journal-september '99-part 2
9/21/99 I'm tired. I was tired and feeling ok and now
I'm tired and feeling blah. I don't like feeling blah.
ah, word of warning about the movie Stigmata. excellent
movie but rather triggering at times. but what can you
expect from a movie with that title other than lots of blood.
glorious red blood. I'm tired. ignore me. I should
sleep. hungry too, just feeling too lazy and tired to bother finding
something to eat. things are finally settling down after
the lovely little visit we had from tropical storm Flyod.
that doesn't look like it's spelled right. I don't really
care at this point. which is no good. I'm just very tired.
but that puts me in a good position to work myself into
an si mood. it's been preying on my mind a bit off and on
but not significantly so. at least I don't think so.
nearly had a big upset last friday though. the town I was
in was basically competely flooded so I had no idea how I was
going to get to work so I called my boss to let her know
that I was most likely going to be late, if not very late.
she was pissy on the phone because of that and then lectured
me about being on time when I got to work. I knew I had
to plan extra time for traffic, I just didn't know that
I had to plan 2 hours extra. tell me, how was I supposed
to know? she thinks I should have known. and she flat
out said that she knew I was frustrated from dealing with
all the traffic and the last thing that I needed to her
was her lecture and she went ahead with it anyway. she
just completely didn't understand that I did do what was
within my power to get there. and it obviously wasn't
good enough for her. I came so close to taking one of those
lovely little red razor like things and going into the
bathroom and cutting. I started planning it all out.
and I nearly did. but I made myself put it off bit by bit
by convincing myself that I should call someone over my dinner
break to rant first, then I could do it. but by the time
dinner came I felt pretty much sane again. which is good.
'cause it really bothered me that I was upset enough to
seriously consider cutting at work and doing it with something
that didn't belong to me. and because I had basically
promised myself that I wouldn't do it with those lovely
little red razor like things. part of me just got the idea
to ask where they were bought so I can go get my own. but
that wouldn't be a very good idea, now would it. I have
my scissors. I'll just have to be satisfied with them.
anyway. enough of that, I really am starting to work myself into
that mood. I think I'll go to sleep now. I can sleep in
tomorrow 'cause I'm off. joy. so I can spend the day
doing latin. fun fun fun. wish I wasn't sleeping alone tonight.
oh well.
9/23/99 not much to say today. just figured I should
write 'cause I haven't had the time to do that much lately.
I'm just really tired. I should've gone back o sleep when
I got home this morning. but I was doing ok then. I was
more awake after I started moving. and then I went and
visited the wonderful bamboo forest. oh, it's a wonderful
place. I need to get back there this weekend to do a ritual.
today is the autumnal equinox and saturday is the full moon
so I figure I'll go saturday morning before work. should
work out fine. I refuse to let another sabbat go by unobserved.
well, without doing a ritual at least. I've been neglectful.
maybe I should go take a nap. it would be better though
to go take a shower and then do some of my latin. I have
both my latin and my chem exams next wednesday. eek. I'm
scared about the chem. I'm definitley learning more and
better from this prof. but still. it's gonna be hard.
it scares me. oh well. my eyes are hurting. probably because
I'm tired. that's what it usually is. but how can I be
tired when I got about 8 hours of sleep last night and close
to 14 the night before? I don't know. maybe I'm depressed.
but I've been feeling ok. it's only when I come back home
and sit inside that I start to crash. only then. it's
a marvelously gorgeous day out. fall is definitley in the
air. what could be better? and yet I'm sitting here in
the dreary house trying to keep my mind off cutting.
trying so hard. 'cause I know it wouldn't take much to
push me to it right now. for no reason too. I hate that.
must stop thinking about it. must do something else.
I think I'll go make some toast and read for a little bit.
I have too much time to waste right now. I should be productive
and do homework or go buy some more work clothes. I hate
shopping though. especially for clothes. how un-female
of me. later.
9/24/99 still not too much to say. just have time to kill
which would be better spent studying. oh well. it's another
gorgeous fall like day out. I don't know how long it's
gonna last but I'm gonna enjoy it while it does. as best I
can at least. yesterday certainly did not remain a day where
I could enjoy it. oh well. trigger happy mind. think I'm
ok today though. I'm home and I'm not down yet. I need to
figure out how to get my site on some search engines. I've
tried the whole thing of suggest/add your site. but it never
seems to work. dunno why. it's annoying. oh well. I got
a belated b-day present last night. a lovely green amber
necklace. it's a nice large oval of amber set in siver
which is a pretty viney/leaf thing. it's beautiful. he has great
taste. and a wonderful way with words. it amazes me sometimes
how some people can be so articulate without really having to try.
