9/5/01 ok, so it's been a while. a long while. lots of things happened. not all bad. although i feel like i should be thinking that they're bad. but who knows. doesn't matter. let's see, i've moved out, all by my lonesome. got me a cat (insane little thing, Callisto.) not as fantastic as my sweetness. but close enough. they could be related. at least in personality. he's twice her size. another friend married. leaving me feeling something. don't know what. left out maybe. i was supposed to be first. but i screwed that up. twice now. will i never learn? what else. can't think. damn cat wakes me up in the middle of the night either wanting to play fetch (i have a cat that plays fetch for crying out loud) or deciding that it's time for attention (in other words sitting on my head and purring up a storm while kneading away at my hair and my neck in the process). dunno. things have been somewhat worse as far as si goes since i'm alone. i knew that would happen. could be much worse. i've cut 2 or 3 times. which isn't too bad for 3 months. and there was a burning episode in there. i can't even remember the last time i burned (and damn it felt good). i'm convincing myself that there's no reason for me to try and stop. at least i was convincing myself of that until i got a computer. because now i can go and use the web site n my health benefits and find a therapist or something and get started all over again down that road. we shall see. i must want to stop somewere in my head if i'm thinking that i shoudl find a therapist. or am i only doing that because i think that i should? that i haven't figured out. got enough other things on my mind. i got one problem straightened out only to go ahead and create another. actually, it isn't even a problem yet, only in my head. where it belongs and will probably stay. i'm probably creating a situation that doesn't even exist (semi-random though here, i love this keyboard.) i wonder if i'll ever actually get to the point that i want to be at. not that i even really know what that point is any more. ooooo, more semi-randomness. Toby Keith's new album came out last week and it just totally kicks complete butt. i've totally come back to country music thanks to a friend of mine. but anyway. yes, it's out and it's fantastic. i though his song "How Do You Like Me Now?" was great. now there's "I Wanna Talk About Me". he can just be so in your face but without beign obnoxious. if that makes any sense at all. can't think of anything else to ramble about right now really. well, kind of. but i just dont' really want to get into all that right now. but at the same time i do. it's one of those things that i'm dying to talk to someone about but i have no one to talk to about it and writing in my normal journal just doesn't cut it because it's not the same as when you know someone is going to be reading something. i'm not sure if the silentredtears@hotmail.com is still active. i have to check that out. i have a feeling that it's not. i know i haven't checked that account in ages. so i may be coming back with a totally new e-mail address soon. not that anyone really reads this any more i'm sure. oh well. it's for my entertainment purposes anywya. what else am i going to do on nights that i don't have to work my secong job. i was starting to get bored of reading (perish the thought. i just don't have anything that i really want to read right now. means a trip to the bookstore is in order.) anyway. so i'm alive and kicking. for now.
9/6/01 ok, well, duh. i wrote last night and changed the icon on the main page but neglected to create a link to the new month of entries. no, i'm not running on too little sleep, really i'm not. the cat will have his toys taken away tonight. i was woken up one too many times by a chewed up feather toy being dropped on me in the middle of the night last night. we shall seee what this does. anyway. i was thinking all day about how i was going to come home and ramble. and now i don't really feel like rambling. i think mr. cranky face may have played some part in it. my bf calls me at work and he's all depressed and doesn't know why but i'm so busy at work and in such a funky mood myself that i can't help. i'm sorry he's depressed but what can i do? i try to help but it's very hard for me to do anything over the phone since i'm just not that much of a talker. oh well. and i''m still dealing with his whole attitude over my new burn scars. i'm tired of him getting all cranky and nasty about it. saying things like he's going to leave if i don't stop. i know he's kidding (believe me, i know he is). but it still hurts. because he's just striking out in whatever way he can. ignoring it doesn't help (well, another duh) and being nasty doesn't help. i don't know. i'm tired of him going on about how i'm mutilating myself. why can't he just understand that that's just not how i see it? my scars are part of me so they aren't some nasty hideous thing. he calls them horrible. relatively half kidding on that part. i don't know. he's not a bad person. even though i've probably made him sound like one by now. but he's not. he just doesn't understand and i don't know how to help him understand. i don't know if i want him to understand. what would be the point if we're not going to be together? i haven't decided about that one yet. i don't know what to do. but that's a whole othe issue. damn, i just looked at the time. and it's late. way past my bedtime. but i'm not feeling that tired yet. oh well. i suppose i should at least go and try to sleep. i just want to be obstinate and stay up late. even though i'll be exhausted and end up paying for it tomorrow. i don't know. i want to reach out to someone but there's no one there. never anyone there. i guess that's part of the problem. but it's my own fault. i don't let them in. not all the way at least. anyway. ok enough. bedtime. i can write lots more tomorrow.
