T H E
D A I L Y
T R A V E S T
Y
4 April 2000
Vol. 1, Issue 63
I AM A PHENOMENAL BITCH.
(or, The Mysterious Magic of "I Don't
Know")
Situation In Brief: I have a friend named
Jessica. She is a dependant sort of
person. I, being myself
a.k.a. a responsibility sponge, started to try to help
her deal with what
she was dealing with at the time we met. Then I couldn't
get
out. And it has been as such for about a
year.
I killed Jessica today. Not really, but more really
than anything else. I do
not expect to be forgiven, nor do I deserve to
be.
I can't pretend that I started off with good intentions, because i
don't think i
did. I was frustrated, i couldn't take the
adoration, I felt clung to and
depended on. I was using up more energy on
Jessica than I was on myself.
And it's my own fault of course. If I hadn't
spoken to her that first time, if I
hadn't, ah well. I will not let myself
stray.
So I decided that i just had to get out of
it. I needed a break, an indefinite
break. I would have to shut myself off from
her. Leave her, abandon her
even. I didn't like it, but it was obvious
that i couldn't continue as i had been,
and I refuse to let it slowly slip away, because i
don't think it would work, I just
can't see it working, and it would leave so much
unresolved. I was afraid she
would blame herself, that all would be lost, but i couldn't see anything else to
do.
But as I set my stuff down on the table
at lunch, I thought of something.
What if she didn't blame herself?
What if she had grown enough, and ended
up listening to me? If she had enough
faith in herself, and became angry at
me? Well, that would be wonderful because it
would demonstrate every single
thing that I don't want to be and don't like
and don't encourage but is
nevertheless present in me. And It would
destroy what has been keeping her
from criticizing me, and from telling me when i was
straight out wrong, which i
would have really appreciated. I have only
theories anyway, and in my
wandering I am quite likely to step on
toes. And I think I've re-established
an inner balance as well.
This may be what i needed. But enough of this, it
truly sounds so
horrible (and it is). I figured, if she survives, all is cool, and
if she doesn't, I give up! Because I wanted
to move on, but i felt tied to
Jessica. But
i also wanted her to not blame herself, so I thought it through,
and basically found
a way to make it all my fault, and linked every part of the
problem to
me.
So I called her over, and said my piece. And it worked! I
did it, she did
it, it happened, she got mad, and angry, and it's wonderful
because i had
stepped back enough to see what I had missed, what I couldn't
have seen
before because she was so close. She was angry, because she
didn't
deserve this shit, and she told me I had no right,
and she's not going to take
anything from me, and she's not going to take
anything from anyone anymore,
and it will be cool. And I can step back
now, step anywhere now; I can move
on, move anywhere, oh this is so strange
and weird and sad and wonderful.
She's never been angry at me to my face at
least before, and I think it was
a great big barrier transcended.
I
should have seen this coming, I think I might have caught a glimpse but
didn't believe it, i don't know, and that's so amazingly new, to NOT know
something, oi! I am so relieved, and amazed, and inspired, and Free.
I
have never understood that word before. Free, free, free!!! It's
such a
wonderful word. And it's so horrible that I feel so marvelous
when Jessica
is distraught and such, but she can call and talk
to me anytime, and tell me
what a bitch I am. We were doing that
earlier, me saying "It's no mistake, I
am a bitch, I knew it was going to
hurt you, and I told you before I started.
And I had no right, even when I did, and i am
self-righteous, thank you, and
yes, it's fine for you to hate me, I deserve every
ounce because I knew what
I was doing. But I also had no idea what I
was doing, except it felt right,
somehow, in some
madly confusing way.
So we talk, and I say "I don't know" more than I
ever have before in my
life, and I answer the questions that she was afraid
to ask, and there are
no more illusion-barriers, and brutal honesty is it
again. I really wasn't
being my whole self with her, and that was
wrong. I used more tact than
honesty, and sacrificed meaning.
Good intentions went awry. I didn't give
her credit that I now know
she deserves. And now I can like her more, and I
can only see things
going up from here.
And so I'm telling everyone what a phenomenal bitch I
am, and how well I can
screw up when I'm putting good intentions in front of
honesty. I want no
illusions.
BE. HERE. NOW. I mean it. Shut off
all thoughts for ten seconds and take a look around.