Disclaimers: This is a piece of extreme silliness that I had to
get out of my system. There is some cartoon-type violence. There are multiple
references to a relationship between two consenting adults of the female
variety, including one rather obvious incident involving a bush (well,
it could have just been a friendly massage -- guess it depends on your
interpretation). If this doesn't float your boat, I suggest you paddle
downstream. If you're not old enough to swim in this end of the pool, please
go back to the shallows.
I guess you could call this an uber story. There are lots of things you could call it. I'm not sure I want to know what most of them are.
There are a great number of thinly veiled references to characters and plots owned by MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures, as well as one Warner Brothers character, a running gag directly lifted from a certain BBC program, and an old TV show I think was on NBC. I don't mean to intrude, only to borrow them for a while for the sake of few cheap belly-laughs. I am not making one red cent from this tale.
It may seem strange that I gave generic names to the most important characters in this piece and real names to the supporting cast. I'm still not sure why I did it. I just seemed funnier to me.
{A community center building at 7 p.m. on a Tuesday night. A group has gathered to discuss the script for the upcoming Renaissance Festival. Over half the group is actually in the 20th Century variant of "medieval garb"}
Cliff: Okay, everyone. Let's come to order. I'd like to open the floor for suggestions...
{He gets no further as bedlam ensues. A sudden shrill whistle startles the group, and everyone turns to look at the tall, dark-haired woman (TDHW) as she drops her fingers from her lips.}
TDHW: Look, I don't have all night to stand around and listen to you people whine. I want to be one of the jousters, and I want to win. I suggest you build the rest of the script around that.
Cliff: Uh, I can live with that. Any objections?
{Any who look as though they might object get blasted with a searing look. One small, be-spectacled fellow in a fur toga actually bursts into flames. Two bystanders take him out on the balcony and toss him into the community pool.}
Cliff: Anyone else?
Phil: I think we should have Henry the VIIIth as king again!
{Lots of groans.}
Cliff: That would be 10 years in a row, Phil. I think everyone is getting a little tired of Henry.
A voice from the back: Henry the VIIIth again? This is because you want more grilled turkey legs, isn't it, Phil?
{More unproductive discussion goes on, with the TDHW standing in the middle with her arms folded and muttering about lances, swords, and the grinding opponents into the mud. During a momentary lull in conversation, another voice pops up, much gentler that the TDHW. It is a small, light-haired woman (SLHW). The others turn and look at her, wondering who she thinks she is.}
SLHW: Um, I know I'm new here, but I've found that we can settle disagreements of this kind at work by mapping out a strategy on a process chart. The items that don't work in the model will fall out as we proceed. Do you have a chalkboard we can use?
TDHW: My God, you're a management consultant, aren't you?
SDHW: Well, yes.
TDHW: AAUGH! One of the Hoard! Run!
{During the frantic milling about, the SLHW finds a chalkboard and sets it up on a chair. She then goes about, calming members of the group and forming them into a process action team before they realize what is happening. The TDHW, being more experienced (she'd fought members of the Hoard ten winters ago, and understood their insidious tricks), sat in the back of the room, glowering some more and shaking her head mournfully.}
{An hour later, the process action team's chart looks like this:
Things crossed out: Henry VIIIth, topless wenches, alcohol-free ale
Things not crossed out: Richard the Lionheart, Robin Hood (almost crossed out), grilled turkey legs, woman warrior, Amazon queen captured during Crusades}
Stan: I'm telling you, we CAN'T have Richard with an amazon captive. Good Lord, there are at least a thousand years between his reign and when the amazons were mentioned in Greek mythology.
Cliff: Maybe they were from a hidden island.
Stan: You read too many comic books.
Cliff: Maybe we can just ignore the timeline. This is fantasy, after all.
Stan: You just want to have broads in leather bikinis running around.
TDHW: Did you just say "broads"?
Stan: Uh oh. Um, did I say that I volunteer to be Robin Hood?
TDHW: Does the woman warrior get to kill Robin Hood?
Stan: Okay, Cliff can be Robin Hood {He hastily changes the subject.} We really need to cast the Amazon Queen. What's she going to be like?