9/17/01 ok, i know i should've written sooner. at least i feel like i should've written sooner. what with everything that's happened and been going on and i don't know. but i just didn't know what to say or write. just too much going on in my head i guess. i want to hate those people. i really do. i feel like i should. i feel like we should destroy them just like they tried to do to us. but at the same time i know that we shouldn't. that would just bring us down to their level. and why do that? why make oursleves no better than them when we are? at least we have some sense of humanity and decency. at times. i do admit that most of the time i am rather disgusted by our culture. i don't know. i'm amazed at how much this is all bringing the country and the world together. but it saddens me that this had to happen for that to occur. why does something drastic and horrific have to occur before the light bulbs start to turn on and people start to feel like people? if that makes and sense at all. half the time none of it even seems real. and i don't know that it ever will until i get my butt to the city and see that htose towers are gone. that will be reality. a picutre on the tv just doesn't quite seem the same. and i feel sad that everything is all about the towers. what about the people who lost their lives at the pentagon? maybe it's just because of where i live. if i was further south, maybe that's more of the focus. i dont' know. i'm here. so i don't know. i just don't know. it's all just so confusing and unreal and something. i'm not thinking very clearly right now. i have about 2/3 of a glass of mead in me and my head is quite happily fuzzy right now. no, i'm not an alcoholic, i dont' do this every night. or even often. i just had an open bottle of mead in the fridge and i didn't want it to go bad. i didn't know how long it would last in there. it's not like i'm drinking to make myself feel better or anything. although me denying all of this is making it seem like i actually am doesn't it? i'm too paranoid of actually becoming an alcoholic too drink on a regular basis. mother has done a fine job of instilling that fear in me. after all, both of her parents were alcoholics as were both her brothers and several other people on that side of the family, not to mention what she suspects on my dad's side. massive paranoia. so she's totally convinced that one of the 4 of us is going to turn into a raging alcoholic and i'm determined to not let that be me. i know i already have a lovely tendency for addiction. so we just will really try not to go there. dunno. i feel like there was something else that i wanted to write about. oh well. i can't remember. i suppose i should go to bed. i just don't quite feel like it. i want to be obstinant and stay up until all hours of the night and hten sleep in. not that i can. i have to work. i get so tired of work. i miss school at least there i could feel productive. i was contemplating cutting this afternoon. i started dwell ing on the idea after staring at my scars for a while. adn i was pretty well convinced that i would. except now i'm just too tired to bother or care. and i don't really want to. there's no reason to. pms seems ot have passed me by this month (there are some small miracles). either that or the mess of last week made it all seem normal. but even last week i wasn't swinging like a giant pendulum. anyway. my next goals are to teach myself the rune ans ogham. i am seriously going to try andmake myself be studious. ok, so i know how that usually turns out but we shall see. i shall ignore the fact that i still dont' know the tarot as well as i would like. but i know it. i can't do a reading without notes but i recognize cards and i can see the symbolism at least. it's a start. i just need practice. and there's only so much reading of yourself i can do. and i doubt that i'll get my cat to sit still ong enough to give me any feed back. i think he would probably rather eat the cards. anyway. i suppose it's bedtime now. someday soon i shall create yet another e-mail address to use. oh wait. silentredtears@aol.com. i already have it. as long as i have aol, i will have that address. so y'all can reach me there. silentreadtears@aol.com. now i fell a little better.
9/21/01 don't really have anything to write about. just felt like writing. or felt like i should write. i'm not sure which yet. dunno. can't write for very long. have to get to bed soon so that i can be all nice and well slept for work tomorrow. joy. tomorrow is Mabon. going to a circle at a friend's house. i guess they're my friends. met them through my boyfriend. guess that counts. he's convinced they like me more than him just because i'm wiccan. what does that have to do with anything? he respects their religion, enjoys going to their circles. at least he appears to. i don't know. i just always have a hard time believing that anyone cares about me, even as a friend. so what difference would it make to them if i'm there or not? that's kind of my opinion sometimes. but i like going because then i'm at least observing the sabbats in some way. it's so hard to keep myself motivated to do it on my own. i get a great deal of spiritual satisfaction out of the blots but it's not the same as a circle. i mean, i remember the first real circle i went to. i came away from that knowing deep in my heart that i was wiccan. i'd sometimes qestioned before that but when Cat went around that circle with the bowl of salt water and blessed each of us, i just knew. and every time they lead us through that whole bit of "i am earth, i am air" etc. i feel it. the goddess is very much alive and magick is afoot. anyway. it's getting late and this typing is not very good for my wrists. i need to get a real computer desk and not just use my coffee table. it works but it is certainly lacking in the ergonomic department. :-) night all.
