A RUM DOFrigates and ships-of-the-line lie idling in the harbour of Port Talbot as the rain lashed their sails and tore at the rope-strewn decks. The officer of the watch paced the creaking wooden boards in solitude, straining to see the docks through the dense fog. The bell rung at length, signifying an end to his tedious vigil, and he scurried below deck jeering at his replacement officer as he ambled sulkily towards the quarterdeck to take up his position. Once below, his ears were filled with the raucous clamour of the sailors’ shanties and hornpipes. A fiddler strangled a tune out of his old violin as he sat amongst the piles of rope in one corner, and there was general merry-making about the place as the daily rum rations were passed around the hands. One particular sailor, name of Rhodri Jones, snatched his tankard eagerly out of the fingers of the ship’s steward, and downed the entire contents of it in one thirsty gulp. His friends shouted and cheered him on, thumping on the benches and sturdy wooden tables as he wiped his dripping mouth with the back of his hand. They no doubt found great amusement in this event, and it was not surprising, for life on a dormant ship was the very height of despondency. However, their amusement was soon put to an end when they discovered their fellow seemed to be choking on something. One of the hands jumped up from his seat on the barrel of a cannon and rushed to the assistance of his friend. Some of the other sailors called out to an officer as he did so. “Midshipman Welsh! Midshipman Welsh! Jones’s choking, sir!” A young Midshipman came darting through from the officers’ mess and the sailors parted as he made his way round the throngs to see the gagging man. The sailor was clutching his throat desperately and gasping for breath as his officer approached. Indeed it did not look good, and the hands stood around watching helplessly as their friend lay dying. Midshipman Welsh knelt by the side of Jones and tried to detain his hands from around his neck. “Jones, what have you taken man?”, said Welsh, half confused, half concerned. “Somebody send for the surgeon...quickly!” But Jones did not answer. The Midshipman shook his subordinate roughly and spoke loudly in one ear in an attempt to revive him from his semi-conscious state. “Jones, I said what have you taken?”, he repeated. “‘Twas the rum, sir”, came a voice from the crowd of sailors. “He was fine before he took the rum, Mr Welsh, sir.” “The rum?”, was Midshipman Welsh’s estranged reply. He meditated upon the thought for a while and then realised the possibilities of such a grave situation. “Nobody touch the liquor! Tip it back in the barrel and leave it there…that’s an order!” The ship’s surgeon arrived at last and upon seeing Jones and reviewing his ailment, he shook his head solemnly. The men reluctantly poured their spirits back into the cask and Welsh turned back to the choking Jones, who by now was coughing up his own blood and salivating hideously. His cries could be heard throughout the ship, and it was not long before the captain was alerted to the commotion below deck. Captain Lewis rushed down the wooden stairs to the hands’ deck space, causing the men to stand to attention in spite of the present circumstances. He made his way across the floor to the dying Jones and looked appealingly at Midshipman Welsh. “They say it’s the rum, sir”, reported Welsh. Captain Lewis ordered the men back to their positions and amusements, and spoke to the surgeon and Welsh for a few minutes. Welsh was mopping Jones’s brow ominously, knowing the end was nigh, and he was right for the three men looked on as the sailor drew his last breath and retired to the afterlife. “Shall I prepare for the burial, sir?”, inquired Welsh. “Yes, but take his body to the surgeon’s room for the time being. This must be investigated, it doesn’t look like any ordinary liquor poisoning. After you have seen to the body, take the ship’s long boat and row ashore with a couple of the men. Your orders are to find Gruffy, Gruffy the vampire slayer. I’m sure he’ll know what to do.” “Aye, aye, sir”, replied Welsh.
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LATER.........
