journal-september '99-part 1
9/1/99 ok, this is a bit of an entry I started during
a class break this evening. current ramblings follow
after.
thoughts thoughts too many thoughts. or maybe just one
repeating. song stuck in my head. Bat Out of Hell.
love Meatloaf. it's that music that brought on the
current ponderings on love. more thoughts have occurred
to me earlier today but my brain is shutting down. I'm
very tired. and sick of being in a stuffy room. but the
class (latin) is very interesting. I don't know. don't
wanna go to chem after this. inorgo. yuck.
well, that's the end of that. latin was really cool.
it was so nice to be doing something with a language. I
haven't done anything with a language since high school
(5 years of french, loved it). languages seem to be
reasonably easy for me. and it was all just starting to
click in my head. I love that feeling, when I understand
something and I find it interesting. I used to get a
similar feeling when solving math or chem problems. I
actually enjoyed doing derivatives and integrals in calc.
I loved the feeling of my mind working. I can't explain
it. it's just really cool. of course this chem class is
gonna suck so bad. I failed it first time around. at l
least it's a different prof this time and he seems pretty
cool, but still. it's gonna be tough. I just gotta keep
myself in line and up to date on all the work. I wish I
could remember everything I was thinking about in the car
as I was doing all my driving around today. I had some
pretty interesting thoughts (at least to me) and I wanted
to be sure to write them out but now I can't remember.
still on the whole ponderings of love thing. I don't
know. it's was along the realization of the desperation
(for lack of a better word) that rather comes with
surviving soley on the need of another person. I mean,
your only reason for living is just this one other person.
that's not really healthy, is it? I'm glad I've gotten
past that. I think my life is a bit (at least) for it
(more on that later). but I know someone who hasn't.
and it's 'causing issues. no more about that. back on
that first thing though. I feel like I've become a
stronger person at some point. I don't know when it
happened. but I'm a survivor. I think. everyone says
that SI is a way of coping to survive. which is true,
there are other things taht I might've ended up doing if
I didn't SI. but now that I can accept that I can
survive do you think I can do it without SI? I know at
some point in my life I will be. soon, I hope. I thine
that kind of attitude is a good sign. though I did start
slipping a little this evening. I was staring at my arm
in class (at the scars of course) and just suddenly
started picturing the blood on my arm and scraving the
feeling of it and of the stinging. oooo, that lovely
stinging. I should stop thinking about it. I'll set
myself off. but for no reason I just started thinking
about it. actually, maybe that's not true. it was in
chem class, it could've been stress related. this is a
class that I failed and had lots of trouble with (mainly
caused by the prof). it caused me alot of stress. then
again, I could be reading too much into it. it's
possible though. and something that my hterapist would
suggest. mental note, have appointment on the 13th.
anyway. it's getting late but I still want to write more.
bad me. I should sleep, I'm tired (of course that glass
of wine that I had a little while ago isn't helping any).
la la la. now I start to get silly. I really wish I
could remember exactly what it was I wanted to ramble
about. how do you explain to someone that it's time to
move on, that this chapter in your life is closing, that
everything that was to be gained or learned has been?
I know what I need to do. what I should do. I just can't
do it. I'm such a bloody coward sometimes. most of the
time. there are other things I should say too (not to
the same person though). well, maybe not should. want
to is more accurate. I'm just so damn inarticulate when
I speak. I can say so much more when I sit down and
write. maybe it's because I know that I won't be
interrupted by someone else wanting to have their say.
and less fear of being or saying something wrong and
having it pointed out (I'm so easily embarrassed, it's
not funny) in front of others. besides it's easier to
stomach if it's not said to your face. I don't know.
the whole confrontation thing is a problem for me. and
I've gone completely off topic haven't I? well, that's
if I had an actual topic to begin with. which I'm not
so sure that I did. wow, this is getting rather long.
perhaps I should leave it here for tonight. and hope
that my thoughts come back to me to be written tomorrow.
