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SONGS FROM GRUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

"STAKING TIMES" - THE THEME TO GRUFFY

(to the tune of "Sour Times")

{To pretend no one can find} / {The vampires of Aberdare} / {Slaying demons, killing foes} / {Qualities that I despise in me} / {Take your aim, take a stab now} // {`Cause nobody stakes them} / {It's true} {Not like I do} / {Fooled by the false belief} / {That fantasies have sinful screens} / {Face the facts, assume the truth} / {End the vows and spells, no need to lie} / {Take your aim, take a stab now} // {`Cause nobody stakes them} / {It's true} / {Not like I do} // {Who ooh am I, what and why?} / {`Cause all that I can do is protect the helpless} / {Oh these staking times} // {`Cause nobody stakes them} / {It's true} / {Not like I do} // {After time the bitter taste} / {Of innocence in this place} / {Will have gone for evermore} / {But the mysteries of life revolve}/ {Bitter fortune will decide} // {`Cause nobody stakes them} / {It's true} / {Not like I do} // {`Cause nobody stakes them} / {It's true} / {Not like I do} // {`Cause nobody stakes them} / {It's true} / {Not like I do} //

"VAMPIRE SLAYER"

(to the tune of "Big Spender")

{The minute you walked in the joint} / {I could see you were a slayer of distinction} / {A vampire slayer} / {Good looking} / {So refined} / {Slaying ghouls and demons of every kind} // {You always get right to the point} / {But I’m hoping that you won’t be slaying me} / {Vampire slayer, vampire slayer} / {Slay a little time with me} // {Whenever the full moon comes up} / {He is out saving helpless damsels} / {Vampire slayer} / {Fast-thinking} / {Easily smitten} / {He’s the one to call when someone’s neck has been bitten} // {He’ll always be there on the scene} / {Staking vampires or foiling an evil plan} / {Vampire slayer, vampire slayer} / {He’ll always be our man}

"THE SPY WHO SLAYED ME" THEME

(to the tune of "Nobody Does It Better")

{Nobody slays them better} / {Makes me feel sad for the rest} / {Nobody slays them half as good as you} / {Gruffy you’re the best} // {I wasn’t looking} / {But somehow you found me} / {I tried to hide from Robert Lindsay} / {How I wish you would lay me} / {The spy who slayed me} / {Is keeping all of Wales safe tonight} // {And nobody slays them better} / {Though sometimes I wish someone could} / {Nobody slays them quite the way you do} / {Why d’ya have to be so good?} // {The way that you stake them} / {Whenever you stake them} / {There’s some kind of magic deep inside you} / {That keeps me from leering} / {Whenever you’re shearing} / {How d’ya learn to do the things you do?} // {And nobody slays them better} / {Makes me feel sad for the rest} / {Nobody slays them half as good as you} / {Gruffy you’re the best} //

"GRUFFY AND MANNIE"

(to the tune of “Mulder and Scully”)

{In Cardiff it’s getting tragic} / {Coz everyone plays with magic} / {Stop sucking what you…..keep suckin, Robert} / {Entering a demon’s lair} / {Or visiting Aberdare} / {Stop killing what you…..keep killing, Robert…..} / {Things are getting strange} / {And slightly uncanny} / {This could be a case for Gruffy and Mannie} / {Things are getting strange, now I can’t stake alone} // {When drinking in Darkmans Bar} / {He kills the evil and bizarre} / {Stop sucking what you….keep sucking, Robert…} / {The slayer plays with holy water} / {Mannie sleeps with Sadie’s daughter} / {Stop killing what you….keep killing, Robert….} / {Things are getting strange} / {And slightly uncanny} / {This could be a case for Gruffy and Mannie} / {Things are getting strange now I can’t stake alone} // {My stake is made for you and there’s nothing I can do} / {So tell me something I don’t know} / {If my head is full of ghouls, and a range of torture tools} / {Must we all be fools, yes fools, oh fools…?} // {And as for some happy ending} / {Gruffy’ll just keep on slaying} / {Stop sucking what you….keep sucking, Robert….} / {Things are getting strange} / {And slightly uncanny} / {This could be a case for Gruffy and Mannie} / {Things are getting strange now I can’t stake alone….here}