9/24/01 last nigth was a wonderful night. today was a wonderful day. i haven't felt this normal in a long time. although it depends on your definition of normal. either way. i haven't felt this good in a while. at least not that i can remember. it all ends up blurring at some point. what was good and bad. although the bad always seems to stick out more. easier to remember for some twisted reason. dunno. trying desperately to hold on to that feeling now though. i hate mood swings. adn there's no reason for this one really. at least it isn't major. maybe it's just because i didn't really have dinner. all i had really was a bowl of oatmeal and french fries. very healthy, i know. oh well, so it goes. dunno. i don't know what to ramble about. i really don't feel like rehashing for the 10 millionth time my life troubles. because it's all just to silly and petty and trite and everything. i don't know. i know it gets me no where. and i'm learning more and more that it really isn't a good idea to read your own cards. your own feelings and emotions can cloud your judgement and perspective and you lose all objectivity. so i read them. and can't figure out what situation or part of my life anything pertains to. i'm learning more and it's getting easier but the lines are fuzzy. is it applying to this or that or the other thing? 5 of cups. what am i dwelling on? the question is more, what am i not dwelling on. and in this dewlling, what am i ignoring or overlooking or whatever? there are juts too many combinations. dunno. it's all annoying. i'd get a reading but i never have time and they really can't tell me anything different than what i see because my emotions cloud the cards in a way. they pick up on what i'm feeling so that's what they're going to see. soemthing like that at least. i don't know. it's past my bedtime adn i'm tired so that's not helping my mood any. and i was doing so well all day long. all day. but it's all just confusing and i don't know what to think. i don't know what to make of a situation. and just stuff. and stuff and stuff. and i'm tired and therefore cranky. i guess i should really get to bed. i'll feel better in the morning. usually do. too tired to contemplate seriously doing anything anyway. though realizing just how long it's been since the last episode makes me miss it in a way. but at the same time, today i actually almost feel like i want to seriously actively try to stop. almost. i wonder if there's really a reason to. i know there is but i'll just pretend that i don't for a little longer. or soemthing. did i have a point here? i can't remember if i had a purpose for writing really other than i haven't for a couple days. dunno. don't even know if anyone even follows this any more. just my ego thinking that something i write might actually be of interest to someone else. or something along those lines. i've been tempted to start a new page, one that doesn't have a main focus of si. if i can get myself to completely believe that si doesnt' define who i am then maybe that would be a good thing. that's kind of why i stay away from the message boards and such for the most part. i want to be there, i want to be able to support other people and i like having that outlet. but it's way to easy to turn it all around and use it as a trigger and all that good stuff. and it's sort of the same here. i made this page to be about si. so that's the focus. so i'm labeling myself in a way. in a way. hwich i shoudln't. because i'm me. and i can control this thing. if i choose to try. choice being the key here. denial of that choice. another good thing, really it is. i wish i had more poetry to share. but that well seems to have run dry for the most part. every now and then i'll get a line or 2 but that's it. it never goes anywhere. anyway. have i rambled enough now? i can't believe it's almost october already. my sister gets married in about 20 days. scary. i was supposed to be the first. i'm not the oldest but i was supposed to be the first for a lot of things. i was supposed to be the first to graduate college, i was supposed to be the first to get married. i have a knack for screwing things up, don't i? it's a talent. as is the ability to not see the scars as something hideous and grotesque i guess. what is so wrong in my head that i just can't look at it like that? why can't i be disgusted by them just like everyone else? and of all tihngs, it's the bad scars that i don't mind. it's the ones from cutting that make me look like a zebra or something that bother me occasionally. occasoinally. but those fade with time. so they're kind of pointless. ok, on that note, it's nearly 12. i really have to sleep now. i'm exhausted.
9/25/01 it is a wonderful beautiful fantastic night out. the humidity is gone. so it's feeling like fall. and it's wonderful. i was smelling smoke on the way home. definitely a herald of fall. happy me. also on the plus side the day's migraine has subsided. i'm getting very tired of having a headache that makes me nauseous every single day. ok, so this is really only the 3rd or 4th day in a row now but still. anyway. why is it that fruits and vegetables aren't as filling as other foods? 'cause they're mostly water? no that's not completely random. my before bed snack was baby carrots. quite tasty. anyway. it's just so nice out tonight. just makes me feel quite happy and good. for a change. or not. i've been pretty good for a while now. pretty good. anyway. bed time.