'night.
9/2/99 and so the obsessing begins. as I was trying to
fall asleep last night all I could think about was cutting.
kept thinking about the feeling, the cool feeling of the
blood. that's what comes first, thinking about that.
I bet some time today I'll start thinking about the actual
feeling of cutting, the metal against my skin and the
sting of it. I hate it when I start craving it for no
real reason. I'm really not that depressed at the
moment, no more so than usual, just the normal baseline
low of life. I don't know. I don't really want to go
to work today. not that I don't like work, I just don't
have the energy for it right now. guess I am depressed.
I don't know. so confused or something. just wanna stay
home and read. reading is good. but must go to work
instead. wonder where I put my watch last night. don't
remember. I don't know. wanna cut. that's what would
help. but I can't. I realized earlier that I only have
2 dresses that I wear to work that have long sleeves. so
the arm would have to be out. fine, there's still the
legs, they bleed better anyway. but I planned to wear a
short skirt today. so today is out (excuses excuses, but
hey, if it keeps me from cutting today it's ok, right?).
I can deal with it tomorrow. I do have pants and long
skirts to wear so it's doable. if I so chose. hey, you
know, I think that's the first time that I said and
realized that I actually have a choice in the matter.
am I actually gaining some control here? that might not
be a bad thing. but then I don't know. I feel like I
want to cry. which I hate doing. 'cause I'm not in
control of it. this all sounds so stupid. why can't I
make any sense? why can't I just express myself in a
normal way and be done with it? sometimes I hate being
me. which is so stupid. things have been going so well
for me lately. ah, I fogot about balance. with the good
there must come the bad. I don't want it though. I'm
sick of it. seems like my whole life has mostly been bad.
why can't I just have the good for a little longer? I
like being happy and not thinking about SI and just living
and feeling like a normal person. wish I knew how to
turn my mood back around. can't worry about that now.
must go eat lunch and then be off to work. gonna be a
long day. working until closing at 10. but there is that
drum circle tonight. that will be good and helpful. a
drum circle usually helps me feel better. at least for
a little while. which is a start.
9/4/99 well, I was kinda wrong about things. thursday
stayed a pretty icky day but yesterday was fine. great
even. spent the day at the beach. it's was cloudy and it
rained a bit and it was a little cool but the ocean was
nice and the company was wonderful. :-) topped off by
a game of mini golf (love mini golf) and going to see
The 13th Warrior (a pretty good movie). so it was a good
day. not a thought of cutting to be found. today I'm
totally drained for some reason. it's odd because it's
not like we were swimming or doing anything else that
would be so draining. did not want to wake up this
morning. oh well. at least I'm feeling better. no more
depression for the moment (and there was much rejoicing).
it's so nice to feel happy and normal and real. which
is what I was feeling all day yesterday. it's so nice.
I like feeling like a person. question is, what do I
normally feel like if I'm not feeling like a person? and
I have no answer for this. it's all cloudy out again
today. I don't want to go to work. I want to stay home
and read a book. it's a good day for that. even if I
didn't go to work I shouldn't be reading anyway. I should
be keeping myself in line with my chem class studies.
eek. bad class. oh well. at least there's no classes
on monday. that will be good. off topic. alive, that's
a good word for the way I was feeling yesterday. and in
general lately. real and normal and alive. like there's
almost some purpose or direction in my life. now there's
a scary thought. ok, off to work with me.
