Well, England - Nigeria was a right dog's arse of a game, wasn't it? Even worse, me body clock went SPRRRRRRROOOOIIINGGGGGGGGG and I woke up so late I had to drag me arse right across town for work. Thank God I had one o' them mini-telly jobbos, so I could watch it on the train and see what people who can't be arsed to do their duty and watch England games in pubs are like. Shower of bastards the lot of 'em. The stares I got when I pissed meself laughing whan Argentina got knocked out...

Part 9:

UNCLE NISH SEES YOU RIGHT

June 13th 2002

But anyway, seeing as it's pretty much the midway point of the World Cup, and there's bound to be one or two things you can't understand about footy and whatnot, I thought I'd take the opportunity to put you right on a few things. If there's owt else you don't get, just ask...

1. Why Is David Beckham trying to look like a sea monster out of a 1950s B-Movie?

Very good question. It's because, quite obviously, he's taking the piss. You may find this hard to believe if all you can remember of the lad is kicking out like a girly wuss and being blamed for England getting knocked out in '98, but he can do absolutely no wrong at the moment - even though everyone hates his wife (Skeletwhore herself, Posh Spice), he's been photographed wearing a sarong, and said minging wife revealed in a TV interview that he wears her knickers in the house. He's an absolute fashion plate in the hair department - I used to work next door to a Gay bar in Soho, and the week after he unvelied his mohican cut, you would come out of work to be confronted by 50 Travis Biclke lookalikes on the pavement.

Obviously, he's thought fucking hell, it's the World Cup and I can have a right laugh. I know - I'll do me hair the way you do it with kids in the bath to shut 'em up. And - no lie - I must have seen a dozen twats this week with the same style. I want him to write "I LIKE FISTING" on his forehead with a marker pen to see how many will take it up.

2. What's the deal with the Village People song?

You mean 'Go West', right? Well, its nothing to do with the average England supporters' championing of homosexuality. Footy fans are renowned for taking popular songs and redoing them, and this one originally came from the supporters of Paris St Germain ("Alllez Paris St Germain") who sang it repeatedly when they played Arsenal in a European match. When Arsenal predictably went a goal up (as they always did at the time), their fans started singing "One-NIIIILLL to the Arse-en-al". And it spread all over Europe.

The other major contribution to football history from the Village People was when they actually recorded a song with the 1994 German World Cup squad. You can imagine how grim it is.

3. Where's all the Sahkah Violence?

Not happening, mate. It's too far away, it costs an absolute packet to get there, and it's so Eighties. And anyway, there'll be race riots in the North of England soon, and all our meatheaded bigots are too busy preparing for that.

4. What the fuck happened to Argentina and France? Did someone cut their balls off?

This is an amazing turn of events - and it would have been even more amusing if Italy had gone out today. France were old and wheezy and time caught up on them, while Argentina just buckled under the massive weight of expectation foisted upon them. Solid favourites a while back, they were expected to win it all and make their countrymen forget that their economy has been pissed up the wall. Today is also the 20th anniversary of Argentina surrendering the Falklands, so it's not the best of times for the poor bastards. I've had a right good laugh at their expense, but part of me really feels sorry for the pair of 'em - and that its a damn shame they won't be there in the latter stages. But then another part of me thinks 'Tee Hee!'

5. Brazil's gonna win it, aren't they?

Jesus, I hope not. Nothing against them, but Brazil winning would be a very predictable end to the most unpredictable World Cup ever. They've had a right pussy draw, and will play San Marino or Rhode Island or someone like that in the next round. And I hate the way the fuckers on the telly wank themselves bandy over what they did over 30 years ago, and all that fake-arse Salsa and drumming shit has got on my tits ever since Ricky fucking Martin. It gets in the way of the fact that they can actually play a bit, but their defence looks well suspect and they might get their arses kicked when they meet a serious team.

6. What about England - Denmark?

Hm. Don't want to talk about that right now.

7. What about the USA?

Unlike most people, I love it when America are in the World Cup, as (up until September 11th), it's been the only chance you ever get to patronise Americans. When they win - Hurrah! Good for little ol' America! When they lose - Awww, poor old America, they tried really hard and they can't help it if they're a bit crap. One day, America will arise to the glory of football, and win the thing. And we will never hear the last of it. Until then, they've been an absolute joy to watch and I hope they make it to the knockout stage, but I feel the same way about South Korea and Portugal as well.

8. So who is gonna win it, then?

God knows. Brazil are favourites, but I can still see them choking. Italy have had an absolute mare in the group stage, but they always do and then they pick up serious momentum. Spain look good, but they always find ways to balls it up. And then there's always England...

9. Oh, fuck off, Nishlord. Surely you're not suggesting that England could win it...

Hey...why not? We actually have a decent defence, we might just catch Brazil unawares in the quarter-final, and then we could easily go all the way on a wave of confidence. Beckham and Owen haven't even got started yet, and if we can get out shit together and breeze past Denmark, it might actually happen.

10. Really ?

No, I'm talking out me arse. But then again...nah. Er, actually, I just don't know. Your guess is as good as mine.

Right - the group stage finishes tomorrow, and then we're full-tilt into the beginning of the knockout rounds, and then it all goes mental. Keep it locked, chaps...this weekend is gonna be SKILL...