had slammed my arm pretty hard agains the corner of a divider and I was showing one of the other girls my pretty bruise and of course it's right on top of a whole bunch of scars. why sis I never notice or understand that they really are that noticeable? they really are. there's no hiding them or denying them. and I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and his parents last night and I kept trying to keep my sleeves down 'cause they felt so incredibly obvious. especially the one from the last burn on my arm. it's still rather bright pink. and it's nearly a year old now. oh well. they're never going to go away. and I used to be fine with that fact. why has that changed? I don't really unerstand. I guess they feel a bit more obvious because I've lost my watch. which covered up some of them, mostly smaller ones, none of the nastier looking ones but it's still something of a sheild. wish I could find my watch. oh well. I also like knowing what time it is. so it goes. anyway. I think I'll go read for a few minutes now. later.
11/14/99 I'm really not keeping up with this. I used to write in my regular journal on a daily basis. now I'm so bad about it. I just don't have or make the time to do it. I don't feel the same need to do it as I used to. it used to be a much needed outlet. not so much any more. wonder why. it's still that whole question of why I've been able to go over 3 months without a single si episode. which is cool I suppose. I miss it though. I was thinking about that the other day. as much as the emotional pain hurts there's a part of me that misses being in a black despair finding solace only in physical pain and blood. which seems silly and stupid and sick. I don't know. part of me likes keeping myself separate from the rest of the world. it's strange. or something. I don't know. I've been having passing si urges lately. don't know why. well, it's partially just because I can. when I start feeling like that I should force myself to stop and look at by stupid scarred arms. maybe that'll bring me back to reality. they are really bad. worse than I ever thought they were. how did I ever think that it was noticeable and obvious? they're gross and ugly. but comforting at the same time. no, I'm not screwed up. apparently I'm a lot less screwed up than I thought. which is a good thing. usually is at least. better to be more normal and sane. really it is. I have nothing to ramble about so I should just go read. I bought my own copies of the Heral-Mage trilogy by Mercedes Lackey. hee. finished Firebird (also by her) and started re-reading the trilogy. love these books. would be neat to have powers like the herald-mages and even just the mages. but with that power comes duty. oh well. herald-mage or jedi, my goal in life. actually sith lord. but that's a whole other story. no, I'm not evil. of course not. I'm a good little me. right. off with (my head) me. later.
11/30/99 last day of november and no real sign of snow, winter, sold air, basically nothing. it's pathetic. global warming sucks big time. I like snow. I would like to see snow for christmas this year for a change. fat chance. not much to ramble abou today. again. just writing 'cause I actually have the time for a change. dunno. got to unpack some really awesome dragons today. that was lots of fun. and crystal balls. fun also. heavy little suckers though. hee. I'm tired. have a fire going. fire is good. we like fire. yes we do. I hate being home. too much time to sit and think and temptations too close at hand. family very easy trigger. just one wrong word or one too many and I'll get all icky. or if she gets it in her head to hug me or something. *cringe* don't like that at all. sad. I feel bad for feeling like that but it can't be helped. feel the same way about dad but at least he doesn't usually try to. oh well. guess it's either kill them or myself right? or move very very very far away. or at the very least spend as little time here as possible. which I basically do now anyway. spend my time in better company. which reminds me of the thought that I had earlier. it's truly amazing what a boost in self esteem can do. I know that since mines gone up I've been in a much better state of mind. I really have. I guess that means that most of what's wrong with me is enviornmental as opposed to chemical. which is good. I really have no desire to try any other drugs to fix my head. 10 days on zoloft was more than enough for me. hmm, can't remember if I described anywhere in the depths of these pages that escapade. a counselor at school suggested I try to find someone outside of the school for log term treatment since we have limited visits at school but also suggested that I get a physical first to see if there might not be a physical reason for it, like an inner ear imbalance apparently. so I went to the regular doc who prescribed zoloft and referred me to my dad's former therp. so we decided that we'd wait on the zoloft to see what the pdoc said. but when my mother tried to make an appointment she wouldn't take me since it hadn't been over a year since she stopped seeing my dad. so my mother started looking for another therp. and darling mother went ahead and decided that in the meantime I shoudl start taking the zoloft and filled the prescription for me. which I wasn't happy about but didn't argue for some reason. so I started taking it. it's not supposed to have any effect until you've been taking it for 4-6 weeks and I was on a low dose (25mg to start then up to 50mg I believe it was). even so about 2 days after I started I went onto a major depression. I could barely get out of bed and I'm never that down. and I started having really whacked sleeping hours, up until 2 in the morning and sleepign until 2 or 3 in the afternoon when I had been going to bed by midnight and being up by 10 or so. and my bf at the time kept telling me I was acting weird. I know I was at times. just totally trying to withdraw from everything, hust curling up into a ball for no real reason and wishing the world would go away. sounds like fun, huh? so I just stopped taking it and didn't really tell my mther. don't remember when she found out. but I don't think that I should have been on that stuff without the opinion of a pdoc first. and hell, my mother's a nurse. shouldn't she know better? I don't know. she shouldn't have filled that prescription without asking me first. but what are you gonna do? at least now she leaves me alone so that she can be indenial about my bulimic sister. who of course is better, she eats fine and wouldn't dare throw anything up anymore. right. just like the scars on my arms are sue to accidents with the wood burning stove. hah. I'm getting cynical or something. working myself into a bit of a mood. I'm tired and so should sleep soon. mood isn't helped much at all by the messaging tag game I've got going with my ex-bf. trying to expalin things that I don't have a clear cut answer for and that's what he wants. oh well. what can you do. sleep. soon I shall do that. dont' wanna work in the morning. wanna sleep. not off again until friday. no fun. just remembered that I never turned in my application for readmission to school. and it's due tomorrow. and I have no way of getting it there. it's not even filled out yet. maybe I'll luck out and it's not really due tomorrow. or perhaps I can get it extended or something. we shall see. not that I actually know what I'm gonna do yet. double major in music? minor in music? minor in anthro? I don't know and it's gonna stress me out way to much to try and figure that out tonight considering my precarious mood at the moment. I hate it when I work myself up like this. it sucks. just shoudl go to sleep and think about good things. like not having to sleep alone. which unfortunately I must do tonight. oh well. I'll survive. by thinking of chess games and dinners with mead and black vinyl. with that thought, off with me. must sleep.
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