9/5/99 I checked out my counter last night and it's over
200. I don't think that could be from me updating so
often. so I guess that means that lots of people are
actually finding their way here. which is pretty cool.
hee. this pleases me. it's not like I'm doing all this
for no reason. ooo, I think it's starting to rain. rain
is good. it's another good day to stay home and read.
although it's entirely too humid. don't like humidity.
anyway. I keep meaning to write about this person that
I keep thinking I see. I'll be driving along at night
and see a person on the side of the street and I always
tense up like he's gonna walk out in fron of me but then
I blink and he's gone. it's just a shadowy figure but
my mind registers it as a person. but there's actually
nothing there. it's one thing to see cats or other little
things running around out of the corner of your eye but
it's much more disconcerting when it's a person. I don't
like it at all. no. it makes me feel like I'm going
completely crazy. it's scary seeing things and knowing
that they're not really there. or maybe they are, just
in another dimension. I hadn't thought about that before.
maybe I just keep getting little glimpses into some other
reality that co-exists with ours. I certainly believe that
that's what my cat sees when she sits there staring so
intently into space. she's watching something that I
can't see. and she chases those things sometimes too.
must be an interesting life that she leads. anyway. I
got up way arlier than I needed to to get ready for work.
I thought I needed to be there at 9:45 when I really need
to be there at 10:45. which is good 'cause then I won't
be late. I just got my times all switched around last
night when I set my alarm. oh well. I could've used the
extra sleep but that's ok. better to be on time for work.
semi-long day today. hope it'll be slow. sundays tend
to go both ways. but if it's slow then I'll be spending
most of my time stuffing and sealing envelopes. won't
that be fun. I spent most of my time last night doing
that. fun fun fun. but it's something to do besides
approaching people and harassing them about whether they
need help finding something. anyway. to work.
9/6/99 I was all tired and ready to go to sleep just a
little while ago but now I'm rather awake. oh well. so
it goes. today was a long boring day. nothing much to
actually do at work. and I was only working 6 hours. I
can't imagine how bored I would've been if I'd been
working 8. oh well. had a nice short bout with wanting
to cut on my way to work. not that I would've actually
been able to do anything but I wanted to. there's just
a couple songs that always mangae to trigger me. I mean
always. I can't think of a time when they haven't. and
unfortunately they're songs that I like and want to listen
to. one's Iris by the GooGoo Dolls. just puts me in a
depressed mood. I mean, that whole line of "you bleed
just to know you're alive". hello. that's what it's
about sometimes. re-establishing the fact that I'm real.
something along those lines. the song hits too close
and makes me start to feel unreal again. the other song
is Human by The Pretenders. just the imagery of blood
and veins and being human on the inside. another hello.
makes me think too much. and then I start obsessing.
so of course both of these songs had to be playing on my
way to work. but I enjoy them. go figure. and then one
of the girls at work bought these nifty little things to
use to cut open boxes instead of using a razor or a pair
of scissor. I can't describe what it is really.
something kinda like a retractable x-acto knife blad that's
not pointy, it's more square at the end. but it's in
this small little round red thing. I don't know. I just
kept wondering what it would be like to cut with something
like that. all sharp. on one level I know that it's more
dangerous than a pair of scissors but there's another
part of me that believes that it wouldn't cut like a knife
or a razor. which it would. for some reason I think
that I would have more control with this little thing.
but I would never use it. not one at work at any rate.
not because it would be dirty (which it would be, after
we start using it) but because I feel that it wouldn't
be right. it would be like being at someone else's house
and using a knife or a pair of scissors of their's to cut.
it wouldn't be proper. as if there really is any sort of
etiquette (I can't spell) to si. I don't understand why
I've been thinking about cutting so much today when I'm
not depressed. a little tired maybe, but not depressed.
I havne't been seriously depressed in a while now. a few
weeks I think. which is cool. I was thinking about that
on the way home from work. it's been a decent amount of
time since the last time I was in a low state for several
days in a row. lately it's only been a faint passing
thing. which is definitley cool. but makes me worry
about the next time a deep depression hits. 'cause I like
being in a good mood. but I can't rememeberthe last time
I was in such a good mood for such a long time. my life
seems to have turned upside down. or at least around.