I have to pick and choose and search for the right words.
everyone has they're different abilities. it would be nice
to make the words come out and sound the same way they do when
they're in my head. oh well. anyway. I should probably
go iron my dress for work so that I don't end up running late.
I still need to shower. wish I didn't have to go to work.
it would be such a nice day just to be outside. I could
sit outside and do my work. or just enjoy the day. that would
be nice. but it's not happening I suppose. oh well. ok, I'm starting
to sicken myself with the happy talk. I'll go iron. later.
well, it's later. and I was feeling rather good until mother
came in to say good night. why does she have to hug and kiss
me? why does it make me cringe so? I was doing perfectly
fine. now I'm not. don't know what I am though. tired is
a good place to start. I shouldn't write long. though I
can sleep in tomorrow. don't have to be at work until 4.
this really sucks. I was in a very good mood. now I'm
pissed that it's gone. oh well. what can I do. sleep.
and hope that it returns. unless I can remember where the
good mood originated. something along the lines that my
life is actually good for the first time I can remember.
I am me, I'm a person, a whole person. I can think and do
things for myself. I can survive without using not so good
coping mechanisms. I am self sufficient. there isn't anything
in my life that I'm so dependent on that I can't live without it.
well, there are basic necessities of life. but I mean in an unhealthy
way. the way things were 6 months ago. I don't always think
this way. I know there are times when I feel like I just can't
go on, like there's no longer any point to anything, that no one
cares, all that good stuff. but not right now. right now
I'm just feeling like a person. if that makes any sense.
dunno. don't really matter I suppose. what would be nice
is if I knew where life is taking me. I thought I had it
all worked out. but things change. which I didn't expect.
but I'm so glad they did. but now I don't know where I'm
going. I feel like I should have more of a plan. sometimes.
other times I'm just plain happy taking it one day at a time, not
pushing or asking for too much, no expectations. I have hopes.
but no real plan. oh well. doesn't matter. things will go
as they will. but for now. sleep.
9/25/99 some people have an angel on their shoulder, I have a
kitty on my shoulder. literally. I love my cat. explain
to me though, how my work schedule is my fault when my boss
is the one who makes it up. it's not my fault that she scheduled
me to close basically everynight this week so that I can't
have a life. so it's not my fault that I can't make it out
to mabon celebration, as much as I want to. I don't know.
I know I take things too personally. I can't call in sick.
especially not since one of the new girls just quit. I
certainly don't like the fact that it's going to be 2 days since
I last saw him. and the way he's making it sound it's gonna
turn into 3. which makes me even more unhappy. not what I
needed to wake up to. at least it's not triggering me to si.
which is surprizing. this is just that sort of mood. did
make me wanna just lie there in bed and not get up and eat
even though I was starving. like I could make myself disappear
if I didn't eat. the cat is stalking the birds outside through the
window. it's amusing. though now she's got a different
plan. I think it's nap time. but it's so cute when she's
sitting there watching the birds and starts to make this
little cooing type sound. it's her bird call. it's a totally
unnatural cat sound. but she does it. but she's weird. but
wonderfully so. I was wrong, it's bath time. anyway.
now I don't know what to write. ran out of thoughts. easy to
do right after Ive woken up. maybe I should do some latin.
really don't want to though. this really sucks. I was in
such a nice mood yesterday. and now it's all gone. I hate
losing my good moods. well, it was nice while it lasted.
I don't know. I should just go back to sleep and not wake
up. there's the answer to all of my problems. which I had
mistakenly though were answered already. that sounds really
bad. worse than it actually is I think. but still. I'm starting
to want to cut. more and more and more. I would feel so much
better. but it would end up causing more problems when it
comes time for explainations and reasons as to why I didn't
try not to. but I ant to. I really want to now. it would
be so easy and I would feel so much better. I would. I don't
know. it's so stupid. it really is. it's not my fault.
but I feel responsible for disappointing him. but it was
nothing that's within my power to control really. not at
this point. I don't know. no place to cut that's easy to hide really.
not right now. most of my work clothes have short sleeves.
arms out. my skirts don't cover my ankles. lower legs pretty much
out. thighs, well, thst's do-able actually. and it bleeds
so nicely. but always looks so much more worse than it
actually is. which has it's pluses and minuses. but it's
been so long. why can't I just hold on to that? I don't need
it, really I don't. but it would be soooooo good. I wanna
go upstairs and curl up in the hopes that I'll feel better
but that puts me up there withthe scissors. lovely lovely
purple handled scissors. beautiful things. it's such a stupid
reason. it really is. but it's always a stupid reason.
now I wanna cry. which isn't gonna happen. never does.
not when I need or want to at least. I don't know. time to
go curl up.
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