"FOR THE BLOOD OF A WOMAN"

(to the tune of “As Long As You Love Me”)

{Although slaying vamps has always been a love of mine} / {I'm keeping my stake in my hands} / {People say I'm crazy and that I am blind} / {Risking my life in a glance} / {How Monks is sucking blood is still a mystery} / {I can't work it out in my head} / {Don't care what is written down in history} / {There’s something I just can’t see…} // {The slayer knows who you are} / {Where you're from} / {What you did} / {For the blood of a woman} / {Who you are} / {Where you're from} / {He knows what you did} / {For the blood of a woman} // {Every drop of blood that Monks will ever suck} / {Creeps its way into my heart} / {Maybe people think that I am out of luck} / {But I’m gonna take him apart} // {The slayer knows who you are} / {Where you're from} / {What you did} / {For the blood of a woman} / {Who you are} / {Where you're from} / {He knows what you did} / {For the blood of a woman}// {I've tried to slay Monks but he always flees} / {From Mademoiselle Sadie’s} / {When I find him sucking blood} / {But I know one day that he will die} / {I’ll be there, for the blood of a woman, baby} // {The slayer knows who you are} / {Where you're from} / {What you did} / {For the blood of a woman} / {Who you are} / {Where you're from} / {He knows what you did} / {For the blood of a woman}// {Who you are} / {Where you're from} / {He knows what you did} / {For the blood of a woman} //

"ABERDARAN RAREBIT"

(to the tune of “American Pie”)

{A long long time ago} / {I can still remember how that slayer used to make me swoon} / {And Gruff knew if he had his way} / {There'd be no-one left to slay} / {And maybe we'd be happy for a while} // {So Aberdare had no fear} / {With every shorthorn that he sheared} / {Bad news for the suckers} / {He couldn't stand those truckers...} // {I can't remember if I cried} / {When I read about Bob's female side} / {But something touched me deep inside}{The day the Rarebit dried} // {So bye bye Mr. Robert Lindsay} / {Take your Monks and your Johnnys} / {And your vices and flee} / {And all us girls can act as we should} / {Coz no-one's gonna suck our blood}{No-one's gonna suck our blood} // {Did you write Baa-rbed wire} / {And do you believe that she's a liar?} / {If she tells you Mannie's gay} / {Do you believe garlic n' stakes} / {Can prove our Gruffy's not a fake?} / {Oh he keeps those vampires at bay} // {Well, I know that you're in love with Gruff} / {'Cause I heard you sayin', 'phwoar he's tough'} / {We all wear holy crosses} / {To minimise our losses} // {Monks was a lonely stone-age vampire guy}{With crusty lips and twitchy eyes} / {He knew that life had passed him by}{The day the rarebit dried} // {So bye bye Mr. Robert Lindsay} / {Take your Monks and your Johnnys} / {And your vices and flee} / {And all us girls can act as we should} / {Coz no-one's gonna suck our blood}{No-one's gonna suck our blood} // {Now for centuries we've been under threat} / {From Robert Lindsay for a bet} / {That's always how it used to be} / {Then Gruffy turned up on the scene} / {In a Porsche, a Jag and a crepe machine} / {And stole our hearts, three by three} // {Oh, and all the vampires went away} / {And became lawyers, kooks or strays} / {Aberdare was rejoicing} / {All the sheep were voicing} // {Gruffy became a huge hero} / {And Mannie wed a girl called Joe} / {And that bitch Buffy stole the show} / {The day the rarebit dried} // {So bye bye Mr. Robert Lindsay} / {Take your Monks and your Johnnys} / {And your vices and flee} / {And all us girls can act as we should} / {Coz no-one's gonna suck our blood}{No-one's gonna suck our blood} // {So bye bye Mr. Robert Lindsay} / {Take your Monks and your Johnnys} / {And your vices and flee} / {And all us girls can act as we should} / {Coz no-one's gonna suck our blood}{No-one's gonna suck our blood} //