“We therefore commit the body of Rhodri Jones to the ocean, in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ. We shall change our vile bodies, it may be like unto his glorious body, according to the mighty working whereby he is able to subdue all things to himself...” “What do you make of this?”, whispered Gruffy to Mannie as they witnessed the sad burial in the bay of Port Talbot. Mannie paused for a second, deep in thought, and then replied slowly to his friend. “Doesn’t really look supernatural, does it?” “But why would Captain Lewis call us? He’s a courageous man, and I can’t believe he’d send for us unless he thought there was something corrupt going on”, Gruffy replied meditatively. “You’re right Gruffy”, said Mannie. “I’ll ask around.” Gruffy fidgeted awkwardly with his naval uniform. It was a new experience for him, and he didn’t like admitting that he felt more than moderately seasick. “I’m still not sure these uniforms were a good idea”, he whispered to Mannie. “I know they’ll keep the sailor’s at ease, but they’re just so itchy!” “Just be thankful we’re supposedly Midshipmen then, or I dare say we might find ourselves in more trouble than just an itchy uniform...Fancy a stroll on the poop?” “That’d be nice”, replied Gruffy, holding his stomach slightly and following Mannie with cautious footing across the deck. The two friends walked slowly towards the high poop deck at the stern of the ship. The hands worked all around them, tarring ropes, picking oakum and scrubbing the wooden decking, and as Gruffy watched them with some interest, he sighed as he thought how lucky he was not to be a sailor. He glanced at Mannie, perching on the side of the ship and staring wistfully out to sea as the wind tossed his hair playfully around and the ocean sprayed his face with spots of snowy froth. He truly looked as if he had lived and worked at sea all his life, and Gruffy felt a small jealousy prick him inside. Still, he was sure that Mannie felt the very same when he daily had to witness the skillful slaying of his friend. The vampire slayer tried desperately to find his sea legs, and when he finally did so, he sauntered as nonchalantly as possible under the circumstances, up the oak steps to the poop deck where Mannie sat. He soon reached the top, saluting Captain Lewis and turning to the watcher. Mannie rose from his seat to greet Gruffy, but encouraged his friend’s laughter as he stumbled rather pathetically under the actions of the sea’s swell on the ship. “Not so seaworthy then my friend!”, laughed Gruffy. “Not so seaworthy!” Mannie looked nothing but unimpressed at the slayer’s new found sense of humour, and simply straightened himself attentively. | |
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“Do you think Robert Lindsay has any sort of a hand in this, Mannie?”, asked Gruffy of his friend after a long discussion surrounding the circumstances of the death.
“But what motive could he possibly have?”, was Mannie’s prudent reply. “Lindsay may be a killer alright, but not without the motives.”
“You’re right, I suppose, but who else would bother to kill off a penniless and useless sailor. From what I’ve heard from the other hands, he wasn’t even a skilled seaman, so what good would it do anyone to get rid of him?”
“I don’t know”, mused the watcher.
He sat, chin cupped in hands, leaning over the wheelhouse meditatively while Gruffy sat with his legs bent up towards his chest on the deck, picking at a solitary strand of oakum. They had been there for quite some while now, and there was no feasible explanation to be conjured up between the two of them, accustomed as they were to this kind of deceit and intrigue. It was then Gruffy started suddenly from his seat on the splintering wooden deck – he had made an important revelation and was keen to divulge his realisations.
“Mannie!”, he cried with an air of childish thrill that he was not prone too. “Mannie, something of potential importance has just occurred to me!”
“Well spit it out then man!”, was Mannie’s impatient response. “What is it?!?”
“You remember we were present at the burial…?”
“Yes, of course we were, it wasn’t two hours ago.”
“But we left before it ended, right?”, Gruffy added.
“Yes, we came up here to the poop deck.”
“Well, you were looking over the rail, weren’t you? And there was no ceremonial lowering of the body into the sea as is usual. I’m sure of it, for I was here with you, and there was no sign of the splash or wash that there would have been had a body been dropped into the water not two yards away from us!”
“Your point being…?”, Mannie replied, a little mystified.
“My point being”, barked Gruffy, almost descending to plain rage. “My point being, that there cannot have been a body dropped into the water after the service!”
“My god, you’re right my friend”, cried Mannie, joining in on the revelry. “We’ll have to question the men on the subject of the corpse and where it is being stored.”
Mannie drew up from his semi-recumbent position on the wheelhouse and shielded his eyes as he looked out across the sea, towards the harbour of Port Talbot. The sun was setting by now, casting an illusion of vermillion across the bedraggled and unkempt evening clouds. Rather a blood-like image he thought to himself. Gruffy rose up from the floor to stand rather unsteadily beside him, and he too glanced at the aggressive looking headland jutting out into the swelling sea with rigid determination. It would have been a marvellous night, had it not been for the incessant pitching and rolling of the ship on the tossing black water. However, Gruffy’s stomach had at last settled down by this point, and he was ready to face whatever dangers and depravity lie ahead. After all, there was no running away now, it was just him, Mannie and the deep, dark ocean – an evil he would rather avoid at any event.