and for the better. hee. I wonder why. things are
certainly different in my life now as compared to the way
they were 6 months ago. and I'm so much happier than I
was then. so to what do I owe this change? or is it a
combination of things? or is it all a great trick and
the whole thing is gonna come tumbling down when I least
expect it? I certainly hope that's not what's going to
happen. I wonder if I should get to sleep. I need to
get up a little early tomorrow to get some things done
before I head to work. things like the rest of my latin
assignment and chem reading. eek. wonder what's gonna
happen for my b-day. we usually go out for dinner
where ever the b-day person chooses. but we haven't even
talked about it yet and it's 2 days away. they can't
have forgotten 'cause my mother's b-day is on the 2nd
and my father's is on the 10th, 2 days after mine. dunno.
don't matter too much I suppose. the less time spent with
them all, the better. yeah, I love my family soooooo
much. I really need to move out. so how many subject
changes have I made tonight? I don't wanna go to sleep.
I don't like sleeping by myself. it's so comforting to
fall asleep knowing that there's someone right there next
to you. even if you do have to fight for space or
blankets every now and then. :-) ok, it's 11:30. I'll
go to sleep now. I'm tired. I am I am. but I'm
starting to want to cut again. 'cause I can hide it
easily enough under long skirts and pants. really I can.
always easy enough to do. it'd only have to be for about
a week, 2 tops. bad me. bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
bad bad bad. to sleep before I think about it any more.
9/8/99 don't feel like my b-day. I don't know what it
does feel like. I don't feel any older or different like
I usually do. maybe it's because I accepted the age of
22 a while ago. dunno. I was bad and skipped my chem
class tonight. I don't know why. I was in the car
driving over and I just decided I couldn't go and came
home instead. fun. so I got to take a shower. always
fun. got a nifty turtle lamp from my parents. it'll
make a good night light. yes, I still sleep with a night
light. only when I'm sleeping alone though. no need for
one when I'm with someone else. which is the better way
to sleep anyway. I didn't have to sleep alone last night.
gonna have to tonight though. not nice at all. slept
bad last night though 'cause I got all crampy in the
middle of the night. gods, I hate being female sometimes.
I try to understand it and appreciate it but it seems
that the closer I get to that point the worse it is. if
that makes sense. dunno. anyway. don't wanna go to
work in the morning. would rather sleep. I can sleep
in on saturday though. day off. yeah. that'll be nice.
still can't completely shake the si thoughts. they keep
popping up every now and then. my scars seemed so large
and obvious to me today. paler than usual somehow.
they're looking normal now though. oh well. wish I'd
stop getting ideas like running the car off the road and
swerving into opposing traffic while I'm driving. things
like that just randomly pop into my head sometimes. it's
kinda scary. scarier than seeing things. I wonder if
it's worth mentioning either or both to my therapist. I
go see her on monday. fun fun fun. or something. I
can't believe how good my mood has been lately. it's
been like this since someone went back to school and I
took off those rings. it makes me feel like a freer
person. like a whole me instead of a fragment. something
like that. I can be me and fully me without having to
depend on someone else. and I think I might be a better
me now.hey, over 4 weeks without a serious battle against
si. I'm improving. my confidence and self esteem have
certainly been boosted. though that's no work of my own.
there's been much outside influence in that. but that
just fine. wonder if he knows just how much of a good
effect he's had on me and what that means (to me, in
general, and whatever). dunno. I'm tired. I should
probably get to sleep reasonably soon. I could get some
reading in first. that might be good. have a lovely
shirley Jackson book. We Have Always Lived In the
Castle. a wonderful book. she's a great author.
another of my favorites. she just draws you in so well.
I love losing myself in a book. it just feels so good
to loose that grip on reality for a while and enter into
some story. I can get so absorbed I don't even hear
people calling for me. though the phone ringing always
knocks me right back into reality. oh well. I have a
new bracelet too. a nice copper (I think) torc type
bracelet. good an thick. I like the heft of metal.
anyway. I'm rambling. and it's fun. but I'm tired and
have to be up early. don't wanna go to work. no more
fun stuff to unpack. did that all yesterday. all sorts
of nifty dragons and unicorns and wizards. today was just
angel dolls. obviously my preference lies with the
fantasy cratures. my best imaginary friend was a unicorn
(leopard appaloosa but with rainbow spots and a rainbow
mane and tail). her name was Rainbow but I called her
Brighty. and she lived on the planet Unicornus. hee.
