october '99
10/6/99 it's been a while. again. feels like nothing and so much has happened since I last wrote. I don't know. had a meeting with my T yesterday. wasn't that fun. really wasn't all that bad. she wants to take more credit than is due her for the fact that it's been so long since I last si'ed. I don't think it has all that much to do with her. my life has just generally been more happy and good overal since I started working and since and other things fell into place. I don't know. a relationship that I'd been in for over 4 years ended about a week and a half ago. it's been something that I've been wanting but just not knowing how to go about it. I truly think it's for the better. way too much emotional dependency was going on there. it wasn't keeping me in a good place. it's just strnage to suddenly be without something that's been there for so long. but in a way it hasn't really been there because he goes to school in a different state. which made things tough. we matured at school but the relationship never got the chance to. and I know, now I'm not giving it the chance to. but I don't know. things weren't feeling right. and I started seeing someone else. and the whole thing just feels alot better. I feel happier and better about myself. my mother even noticed a change in my attitude after I started seeing this guy. he just makes me happy. which is always a good thing. I think I've been doing better since I've been seeing him more and more. I don't know. granted I have no idea where this relationship is headed but that's ok (for the most part, part of me would like to have more of a clue). I don't know. I've just been feeling entirely too normal lately. few si urges, no huge mood swings. I don't know. it's just weird. I don't really feel like me. or at least the me that I remember being. if that makes any sense whatsoever. anyway. sometimes I wonder if this page serves a purpose any more. I mean, most of the time I don't feel like an si'er any more. I don't think I'm cured of it (despite what my mother and my T may think. just because it's been a long time since I've done anything doesn't mean that I'm cured, that I'll never do it again). I just don't use it to label myself any more. I can see myself and think of myself as a person outside of si. I don't know. that's kinda scary. but good I suppose. maybe I'd feel better if I put some more general info up in addition to all the personal stuff. project for a time when I actually have the time to sit down and do that. haul out my si books (good stuff but dangerous to have around at times when I'm purposefully looking to trigger myself). on a totally different though train, i saw a frog today. I was out walking in the woods, taking a break from doing latin and I went down by the water to pick up some trash (I hate litter and have gotten better about picking it up when I see it. outside influence) and this little frog jumped in the water. it was so cute. anyway. I'm rambling now. but that's mostly because I can't get in to check my e-mail. hotmail is being finicky. argh. wish I had some profound thoughts to share. my mind just doesn't work like that though. oh well. I'll stop for now. later.
10/20/99 well, if you want to get technical it's 10/21. I'm up
past my bedtime. I should sleep. I'm quite tired. but I feel bad
for not writing more oftern. I just don't make the time to. I'm
never home it seems. I'm either at work or my bf's house. I wonder
if I can call him that now. I don't know. I have no real experience
with the intricacies of the language of dating. eek. anyway. lost my thought.
guess it couldn't have been too important. an interesting note,
I got a loud wake up call from Sif this past weekend. she is a Norse goddess, a
very lovely one I might add. I haven't had any direct contact with any deity until
now. she gave me a great big hello of sorts. which leads me to belive
that I may have found one of my patron deities. or rather, she found me. which
is totally cool. so now I just need to learn whatever I can about her.
I feel like there was something important I was going to say. of well.
really couldn't have been too important then. my typing is really poor tonight.
I keep making mistakes and it's driving me up a wall. guess that means I'm
more tired than I think. bed soon. sleep is good. but I wanna write.
but that's kind hard when I have nothing to say. I can say 3 months and still
counting since the last time I si'ed. which is really good. my best yet. and I only know
'cause I counted. which I shouldn't have done 'cause now I might start to focus
on that fact and come up with some excuse to do it. but I don't think so. not just yet at
least. I'm still doing really good. I'm still quite happy and feeling ever so normal and
human. it's a wonderful thing. and I know where a good deal of the vredit belongs.
hee. thinking of which, I'm in the process of writing another poem. seems like poems shouldn't be
a process, they should be written and be done. but I fine myself re-reading and editing.
finding words or phrases that just sound a little better. guess that's fine. I want this one
to be good. it just comes in little spurts of inspiration though. oh well. it's really getting
late. I really should get to sleep. wonderful comforting sleep. no fun sleeping alone though, I can
tell you that. definitely no fun. not nearly as nice as feeling all sorts of snuggly warm being
curled up next to someone else. certainly helps me sleep better. now that my sleeping ability has
improved it would be nice if I could remember my dreams more often. ah, screw the precognitive dreaming,
I'll just learn how to read tarot cards. though they wouldn't be telling me the same things. we shall see.
gotta do something in my non existant free time. and now I'm rambling. I wonder if any of this has made any
sense whatsoever. being tired warps my already warped sense of fluidity (for lack of the correct word).
later.
10/23/99 I sorta remember what I wanted to write about before. it as just striking me last week how sometimes I miss being a christian, or at least labeling myself as such, even though my heart wasn't entirely in it. I sometimes wish I could be like most of the world and just blindly believe in some all powerful god who seems hypocritical or is at least presented as such, a god who seems to let his people suffer for no real reason. I'm not being sarcastic. I could never whole heartedly believe in this god that was presented to me. but it was all I knew. I didn't even know that the concept of paganism and nature worship existed despite my long standing interest in the occult and such. christianity didn't jive with me but I didn't know of anything better. I miss wanting to believe.always around christmas and easter i would just get this longing of wanting to be able to believe so badly. I got the same feeling around the time I was confirmed. I miss that longing for some reason. but I can't long any more because I have found something that makes sense and that I can believe in. I starting to feel less left out now that a deity has actually reached out to me. I don't know. does this make any sense whatsoever? I sit here with my cup of tea being as pagan as I can be but part of me still wishing I could have that blind faith of christians. but I can't work like that. I have too much of a scientific mind. and my mind can accept paganism. which is good. I am a more complete person by having religion in my life. anyway. the ramblings of the insane, right? I need to finish my poem. I edited a bit but I haven't been able to add and finish it yet. and the question arises, do I let the person who inspired it read it? I'm afraid of what it reveals and if it's too much to be shared at this time and all. things are so good I don't want to screw them up by saying something that isn't appropriate yet. but how can it be inappropriate if it's how I feel? all good questions that I can't find answers to. argh. what to do. finish the poem and then worry about it I suppose. my sweetness (my darling kitty) is sleeping on top of the monitor. she's so cute. little miss pretzel cat. it's finally completely fall. it's all colors and cool. I like this. fall is the best. now all I need is a horse and a trail through the woods somewhere. sucks that I haven't been on a horse in over 3 years now. it's so depressing. I used to think that I couldn't live without riding. but I am. and I thought I couldn't live without being in a choir and singing. but I am. I don't understand it. guess I've grown enough to survive. I'm covered in sweetness hair. what a cat. I think I need to go socialize with my relatives who are out here visiting for a few days. later.
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