Cliff: Cute, blond, perky, looks good in a bikini... {Cliff is suddenly knocked unconscious by a shining metal object that bounces off two walls and clonks him in the back of the head. Everyone looks around to see where it came from, except for the TDHW, who is staring at her fingernails and idly humming a Bulgarian chant.}
TDHW: {Looks up and raises an eyebrow} Gee, does that sound like anyone we know?
{Everyone turns and stares at the SLHW.}
SLHW: {Squeaks} Who, me?
Stan: You do realize that if we have an Amazon queen being rescued by a big, muscular woman in leather armor everyone will assume that they're....
TDHW: What?
Stan: Well, you know, gay.
TDHW: Oh, for God's sake. Why is it that guys simply can't handle the idea of two women having a close relationship without sex being in the middle of it?
SLHW: He's right, though. We'll have to be careful or we'll have every right-wing nut in a hundred-mile radius camped out in front of the ticket booth.
Stan: We'll just have to be sure that none of the script confirms that anything is going on between them.
Cliff: Okay, it won't be in the text. But if we imply that there IS something going on, the story will be a lot more interesting.
Stan: Not in the text? You mean like some kind of sub-text?
Cliff: Exactly.
{Later, the TDHW introduces the SLHW to her horse.}
SLHW: You named your horse "Minnow"?
TDHW: I thought it would be a good idea to name him after a boat.
SLHW: But "Minnow"? Shouldn't it have been a boat involved in some big battle, or an epic quest or something? Not one that sank during a stinking three hour tour!
TDHW: Stop making fun of my horse. You'll give him a complex.
SLHW: If you've been calling him Minnow, I'm sure he already has one.
TDHW: Shut up.
{Later still, the costumers introduce the TDHW and the SLHW to their outfits for the festival.}
TDHW: Have you ever tried to ride a horse with no pants on? I have no intention getting saddle-burned thighs just to satisfy your prurient interests.
Costumer: You could always wear flesh-colored tights.
{TDHW puts her hands over her eyes.}
SLHW: You expect me to wear a bra made out of a green rug?
Costumer: We were trying to go for that rough, homespun look.
SLHW: I think you succeeded in the rough, painful nipple look.
{Stan introduces the TDHW and SLHW to the script.}
SLHW: {squeaks (she does that a lot, doesn't she?)} You want me to ride on a horse? But I'm afraid of horses! And Minnow {a series of snorts and guffaws are quickly stifled by a scathing Look} is so TALL! Couldn't I have a pony, or a donkey, or something?
TDHW: How about a tricycle?
SLHW: Bite me.
Cliff: No, no, that's the other one's line!
{Cliff ducks when he hears a familiar whirring and ping of something metal spinning through the air and bouncing off the wall. The object instead hits the costumer's elbow, who accidentally rips the BGSB she was altering.}
Costumer: Dang, now it's going to be even smaller! Maybe I should just go with that leather bikini that Cliff suggested.
{The first day of the festival. The entrance is mobbed hours before the openning, but a close inspection reveals that all of them are carrying signs that say things like "Protest Unnatural Women" and "Keep Leather on Your Feet".}
TDHW: Stan, I thought this wasn't supposed to happen!
Stan: I don't get it; maybe they were having a slow day or something!
SLHW: {running back from her conversation with the mob} They aren't protesting because of the subtext thing. They just don't like the idea of strong women and leather bikinis. {Everyone glares at Cliff.} Anyway, I explained the whole thing to them. Cliff: Look, they're leaving! {Sure enough, the crowd was swarming back to their cars. Unfortunately, they were only going for more paint and signs.}
Stan: What EXACTLY did you explain to them??
SLHW: Uh....
TDHW: If you squeak, I'm going to drag you behind my horse until you shut up. {A knight unexpectedly comes up behind her and smacks her on the back of the head with a large fish.}
TDHW: What the hell was that? Stay here, I'm going to make some sushi. {Stalks away.}
SLHW: Does anyone know why she always has a hubcap in her hand?
Stan: She's an auto mechanic.
SLHW: I thought she was a Karate instructor.
Cliff: I thought she was a computer geek.
Tweety: I tawt I saw a puddy tat.