I miss thinking about her. I gave her a sister named Star.
I always wanted to write stories about her (Brighty) but
I can never get the ideas onto paper the way that they
sound in my head. which sucks. 'cause they sound great
in my head. many things sound great in my head. I think
I should stop being boring and quit this rambling for
tonight. I don't know why I'm being so talkative or
what ever tonight. probably just 'cause I'm tired. to
sleep. later.
9/10/99 had a very interesting day yesterday. a lady
came into the store and was asking me some questions
about some weird experiences she's been having and was
mentioning about what a struggle the last 10 years have
been for her and then made the comment "I saw your arms"
and then pushed up her sleeves to sho me hers. I've never
actually met anothe si'er in person. it's a weird but
cool experience. my first reaction was that I just wanted
to hug her. but she introduced herself and we shook hands
but didn't let go. there was just that connection of
knowing that the other person knows just what you're going
through, what you're fighting. it was cool. now there's
absolutely no denying the fact that I'm not alone in this.
I know that it's a survivable thing. but you know, lately
I haven't been feeling much like an si'er any more. it's
not a main focus in my life, I'm not letting it rule me
as much as it can. I don't know. I don't know if I'm
going to be able to stay like this. but I've just been
feeling so nornmal and with it lately. it's a wonderful
thing. some really nifty dragons came in today. they're
these wonderful things imported from england that are
porcelain and handpainted. and they're gorgeous. and
nearly $70 for a dragon that's only about 3" tall. oh
well. they're lovely to look at. and there's one that's
just begging me to bring it home. put that on my christmas
list. luckily it's one of the small ones that's under
$100. anyway. I had something else that I wanted to
ramble about. and now I don't remember. I just can't
get over how good I've been feeling lately. I really
can't. and I'm loving it. I just don't know what's
causing it and keeping it. is it this great guy that
I've been seeing? the fact taht I motivated myself and
actually went out and found a job? a combination of the
2? I can't figure out what's different about my life now
as compared to a few months ago. maybe the slow progress
is just finally beginning to show. I know that at this
time a year ago I was a rather large mess. I was cutting
nearly every week and there were a few times when it was
a couple times in one week and then the memorable time
when I cut four days in a row. looking back at that now
I don't know how I could bear to look at myself, all
covered in red lines ('cause I had to expand past my arm.
so arm and both legs. must've been a bloody sight.
literally). thinking about it kinda makes me want to.
I should know that it's a trigger. but I don't think
that I'm anywhere low enough in mood to even come close.
certainly tired enough but I'll make myself go to sleep
before anything happens. wish my f****** mother wouldn't
touch me. I HATE it when she hugs me or pats me on the
head and stuff like that. I cringe. I don't know why.
and I kinda feel bad for it. but that's the way it is.
just stay the hell away from me. I don't know. must
not think about it. don't want it to lead to anything
bad. that would not be good. no not at all. now I'm
starting to wonder when the next time I'll cut is gonna
be. which isn't so good 'cause then I'll convince myself
to just go do it and get it over with 'cause it's gonna
happen anyway. but I don't know that. I can't know that.
maybe it's not gonna happen. how do I know what's gonna
happen. I don't. so why do it now. no good reason.
I shouldn't worry about it. if it's gonna happen, it's
gonna happen. if it's not, it's not. if that makes any
sense. for the first time I don't feel less than me when
I think about my life without si. it's been such a part
of my life for so long that I usually can't see myself
living without it. it's been part of who I am. but it's
not all of who I am. and that's what's escaped me for so
long. there's more to me and my mind than si. there's
more to life and coping than si. I'm starting to see and
understand this. I think. I'm just feeling too normal.
wonder if that's a good thing. suppose so. I don't know.
