these are some of my SI inspired (for lack of a better
word) poems. please do not use them or any portion of
them without my permission (e-mail silentredtears@aol.com). most are untitled. the few
titles there are are in bold italics and
are underlined (yes, I'm having fun playing with
html).
red tears
red tears
my soul is weeping
tears my eyes dare not shed
emotion is mine to control
through those
red tears
that appear along parallel lines
red tears
that trickle down my arm instead of my face
red tears
that show the suffering
red tears
that are my power and my shame
I smile
don't look at me
for what you see outside
isn't what I see inside
the red desire
I cut
then I bleed
I'm like a prisoner
yet free
from the peace and the poison
from the present
part of me dies
only to be reborn the next time I hurt
my shadow self is all I wish I was
thinner, prettier, graceful, and more coordinated
me, but better
living in a world of night and darkness but happy there
happy because she can live in that world
of dreams and fantasy, that world of mist and magic
that world I can't find because I'm a tangible reality
and not that hazy creature that comes and goes
as she pleases
when the light is right
without you beside me
I am an empty shell
you are my fortress
I hide behind you
you give me strength
to look for the future I never knew I had
to find the life I never knew I wanted
alone
inside I am torn
outside I bleed
love is there
but so far away
my will is as broken as my mind
I cannot stop the blood from coming
I know I should
but it heals me
when you are not here to do the same
I should be stronger
but I can't cry
and I can't reach out
it's safer being locked up inside myself
much safer inside with the emptiness and pain
that make me want to die
folded in darkness
eternal sleep
silence and peace
withdrawn from the world
of the living
the end of pain
I
am not what you think
not what I seem
I may smile
but I am not happy
far from whole
shattered pieces of me
litter my brain
locked in steel boxes
forever sealed in a shell
of apparent completeness
feigning a will to live
while darkness exists within
peace is
a pair of purple handled scissors
and the blood trickling don my arm
or the stark white radiator
and the heat searing my skin
oblivious
that's what they are
blind and deaf
to the cries for help
scattered across my skin
casually
sometimes carefully
hidden
transparent explainations
accepted as truth
to bury the ugliness
of the real truth
that is me
what do you do
when no one cares
and no one wants to know
where do you go
to escape the torment of life
to relieve the pain inside
who can you turn to
when you are alone
with your own silent screams
and only a cold blade for comfort
i'm tired fo fighting
and tired of trying
it's an endless battle
that i'll never win
all i can do
is crumple at your feet
and lay down to die