Phil: I thought she was a grilled turkey leg cook. {The hubcap comes whizzing through the air and knocks the turkey leg out of Phil's hand.}
Phil: Hey! I was eatting that!
Stan: Obviously, she has many skills.
Phil: And good hearing. {Shakes his hand} That smarts.
{Later that afternoon.}
{A pimply-faced teenager separates from the crowd at the festival and approaches the TDHW.}
PFT: Hey, my friends and I are arguing about you and the Queen. So, are you or aren't you, um....
TDHW: WHAT? Are we friends? Bridge partners? Vegetarians? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
PFT: Never mind! {His voice fades as he takes off through the crowd.}
SLHW: You didn't have to scare him like that.
TDHW: Well, I'm getting sick of people asking THAT question. I don't want our relationship to be everyone's sexual fantasy. It makes me uncomfortable.
SLHW: "Our relationship"? I think you're burying yourself in the part, honey.
TDHW: {Sighing} You called me honey.
SLHW: I think I preferred psycho warrior mode. Lovesick teenager mode may be less dangerous, but it's much more annoying. Wouldn't you like to go throw your hubcap at someone?
TDHW: Who'd you like me to throw it at, sweetcheeks?
SLHW: {Unable to suppress a shudder} How about that blond over there? I don't like the way she's looking at you.
TDHW: You mean the tall, slender one with the hazel eyes?
SLHW: Yes! Get her! {The TDHW tosses her hubcap at the blond, who catches it. The TDHW is too shocked to speak. The tall, slender blond (TSB) gives her an evil smile.}
TSB: Oh, how I've missed you!
SLHW: Do you KNOW her?
TDHW: Now that you mention it, she does look kind of familiar. Now where do I know her from?
TSB: You repaired my car and it burst into flames! Everything I ever loved was in that car! Now I'm going to kill everything you love in a twisted attempt at revenge! {The TSB cackles and throws the hubcap at the SLHW. It misses, but neatly beheads the purple dinosaur that the TDHW won for her at the hubcap toss booth.} That'll do!
SLHW: You heartless fiend! {She picks up the hubcap.} Teach me how to kill her, honey.
{The TSB turns and cartwheels away.}
SLHW: Is she a cheerleader, or something?
TDHW: I seem to remember she had a set of pom-poms in the back seat of her car. They really went up fast. {They hear a high-pitched scream in the distance.} I guess she really liked those pom-poms.
SLHW: I think we have to be at the jousting field soon. Wish I could wear a watch, but I guess it would be a bit anachronistic.
TDHW: {Sneaks a look at a bystander's watch, then looks at the sky} It's about 3:10. We have a few minutes to get over there.
SLHW: How did you do that?
TDHW: I have... {She stops and ducks just as the knight behind her swings the fish. It hits the SLHW right in the face.} many skills. {The knight shakes his head and walks away.}
TDHW: C'mon. Let's go get your face washed off. I want to show you something I found out in the woods.
SLHW: But the joust....
TDHW: It'll only take a minute.
{Half an hour later.}
Phil: Where are they? We can't hold the joust much longer!
Stan: I sent Cliff out to look for them. If they're not here in 10 minutes, we'll just go with last year's script.
Phil: I can't believe that she'd just disappear like this. She's been after us to let her joust for years!
{In the nearby woods}
Cliff: {pulling leaves off of his feathered cap} Why did Stan send me out here? I hate nature. {There are giggles off to the side of the path. Cliff follows them and soon sees pieces of black and brown leather hanging haphazardly off of bushes and tree branches. A sword, hubcap and long stick are in a pile under a tree. He can hear throatly voices coming from a wiggling bush nearby.}
SLHW: {Deep satisfied sigh} So, that's what you wanted to show me?
TDHW: Yeah. {There is a wet, squishy sound} Want to see it again?
SLHW: {Her voice gets even deeper} Oh, yeah!
{Cliff runs all the way back to the jousting field. He doesn't even notice that he lost his hat back by the bush.}
TDHW: Hey! Something just landed on my back!
SLHW: Oh, it's a pretty red feather. I wonder where it came from?
TDHW: Who cares? I just want to think about where it's going! {Lots more giggling, leaf rustling, and satiated purring.}
No bushes were injured during this story, but Cliff's feather was never the same.