9/26/01 ok, so i feel like nothing i wrote last night makes any sense. i'm not sure why. not that it really matters i suppose. i took tomorrow off from work. i just really need a day to sleep in and attempt to catch up. attempt. besides, i have to do laundry and help my mother prepare for my sister's bridal shower on saturday. won't that be fun. she's all stressed over it and i know it'll be fine. she was all stressed over dad's surprise b-day party too. and that was fine. i'm just sure that she's going ot be upset that i didn't get the ribbon to tie the party favors. or enough of those stinking bells for decorations. the bell were expensive. so i only got a couple and lots of streamers. and instead of the ribbon, i bought these little roses that are in her wedding colors. they're on wire so i think we can use those to secure the favors just as well as ribbon. close enough. i can always just run out to the craft store if necessary though. dunno. anyway. i wish it was friday already. it's been a long week. or at least for some reason it feels long even though every day seems to go by fairly quickly. go figure. but at least the week is half over. that's a start. and now i'm running out of things to write about. but there's really nothing else to do. except sleep maybe. that might not be a bad idea but i want to feel productive. there's nothing i want to rad and i started to watch the series premiere of Enterprise but it just wasn't grabbing me so i turned it off. i don't watch much tv any more. so unless it's good or british it tends to not grab me. and unfortunatley even my british stuff is limited. i dot' get reception on the station that plays Red Dwarf and Black Adder any more. fudgies. 2 of my favorites (The Young Ones rule). maybe i can poke around and redo the rest of this site for a change. now there's a novel idea. :-) or something. food for thought for myself, Samhain is coming us. which, if i've got Balefire's traditions down right, is vow time. again. and we all know how well my last 2 went. completely blew the first one. the second one is a matter of opinion but close enough in my book. and silly me is thinking of trying for the vow of no si again. but with a better limiting factor. saying no cutting is too hard. it's just too easy adn accesible to do. burning on the other hand i think i can force myself to do. i may cut instead of burning on occasion but the slight consolation there is that the scars from cutting do fade in time. the burning ones are rather permanent i think. if that's a consolation. i'm more likely to dislike the scars from cutting that the ones from burning because to me they're so much more obvious what they are. sort of. perhaps. maybe they all are and i'm just deluding myself. entirely possible. anyway. it's something for me to ponder in my spare time. this is assuming that i go to the Samhain circle. i don't see why i wouldn't but then that's what i thought about Litha and Lammas and i never made it to those. social anxiety strikes again. although be proud of me, i called for pizza the other day without much trouble. it was almost completely of my own free will. joy.
ok, so i forgot again. my thanks to Freya and Aphrodite. it may have been unasked for, but hey, so be it. they've been good to me. with all the love and relationship mess that's been going on in my life over the past 6 months, it's a miracle that i'm not more messed up about it all than i am. and i'm sure that they've helped all the transitions going and coming. so for that i'm thankful and grateful. hail the goddess(es)!
9/27/01 ok, so go check it out. i have added a new nonsensical poem to my general poetry. product of attending my sister's journaling workshop. she gave us a line to start with and we were to create a poem from that. was hard as hell and it makes no sense but at the same time i kind of like it. i was going to transcribe the whole dialoguing that she had us do with our "wise self" but it's kind of hard to transcribe and chat at the same time. it's hard enough to journal and do that at the same time. distractions. dunno. got basically everything prepared for my sister's shower on saturday. fun fun fun. it should go well. i hope. i just hope it doesn't drag on too much. hope hope. we shall see i suppose.
ok, chatting done. here's the result fo my dialoging with my "wiser self"
"my wise self, the part of me that is divine, do you exist?"
"you know i do. i'm there when you feel connected and whole and one with spirit and nature. i am the part of you that is goddess."
"what can i learn from you?"
"to be all the things in you that i am at all times. to love yourself, to trust yourself, to trust your intuition, to have the power to change and make magick, to see the world as divine, at all times, good and bad. for there must be balance"
"why aren't you there when times are bad?"
"because you block me out. you don't want to listen and hear. you want to wallow."
"why?"
"you tell me. look inside. you already know. you just don't want to aknowledge. but i am there when you want to open to me and hear the wisdom and truth from inside."
"so if i listen more, will you speak more?"
"in theory. just be sure you're listening right. with your heart and mind open to all things and possibilities. the key is to listen and be open."
"i can listen."
"listen to me, not the dark voice. think of light and love and be consumed by the divine. KNOW that you are the goddess' perfect child because of you human imperfections. you are all tihngs. e arthe air, fire, water, and above all, spirit. it's that spirit, that divine part, that knows the truth, the fact that you possess the ability to do anything if you just believe."
"don't dream it, be it, right?"
"you got it."
9/28/01 just a short one. i added a picture of my kitty, Cal, above. full name, Callisto. completely lunatic. but great all the same. it's a picture they took of him at the shelter to put on petfinder.com. i keep meaning to get a better one taken of him since my sister said she'd scan one in for me at work. but i don't own a camera. maybe someday i'll have a picture where he doesn't look so forlorn. he certainly doesn't look so scared and uncertain anymore. he rules this place. :-)
