T H E
D A I L Y
T R A
V E S T Y
31 March 2000
Vol. 1, Issue 61
Chatterbox's Law of Biological Determinism:
Conservatives believe that genes determine everything except
homosexuality; liberals believe that genes determine nothing except
homosexuality.
PRESS RELEASE: STRICTLY UNDER EMBARGO TILL
MIDNIGHT, MARCH 31, 2000...
Two planets, each slightly smaller than Saturn,
have just been discovered in distant sectors of the sky. The discoveries
were made by Vogt, Marcy, and Paul Butler of the Carnegie Institution of
Washington. One of the new planets was found orbiting 3.8 million miles
from the star HD46375, 109 light-years away in the constellation
Monoceros. The second, about 70 percent the mass of Saturn, was found
orbiting 32.5 million miles (52 million km) around the star 79 Ceti, 117
light-years away in the constellation Cetus.
Both planets were officially announced via a news
bulletin, earlier this week. What the scientists and astronomers have not
made public though, is the correlation between these planets and a recent source
of radio emissions, detected by the US government listening station in Menwith
Hill, Yorkshire, England.
An email from this location was accidentally
intercepted last week by two reporters for the BBC World Service. This
email implies that, when decoded, the radio signals point to plans for a
significant fly-past of interplanetary vessels during the early hours of
Sunday.
The alien craft should be visible to anyone in a
location over 1,000 ft above sea level on the North West horizon. Experts
are currently trying to decipher coded signals in an attempt to establish
whether the ships intend to land. On the basis of information so far
received, it seems likely that the intended locations for arrival would be
Boston USA, Calcutta (India) Malin Head (Ireland) and Wellington (New
Zealand).
Diplomatic delegations from the United Nations have
been despatched to all four places and told to await further instructions.
Scientific advisors from NASA, meanwhile, are contemplating an announcement,
warning subscribers to the mobile phone network about possible interference to
(and from) the spaceships.
It is, apparently, possible to pick up
transmissions between the ships on any ordinary mobile phone so long as it has a
text messaging facility. The phone must merely be set to 'text' or
'message'. Then the following digits must be dialed: 2, 7 and then, three
times in quick succession: 7,4,5,3,6,6,5.
"EROTIC is when you use a
feather. KINKY is when you use the entire chicken."