BAA-RBED WIREIt was an ordinary, quiet day in Carmarthenshire. The farm hands of Ebbw Vale sheep empire were finishing off the day’s shearing, when a mysterious beeping noise came from one of the farm hands, known to his friends as Gruffy. He quickly looked at his wrist, which sported a rather fetching sheep-shaped watch, which was beeping at him. Gruffy looked alarmed. ‘Um, sorry lads, got to go, you know how it is.’ The farm hands (Bruce, Brian and Bill) just nodded slowly at Gruffy, as he fled out of the door in the direction of the nearest phone box, which was 8 miles away. As he ran (rather athletically) he spoke into his wrist-sheep; ‘What is it this time, Mannie?’ The sheep said, ‘I’m afraid Robert Lindsay has been up to his old tricks.’ ‘Damn, that tosspot – he’s always getting in the way. Get the Baamobile ready – I’ve got a feeling about this one.’ Gruffy kept on running – through hill, over dale, and past sheep. ‘Hang on - I can see the booth. So do you know any of the details?’ ‘Just the old story – some tart’s sprung a leak in central Cwm.’ ‘That’s the problem with those busy, inner-city areas – there’s a crime around every corner.’ Gruffy reached the booth and leapt inside, then leapt out again, ‘Get out, Farmer Taffy.’ There was a pause as a rather ashamed and red-faced man in a flat cap crept out of the phone box. ‘And take your lady with you.’ A rather ashamed and red-faced sheep in suspenders crept out of the phone box and ran off into the darkness. Gruffy sighed and re-entered the booth. Observers would notice the box then rocking from side to side and emitting strange, multicoloured lights. After a couple of seconds, the door opened and a man emerged – not the ordinary sheep-shearing Gruffy, but Gruffy the Vampire Slayer! He got a beep on his wrist-sheep. ‘Be careful out there, won’t you, Gruffy? I do worry about you, you know’, said Mannie. ‘Don’t worry, darling, I’ll come back for you – unless something happens which I can’t quite remember – but it involves my face being burnt beyond recognition and William Dafoe’s fingers. Hands on hips, he counted under his breath up to five, then there was a commotion on the horizon. Was it a giant, ovine herbivore? (a sheep – for the less quick of us) ‘Ahh,’ Gruffy the Vampire Slayer sighed, ‘the Baamobile.’
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SOMEWHERE IN CWM............
‘Ha! That fool Gruffy has fallen for my evil plan once more!’ Robert Lindsay rubbed his hands together rather off-kieltedly. ‘But what if he doesn’t fall for it?’ said another voice, slightly whiny and with a ring of suppressed homosexuality about it. Robert whirled round to the voice with a look of extreme annoyance on his wrinkled and pore-ridden face, ‘of course it’s going to work! How could it fail? What Gruffy will find is what he’s expecting – a prostitute with her knuckles gnawed off, but it will actually be me!’ ‘You?’ ‘Yes, me.’ The hidden voice paused awkwardly for a minute, ‘but…I hate to break this to you, but, Robert – you’re a man.’ ‘Ha! That’s what you may think! But that is part of the cunning plan – I’ve had an operation,’ he tossed his head briefly, ‘and now I’d like to be called Lindsay. Lindsay Roberts. I can prove it to you if you want – here – look…’ ‘AAGH, AAGH, I believe you, I believe you! For god’s sake, man – woman – thing.’ ‘But do you see how it will work?’ ‘I suppose so.’ Lindsay scowled and whipped out a hand in the direction of the voice. The hand came back holding a small, glass bottle – the contents of which looked like the contents of a dandruff-sufferer’s hooverbag. The contents moved slightly as they spoke. ‘Oh alright, alright, it WILL work’, it was Monks’ ashes. ‘Don’t use that sarcastic voice on me,’ Lindsay shook the bottle vigorously. ‘Go on, shake me, I like it.’ ‘You’re disgusting.’ |
MEANWHILE..............
Gruffy the Vampire Slayer drove along in the Baamobile, tooting at all the attractive sheep walking alongside the road. As he approached the address at which an emergency Gruffy-signal had been sent from, he clipped on his fake ponytail (for the image of the thing). He jumped out of the giant, woolly vehicle, and as he did so, he mused on his arch-enemy, Robert Lindsay. Ever since his arch-arch-enemy, Monks, had been killed by him, there had been a huge leadership struggle in the vampire underworld for supreme rule. By some extraordinary tactics, like learning to play the trumpet, Robert Lindsay had clawed his way to the top, and was the primary cause of neck-related crime in South Wales today. Gruffy kicked the door open of the squalid, one-up, two-down cottage that made up the sprawling City of Cwm. ‘Where are you, Robert? This is your day of reckoning.’ There was no reply, Gruffy crept forwards along the hallway, and up the stairs to the landing, where he saw a prone form on the ground. Gruffy rushed over, and turned the person over. It was a (particularly ugly) woman, with, Gruffy sighed, her knuckles apparently chewed off. He was too late, Robert had gone. He turned his back on the body. Suddenly, the dead woman came back to life and jumped on Gruffy’s back, which was usually all right, but the fact that the person had been dead only a few moments ago was a bit disturbing, but hey – you have to take your opportunities. ‘Ah, Gruffy, we meet at last! I have you now!’ Robert Lindsay! But you were a woman…weren’t you? Gruffy strained to get a better look, but was held firm by the woman’s freakishly strong arms. Gruffy felt a prick on his backside (again, not unwelcome in differing circumstances…) ‘Robert, what are you doing?’ ‘Ha! You are misled, my dear Gruffy, for I no longer go by the name of Robert. I would like to be called,’ he tossed his head, ‘Lindsay Roberts.’ ‘That name sounds familiar.’ ‘I’m now also a part-time maths teacher at a successful Kentish Grammar School.’ ‘Oh, but wouldn’t you be better in a proper, important job?’ ‘Just shut up – I’m here because I wanted something,’ one of Roberts’ hands waved into Gruffy’s view – it was holding a small vial of Gruffy’s blood (you can tell it’s Gruffy’s because it’s slightly woolly) ‘Hey! What do you want that for?’ ‘It’s for a ritual that has been newly discovered by our hardest-working science buffs – a ritual which means the living ashes of a deceased vampire can be bought back to life. All that is required is a few drops of the current Slayer’s blood.’ ‘Hey – That’s not fair! I thought when I killed a vampire, it stayed dead.’ ‘Usually they do, but the author of this novelette was running out of funny characters, so she decided to bring back (dramatic flash of lightning and rumble of thunder) Monks.’ ‘Oh, Bugger.’ ‘All I have to do is add this blood to his ashes, then we vampires will have our supreme ruler back once more! Things will be so violent, it will make strangling somebody with their own ponytail look like sex with a skipping rope handle.’ Lindsay leapt off of Gruffy’s back, straightened her well-tailored clothes, and flew out through the window, and then did a crap on a pedestrian, who shook his fist at the sky. ‘Bloody birds, they get bigger every time.’ |
BACK AT LINDSAY’S SECRET LOCATION…….
‘So did you get the blood?’ The small glass bottle jumped up and down with excitement. ‘I got the blood, now calm down – or I’ll get my trumpet out.’ ‘No! No! Okay, I’ll shut up now,’ but Lindsay’s warning came too late, The bottle fell on it’s side and started to vibrate like a paint mixer on bad acid. At these times, Lindsay mused, he could make a fortune at an Ann Summer’s party. TO BE CONTINUED……
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