I'm starting to get too tired to think. perhaps this is
enough for one night. later.
9/12/99 I'm exhausted, maybe that's why I'm so depressed.
I don't know. I should know better than to listen to
beethoven's Moonlight Sonata when I'm in a mood like this.
I can't usually just sit and revel in it's beauty but the
dark sound of it is bringing me further down. 2 minutes
ago I had no real desire to cut and now all I want to do
is calmly go upstairs and take out my scissors. I even
thought I saw new cuts on my arm this afternoon. I was
sitting there and caught sight of my arm out of the corner
of my eye and thought I saw scabs. which isn't posible
'cause I haven't actually cut yet. I don't know. I'm
just feeling very scared and confused. I've certain things
out to an extent. I know what I'm feeling and what I want.
but that doesn't mean very much when I don't fully know
where anybody else who's involved stands. I'm afraid to
act without knowing. things have been going so well for
me lately that I'm afraid of screwing things up completely
if I say or do anything. I don't know. I'm just confused.
but wyat else is new? I have to go see Debbie (my therapist)
tomorrow. joy. but I probably won't be covered by my
parents' inusurance after this so I don't know if I'll
be able to keep seeing her. though I'm not too sure how
much seeing her has actually helped me other than by
providing a new source of guilt for when I si. I don't
know. I'd just really like to cut tonight. really really
would. but I know it won't solve anything. or will it?
temporarily. which is a start (and the wrong way to think
about it). and I don't really have much to fall back on
to keep me from it tonight. first option is the phone
call but the person who I call is either not home or can't
hear the phone (tried calling earlier). other option is
to go curl myself up in a blanket. this is a suggestion
from Debbie. which I've done before anyway. but usually
only when I'm so depressed that I can't even motivate
myself enough to cut. I don't know. I want to. and I
feel stupid for it. but if I don't I'm gonna feel stupid
for not having enough guts to go through with it. and it
is cool enough out now to wear long sleeves. fall is on
it's way. fall is a good season. sometimes I wish I could
just fix all my problems by killing myself. but I don't
have enough guts to do that. stupid cowardly me. I don't
know what to do. I should go read nad then get to sleep.
it was a long busy day at work. and I'm off tomorrow so I
can sleep in a little bit. I still need to finish up my
latin assignment and get my chem reading done. hope to
get the latin done in the mornong before my appointment
and do the chem before class in the evening. I hate that
class. scares me. I'm gonna fail again. just can't do
that stuff. normal chem I can handle. even orgo. this
stuff is almost as bad as engineering was. I couldn't do
that either. that's how I ended up in geology. which I
can do. sort of. I wish I was good enough in music so
that I could've majored in that. I'm sick of being only
mediocre at so many things. why can't I have one thing
to excell at? seems like everyone else does. I don't know.
wish I'd stop fighting with myself and decide already whether
or not I'm gonna do it. I think too much. I should just
act. it would be so soothing to see some blood right about
now. it would indeed. so comforting to feel my srm stinging.
ever so. I almost always sleep well after I cut. my mind
is released so I can just drift into a nice deep sleep.
which I could certainly use. sleeping is hard enough for
me to begin with let alone when I'm trying to sleep by my
self. I don't like that. I get too used to sleeping with
someone beside me. that's an incredible comfort. I don't
know. I just don't know. I'm tired of trying to figure out
and write down what's going on in my head. too much effort.
I should really just go read. but I'm afraid that I'll start
obsessing if I go upstairs. my scissors are there. my
beautiful lovely purple handled scissors. my friend.
now that's a scary though. they're certainly alot more
dependable than a person is. bad me. comparing objects
to people. talking to them is one thing, comparing, another.
my head really hurts. my eyes have been aching. I'm stressed.
this I can tell. the day was way too long and busy and
that's why I'm so tired and depressed. I must convince
myself that I'll feel better in the morning after I've had
some good sleep. it's worth a shot. we shall see.
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