MOMENTS LATER…….
Gruffy and Mannie hurried across the decks of the ship, trying desperately to keep their footing each time the ship met the swell of the ocean. They were heading towards the gun deck, where the hands were working busily on the chores of the day. It was time for some serious questioning, though they understood between them the need to keep every query to the seamen subtle, in order to arouse no suspicions amongst the crew. Captain Lewis himself had told them when they met him on the poop deck, that mistrust and conspiracies were no good for morale, and if there was a lowering of spirits aboard the ship there could be no guess at what may follow. The ship pitched abruptly, and Mannie met the descent of the deck with steady legs. Gruffy, however, toppled onto his face and rolled from the quarterdeck where they had been standing, down the harsh wooden steps to the main deck. His attempts at trying to clasp the coarse ochre rope that provided the handrail for these steps were unfulfilled, and he foundered hopelessly as he collapsed humiliatingly down onto the main deck, at the feet of Captain Lewis. “You’ll have to do better than that if you’re to make a convincing seaman my friend!”, laughed the Captain raucously. Gruffy dragged his battered and bruised body up from the floor, and rectified himself to meet the eyes of his superior. He was heartily glad that most of the men were down below, saving him further embarrassment, but as he glanced upwards over the Captain’s broad shoulder he caught sight of the officer of the watch eyeing him keenly and chuckling with an unbridled sense of mocking. Gruffy felt the blood rush to his face without delay, and turned hastily away from the Captain’s searching stare. “Mannie!”, he called to the watcher. “Come here, we’ve got business to attend to with Mr Lewis.” Mannie rolled his eyes at his friend’s pathetic attempt at a cover-up and walked solemnly over to join the pair under the mizzen mast.
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Gruffy turned back to the Captain at last, and spoke the following words. “Sir, if you don’t mind me inquiring, why was the body of Rhodri Jones not lowered into the ocean, as is the usual custom at these ceremonies?” The captain paused before replying to the rather awkward question posed by the young slayer. “It was the express wish of the ship’s surgeon, one of his closest friends aboard this ship, that his body be taken back to Port Talbot to be buried with his wife and children. You see, they too died a couple of months back, and it was for that reason that Jones allowed himself to be pressed into the Navy.” “Oh”, said Gruffy with a pensive air about him. “What did his family die of, sir?” “They say it was anaemia, but it was all very sudden. That’s all I know really.” Gruffy rotated his head slowly to look meaningfully at Mannie. Cases of anaemia in Wales usually meant one thing, and one thing alone: vampires. Still this all seemed harmless enough, didn’t it? Mannie was the first to restart the conversation. “Captain Lewis”, he said thoughtfully. “Why on Earth should you make a special exception for Jones to be taken home for burial, when all other sailors are laid to rest in the ocean, whatever their circumstances may be?” Captain Lewis looked rather abashed at the evidently suspicious Mannie’s question. However, he answered with unmovable dignity, though his reasons were of peril to the respect that his subordinates held for him. “I could lie to you, but it would be worthless, for it is perhaps preventing the course of justice”, he began with a hint of sadness in his reserved and courtly tone. “I was owing a favour to Ifans, the surgeon, for he once caught me with the wife of Midshipman Welsh in the ship’s hold…” Gruffy and Mannie looked quickly to the floor to evade the inquiring glance of the Captain, and as they did so stifled a slight snigger. It was an unfortunate set of circumstances indeed for a man such as Captain Lewis to find himself in. Mr Lewis continued humbly his story. “Well, after Ifans had witnessed such a thing, I was forced to go after him and sacrifice my pride and self-respect by begging him not to tell a soul, especially Midshipman Welsh, what he had witnessed previously in the hold. He agreed grudgingly to my demands on the proviso that his rum rations be tripled, and that should he ever find himself in a sticky situation, I would do my utmost to aid him.” The Captain paused again with an ashamed and sorrowful look clouding his brow. “You have to understand that my career was at risk by my discovery, my friends. Nothing else but my wish to support my wife and children would have induced me to enter into such a bargain.” It was a pity he had not thought of his wife and children to start with, thought Gruffy, then he wouldn't have got himself into such a situation in the first place. Still, he did not trust this Ifans, the ship’s surgeon one bit, and was determined to discover the real truth about why he was keeping the body of Jones until they sailed back to Port