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Big Fat Joeycat's INFOMATO- one of only a few news services with a bureau in Hell |
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World Wide News BEFORE It Happens The technology we employ in gathering information is so advanced we are now able to bring you full coverage of the news BEFORE it happens. Forget "late breaking", our news ain't even news yet. To effectively utilize this cutting edge medium simply do the following. First ponder "who" in the first row of the patented ADVANCO-SONIC news reader below. It won't take long. Believe us, you'll know who. Then allow your prying eyes to peruse "what" in the second and third rows. Again, don't worry, you'll quickly figure out what. Most folks are satisfied with who did what, but if you want the details, repeat the perusing in the "where" and "when" rows. Now that's all pretty simple, isn't it? So, if you follow these instructions, we assure you you'll know all the World Wide News BEFORE it happens (perhaps LONG BEFORE it happens).
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Flashback Crow Daddy P-- the first chicken to cross a road
WHY DID CROW DADDY P CROSS THE ROAD?
WHAT WERE CROW DADDY'S FIRST WORDS AFTER CROSSING THE ROAD? A. Look at me! B. That's one small step for chicken, one great leap for poultry C. Next stop Disneyworld D. I think I'll get an RC to go with those Luckies E. I do chicken right F. Hen, I know you want it. TOP Learn something at Big Fat University |
Hell's Bells pitwide coverage of what's hot by INFOMATO reporters Benny and Billy Bell Reading our column should give you a good idea of what Hell is like. Since this is our inaugural report and many of our readers are Hell ignorant, we thought we'd present a general "facts and stats" on the region. So, here goes. President: Hubert H. Humphrey. Next election: in 400 years. Man-to-woman ratio: 5,000,000 to 1. Television channels: The Weather Channel (TWC), Pattern Signal (PS), Automated Community Access (ACA). Top 5 TV shows: 1- Pattern Signal, PS (Thu. 9pm), 2- Pattern Signal, PS (Sun. 8pm), 3- Pattern Signal, PS (Wed. 9 PM), 4- Pattern Signal, PS (Tue. 10pm), 5- This Week's Ice Water Schedule, ACA (Fri. 4:35 AM). Population: growing too fast to count. Sports teams: Raisers, Cats, Icopters (all baseball). Prettiest woman: Eleanor Roosevelt. Second prettiest woman: Lassie. Favorite backyard activity: toasting weenies. Second favorite backyard activity: toasting marshmallows. Third favorite backyard activity: mile-high pogo. Most popular car: Pontiac Firebird. Most popular truck: Uncle Willie's Water Wagon. Most visited web site: Angelfire.com Second most visited web site: MyDirtyDeeds.com Best selling group: The Famous Flames. Best selling book: "Why Women Are Both Rare And Well Done". Highest peak: Mount Melt. Largest City: Pittsburgh. Majority race: well-tanned white people. Percentage of income consumed by taxes: 116. Most prevalent religion: Devil Worship. Second most prevalent religion: any church with fans in the pews. Most popular investment vehicle: slush fund. Largest circulation newspaper: The Daily Boil. Most common health ailment: third-degree burns. Least common health ailment: water on the brain. Chance of winning Lotto: same as topside. TOP Learn something at Big Fat University |
Updated 3/25/01 |
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© 2001 by Infomato News Service |