Believe it or else, beauty and truth fans, it's time for a
prayer for YOU. A prayer to end all prayers. A prayer for everything
you've never asked for before, because you weren't sure you deserved it. A
special, no-nonsense, hype-free prayer exclusively for you-- in the most
unselfish tone of voice I've ever mustered.
Ready?
I am starting to pray right now to the God of Gods, the God
beyond all Gods, the Girlfriend of God, the Teacher of God, the Goddess who
invented God, and what I pray is:
Oh Goddess Who Never Kills But Only Changes:
I pray that my exuberant, suave, and accidental words might
move You to unleash ferocious blessings on all the beauty and truth fans who've
tuned in.
I pray that You'll grant them what they don't even know they
want. Not just the boons they think they need but everything they've been afraid
to even imagine or wish for.
Oh Goddess, You Wealthy Anarchist Burning Heaven to the
Ground:
The divine chameleons out there in sacred space don't even
know they're crazy. Please use Your blinding magic to help them see they're all
wildly creative geniuses too big for their own bodies.
Guide them to realize that they're all completely different
from what they think they are and more exciting than they can possibly
imagine.
And make it immoral, illegal, irrelevant, unpatriotic and
totally tasteless for them to be in love with anyone or anything that's no good
for them.
Oh Goddess You Sly Universal Virus with No Fucking
Opinion:
I beg that You help all the personal growth-addicts that are
reading this prayer to be disciplined enough to go crazy in the name of creation
not destruction.
I pray that You teach them the difference between
self-destructive self-control and liberating self-control.
Awaken in them the power to do the half-right thing when it's
impossible to do the totally right thing. Arouse the Wild Woman within
them--even if they're men.
Give them bigger, better, more original sins and wilder,
wetter, more interesting problems.
And oh Goddess You Pregnant Criminal Who Scorns All
Mediocre Longing:
Inspire all the original sinners out there to love their
enemies in case their friends turn out to be jerks.
Provoke them to throw away things that make them believe
they're better than everyone else.
Show them how much fun it is to brag about what they can't do
and don't have.
Most of all, brainwash them with Your freedom, so that they
never love their own pain more than anyone else's pain.
Oh Goddess, you Psychedelic Mushroom Cloud at the Center of
All Our Brains:
These budding Demeters and Innanas and Buddhas and Christs
deserve everything they need and much much more.
Please arrange for a racehorse to be named after them, or a
boulevard or river or thousand-year-old storm on another planet.
Help them win the battle against time, and learn to talk the
language of the most scientific angels, and master the zen of temper tantrums,
and get a fabulous mommy and daddy in their next incarnation.
Teach them to push their own buttons and unbreak their own
hearts and right their own wrongs and sing their own songs and be their own
wives and save their own lives.
Bless them with lucid dreams while they're wide awake and
solar energy-operated sex toys that work in the dark and a vacuum cleaner for
their magic carpet and a knack for avoiding other people's hells and a secret
admirer who's not a psychotic stalker and a thousand masks that all fit their
face perfectly and their own 900 number so that everyone has to pay to talk to
them.
Oh Goddess, you Dumb Fast Infinitely Wide River of
Electricity, You Smart Slow Smoldering Lump of Angel Fat Left Over from the Big
Bang, You Ghostly Snake Who Loves Inventive Tragedy and Sophisticated
Superstition, You Cool Furnace That Incinerates the Props of Our Nightmares Much
Too Slowly, You Creator of Happy Purgatories Where Impeccably Unironic
Apocalypse Salesmen Preach Christian Satanism and Rosicrucian Baseball Players
from the Middle Ages Dream Politically Cracked Dreams That Reveal the News in
More Exact Metaphors Than Any Newspaper:
I pray that You provide all the global village idiots that are
reading this prayer with a license to bend all laws, rules, and traditions that
keep them apart from the things they love.
Show them how to purge themselves of the wishy-washy wishes
that keep them distracted from their divine desires.
And teach them that they can have anything they want if
they'll only ask for it in an unselfish tone of voice.
Oh Goddess Who Gives Us So Much Love and Pain Together That
Our Morality is Always on the Verge of Collapsing:
I beg You to cast a spell to nullify all bad spells that have
ever been cast on all the beautiful love geniuses out there.
Remove, banish, annihilate, and laugh into oblivion any jinx
that has clung to them no matter how long they've suffered from it, and even if
they've grown accustomed or addicted to its ugly companionship.
Conjure an aura of protection around them so that they will
receive an early warning if they're ever about to act in such a way that would
attract another hex or plague or voodoo into their lives.
And now, dear God of Gods, God Beyond All Gods, Sister
Lover of God, Mother of God, Goddess who invented God:
I bring this prayer to a close, trusting that in these
mysterious moments You have impregnated the dream glands of all the beauty and
truth fans out there with the most compassionate lust and smartest love You can
imagine.
And if there is anything I've forgotten which will help their
cause, please flash it into my imagination in the coming days and months and
decades, and motivate me to perform any tricks or carry out any project that
will encourage an abundant flow of sweaty creativity to flow through them,
inspiring them to become more wildly disciplined, erotically feminist,
aggressively sensitive, demonically compassionate, ironically sincere, lyrically
logical, insanely poised, orgiastically lucid, macho feminist.
Amen. Awomen. Ommmmmmm and halle-fucking-lujah.
There you have it, beauty and truth fans. A personalized
prayer just for you. A prayer that'll probably come true simply because you
didn't even ask for it.
You may now kiss yourself on your own lips.
He who lives without folly is less wise
than he believes.