Talbot. “Did you say Ifans was a great friend of the Jones family, sir?”, Gruffy asked the blushing Captain. “Why, yes. As I remember it they both joined the Navy at the same time.” “And were they friends before they joined up, sir?”, Mannie said, preempting his friend in the quest for incriminating information. “Yes, I believe they were neighbours or something…You won’t repeat what I’ve told you to the men, will you? It’s not good for morale to lose the respect of your subordinates you know.” “No”, said Gruffy gravely. “We won’t tell the men, but before you leave us, answer me one more question.” “Yes?” “Where is the body of Jones being stored?” “In the surgeon’s room. Ifans is taking care of it for now. Good day to you men.” And with that the Captain stalked seriously across the deck and up the rickety wooden steps to the poop deck. It can’t have been very good for his reputation to be caught with the Midshipman’s wife, and Gruffy and Mannie could see the signs of deep regret that covered his earnest visage. Night was rapidly approaching by now, and it was almost dark as Gruffy observed that the impudent officer of the watch had left his position to be replaced by somebody else. The sea was calm and completely flat, meaning the ship hardly bobbed on the insignificant waves, and Gruffy regained his confidence in being able to move freely about the decks. It certainly wouldn’t do to demean himself again in such a way, and this time he would take every necessary precaution in proceeding around the uneven surfaces. At last the slayer turned to his friend and spoke in the following way. "Mannie, I have grave doubts about the intentions of this Ifans character. A friend though he may appear to be, I cannot help but wonder at his motives for keeping the corpse of a shipmate." "Yes", replied the watcher. "It does seem highly suspicious, and the cases of anaemia only add to my mistrust of the fellow." "I don't know though, perhaps we misjudge him already, but have I ever been wrong before about these things?" Mannie looked half puzzled, half mystified, putting his hand on the wheel of the ship to steady himself as they spoke, and shuffling closer to his friend in an attempt to affect some privacy in their conversation. The hands were by this time beginning to emerge from below decks to attend to their nightly chores. "Perhaps we should check out this guy before it gets too late Gruffy…it's starting to get dark now", said Mannie. Gruffy looked seriously at the watcher for a second before a grin slowly spread itself across his face. "Ah Mannie", he said. "You may have been a watcher for ten or so years now, but you're still as stupid as when I first met you!" Mannie looked a little disgruntled at this comment, and his eyes stared enquiringly at Gruffy. "Why, whatever do you mean Gruffy?", was his reply. "I mean this, and this alone. That vampires are nocturnal creatures and hence we should confine all our investigation to the twilight hours." "Oh", said Mannie, realising a foolish mistake. "I see what you mean…" He couldn't help but laugh a little at himself, especially after the events of Gruffy's attempts at sealegs early. The pair of men began to walk slowly over to an unsuspecting hand, busy picking oakum on the deck of the ship. Gruffy took the lead, as always, and Mannie simply followed the slayer trustingly, as always. They reached the hand and Gruffy took the opportunity to try out his newly acquired authority over the men by inquiring thus. "You there!", he called to the hand. "Would you tell me where I might find the Surgeon's room?" As the man's head turned, Gruffy knew him instantly as the mocking officer of the watch from earlier in the day. He bowed his head humbly. "I, I mean, would you be so good as to tell me where I might find the cabin of Ifans the surgeon?", he mumbled with clear humility in his voice. The officer stood up and came over to the slayer and Mannie, tossing the oakum aside as he did so. "Ay, Ifans' room is over yonder", he growled, pointing with a large leathery hand to the wooden steps down to the gun deck. "Next to the Officers' Messroom to be sure." "Thank you", said Mannie brightly. "We're much obliged to you sir." The officer eyed them keenly, and turning winked at some of the crew that had been intently watching the exchange. "You two seem to be as comrades as comrades I ever saw!", he croaked hoarsely. "Me and the lads was wondering if it was not only the cabin that you've been sharing!" Gruffy blushed a deep scarlet and Mannie did likewise, though where Gruffy's colour came from anger, Mannie was truly abashed. "I don't know what you mean, I'm sure", he said calmly to the officer. "Sodomy in the ranks, gentleman. Sodomy in the ranks." Gruffy did nothing but look daggers at his rough old superior, and was about to brandish a pistol or two at the man, when he thought better of it and strolled casually away. It would, however, be an untruth to say he did not try to affect his most masculine walk as he departed from the company of the crew. The Surgeon's room