THE DAILY TRAVESTY for February 2,
2000
Volume 1, Issue 22
"Work like you don't need the money. Love
like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching."
Satchmo Paige
WITH THE INTENT TO SEXUALLY AROUSE Part 3 of
4
Copyright © 2000 David Steinberg
Devil Desire
Thus does the city of Erie,
Pennsylvania, proudly stake its moral standing on the classic American attitude
toward sexual desire, the one that so consistently ends up with everyone tied up
in knots of guilt and self-hatred. In all likelihood, Attorney Karle will bring
an obscene amount of antisexual grief into the world before he dies, but we can
be thankful to him for being such a true believer in his cause that he forces
the rest of us look his issue directly in the eye.
Stated simply,
Attorney Karle and the aldermen of the City of Erie believe that enjoying being
sexually aroused by anyone other than one's spouse (which means, among others,
being aroused by one's unmarried mate, mate-to-be, adolescent boyfriend, or
girlfriend -- but that's another story), is (choose your language) sinful,
wrong, or at least a social problem severe enough to require society's
intervention through the power of law. These people believe that extramarital
sexual arousal of any form, regardless of whether it leads to any sexual acts
that could be called marital "infidelity," is the devil at the door, the
destroyer of homes and families, the heart of darkness, a root cause of the very
moral chaos that we all know is destroying the fabric of our society even as we
speak. Being sexually aroused by someone other than one's spouse, say these
people, is something to be resisted, denied, eliminated when possible, strictly
controlled when not. It is certainly not something that we should allow to be
embraced, encouraged, and enjoyed at the 3000 Kandylands that open for business
night after night from sea to shining sea in this great nation of
ours.
Now, ridicule and moral imperatives aside, I believe that Attorney
Karle and the self-declared Good Citizens of Erie have a point of legitimate
concern, however inappropriately they focus their consternation on the owners of
Klub Kandyland. Uncontrolled or badly managed sexual arousal does have the
potential to cause a great deal of personal and social misery and confusion.
Sexual arousal, like any other important aspect of being alive, needs to be
taken seriously and pursued with intelligence, maturity, and responsibility, as
well as with imagination and passionate enthusiasm. But before we can exercise
this complicated balance of passion and responsibility, we must first
understand, honor, and appreciate sexual desire clearly, which means taking it
on its own terms. Unfortunately, this is precisely what the Attorney Karles of
the world consistently refuse to do, and there -- in my humble opinion -- lies
the rub.
* * * * *
Mr. Momomoto, famous Japanese who
can swallow his nose, has been exposed. It was recently revealed that it
was Mr. Momomoto's brother who has been doing
all of this nose swallowing.
Jazzed
This is the winner of last month's Porno
Short Story Contest. The rules stipulated that the stories had to be 200 words
or less with no profanity, and all anatomical references had to be replaced with
musical instruments, players, or references to music.
It was a balmy night out and I was feeling
thelonious. I hadn't had any tatum in so long I could have bixed a
choirgirl. But I wouldn't have to - the moment I entered the Luboff
Lounge, the babe with the giant eubies fixed me with a "come duke me"
look. She uncrossed her legs and I could see almost all the way to
birdland. I felt a tingle in my tito puente, and with a smile, I had her.
This is it.
No sooner had we closed my front door than
this hot django had grabbed me by the hines and pulled me close. I
insinuated my hand under her sweater until I found one of her brubecks, then I
slowly traced a circle around her lee konitz.
"Oh, baby," she cooed, "you make my red norvo
wet." She unzipped my getz, and reached in to cradle my johnny hodges in
her hand. "I'd love a little mingus, darling. My gillespie is
aching."
By this time my king oliver was ready to take
a solo; I could hardly wait to coda, but I obliged her. She hoisted her
skirt, and I saw that she wasn't wearing any basies. I Dove right into her
satchmo and attacked her lennie tristano.
"Ooh," she moaned, "I want your krupa!
Zoot me! Miff me! Fill my cootie williams!" I was ready - almost. I felt in my
pocket. Uh - oh. "Sorry, sweets," I said. "No blakey
tonight. I'm all out of condons."
Oh--What if it's true What
my heart says Oh--What'll I do What if this feeling becomes hard to
part with You were meant to play your part In the design of a
desperate heart Oh--if I'd only known what your heart
cost Oh--can we call it a loan? And a debt that I owe, on a bet
that I lost Yeah--can we say that I've grown? In some way that we
may have yet to be shown
As always, if you
would like to contribute anything to this publication, your work or
not-your-work, in the form of a story, poem, quotation, essay, letter, opinion,
satire, monologue, statement, speech, holy transmission, prayer, curse, or any
other form under the sun, whether or not it has a name, please feel free to
do so. We only ask that it be relatively SHORT. We also reserve the
right to edit your submission, but we promise to let you and everyone else know if we do (and we don't intend
to).