For those of you not familiar with the obsession that is OSU football, let me try to explain. When I first moved to Columbus…way back in 1970 when Jesus…er I mean…Woody Hayes was coach…I had a roommate who grew up here. His family graciously invited me and a couple cronies over for Sunday dinner. And there on the wall of their dining room was a portrait of Woody himself. In the dining room…as if he was a respected uncle or something. I found this amusing and when I made it obvious that I did…well…let’s just say I came pretty damned close to being shown the door. I learned early on to temper my voice about “Woody and his boys”. I also became keenly aware that when there was talk of “OSU tradition” what that meant was not specifically cheerleaders, the marching band, the alma mater, Brutus Buckeye (a guy in a scarlet and gray striped polo shirt with a giant nut where his head should be) or sportsmanship. The word “tradition” in Columbus, Ohio means just one thing…winning every frikkin’ football game the Buckeyes play…preferably by a point spread of 56.
It was a given that I was supposed to hate anyone who was born in…ever lived in…or drove through…the state of Michigan. Yet I found it amusing that these very people insisted everyone drive American built automobiles. This was back when American cars were actually made in the United States…in a city called Detroit…which last time I checked was right in the middle of Michigan. I became a Browns fan in college because I had another roommate from Pittsburgh who was a big Steelers fan. I didn’t hate him…still don’t. Although I’ll admit there were a couple times…after the Browns played the Steelers…that we wouldn’t talk to each other for a few days. But we always made up.
Every week…and I am not exaggerating here…every damned week someone writes in to the Columbus Dispatch…complaining that there isn’t enough coverage in the paper about Buckeye football. Forget that it might be February or June. Ohio State Football is a religion to some who need to worship at the altar of Woody every single day of their lives. I find this kind of sad really.
A few years ago I was shopping for a new winter jacket at the local Kohl’s…a discount store that has a sale every day…EVERY day!!! I think they even have sales when they’re closed. Anyway, they had these pretty nice looking OSU Buckeye coats and the prices were incredibly low. I thought “what the hell…I’ve worked for OSU a long, long time…and when you’re cold you don’t care what you look like anyway”…so I began picking one out for myself. And there was an older gentleman looking at these very same coats. His wife said, “Honey…why don’t you get one of these Buckeye jackets for yourself? They are really reasonable!” To which the old guy replied, “Are you KIDDING! These coats have black on them! Buckeye colors are scarlet and gray not BLACK, scarlet and gray!” The man was as serious as a man could be. I decided to buy one right then and there.
I was reminded of this scenario this spring when Ohio Sate revealed their “new” jerseys…which ironically look pretty close to the same jerseys worn in the mid 80’s and again…way back when Woody was coach. Yet the outcry was amazing. People got more upset than they did for say…the war in Iraq!! The word “tradition” (winning every frikkin’ football game by at least 56 points) was being thrown all over the place. Hundreds of fans wrote to the newspaper complaining about how now they would HAVE to buy themselves a new jersey to wear to the games! And get this…it wasn’t necessarily the price that bothered them. No. OSU fans…like Pavlov’s dogs…spend millions on Buckeye paraphernalia every year. What bothers these people is that THERE IS NO GRAY ON THE NEW JERSEYS!!!! The jersey is almost ALL scarlet!!! The school colors are scarlet AND GRAY!!! Never mind that their pants are gray…their helmets mostly gray. I can hear the wailing and gnashing of teeth as I write this! The blasphemy!! Oh the humanity!! And the irony of ironies…people are shouting “What would Woody say!!” Or “Woody is rolling in his grave!!!” This may have moved the number one subject of discussion at the spring game…and the real games for that matter…from who should be quarterbacking to “oh the agony of these grayless jerseys! Where is the tradition (winning every frikkin’ game by at least 56 points)?!!!”
I guess it could be worse for me. Columbus is at least somewhat a real city. I could be living in Norman, Oklahoma…home of the Sooners.
Epilogue – Scarlet defeated gray in the annual “spring game” 12-0. I guess reality follows fashion.