was not as difficult to find on the crowded ship as Gruffy and Mannie had imagined, and they soon arrived outside the solid oak door marked "IFANS" in some of the ship's tar paint. Mannie raised his fist to knock abruptly on the door, but Gruffy caught his hand and pushed back to the watcher's side. "Don't knock!", whispered Gruffy. "We might then disturb him from some incriminating activity. Remember, there's no one to save this time, Jones is already dead!" Mannie nodded in agreement to his friend, and they began to sneak slowly along the boarded walls of the gun deck to the window of the surgeon's room to enable themselves to see what Ifans was up to without his knowledge. They looked positively bizarre to the crew of the gun deck, as they crouched below the window with only their eyes and fingers resting on the ledge of the frame. Inside Ifans was tending to the body still, which was strange as he had been since the death that morning. He was seemed to be clearing the clothing from around Jones' neck at this point, and suddenly a light of recognition came across Mannie's face. He turned to Gruffy trying desperately to keep his balance in the crouching position he found himself in. "My God I am stupid!", he said at last. "Shhhhhhh!!!", Gruffy yelped anxiously to the watcher. "He'll bloody hear us!" "Gruffy", Mannie continued regardless. "It's been obvious to you all along, hasn't it?" Gruffy looked purposefully at his friend. "What has?" "The fact that it was Ifans himself that poisoned the rum in order to assure himself of another victim, and that the cases of "anaemia" in the Jones family were actually the result of the feeding of Ifans. The fact that Captain Lewis was being blackmailed by Ifans meant that he could pretty much have whatever he wanted without the knowledge of the rest of the crew. God, how could I have missed something so glaringly obvious?" Gruffy looked rather troubled. He had evidently not been aware of these facts, as his seasickness and unsteady legs were praying heavily on his mind. Perhaps this had been why the Captain had called them? Or was he in on the plot as well? "Mannie", Gruffy said. "We need to kill this Ifans fellow quicly and cleanly without disturbing the rest of the crew and arousing suspicion. Any ideas?" "A cannon?", replied Mannie with and element of question in his sombre voice. "The obvious choice", said Gruffy. The pair enlisted the help of seven of the men on the gun deck, as well as themselves, to move one of the great cannons to point directly into the window of Ifans' cabin. "Are you sure this is a good idea sir?", one of the hands had commented. "After all, we might injure someone." "We'll do more than that", was Gruffy's reply. "Now fetch some primer and powder for this gun, and bring that ram and light over here. Mannie, you get some of that shot." The tasks were soon done and the men stood back as the gun was primed, loaded and aimed, ready for action. There wasn't a great deal of space in the thin corridor of the ship, and the Captain's cabin was directly opposite the surgeon's room. Still, this had to be done, as Gruffy had been careless enough to leave his stake and pistols ashore. After the gun was made ready, Gruffy stood aside of the barrel and took the light from Mannie. He placed the flame to the wick and as the malevolent Ifans sunk his teeth deep into the throat of Jones the whole cabin exploded in a flurry of splintered wood and shattered glass. The force of the explosion threw Gruffy, Mannie and the seven hands back against the kegs in the centre of the deck, knocking the wind out of all nine of them. Meanwhile, the gun had been propelled backwards on its wooden wheels, and the impact with the wall of the Captain's cabin behind it had brought the whole partition crashing down around them. The Captain sat at his desk, staring earnestly into space with an abject look of disbelief plastered across his countenance. Virtually every part of the ship in front of his eyes was gone and he now had a clear view of the glistening water of the bay from his room. Looking around he saw Gruffy, Mannie and the seven hands scrabble up from the deck to present themselves cautiously to him. They were disheveled and sooty from the immediate explosion and he could not help but smile a little at the sight of such. At last he faltered a few words. "My ship…that scoundrel Ifans….my ship……" "He was a child of the devil himself, sir", said Gruffy with added vigilance in his voice. "A vampire?", said Captain Lewis in a daze of incredulity. "Yes sir." "On my ship?" "Yes sir." "My God!" "Er…yes sir." The Captain rose from his seat very slowly indeed, and offered his hand to Gruffy and Mannie in turn. "I suppose I should be angry", he said. "But after you have done me such a service…I cannot find it within myself for wrath." "Well sir", chimed in Mannie with a tone of bright relief. "You know what they say…" "Slaying vampires has never been so damn sexy?", was all the Captain could utter.
THE END
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