September '00
9/17/00 i only have about 5 minutes to write but my head has been running around in confused circles so i needed to write. i just haven't been able to understand something. books and movies constantly debate whether or not love is an actual thing or just a human invention. i can tell right now that this thought isn't going to make any sense to anyone but me. but anyway. i know that it's real. what i don't understand is why the all consuming, obsessive, my life for you type of love isn't the one that lasts. there are varying shades and levels of love in all its forms but why is the one that seems to be the most wonderful the one that isn't the strongest? i feel like i'm making this all up as i go along, i don't know. i love Jon, i really do but not in that all consuming powerful way that i've known before. and i miss that. but there is something to be said for the more comfortable laid back version. makes it sound lesser but everything has its place i guess. i can't explain it. can never explain anything right. frustrating. i'm thinking way too much today. maybe it's partly that his presense (i know i can't spell, so sue me) is a constant so it's not as intense. i don't know. that doesn't sound right. at least not when i write it down. it almost makes sense in my head. almost. not quite though. what a surprise. must be on my way.
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