THE SPY WHO SLAYED ME
It was quite a mild day in central Paris, the Café du Moutons had a few customers, but Gruffy was constantly looking over his shoulder like a bad dandruff sufferer. He was shiftily talking into his wrist sheep.
“Mannie, Mannie. I can’t see her, Mannie. Why do these dildos always hide away so well?”
“It’s actually pronounced d’Ildo”, replied Mannie.
“You speak French?”
“No, but I once sucked a baguette”, boasted Mannie.
“Oh?”
“It was twelve inches or so long, and by the time I’d finished it, it was rather hard.”
“Meaning stale of course”, said Gruffy.
“Why, what did you think I meant…?”
From outside there was a mad tooting of horns and a cry of “Zut, alors!”, which rapidly turned into a bloodcurdling scream. Gruffy sighed, somebody else had tried to cross the road and failed. Suddenly there was activity across the road, as the Comtess d’Ildo emerged into the sunshine from the seedy little dive that Gruffy was staking out.
“Mannie, I see her!”, Gruffy whispered excitedly into his wrist sheep.
“Ooh, ooh, I’m wetting myself with excitement”, was Mannie’s reply.
“So you should be. Hang on, she’s getting into a car. Yes, the car’s moving, yes, I’m getting left behind. Oh shit! Gotta go…”
Gruffy hurriedly switched off the wrist sheep and jumped onto a handily situated motorised crêpe stand.
…………………..MEANWHILE………………………
“Vhat shall I vear to ze party tonight, Bunzovstiel?”, said the Comtess d’Ildo to her chauffeur.
“Vhatever you chuz vill be fine, ladyship”, was his reply.
“I believe zat your relatives vill be attending also.”
“Ya, dey are very excited, ladyship”, Bunzovstiel replied in his strong German accent.
“I shall look forward to meeting all of de other Bunzovstiels”, said the Comtess.
Suddenly there was a huge crash, and Gruffy appeared headfirst through the soft-top roof of the metallic green BMW [with leather trim]. The Comtess d’Ildo recoiled slightly as Gruffy grunted and struggled to his feet in the footwell.
“Watch the leather, dear”, was all she said to him.
Gruffy ignored this and spoke to her as follows.
“Aha!”, he shouted triumphantly. “I have you cornered.”
“So you do”, soothed the Comtess. “But I must appeal to your softer side and declare that you’re holding a defenseless, weak woman at your mercy. Gosh – I almost feel like a sheep.”
“Stop it”, replied Gruffy. “Now you’re just turning me on!”
I shall not describe to you what happened in the back of that car then, because you need a special license to do that sort of thing. Anyway…
Gruffy rearranged his clothing.
“You know, your ladyship, it’s not everyday I do it with a dildo!”
“It’s pronounced d’Ildo”, said the Comtess abruptly.
“Whatever. Now I came to ask you a favour. You know this party tonight…”
|
